Here's how I see this year's draft going down. Pittsburgh Steelers: Andrew Luck (QB), Indianpolis Colts. Pittsburg nabs their QB for the foreseable future. After trading for the only NFL QB taller than Ben Rapeyouinyourmouthburger (with a name nearly as hard to pronouce), the Steelers come to their senses and take the only QB available who can improve their situation. New England Patriots: Colin Klein (QB), Kansas State University. It's widely known that Bill Belichek is something of a Tebow fan, so it makes sens for the Patriots to draft the only QB in the draft who is less accurate than the former Gator. When reached for comment Belichek had this to say: "Jesus Christ." Not sure if that's good or bad. Oakland Raiders: Corpse Al Davis (Minor Demon), Hell. After a quiet start to the offseason, the Raiders consult their Oujia board and ressurect Al Davis. When asked to comment, GM Mach had this to say: "LOL U Mad? Haters Goin Hate." Detroit Lions: Chance Womak (G), Alabama. The Detroit Lions GM has quietly been destroying his team, working hard to ship out as many players as possible. We're not really sure why, but we're sure it will make sense eventually. Detroit Lions: Dee Milliner (CB), Alabama. The Lions continue their rebuilding effort, nabbing Milliner. "It's a passing league" said Duss. "Blah, Blah, Blah." It's notable that the Draft Hat given to Milliner had the Lion crossed out. Miami Dolphins: Lennay Kekua (WR), Hawaii - Wait no USC. In Kekua the Dolphins get a player who can get behind the defense, a seam stretcher and someone who is sure to pump you up before and after the game. Sure, she may be imaginary but don't the the Dolphins GM that. "Look man, she's clearly hot, and it was a pick both me and my co-GM could agree on. He can be such a bastard." We here at The Drunken Viking aren't here to judge. Detroit Lions: D.J. Fluker (T), Alabama. I'm being told that the Detroit Lions have submitted paperwork to rename their team the Michigan Elephants. Nike is reportedly estatic about the change. Cincinnati Bengals: Tyrann Mathieu (CB), LSU. The Bengals can't help but being the Bungles. Baltimore Ravens: Star Lotulelei (DT), Utah. The Ravens can't help being the Ravens. Tennessee Titans: Manti Te'o (ILB), Notre Dame. Oh those tricky Titans. Rumors out of Tennessee are that the Titans are prepared to offer Manti his choice of several attractive - albeit fake - online girlfriends. Houston Texans: Jarvis Jones (OLB), Georgia. In Jones the Texans continue to add pass rush to the defense. Cleveland Browns: Geno Smith (QB), West Virginia. The normally laid-back Browns GM had this to say after drafting Smith: "We drafted Geno? Whoa man, that's very cool." Rumors are that the GM really liked Smith's game, and it didn't hurt that his "hair smelled like lavendar." Washington Redskins: Stringer Bell (Mod), The Phins.com. Having already given himself a minority share in the franchise, Stringer also becomes the first GM in history to draft himself. "Ego is a big part of this game," said String. Word is he's considering playing himself at multiple positions, and he's also eyeing himself as a possible midseason replacement at coach. Michigan Elephants: Jesse Williams (DT), Alabama. Via Twitter: @therealnicksaban reportedly has "no interest" in coaching the Michigan Elephants. More on this story, as it develops ... though we hear that GM Duss is "very open" to the idea. New Orleans Saints: No Pick. In a protest against "Ginger Chairman Mao," the New Orleans Saints refuse to make a first round pick, apparantly to get back at Goodell for ruining their 2012 season. "We're not going to follow his rules any more," said GM Saint Greg. St. Louis Rams: Steven Jackson (RB), Cleveland Browns. The GM of the Rams has found a loophole in the GM League bylaws, pointing out that there isn't a law specically preventing him from drafting existing players. "Look, we all know that Jackson wanted to be a Ram." Said Paul. "I'm just here to facilitate his dream." Kansas City Chiefs: Jordan Palmer (QB), Currently unemployed. The Kansas City Chiefs nab their QB of the future in Jordan Palmer, the younger and less talented brother of washed-up Raiders QB Carson Palmer. "Can you imagine it," said the Chiefs GM. "Palmer vs. Palmer. It's like Manning vs. Manning but without the intrigue or drama." Dallas Cowboys: Jessica Simpson (TE), Nashville. I got this text from the Cowboys GM: "Shes hotttt. Gotsta do sumthinn 2 hilp Romos gayme. Nede beer brb." Then, a single word: "Boobs" We here at the Drunken Viking aren't really sure what any of that means. New York Giants: Corradelle Patterson (WR), Tennessee. WRs go very fast in this league, so it was surprising to see Patterson last this long. Chicago Bears: Quinton Patton (WR), Louisiana Tech. Uh oh, here comes the run on WRs ... Minnesota Vikings: Thor Odinson (Norse God), Asgard. Nepotism at it's finest, as the Minnesota Vikings draft the son of the GM. Word are that Thor wants to start at Defensive Tackle, something that has his father very upset. St. Louis Rams: Tyler Eifert (TE), Notre Dame. Rumors abound that the only reason the Rams agreed to auction off Lance Kendricks was because they were undeniably attracted to the Notre Dame Tight End. Minnesota Vikings: Case of Norse Mead (Alcoholic Beverage), Asgard. Referring to the mead as "brain fuel", GM VO appeared on the podium briefly, before running offstate holding his mouth. Denver Broncos: DaRick Rogers (WR), Tennnessee Tech. The Broncos GM is known as a bit of a gambler, which makes sense taking the boom-or-bust Rogers. It's a gutsy move but we'll have to wait and see if it pays off. Seattle Seahawks: Ray Lewis (LB), University of Miami. Having already added fossils Steve Smith and Champ Bailey to the team, one thing is clear. The GM of the Seahawks values age and experience over things like athleticism and playmaking ability. In Lewis he gets a guy who can clearly start for one or two games before his bionic body parts start to malfunction. Green Bay Packers: Robert Woods (WR), USC. Wide Receivers continue to fly off the board, with Robert Woods being picked up by the Packers. He should fit in perfectly after they fail to franchise Greg Jennings. New York Jets: Bastard Son of Dan Marino (QB?), Chester A. Arthur Elementary School. Because some men want to watch the world burn. San Francisco 49ers: Keenan Allen (WR), California. We know that the 49ers GM has watched a lot of tape, but did he watch any of Allen's games? The guy has bust written all over him. New England Patriots: Stedman Bailey (WR), West Virginia. A Wes Welker clone, Bailey will help the new era in New England get off on the right foot. Atlanta Falcons: Justin Hunter (WR), Tennesse. Having the 6-3 Rhoddy White and 6-4 Julio Jones on the roster isn't enough for the Atlanta GM, who adds the 6-4 Hunter to the mix as well. San Francisco 49ers: Xavier Rhodes (CB), Florida State. I think the 49ers GM is the only one taking this mock seriously. New York Jets: Ryan Nassib (QB), Syracuse. At some point the Jets will need to do something at QB.
Damn right.. how the hell do you have Jessica Simpson falling to 18 to the Cowboys?? Clearly she has the tightest end in this draft. There were rumors circulating that Tony Romo, in fact, is a homo. Which means that the "relationship" he had with Jessica was a cover up. He doesn't want to lose his locker room due to his homosexuality. With that being said, I believe Simpson has all the talent in the world to a top 10 selection in this upcoming draft.
great, hilarious mock. not sayin I'm callin bs on the text, cause I don't remember sending it, but I totally know what that means and therefore I'm calling shenanigans.
Well damn. Looks like you're a better scout than I am. That completely slipped passed me. LOL I don't even know much about her. After Google-ing her, I've noticed that she's tacked on post-preganacy weight. I think she could make a healthy transition from Tight End to Nose Tackle. I actually need a NT now that you mention it. I hope she slips down to 28, I'm drafting that big *****.
btw I'm totally offering up my whole draft for the #1 pick for Jessica Simpson. tomorrow, I won't remember a damn thing.