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Dealing With Jealousy

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by Seeking Answers, Sep 24, 2009.

  1. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    It's always been a character flaw of mine. I have a wonderful girl who has a bit of a storied past but she is in complete love with me and I with her. However, she still is in contact with her ex-boyfriend that, it's clear to me he wants her back, but she just says he's being friendly.

    The other day I came over to her house without calling ahead and she told me not to show up in surprising fashion because she didn't like it. When I showed up, the neighbor was over and they were outback smoking a cigarett. She asked me if it felt re-assuring that I showed up early and that she WASN'T doing anything suspicious.

    Just weird stuff keeps arising about cheating. I know I'm overly jealous person, but I'm just wondering how you guys have handled this major character flaw or how you see my situation.

    Thank you.
     
  2. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Just to add a little bit that I forgot to post.

    She agreed to go to a movie with her ex, just the two of them, that they had agreed to see when they were together. She wrote it in her planner and everything. She didn't tell me but told me to go through her planner to read something else and I stumbled upon that.

    This guy also has a daughter that she was sort of the mom for (not real mom, but she was the only structure in her life.) She insists this is the only reason she has contact with him, but I'm wondering why she needs to see a movie with him.

    I feel dirty. I feel like I want to snoop through her things. It sucks. Please help.
     
  3. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    I am the complete opposite of being jealous. I trust my wife and unless I saw/heard something that would make me distrust her I would never cause her any grief.

    Now she, on the other hand, is mad jealous. And I mean bad. Let me tell you, being on the other side of jealousy is not fun, and it's a real problem in our relationship. If we go out and I am too friendly with the waitress we end up bickering (sometimes fighting depending on how irrational she is) and the night gets ruined. This can also happen at a grocery store, the mall, damn near anywhere. It has gotten to the point where I am a bit gun shy when talking with other women, I don't want to end up pissed off later over an idle conversation. Does your jealousy only come into play with her ex, or is it in general? Would you get angry if she were speaking to a good looking dude (like myself) when you two are out? If so, be careful, it builds up a lot of resentment in the other party and can lead to some bitter arguments.
     
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  4. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    It's not too bad with other guys, but it's there. I never mention that and I haven't mentioned the stuff with her ex. I know I shouldn't even bring it up, that's why I'm trying to talk it out here so I don't go say something stupid to her.

    It's just weird, a lot of pieces seem to add up.
     
  5. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    How long you been together?
    How long they been split up?
    I don't get the movie thing either, but I've never remained friends with any exes, they usually want to shoot me when all is said and done, but I have friends that keep in tough with exes and go out with them, no romance, so to speak, involved. Main thing is you need to have trust in the relationship, without that you will never have peace, jealousy is distrust's ugly cousin. I would talk it out with her, let her know you are uncomfortable, see how she reacts. If she's reasonable and forthcoming with any and all info then you probably have nothing to worry about. If she's defensive and argumentative then there might be a problem.
     
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  6. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    I brought the movie thing up with her. She said if I didn't want her to go, she wouldn't. I said that I didn't like the idea that she thought it was completely normal.

    So I did talk that part with her but you're right, I just need to trust before making accusations.
     
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  7. Agua

    Agua Reality: Try It!

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    Look at it this way; jealousy will make you hideously ugly to her.

    Before we were married, my first wife (and the divorce had nothing to do with the following) had ex-boyfriends over at her house all the time and guys that I could absolutely get the vibe were wanting in her pants. The only way to deal with it is to trust her and put it out of your mind. If she screws you over, then screw it - go find another - but you aren't going to guilt or snoop her into fidelity if she's screwing around.
     
  8. Agua

    Agua Reality: Try It!

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    Boy, oh boy, been on that end of it. I am not kidding when I say I had a girlfriend that would watch my eyes and jump my !@#$ if I even glanced at another chick. I got to where I just looked at the ground all the time when we were out in public.
     
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  9. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    It would be nearly impossible to accept, but you're right. Thank you.
     
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  10. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

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    Dude...completely UNACCEPTABLE, if she loves you no way this goes on man. That gut feeling you have to snoop and that something isn't right is called your instinct, love makes you ignore it. DONT!! Do not, ignore it man. Something isn't kosher, and if you want a future with her you need to get to the bottom of it now. Its not a trust issue..its a respect issue. If she is like a "mom" to his kid cool, go pick up the kid and have a good time, going to the movie with the dad, also the ex? NOT happening in my world playa!
     
  11. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    What happened was I had flipped initially then told her to go ahead and do what she need to do. I said this anticipating she would say she didn't want to go. Then she just said, "okay" nothing else. So the next day it came up and I said I wasn't happy with it and she, understandingly said, "Okay, if you don't want me to go, I won't."

    Is it wrong to be upset that she even thought it might be okay?
     
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  12. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    Latin girl?
     
  13. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    Different people have different outlooks on former relationships.
     
  14. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    i would say this man. it depends how long you've been together. if it hasn't been a long time, then theres no reason to worry about her cheating. Why? because in my mind she shouldn't be chilling with her ex if he's trying to hook up with her. Friendly or not, he needs to understand you think he's serious, and she needs to tell him to back off. Her not tells me she is happy stringing him along in case you two don't work out.
    Having said that, don't follow her, don't surprise her, call her if thats what she desires, but you let her know, thats how its going to be for you and your house. In other words you treat her like she treats you. She wants an open relationship then **** it man you know you aren't headed anywhere and just treat it as such. But again it all boils down to me, how long you have been together. Just don't get crazy is the main thing bro lol
     
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  15. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    one of the reasons i married my wife was the way she made me felt and her unwavering loyalty. she made and makes me feel like im the only man that matters(that isnt her relative). and i knew that was important to me. i dont have any true female friends. and i knew i wouldn't mesh well with a woman who had a bunch of guy friends. especially when 99% of guy friends are after one thing anyway.

    thats a tough area with the kid. i dont know how old you are, but when a kid is involved, you have to get used to the fact that the ex is always going to be around. and its in everyones best interest to get to know eachother and get along. but as you said, thats not her kid, and he wants her back. so thats just ugly. when you're young and in love, there shouldn't be other guys around and frequent occurrences to cause jealousy. it should be you, your woman, and all your friends who you both become well acquainted with. when you're older, and there are kids involved, you need to accept the children's other parent as a part of your new life.

    i think jealousy brings out the worst in us, but some women bring it out in men more than others. you cant be a untrusting psycho, but you also have to make sure things are kosher too, if your woman is constantly throwing you curve balls. and if its something she cant improve upon, you may want to consider letting her go. tell her that you can't accept her throwing herself into situations on a regular basis where someone is trying to take her from you romantically. if she wants to be a part of that kids life, then i'd suggest you be a part of that too. if she needs to play the mommy role, play the step-dad role.
     
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  16. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    Let me throw in another perspective. Maybe she likes having you a little bit jealous? It makes her feel in control?

    How is her general level of security? and yours? If she is a bit insecure she may enjoy the feeling of being wanted by many?

    I would not discount her "Mommy" feelings towards the ex's daughter. Those are good feelings and it is honorable that she want to continue to provide a stable influence in the girl's life, but I think she is enjoying seeing you twist in the wind a little and that is unsettling to me. I have had to do counseling with couples who have less red flags.

    Beware! I am afraid you may be being manipulated. I hope I am wrong.
     
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  17. Muck

    Muck Throwback Uniform Crusader Retired Administrator

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    I'm way late to the thread, but I agree with Big E. The movie is COMPLETELY unacceptable. And the fact that she doesn't feel that it's DISRESPECTFUL is a red flag.

    You have every right to be upset and suspicious. If you're in love with each other, you're way beyond the point of calling before you show up.

    I'm curious to know what's happened in the past two weeks.
     
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  18. bigbry

    bigbry Huge Member

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    I am also.
     
  19. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    after reading your second post..

    i had major jealousy issues for a very similar reason. my friend (also: ex) wanted to hang out with her friend (who was her ex). hanging out i have no problem with, but when you're telling me that you're laying over them and "that's just something you and your friends do" then yes, I have an issue.

    when you stay out until 4/5am and "forget" to call multiple times over at the same persons house it made me get a little jumpy.

    there was a history there (she had cheated on me with this girl before) so I felt justified in my jealousy.

    now, just because i felt justified doesn't mean something was actually HAPPENING. now after continuing a friendship with her I see that some of the emotion was indeed justified, but some of it was not.

    i wonder - does she not tell you because there is something going on, or does she not tell you because she knows what your reaction will be and is getting tired of it?

    either is an issue. there is defintely something between you.. and what it was for me was I needed to not treat her certain ways, but IMO she didn't hold up to certain ends of the relationship bargain as well... at least in my eyes. (ie. laying on friends bit).

    after the fact i have to say that cheating is a potato/po-tah-to thing, and the lines need to be well defined. if you feel like something is crossing the line and she has no respect for that, maybe you need to re-evaluate what makes you two tick.

    because if you can't respect what each other want out of life it won't go anywhere.

    my friend (read: ex) are much better friends than we are a couple. she's an awesome person and someone will be lucky to date her, marry her, etc one day.

    but we just weren't meant for a relationship.

    Too Long Didn't Read (TLDR); sometimes jealousy reares its ugly head for good reason. sometimes you need to realize when you need to back off a bit.
    sometimes it can be both.

    be careful and remember treat someone how you want to be treated. if you feel that you're not giving or getting that you need to have a serious sit down... now.
     
  20. #1 fan

    #1 fan Well-Known Member

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    i guess i'm late too, but i have three things to add:

    1) your "jealousy" is not a problem. your reaction is completely normal. the fact that she would even put you in a position like this should raise a red flag.

    2) I would be very direct with her. either tell her she can't go or she can, but don't waver. it's only going to hurt you.

    3) showing or admitting your jealousy is only going to get ugly. i'd find a way to address this issue, where it doesn't feel like you have to give up ground, or seem like you're "loosing your cool."
     
  21. Fin Fan In Cali

    Fin Fan In Cali Dolphin fan since 1970 Luxury Box

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    Bro I think you will be looking for someone better. If she is in touch with the ex-boyfriend it isn't good. I wish you the very best.:wink2:
     

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