The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy. She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the teacher. "I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Guts or Balls We've all heard about people having GUTS or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below... GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next." I hope this clears up any confusion on the definition Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds... AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Larry has been missing since Friday
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: 'Do you men know Jesus Christ?' They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, 'Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?' One of the steelworkers yelled down a 'Why'? The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch.'
lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any Cop from Houston, Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas Deputy's expense. The Deputy says," License and registration, please." "What for?" says the lawyer. The Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the Deputy. License and registration, please." The lawyer says, "What's the difference?" "The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" the Deputy says. Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." "That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the Deputy says. At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
(Southern Grandmas...you've just gotta love them).. Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney? She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him. The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt"
"Hello?" "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, [Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway." "Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." ***Long Pause*** ***Longer Pause*** ***Even Longer Pause*** Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
The Life-Cycle Is Backwards I think the life cycle is all backwards ... You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous, and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt's wherever she touches it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me what you mean?" The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more! She pushed her knee and screamed again; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream! The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, 'err, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought as much!" The doctor said ... "That's a broken finger!!!"
There was a man who had worked all of his life, & had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money & just before he died, he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after life with me.' And, so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket. When he died, he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her. She approached the casket & placed the box inside. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. Her friend said, 'Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.' The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.' You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?' "I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that locker room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye grandpa?” The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.” The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.” He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, “I've never seen you work so late, what’s the matter?” He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.” She said “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote."
A Cajun walks into a bar with A pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his Mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, Each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth As the crowd gasped. After a minute, The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, And the first of his free Drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidlySpoke up.......... "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him that he wanted her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when it would be wonderful to be buried her and only spend $150?" The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" "Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark." "How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know." "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife: "Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. When did you start drinking beer?"
Thanks for keeping the thread alive GoPhins! and CinoEvil. I dont really have anything to offer... How come JFK could never become a boxer? He couldn't take a shot to the head....terrible i know.
Adding on to a previous post by GoPhins! What do you call a person with no arms and no legs… between two buildings? ALI who loosens hex screws? ALLEN on a tennis court? ANNETTE on your living room wall? ART -- what if he also doesn't have a tongue? TASTELESS ART on two wheels? AXEL stuck in a fence? BARB in your fireplace? BERNIE in your mailbox? BILL in a stream? BROOKE in a bank? BUCK who is foaming at the mouth? BUD in a sugar vat? CANDY in a bag? CARRIE who is a prostitute? CASH & CARRY who has no head? CHESTER who is on the edge of the green? CHIP put through a meat grinder? CHUCK two men with no arms and no legs in a window? CURT N' ROD in a tiger cage? CLAUDE hanging from a chandelier? CRYSTAL or TIFFANY in your kitchen sink? DAWN covered with oil? DEREK a man with no arms, legs, head or torso? DICK buried six feet under? DOUG buried three feet under? DOUGLAS when you push his head under water? DUNCAN under a bed? DUSTY in a bathtub? DWAYNE covered with glue? ELMER on hot asphalt? FLIP in a sewer? FLO on your barbecue? FRANK with a flatulence problem? GAIL under a microscope? GENE in your spice rack? HERB or BASIL flying over a fence? HOMER under a car? JACK in a coffee cup? JOE in the men's room? JOHN sitting behind a news desk? JUSTIN in the ocean? BOB under a steamroller? LANE floating on a pond? LILY on a piece of paper? MARK on a stage? MIKE a woman with no arms, legs, head or torso? MUFFIE who is shaving? NICK in a motorized wheelchair? OTTO in a frying pan? PAM between two slices of bread? PATTY holding a coat? PEG who feels practically worthless? PENNY in a flowerbed? PETE in a hole? PHIL lying beside a carnival ride? RALPH who is covered with sauerkraut? REUBEN with a history of wheelchair collisions? REX in a bank vault? RICH covered with cement? ROCK being stoned to death? ROCKY who has been struck by lightning? ROD on a hill? ROLAND in a vase? ROSE on a beach? SANDY who is water skiing? SKIP who is an electrician? SPARKY in the end zone? SPIKE being cooked by cannibals? STU who can play 15 different musical instruments? STUMP THE BAND in a lingerie drawer? TEDDY who gets left behind in a restaurant? TIP on the President's desk? VITO given to you by a deceased uncle? WILL in an arid desert? WILT ...and the hits just keep on coming!
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated." The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate." Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8."
There was this fellow who had a pet goose. He loved his goose and took it everywhere with him. One day he went to the movies and the ticket seller told him that his goose was not allowed in the theater. He ran around the corner and stuffed the goose in his pants. Then he bought his ticket and went into the theater. He selected a seat next to two elderly ladies. During the movie he could hear his goose panting due to lack of air. He unzipped his pants to let the goose breathe. Soon the lady next to him elbowed her friend and whispered, "Esther, Esther you won't believe what’s going on next to me." Esther glances over and says, "Well, you've seen one you've seen them all." "Well, maybe, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?". To this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
What does a gentleman say to another gentleman at a gay bar when he walks up to the bar? "Excuse me sir..do you mind if I push your stool in?"
Why was the baby Strawberry sad? Because her mother was jammed. ======================================================== Where do cousins come from? Aunt holes! ======================================================== Q: Why do Scottsman wear kilts? A: Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away. ======================================================== Q: What do you call a black pilot? A: A pilot you racist. ======================================================== A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”
An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some teed-off husband wrote me and said that he'd kill me if I didn't stop ****ing his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"
A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area". He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement, she gets up and starts stripping right in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown.... I thought it was foreplay." The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?" Seconds before his death, he says... "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages......"
You might be a Redneck Jedi if: Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder. You describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken." You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters." Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn't have to wait for a commercial. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!" You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts. You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees." You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right." You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner. The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it. You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcast- ically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners" "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it BACK OPEN. "I TOLD YOU I WAS BROKE SAID THE LITTLE OLD LADY "Don't be SO hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he DUMPED a bucket of horse manure ALL OVER her LIVING ROOM carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they JUST cut my electricity off this morning."
A man and his wife are driving along a country road when he hits a skunk trying to cross the road. His wife,an avid animal lover,demands that he stop and help the skunk. After a brief argument he stops the car so his wife can get out and see if the animal is OK. After a few moments she walks back to the car with the skunk in her arms and says to her husband " He`s still alive, we must drive to the vet to help him". He replies, "are you nuts, no way you`re bringing that skunk in this car". She gives her husband an evil look and says " either you drive to the vet or I`m walking and if I walk you`ll be sorry. With that,he reluctantly agrees and drives to the vet. After a few minutes the skunk starts to shake and the wife says to her husband " take off your shirt so I can wrap it around the skunk to keep him warm". Now, the husband had all he can stand and says to his wife, "look,I wanted no part of this in the first place. I agreed to let you bring that thing in this car against my wishes but under no circumstances am I taking my shirt off so you can put it around that damn animal. If you want to keep the skunk warm just pull up your dress and put it between your legs". To which his wife responded " no way, I cant do that, what about the horrible stink". Her husband says ,"you`re absolutely right ,I guess you`ll just have to hold the skunks nose".
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."
On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating. "What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a black man. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!" "Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class." The woman shoots a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin. "Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class". Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person." With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..." At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane.
Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they are ugly and they stink. =================================================== Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'
The Body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder quickly puts his clothes back on and chases after her. When he catches up to her, he asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!"
Things you learn by having boys 1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy. 11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid. 25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to relieve themselves. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it. Looking around, she was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'"
