I figured a lot of us root for rival colleges so I thought a light-hearted thread would be nice. And to start off with a few USC jokes: Q:What do USC and UCLA students have in common? A: They both got in to USC, but only one got into UCLA Members of the USC football team were placed in a remedial English class. “Because we are all new on campus, we are going to start with the basics,” the professor explained. “Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?” One of the players raised his hand and shouted “The appeal!” to the approving nods of his teammates. Q: What does a Trojan and a bottle of beer have in common? A: They’re both empty from the neck up. Q:If you have a car containing a Trojan wide receiver, a Trojan linebacker, and a Trojan defensive back, who is driving the car? A: A cop. Q: Why do USC graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror? A: To justify their handicapped parking. Q: Why can't USC hold a Christmas pageant? A: They can't find three wise men and a virgin. Q: What does the average USC player get on his SAT’s? A: Drool. Q: How do you get a USC graduate off your porch? A: Pay him for the pizza And one I found on the U. of Kentucky: A University of Kentucky football player was almost killed in a tragic horseback-riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Thank heavens, the manager of the K-Mart came out and unplugged it.
Got this one in an e-mail today (could be an old one, I dunno) - sort of an SEC joke, but also touches on a past Dolphins coach: God asks Mark Richt first: "What do you believe?" Mark thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, and says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving. I was lucky, but I always tried to do right by my team." God can't help but see the essential goodness of Richt, and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Tommy Tubberville and says, "What do you believe?" Tommy says, "I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I, too, have been lucky, but win or lose, I've always tried to be a true sportsman, both on and off the playing fields." God is greatly moved by Tommy's sincere eloquence, and he offers him a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Nick Saban: "And you, Nick, what do you believe?" Nick replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
(Keep in mind, this is not aimed at informed, friendly UCF Fans. Just the ones that like belittle FAU accomplisments. None of them are on this board, thank goodness). An FAU fan and a UCF fan were watching a re-run of the 2007 New Orleans Bowl. The UCF fan then started to snicker. "I don't see the big deal! FAU only got into a bowl game because they beat weak Sun Belt teams!" The FAU fan stayed silent. "I mean, come on! The Sun Belt! WHat have they done lately?! And they are not even beating beating the best team in the C-USA! Memphis? Please!" Then the Burger King commercial came on. The one that shows the cow busting man for eating a chicken sandwich. "Man," the UCF commented. "A cow getting angry at a man for not eating beef. How ironic." "Yeah," the FAU fan finally said. "Kinda like a football team calling themselves the Golden Knights and never winning championship of any kind."
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard. At GEORGIA : it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions. At FLORIDA : it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one. At ALABAMA : it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator. At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion. At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five Semester hours. At KENTUCKY : it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season. At TENNESSEE : it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama . At MISSISSIPPI STATE : it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, 'GO TO HELL, OLE MISS'. At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished. At SOUTH CAROLINA : it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team. At ARKANSAS : None. There ain't no 'lectricity in Arkansas
Q: Why do Tennessee fans wear orange all weekend? A: Because they can wear it huntin' on Friday, to Neyland Stadium on Saturday, and to pick up trash by the side of the road on Sunday. What's the definition of mass confusion? Father's day in College Station. A man walks into a store and says, "I would like a orange hat, blue pants, green sweater, and white shoes." The clerk says, "Are you a Gator fan?" "Yes," replies the man, "How did you guess--by the color combination?" "No," answers the clerk, "because this is a hardware store." What does the average Florida State player get on his SAT’s? Drool. How do you get a Nebraska cheerleader into your doom room? Grease her hips and push. What do you call a genius sitting in the Arkansas student section? Visitor.
We had a thread going at the other place. I'll bring over a few. The first couple I posted. Why does the St. John's river flow north (most rivers in the northern hemisphere flow south btw)? Because Georgia sucks. How do you get a FSU graduate off of your porch? Pay him for the pizza How can you tell if an Alabama student has a girlfriend? There's tobacco spit stains on both sides of the pick-up.
Here's a few from other posters: How do you stop a bulldog from *********ing....paint his **** orange and blue and it won't be able to beat it for 13 years. Whats the difference between a cow and a Bama cheerleader? 50lbs and a mustache A Pittsburgh graduate, a Ohio State graduate, and a Penn State graduate are all using urinals in the mens rooms. The Pitt graduate finishes, goes over and washes his hands very well using lots of soap and water, and says "at Pitt, they teach us to be clean". The Ohio State graduate finishes peeing, and washes his hands with a very small amount of soap and water and says "at Ohio State they teach us how conserve resources". The Penn State graduate finishes and walks right towards the door. On his way out he says "At Penn State they teach us not to piss on our hands". [FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif][FONT=arial,helvetica,sans-serif]A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Auburn joke. The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm an Auburn fan. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's an Auburn fan, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's an Auburn fan, too! Now, do you still want to tell your Auburn joke?" The guy says, "Nah." To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are you chicken?" The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times. [/FONT][/FONT]Why can't the Hurricanes player get into a huddle on the field anymore? It's a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.
