I thought it would be fun to have a thread for the best of craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/chi/652643356.html http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/764637155.html
Bike for sale What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick *** spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "**** YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME". The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy **** so I said no way. The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad *** you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad *** in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a ****less lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating. The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some s*** and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your *** or anything. I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total: Gear 1 - Sissy Gear Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear Gear 4 - Boy Gear Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear Gear 6 - Manly Gear Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest. Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't **** around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey *******, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four". Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices)
I kinda like this one. Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend Date: 2008-05-07, 2:49PM PDT I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis. British accent preferred. * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests * Compensation: $350 up front PostingID: 672031640
Ferocious Attack Kitten -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2008-06-02, 7:10PM CDT Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him. This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following: * insects * other trained attack kittens * babies * toilet paper * anything under a blanket * unwanted house guests * paper bags * floor rugs * Chuck Norris * Feet. Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide. Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you'll figure that out really fast. Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it. Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens... please be prepared to show scars. For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.
this makes me proud to live in Pittsburgh To my neighbor who I saw pooping in his yard yesterday - w4m Date : 2008-06-05, 2:52PM EDT I saw you couched down with your pants around your ankles. I asked "Hey, what are you doing?". Your reply was "Pooping in a groundhog hole! I read about it online. It's suppose to trick the groundhog into thinking another animal has moved into it's lair.". Since you are normally a sane person I refrained from calling the police. * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Date: 2008-05-08, 10:33AM AKDT I have a dead moose free for the taking. It died yesterday, apparently of natural causes. I called Fish & Game to come and get it. Apparently, moose are a natural resource and belong to everybody, until they die, then they belong to whoevers property they die on. So, according to Fish & Game, the moose now belongs to me. Sweet!! So, if you want a free moose, please come and get it before the bears do. You could use it for dog food, or stuff it and put it your front yard, bear bait, whatever. If you live in the lower 48, this might be your best opportunity to get a free Alaska moose. I dont really care, I just want it out of my yard. Please reply via email, I dont need all the animal rights folks calling me, its dead, and according to Fish & Game, its got no more rights... Location: Anchorage it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2008-05-07, 2:49PM PDT I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis. British accent preferred. it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests Compensation: $350 up front PostingID: 672031640
LOL! to the girli picked up last night.. to the girli picked up last night.. (beach) Reply to: pers-821005991@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2008-08-31, 10:45AM PDT well today i went in to my car and in the back seats there was blood. now im sure ur not a virgin anymore so i doubt i popped a cherry next time if ur in the rag just tell me now i have to get this **** clean n to top it off the ***** wasnt even that good ohh yea n u also left ur left shoe and ur purse but i didnt get ur number well i guess i'll just use the 60 dollars u left in ur purse to clean my car
Kidney for 2 Obama tickets Are you in need of an extra kidney? Know of someone who needs one? I have 2 good kidneys which is a little excessive. Ill give you one of them for two tickets to tonight's speech. I live in Denver and tried to get tickets the minute they were announced. Somehow the first come first serve registration did not work since I was put on the waitlist. So, I need two tickets for me and my girlfriend. I have an extra kidney. You take said organ, I take 2 tickets for this historic speech.
I found this today.. Surely i am not the only person who is dismayed and distured by those air raid sirens on wheels....... There are 1 or 2 specific individuals who have a regular 'loop', and daily times, are the worst....one can literally hear them approaching a good 2-3 miles off, then as they pass by, , and involuntarily follow their progress for a couple miles as they go away. Aside from the sheer anti-social noise of it all , it's the defienent attitute towards everyone else that is being expressed by the riders. There have to be boundaries in society that people cannot be allowed to cross, for the greater good of all. While i am a non-violent person myself,-not everyone one else is- and i would not be surprised if some day soon we hear about someone in another vehicle, after many repititions of the scotters passing them, decides to shoot the rider. Shall we allow it to go that far before the city goverment passes some sort of noise ordinance? -to be enfored [seriously] by the local police departments? And i dont mean giving them a 25.00 fine over and over. But locking them up for ,say,30 days for each violation, along with stiff fines, and the removal of the offending scotter. -which should be destroyed. What think???
One of my favorite posts: Survival Of The Fittest Date: 2007-08-30, 2:03PM EDT Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one. * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 409930561
Hopefully Sick will find this funny. Ok here's the intiial rant, not very funny..... Here is a response to this rant..... And another one...
An Open Letter From Your Local Adult Store Clerk -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Date: 2008-10-13, 10:17AM EDT Dear Adult Store Shoppers, Maybe you want to buy some pornography or maybe you'd like to purchase some condoms, lube, lingerie, toys, games or whatever other merchandise we carry. That's great, and I hope you find what you want in the store, but please, avoid these pitfalls and be a good customer. 1. If you are a needy as hell customer who asks me to check movies before you rent or buy them to make sure you will like them, I will secretly hate you. All of our movies have people ******* in them. Usually 2 or more people! This much you should know. Now do the following: Look at the box cover. Is it appealing to you? No? Stop, put the movie away and pick up another and try again. Yes? Good! Now, turn over the box. Do you see those other pictures? If none of those appeal to you, don't rent the movie. If they appeal to you, rent it, take it home, wank to it, be happy. If it's not to your liking, shut the **** up and rent another movie. I really don't care if it wasn't appropriate wanking material up to your fine and high pornography standards. This isn't a restaurant where you can send something back if you don't like it – it's a porn store. 2. If you return movies that you rented with unidentified substances on them, you are a nasty ************ who should get hit by a bus. I get paid $9.00/hour, which is not enough to clean up your spunk. Wash your hands before you take the DVD out of the player, you nasty *** sob. After you return that nasty **** covered movie, I will curse you loudly, put on 2 pairs of latex gloves, use copious amounts of cleaning supplies and then put a nasty note in your account about how you are a nasty ahole who can't return a movie the way we gave it to you - clean and DNA free. Then, everyone who works in the store knows what a nasty person you are. So for the love of Christ, wash your nasty hands and have some respect for the people who work here. 3. If you and your partner come into my store and you want to buy some lingerie, that is great. It's even nice if your husband/boyfriend/John/whatever wants to help you into the lingerie as some of the stuff we sell is hard to get on by yourself. But seriously, don't **** in my dressing room. That is nasty and gross. Take your lingerie, try it on, buy it if you like it, take it home and **** there. I wouldn't come into your place of work and **** on your desk, so don't have sex here in my store. Don't try to be sneaky about it either. If I notice you've been in the dressing room for more than a few minutes, I'm going to come by and knock on the door to see if everything is okay. And if I hear moaning and grunting, I'm going to call the police. 4. Please treat our merchandise with some respect. In any other store would you open up boxes, rip off labels, or throw things around? I doubt it. Also, my store is not a club or a party. I know we are open late, so maybe you really do think this is a club, but I swear it's not. It's a store. We're here to sell things and make money. The things we sell are fun and great, sure, but this is not a place for you and all of your friends to come in and laugh and scream and point (and destroy merchandise, as mentioned above) for 2 hours and then leave without purchasing anything. 5. Don't hit on me or any of my coworkers. That is desperate and gross. Also, you're standing at my counter with 2 tranny movies, some desensitizing spray and a pair of panties. Do you really think this situation lends itself to me agreeing to go out with you? Nope, didn't think so. Also, don't stare at me or my coworkers like we're pieces of meat. Don't ask us inappropriate questions either. No, I won't demonstrate how the toys are used. I also won't tell you what it is I like in bed. And seriously, if you ask me to model lingerie one more time, I'm going to kick you out. 6. Additionally, just because I work at an adult store does not make me uneducated, a freak, a stripper, a prostitute or desperate. I am college educated (and currently in graduate school), well read and a pretty normal person with friends, family, a dog, hobbies, etc. I took this job for a variety of reasons, none of which I have to explain to you. 7. If I ask for your ID, don't give me grief. Take it as a compliment – I'm saying that you look youthful and fresh. I can get in trouble and lose my job for letting someone under 18 into the store. Don't ***** about how you don't have your ID (I have to ask you to leave, sorry) or how you have to go out to your car and walk the terrible 30 feet to get it or ask me how old I think you are. You look like you could be under 18. Show me your ID and I'll leave you alone. If all of your friends show me their ID but you “don't have yours,” I'm going to have to ask you to go outside. Just because all of your friends are 18+ does not mean you are. I know it's a bummer, but it's the rule. 8. And finally, if you are someone who brings your child into the store, you fail at parenting and at life. Thanks, and have a great day. Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 877200282
This is long but it's funny as hell. What am I doing wrong? Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York. I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all. Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level? Here are my questions specifically: - Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms -What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings -Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)? - Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there? - Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out? - How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth. it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests PostingID: 432279810 THE ANSWER Dear Pers-431649184: I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful! So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage. Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout. By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump." I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.
