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Living with an alcoholic.

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by Seeking Answers, Jun 14, 2010.

  1. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    So I was just informed by my girlfriend that the main reason she let me move back in with her is because I told her I understood why she drank as much as she did because of issues she has with her legs, but I never said I agreed with it. Background: we were together for 8 yrs prior to me leaving her and our kids. I did what I did because I was miserable. I hated myself and my life, and I hated her drinking, and lying. She drank the whole time we were together, she just got better at hiding it from me. I even caught her drunk while she was pregnant with our second child. It infuriated me and broke me heart so bad that the mother of my children was this weak and addicted to something that she would do this to my infant child. I am still scarred by that. So then about a yr and a half ago I went and saw my mother who has recently almost died from her lungs being so bad from yrs and yrs of smoking, that she is now on oxygen for the rest of her life and has COPD. My mother is 53 yrs old! She is too young to be as fragile and messed up as she is! And I wasn't ready to see her like that, it f-ed me up, real bad. So then I come home to my girlfriend the mother of my children who not only smokes like my mother did, but drinks and is overweight....was over whelming. It was too much. So I left, and I mean I left the state to start a new life, but I missed my kids. I missed them so bad. I would go to my best friends house and see him with his wife and his kid..and I would go home and cry....I had to come back. I missed my kids..and I missed her to a degree. When she doesn't drink she is awesome. She's a great mother,funny, smart....but her demons weigh so heavy on me...I know they do her too. I have been back in my house with my family for two months..she has gotten drunk every single one of those nights. I finally said something to her tonight when she told me what she did....I just dont know how to deal or cope with this. I have watched so many family members die from alcohol or smoking....and I cant trust her. I dont know what to do....
     
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  2. Nappy Roots

    Nappy Roots Well-Known Member

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    That's tough man. Why wouldn't you just take the kids and leave? It would be better for them and better for you...
     
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  3. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Because she is an awesome mother. If she endangered them it wouldn't even be an issue. But she functions perfect. I would be doing more harm than good by doing that.
     
  4. FinsPensFan

    FinsPensFan Professional Slacker

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    I went through something very similar with my late wife. Her drinking destroyed our marriage and took her life. She died in a alcohol related car crash.

    I went through the same things you were mentioning above. She would hide her drinking the best she could, but I could always tell.

    It's a tough situation, man. I feel for you.
     
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  5. gafinfan

    gafinfan gunner Club Member

    I really feel for you, know one thing though, you will not change her only she can or will do that.

    As for your children, that is another matter altogether, I hope you rethink your feelings in that matter. When drunk an acholic is not able to think properly and when you add smoking into that picture the results can be deadly.

    You and yours are in my prayers.
     
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  6. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    You may say she is an awesome Mom, but is she? What kind of model is she for the kids? Someone who has multiple addictions and thinks more of the addictions than she does of her kids? The under lying messages she is giving the kids are very damaging. All of that is beyond the simple health questions of alcholic negiligence and second hand smoke.

    Al-anon is designed for folks like you. They are the experts. I urge you to find a meeting in your area and start attending. Also think first of your kids, not yourself and not their Mother. They are unable to care for themselves in this situation and you have a primary responsibility to them even over yourself!

    I will remember this situation in my prayers
     
  7. eric

    eric New Member

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    take the kids and leave.

    you already left once and she hasnt learned from it. leave with the kids this time. this way you will be happy, your kids will be safe, and she will either gets worse on her own, without endangering you or the children, or clean up when she realizes she lost everything.

    life is too short for this kind of ****. and you only get one go around. better to leave now then stick around with misery and wait for a tragedy.

    maybe you missed her because you didnt find anyone to replace her while you were gone. but im sure if you took your children and found a functional woman you would be much happier.
     
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  8. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Leaving with the kids is not an option. I know it sounds dumb, but they are better with her than without her. To take them away from her would be harder on them than imaginable. She is their world.
     
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  9. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    That right there can be very bad for them later on.
     
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  10. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    Lucky is right, that is a scary sentence. If they are that invested in her and she is an alcoholic you might not be able to imagine the long term damage that is being done.

    I do a lot of pastoral counseling as the senior pastor of a large congregation in a small town and not only is situation a mess, I have worked with the survivors of situations like that and they have emotional scars for years! Get to an Al-Anon meeting and consider your options!
     
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  11. azfinfanmang

    azfinfanmang Premium Member Luxury Box

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    God Bless the OP, and God Bless those in here with incredible insight.
    Pastor Keith, as always, you write calming words my friend....and Lucky is very correct to point out that key sentence.
     
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  12. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    I think the best advice is what the pastor gave. Find a meeting, sit in on it, participate when you feel comfortable. Find a professional to talk to. Look for a message board, I'm sure there are ones out there. Whatever it is,please consider doing something. I think you already are, but do not let it get to where she is hurting you and worst yet hurting the kids, in a large way. Don't let feeling embarassed, if you feel that way, or hurt, or cornered, or just to proud, or whatever stop you from doing what is right for you, and for your kids.
     
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  13. gafinfan

    gafinfan gunner Club Member

    I agree with everyone else here, I know its hard but the children come before everything else, hurt feeling don't matter esp. in the long run.
     
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  14. Crappy Tipper

    Crappy Tipper AKA Hero13

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    They are forming the mindset that what is going on with your wife is correct and are doomed to repeat it later in life with their own addictions or a spouse of their own.

    Ask yourself this do you want to risk an emergency situation in the house or behind the wheel with your kids at her hands?
     
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  15. Disnardo

    Disnardo Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    There is always, and Intervention...

    Get together with members of her family, her friends and members of your family...

    Pick a date and have them all there telling her how much she means to them and see how it goes from there...

    Wish you find a speedy answer to your problems... my prayers have been sent...
     
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  16. Fin Fan In Cali

    Fin Fan In Cali Dolphin fan since 1970 Luxury Box

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    Brother intervention at least for right now, but you have to get those children out of that environment or they will think that is the correct way to live. It will hurt at first, but I am sorry she isn't an awesome mom wasted every night. The short term pain is out weighed by the long term development of the children. I wish you the best brother.

    I grew up with my mom being wasted all the time through jr high and high school, and it was not pleasant. I am the oldest of three boys, and I got out of that bad environment as fast as I could and went into the marine corps. My middle brother got really messed up by my mom, to which it effects him still to this day.

    You must think of the childrens best interests long term, not just the present.

    I lost count how many times I woke up just in time to catch a tv being thrown at me in my bed by my mom after drinking heavily.
     
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  17. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Just to update, I am attending an Al-anon meeting tomorrow. I have alot of decisions to make concerning me and my family. I want to approach it the best way possible. Thanks for all the advie, you guys mean alot more to me than some of you know. Thanks.
     
  18. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    Great news. They are not a magic bullet but they should start the process going in the right direction!
     
  19. Bumrush

    Bumrush Stable Genius Club Member

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    Any update?

    As someone that lived with a spouse that was mentally unstable and an emotional wreck, I can only advise you, based on my interactions, interactions with psychologists and through my research that the odds are very likely that she will never change.. Most people undergoing severe emotional behavioral issues do not have the capacity to face and overcome their demons... I hope all is well for you
     
  20. Anonymous

    Anonymous Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I hope all is well for you man.
     
  21. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Yeh the update is things still suck. Lol. Its got to the point where she has told me that its my fault and I knew this was who she was. So....its a mess.
     
  22. cnc66

    cnc66 wiley veteran, bad spelur Luxury Box

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    how can someone that got drunk while carrying child be an awesome mother ?... if she is getting drunk without you around and a responsible adult in custody of your children.. how awesome is that?... leaving your children in the custody of a drunken mother is simple not responsible and IS doing more harm than good. How will you feel if she gets drunk and burns the house down with your children in it? If you think you are crying now, how about then? It is a real possibility, one you MUST consider. It matters not how much she loves them if her disease is running her life, as a father, your first responsibility is to your children.. get them and make them safe, stop making excuses for their mothers behavior.

    tough love brother, and I KNOW it isn't easy. I watched MY mother drink herself to death and nothing helped, IMO, and it's only "my" opinion, YOU should have custody of your children... going to ALANON meetings is a great place to start they may be able to help you cope with the issue, and make better informed decisions.

    PM me any time, you and your family are in my prayers.
     
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