Deadspin Article: Why Your Team Sucks 2013: Miami Dolphins

Thanks for the laughs...Great stuff.

 

Don't see why a man would troll hisself though. Troll others....maybe....but troll yourself? That's just sadistic.

 

Just had to crap on Ray Finkle

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Yessir - Attleast we're not Lions fans.

 

My favorites:
Please note that the Dolphins have changed their uniforms this season. They now look like a team from a videogame that forgot to secure licensing rights from NFL Properties. It's South Florida versus Boston in the Big Game, only on Sega Pro Football!

Not since Albert Haynesworth has the entire world seen a free agent bust coming from so far away. I expect Wallace to order a pizza on the field by Week 4.

Ross will now have his revenge on Miami by slashing expenditures, threatening to move, and hiring Pitbull to perform at EVERY halftime.

1. Nick Saban. The Dolphins head coaching history post-Jimmy looks like face-eating incident on an I-95 offramp. So it's saying a lot that Saban represents rock bottom for that group.

The Dolphins don't know how to acquire players. They draft ****ty and they trade worse. They've never gotten the better of a deal. Ever. Not in my lifetime. They traded a second round pick for AJ Feeley. **** AJ Feeley. Hellen Keller would've been more accurate and probably had a better arm. They traded for Brandon Marshall, then traded him away when he got in trouble, then signed CHAD ****ING OCHOJOHNSON. That's like trading a headache for a ****ing brain tumor. Don't even get me started on what a narcissistic piece of wife beating trash that guy was. Watching him get fired on HBO was the best Dolphins football I saw all last season.

 

Pretty funny.

As I scrolled down the comments, more and more f-bombs kept dropping. It was like I was watching District 9 all over again.

And as a Dolphins fan AND an Auburn fan, the "**** Nick Saban!" is the gift that keeps on giving... of course, he keeps winning national championships, so there is that bit of injustice that keeps on lurking in this world.

 

This had me rolling.

 

I feel the same way.

 

The uniform quote, oh god the uniform quote ... amazing!

The **** list of QBs was funny for about the first 4, then it just got depressing.

The other team's ones were gold too.

 

Funny stuff! Great way to start the day.

 

The Jets version is up: http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2013-new-york-jets-1226662134

It's glorious. I want to pick my favorite parts, but its just so difficult since they all made me laugh.

When I get to the car however, I see my dad has a scowl still on his face. When I ask him why he isn't excited he gives the most Jets-fan response one can give. "It doesn't matter that they won this game, they should have ****ing lost. And if we should have ****ing lost this game, somehow the universe will find a way to bust our balls even worse this season. So **** this win, it'll just haunt us later. And now were gonna sit in an hour's worth of traffic because you wanted to watch that ****ty team." - There was more to the long story, which is just as great.

Our fans. There are no worse people to be near at a sporting event than Jets fans. They are beyond trash. They are racist, coked-up losers, power drinking in the lot to blind themselves to the fact that they are bigger losers than the franchise they root for.

Being a Jets fan is like declaring that Rob Schneider is your favorite actor.

The Jets have included a handbook in this year's season tickets packages giving the fans instructions on how to perform the Jets chant. It's four letters!

I was at the buttfumble game, and right before halftime the NBC halftime crew started setting up on the field, behind the Jets sideline. ****ing Rodney Harrison, the "objective" commentator, starts trash talking all the Jets fans and pointing to the scoreboard. He was looking for a fight, but we all just nodded in agreement. Yeah, we suck Rodney. We know. Now keep on pretending you didn't play for a team of ****ing cheaters. -An expert dig at both the Jets AND Patriots. Best. Jets Fan. Ever.

Jets fans are the most miserable ****ing people on the planet. Go to a Giants game. You'll see a packed stadium full of generally upbeat people that cheer their team, root against the opposition, and stay positive about the outlook of the franchise. Now go to a Jets game. The upper deck will be half empty. The fans that are present will be insanely intoxicated and screaming vulgarities at the opposition, the Jets, each other, and any other living organism that enters their field of vision. I have often wondered if Jets fans actually want to see the Jets win a Super Bowl. They wouldn't know what to do with themselves.

 

I will say there is only two reasons that we will suck and that is Sherman and Ireland everyone else is not that big of a deal.

 

Why your team doesn't suck: Everything is so convinced that they're gonna suck that maybe, just maybe, they WON'T suck. The NFL works like that sometimes, right? Well, I mean, it works that way for teams that aren't the Jets.
The 17 worst Jets ever:
1) Rich Kotite. They made him coach and GM. Never forget.
2) Vernon Gholston
3) Neil O'Donnell. O'Donnell, Kellen Clemens, Rick Mirer, and Quincy Carter (!!!!) have all started games for the Jets. That is a rough foursome. Keep in mind that Sanchez has been WAY more productive than any of those men.
4) Dewayne Robertson. He can't miss! CAN'T MISS DINNER, THAT IS! ***RIMSHOT***
5) Scott Frost
6) Keyshawn Johnson/Alex Van Dyke. Drafted together. Never ever draft wideouts in the first two rounds.
8) Bubby Brister
9) Travolta
10) Ryan Yarborough
11) Marvin Jones
12) Browning Nagle. The Nagler!
13) Blair Thomas
14) Glenn Foley
15) Lou Holtz
16) Justin McCareins. I swear he was a fantasy sleeper once. That's how stupid fantasy football will make you.
17) Sam Cowart