Some more funny stuff here!

opfinistic · Apr 27, 2009

Great Funny stuff here: http://www.fmylife.com/top

Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy *******s'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML
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Oh and some more here: http://www.imsobadatsex.com/

Last year I went to the wedding of a friend of mine from high school. At the reception I met a striking blonde named Amy (well endowed if you get my drift). Amy apparently went to high school with me and always thought I was "cute" (I personally did not recognize her but played along like I did). Anyways we totally hit it off as we ate, drank, and danced the evening away. Later in the evening, after the wedding was well over, she invited me up to her hotel room to continue the fun. Right then and there I should have said no because my stomach was having a difficult time dealing with some of the seafood I had ingested earlier. But this chick was SUPER hot and guys like me need to take every chance we get... so I reluctantly agreed. For the first hour everything was fine. Best sex I still think I've ever had. She was like a porn star. I was in heaven! But then, after we both had rested, I decided to go for round two. Trying be cool and aggressive I wanted to try other stuff. I asked her to let me get on top and let me take "advantage" of her large assets (something I'd wanted to do since I was 14). As I straddled on top of her, backside to her face, I went for the gold. She was moaning... and then screaming. I thought she was enjoying herself as much as I was... until I realized she was screaming in horror. She quickly pushed me off and ran into the bathroom. The smell that then hit my nose told me why. I had defecated liquid all over her neck and face and had not even noticed. I have never been that embarrassed. Sadly I tried to persuade her into a shower together to help get over it (and to make sure I got my rocks off) but she was pretty upset and asked me to leave. I'm so bad at sex.
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Laugh it up!

anlgp · Apr 27, 2009

yeah fmylife is good

DrAstroZoom · Apr 27, 2009

This is harsh:

Today, this really attractive woman that I've known for years told me that when I can have sex with her standing up, she'll have sex with me. I'm confined to a wheelchair. FML
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opfinistic · Apr 27, 2009

Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we weere joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
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lmao!

opfinistic · Apr 27, 2009

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML
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Stitches · Apr 27, 2009

Today, my wife went to the hospital because she had been gaining weight recently and had missed her period the last three months. We thought it was menopause. Turns out she's pregnant. I've been sterile since the day I was born. FML
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Ouch.

Today, I unexpectedly got my period at lacrosse practice. Our playing feild is a 1/2 mile run away any bathrooms so I headed towards the woods with a tampon. Just as I was about to insert the tampon, the entire boys cross country team ran by... laughing. FML
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Bwahaha

Samphin · Apr 27, 2009

Great stuff. I wonder if jumping out of a hotel window as a joke, only to break your tailbone would even register with some of these stories?

Stitches · Apr 27, 2009

Today, my boyfriend of 17 months, the first guy to tell me he loves me, the guy I lost my virginity to, the only guy whose parents I've met, told me we should stop 'hooking up' because it's weird that I was telling everyone we were a couple and it was ruining his chances of finding a girlfriend. FML
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Today, I sent an email to my best friend, telling him that I'm gay. When I was typing the email address in the "to:" field, it autocorrected the address to my mother. She just responded: "you filthy ******". FML
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Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML
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That's gotta suck.

Stitches · Apr 27, 2009

Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML
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Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML
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Opie is the 2nd one I bet.

Stitches · Apr 27, 2009

Scratch that, this has got to be Opie.

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my ***** over my jeans and said "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
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unluckyluciano · Apr 27, 2009

opfinistic said:

lmao!
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enforcer strikes again.......

Cosmic · Apr 27, 2009

I can't stop reading these! My life is so not pathetic compared to these stories.

unluckyluciano · Apr 27, 2009

inflames said:

today i was talking to my friend on messenger, all of a sudden he sends the message "dude im going to jersey tomorrow and driving this guy up there. We are sharing a hotel room, I hope something happens with all the drinking hehehe." I'm going with this guy to new jersey tomorrow we are sharing a hotel room and he is picking me up. FML
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true story.

Phinperor · Apr 27, 2009

unluckyluciano said:

true story.
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I don't have Messenger!

Frumundah Finnatic · Apr 27, 2009

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room... my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML
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ewwwwwwwww

opfinistic · Apr 27, 2009

Met a gal at the bar (I was bartending), never seen her before. Got drunk with the patrons, she asked me to call her a cab. I offered to take her home. New in town, was living in a ****ty little motel. Invited me in, we started kissing and then she asked, 'Do you have any sexual fantasies?' I was thinking, 'I'm not telling you that, we just met.' (Actually didn't know her name yet.) So I deflected the question by saying, 'what did you have in mind?' She says she likes to be tied up. We have no bondage material or anything even resembling it in this motel room. When genius struck, 'Aha, I'll tie her up with my clothes.' So I tie one arm with my t-shirt, the other arm with my spandex biker shorts (underneath my thrashed out jean shorts), and both her ankles with my socks. So she's naked and writhing on the bed, telling me to get over there, etc. At this point, drunk, I decide to enjoy the show. She's naked and has a nice body, so I decide to have a cigarette and watch for a while. Go to my leather jacket to get my cigarettes (its cold at night), when I grab the jacket it falls on the floor and the knife I had purchased that day falls out of the pocket. Think nothing of it, pick it up, blade out.... when disaster strikes. She sees the knife, doesn't know me and commences screaming, 'Don't kill me! Don't kill me!' Paper thin motel walls, cops are called and I get to drunkenly explain myself to law enforcement. Fortunately, I knew most of the cops from working at the bar, so they give me the benefit of the doubt and copious amounts of laughter. Decided to just give up and go home at this point, but, of course, my battery's dead. Had to call my dad. He laughed too. I'm so bad at sex.
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OpeIsDope · Apr 28, 2009

Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML
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Wait. How did his parents know which file is his favorite porn video?

opfinistic · Apr 28, 2009

OpeIsDope said:

Wait. How did his parents know which file is his favorite porn video?
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They were the stars?

BuckeyeKing · Apr 28, 2009

opfinistic said:

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/facepalm

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opfinistic Braaaaains!

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Stitches ThePhin's Biggest Killjoy Luxury Box

Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

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opfinistic Braaaaains!

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opfinistic Braaaaains!

BuckeyeKing Wolves DYNASTY!!!!

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