Samphin's Manifesto: What I learned during Preseason

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Summer time is traditionally when the kids of all ages go swimming, play outside with their friends and try their damnedest to forget every single thing they learned during the previous school year. But for football fans like you and I, the months of June, July and August are when we take of our dunce caps, crack open the notebook (and the beer) and learnify us some football!

Now some will tell you that pre-season is irrelevant and that you can't really learn much from it. My response to them is that THEY are irrelevant and thus, I can't learn **** form them. Yes, defenses are typically vanilla. Yes, you often see teams win with players that are now reading this unsightly diatribe, and yes, ultimately the games don't count (I am looking at YOU Mr. I-like-to-efficiently-play-my-efficient-starters-in-the-fourth-game-Sparano).

But if you venture beyond finger deep within the borderline, you can find all kinds of nuggets of information to chew on. Not only have I chewed on these nuggets, but I have swallowed, digested and shat these nuggets out. With that said, lets open up the toilet bowl and see what we find, shall we?

Dan Henning is still bat**** crazy

The old man who has been described as an innovator and an offensive guru, has finally proven himself to be none of these things. Instead, what most of us suspected was true, has been confirmed. Dan Henning is ****ing nuts.

And not the fun kind of nuts where he lights himself on fire while masturbating naked in the middle of the street. But the bad kind of crazy where he has shifty eyes and sits on the porch drinking moonshine and petting his shotgun.

Speaking of shotgun, Henning apparently only likes to use that formation if a running back is takign a snap. He also likes to run play action on third and long and basically make calls that you wouldn't even do in a Madden video game when facing a ******ed monkey.

Wait, maybe Henning isn't b at**** crazy, maybe he is just a ******ed monkey.

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Even Tony Sparano thinks he is Tony SOPRANO

The former pudgy midget of a coach has waddled himself free of 60 or so pounds and has apparently let himself have a new attitude as well. While the man has always been somewhat stoic and reserved when talking with the media, he has always come off very well when spoken about amongst players.

Until now. Now the skinnier head coach is flexing his Napoloean muscle and is seemingly cutting every veteran player he can find in favor of young, undrafted free agents that he and his staff can develop. Some would say that he and the management team cut these players on account of saving Steve Ross some money, but I have my own theory.

I think Sparano has finally been convinced that he is Soprano and in such, has become a crazy hybrid hitman and coach, offing any and all veterans who may try to usurp him from his tiny little chair at the top of his organized football kingdom. To fully engulf himself into his new role, he has even bought himself a bunch of wife beaters and Journey tapes. The angry little runt has maintained control of his team however, and looks to lead them into battle this season.

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Rex Ryan is still ****ing fat
Despite wrapping his big fat belly with essentially, a zip-tie, the Jets head coach is still a chubby bunny who has never (ever) stopped jiggling. The dude is fat. Super Fat. Charlie Weis looks at him in disgust. Fat ****ing piece of hippo **** eating son of a ***** bastard.

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Chad Pennington's hair is made completely of hay

Much like the Corey's of the 80's, the Dolphins have the Chad's once again in 2010. And also like the Corey's, one of the Chad's is a good looking, very strong younger guy who has the whole world to look forward to(Heim/Henne).

And the other one has the worst hair in his chosen trade (Feldman/Pennington). Chad Pennington is a natural leader and someone that just about everyone on the team can look up to. Except they CAN'T look up at him, because a piece of straw might poke them in the eyeball. Seriously, this guy is lucky he is a football player and not involved with the rodeo in anyway. Otherwise his weould be bald once the horses ate all of his hair.

Pennington's might be the best QB in the game from the neck up in terms of mentally, but when only goats are attracted to your flowing, country locks, it might be time for a makeover...

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SAMPHIN'S SUPER SIMULATOR OF EXACTO SCIENCE AND NEATO-NESS

So Sunday is the big day. Footbal is back but more importantly, the MIAMI DOLPHINS are back! As you all may know, I predicted the season record last year with a somewhat "flawed," system that involved myself, Landshark Lager and a deck. It uhm...did not go well.

So this year, I have refined my technique and instead of predicting the entire season at once, I shall enter my patented formulas into my computer and and run precise simulations to decide the outcome. So with that said, let's run it and see what happens on Sunday!

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So there you have it. Miami walks out of Barfalo with a win and everyone who bets the under and lays money on Miami walks away with some extra coin in their pocket.

Until next time...

 

...this may not be the article for you...

 

The Goose to your Maverick!