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Samphin's Manifesto: Where The Eff Have You Been? Offseason Edition

Discussion in 'Miami Dolphins Forum' started by Samphin, May 30, 2013.

  1. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    When this here website was in it's infancy, I was asked by Muck to write a weekly column with my usual brand of idiocy. I jumped at the opportunity and let him know that he could count on me. What I didn't tell him is that he could count on me to miss deadlines, disappear for months on end, write for my own websites as well as stand-up comedians, and make babies after whiskey influenced benders.

    But with those days well behind me (except for the kid...I seem to be stuck with her for awhile), it is time to get back on the ol' horse and recap the offseason that was. So without further adieu...on to the Manifesto.

    [​IMG]


    The Mysterious Logo of Miami-Land
    Mike Dee announced roughly five years ago that a new logo and uniform combination was forthcoming. Old would meet new, tradition would marry modernization and everyone from Dan Marino to Ace Ventura to Joe Robbie's skull loved it and so would every Miami fan ever in the history of history. But no one is allowed to see it until Pluto was re-instated as a planet.

    What Mike Dee DIDN'T count on was that it was 2013 and this "newfangled internet thing," was totally gonna feed him a harshmallow by leaking worse than Don Shula in a pair of depends. And once the logo was leaked, the debate raged on as to whether it was an improvement to the cartoonish, down syndrome-y, helmet wearing dolphin of the past 45+ years, or if it was a ****ing whale. Seriously, that was the biggest debate on this board and every other fan board. Personally, I don't see how anyone can possibly see a whale in the design, but feel free to look again and be the judge.

    [​IMG]

    Bye-Baaaaaaaaaaaah
    Jake Long, Miami's #1 overall pick from yesteryear and everyone's favorite left tackle to love...and hate, became a free agent. Despite a massive lobbying effort by his fellow linemen and a contract proposal that would have paid him more money to stay, Jake took his talents, and his wife, away from South Beach. As it turned out, Jake Long saw the changes that Miami was making and decided he wanted no part of this new culture of success. Instead he went where he was comfortable and where losing is more of a certainty than anywhere else in the NFL over the last decade...St. Louis. The ultimate deal maker for Jake was when Jeff Fisher offered to send a first class ram for Big Jake to ride back to the midwest.

    [​IMG]

    Mike "Flash" Wallace
    The start of Free Agency netted the Dolphins the fastest receiver in the league, Mike "Flash" Wallace, who lived up to his own hype by signing a contract faster than anyone else in the league. He also shattered the Dolphins record for getting into the public's doghouse, when just a few weeks later, he tweeted an anti-gay slur. The aftermath forced Wallace to apologize, stating, "I am sorry to all of the fanny bandits I offended. I never meant to make those fairies cry."

    Just remember Miami fans, we paid him that money because he runs fast, not because he is a thinker...

    [​IMG]


    Stadium Upgrades...err uhm...Whoops
    After the logo and uniform reveals, and the whirlwind of activity that was free agency, Miami unveiled plans to upgrade their home stadium using taxpayer money in an effort to save billionaire owner, Stephen Ross from having to go to Coinstar and turn in his loose change and pay for it himself. Forgetting that Miami residents had just been F'ed in the A by another sports franchise owner into paying for a new stadium after a frenzied free agency spending spree, the measure was slapped down harder than Dikembe Mutumbo versus a box of cereal in a Geico commercial.

    But all is not lost. Miami's PR department has decided to simply market the older stadium as the movie set from the latest Batman movie and force "that Steelers receiver," they purchased to run that same play from the movie, over and over again. And I don't even know what the fuss is all about...the stadium looks perfectly fine to me.

    [​IMG]

    Jason Taylor Part Deux
    And finally, the NFL draft allowed Miami to once again, steal the spotlight and headlines. Jeff Ireland, the embattled GM of the Dolphins who has remarkably been able to weather the storm of an angry fan base made the bold decision to trade up and draft a bust, as opposed to stay put and draft a bust at the original draft spot. All kidding aside, the Dolphins drafted Oregon's Dion Jordan to help shore up a pass rush that feature Cam Wake and ugh...well, Cam Wake. The beauty of the whole thing is that if Jordan DOES end up being a bust, we can simply call Jason Taylor, stick him in Jordan's uniform and no one would be the wiser. Way to go Jeff!

    [​IMG]



    See everyone in another three years!
     
    HULKFish, Sippi, shula_guy and 37 others like this.
  2. padre31

    padre31 Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A) because one disagree with Mike Wallace does not make him any less of a "thinker" that is intellectual arrogance. Which oddly, is Sammie's specialty

    B) Don Shula does not leak into his depends, he ****s excellence

    C) Mike Dee is quite possibly the dumbest PR man in existence, he is to PR what Herpes is to casual sex

    D)Sammie is possibly a bigger Diva then Kim Bokamper

    Luv ya Sammie!
     
  3. djphinfan

    djphinfan Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Damn, I didnt know Shoes booked the depends campaign.
     
  4. djphinfan

    djphinfan Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Couldn't disagree with you more on Dee, he's trying to do things that I've wanted done before he got here, uniform and logo change being two of them.
     
  5. padre31

    padre31 Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Dumb dumb never should have went over the top about the stadium upgrades being rejected via Tallahassee
     
  6. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    Once I figure out how and where you insulted me, I will be back.
     
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  7. djphinfan

    djphinfan Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Probabaly not, but dumb dumb was the whole process that they got fu&$ed on.
     
  8. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    I think we can all agree that no one creates worse, poop tingling nicknames, than Pads and Deej.
     
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  9. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    Btw...did you guys make up your own nicknames?





    See that?
     
  10. smahtaz

    smahtaz Pimpin Ain't Easy

    I don't know how you can say that. He intentionally alienated the franchise so that the local groups that benefit most would be forced to carry the torch moving forward if they want prime time events in S. Florida. Stadium upgrades don't have any affect on the Miami Dolphins.
     
  11. djphinfan

    djphinfan Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Lololololol...really???, hmmm, I considered my self the official nickname giver guy.
     
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  12. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    You mean meh-nifesto.
     
  13. GARDENHEAD

    GARDENHEAD Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Burn!
     
  14. Jt0323

    Jt0323 Fins Up! Luxury Box

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    <3.
     
  15. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

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    thought these were just things of mythology. The famous Tigerclaw.
     
  16. brandon27

    brandon27 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I always love reading these. :lol: Amusing way to start off a friday today.
     
  17. Pandarilla

    Pandarilla Purist Emeritus

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    [​IMG]
     
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  18. Pandarilla

    Pandarilla Purist Emeritus

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    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  19. DOLPHAN1

    DOLPHAN1 Premium Member Luxury Box

    I think I preferred your drunken Landshark prediction of how many games the Phins would win with you "MoneyShot" at the end lolol
     
  20. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    [​IMG]
     
  21. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    The best thing about that clip is that its really Van Damme.
     
    SICK likes this.
  22. Paul 13

    Paul 13 Chaotic Neutral & Unstable Genius Staff Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  23. CaribPhin

    CaribPhin Guest

    What ribs joint did you post this from?
     
  24. Killer B's

    Killer B's Junior Member

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    So true. Kung Fu Theater, Sundays at noon, morning after a bender, 1985.
     
  25. HardKoreXXX

    HardKoreXXX Insensitive to the Touch

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    Remember that time I guest-wrote a Manifesto? Seriously, does anyone remember it because I was drinking pretty heavily back then
     
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  26. Bpk

    Bpk Premium Member Luxury Box

    A buddy of mine was in a Tigerclaw sequel. Fought Bolo Yeung
     
  27. bigbry

    bigbry Huge Member

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    I dont remember you...
     
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  28. Two Tacos

    Two Tacos Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Big E and Samphin like this.
  29. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

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    Not sure if calling me black..or fat......
     
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  30. Pandarilla

    Pandarilla Purist Emeritus

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    ...and Adam said to God, "I got more ribs, you got more broads?" - Red Skelton
     

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