A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie. The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this. The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now". So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill on his *****. So, he tells the man that he really needs to know the reason why and says that the man can keep the $1000 he would have paid for the tattoo if he would just tell the reason for putting a $100 bill on his willie. So, the man consents and offers these three reasons: "First, I like to play with my money. Second, I like to watch my money grow. And third, and most importantly, the next time my wife wants to blow $100, she can stay home to do it!
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one.' Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor .... . . But it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla.'Harder' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!' 'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried. Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.' In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said 'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!' Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter' At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!'
Bobby walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, Sara, "Umm... err, I've never purchased condoms before, and I don't know what size to buy." "That's okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back." Sara Says. So Bobby walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his ***** in the first hole, Sara sneaks over to the other side of the fence. Bobby sticks his ***** through the first hole where it is gently caressed by Sara. Then he pulls it out and sticks it through the second hole where Sara begins to suck his ***** and give him a blow job. Then, finally, Bobby pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. Sara takes her vagina, wraps it around his *****, and begins to hump it. Sara quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where Bobby is beginning to stumble back in. Sara starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?" "Screw the condoms! says Bobby. Just give me 3 yards of that fence!"
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Eddie, I''m here to pick up Betty. We''re going for spaghetti, is she ready?'''' "No," the farmer said. The second beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Joe, I''m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?'''' "No." The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''''Hello, my name is Chuck.'''' The farmer shot Chuck.
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was just so cold and raining that he decided to return back to his house. He entered, went to his bedroom, undressed and slipped into bed beside his wife. "God this is terrible weather today, honey." he said. "Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"
A Guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition" The man says "What's that?" St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word. Next thing you know, his wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there? She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven. She asks "What's that?" He says "Spell Czechoslovakia"
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.' Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 12. Where will you two live?' Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.' Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.' Again, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.' Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?' Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.' Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh!t is adorable.
Rob ended up with a woman at a local bar last night. Rob thought she looked pretty good for a 60 year old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all. Rob found himself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a bit and then she asked Rob, 'Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?' 'What's that?' Rob asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. Rob wondered what this daughter of hers might look like and his mind began to embrace the idea. Rob said, 'No he haven't had a mother and daughter threesome.' They drank a bit more and then she says with a wink, 'Tonight is your lucky night.' Rob drove her to her place. Rob walked in, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, 'Mom! You still awake?'
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought hundreds at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. At this point the man announced that he would now buy at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so limited that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on his behalf for him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 each and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.
Rural pub A woman went up up the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't", breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
>Men are just happier people-what do you expect from such simple creatures? > > > >Your last name stays put. > >The garage is all yours. > >Wedding plans take care of themselves. > >Chocolate is just another snack. > >You can be President. > >You can never be pregnant. > >You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. > >You can wear NO shirt to a water park. > >Car mechanics tell you the truth. > >The world is your urinal. > >You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is >just >too icky. > >You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. > >Same work, more pay. > >Wrinkles add character. > >Wedding dress $5000 - Tux rental $100. > >People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. > >New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. > >One mood all the time. > > > >Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. > >You know stuff about tanks. > >A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. > >You can open all your own jars. > &g t;You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. > >If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. > > > >Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. > >Three pairs of shoes are more that enough. > >You almost never have strap problems in public. > >You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. > >Everything on your face stays its original color. > >The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. > >You only have to shave your face and neck. > > > >You can play with toys all your life. > >One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. > >You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. > >You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. > >You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. > > > >You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 >minutes. > > > >No wonder men are happier.
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives. "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'.
CAKE OR BED A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.' HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'General Electric' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT' TO WHICH HE REPLIED, 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!' 'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK' 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!' SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................ HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?' SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.' HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?' SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'Betty Crocker' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50 birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. " "Nope! I'm exactly 50, the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29. " The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50. " Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30. " Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 years old and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are. " They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead. " He slips both of his hand under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50. " Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't" she says. "I was standing behind you at McDonalds."
One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses. When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much-loved cardiologist. Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?" "I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a gynecologist."
Why I fired my secretary... Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember. My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner. ” After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake… Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”. And I just sat there… On the couch… Naked.
An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped, and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young, attractive women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all quickly went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old men can still think fast
This guy goes into a bar and orders two shots. He drinks one and pours the other on his hand. He then orders two more and does the same, drinks one and pours the other on his hand. After the third time, the bartender asks him what he's doing. The guy says, "I'm trying to get my date drunk."
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."
holy prostitutes A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES. Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT. His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER
The Day the ***** asked for a Raise I, the *****, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: I do physical labor. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatur es. My work exposes me to contagious diseases. Sincerely, P. Niss The ResponseDear *****: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods. You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You don't always observe necessary safet y regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags. Sincerely, V. Gina
another good reason for a raise is, the ***** is forced to go places it was never meant for it to go!
A man was admitted into the hospital and quickly showed himself to be a jerk by verbally abusing the nursing staff. One morning, the head nurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back." She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns Dear Abe, I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Sheila Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps, Abe You Saved Who? In Virginia a helicopter was cruising fast at tree top level when the engine quit, too low to auto-rotate, the helicopter plunged into a small lake where three boys happened to be fishing. The boys who were at the lake saw the whole thing happen. They swam to the site of the crash, looked in the wreckage and saw that the pilot and copilot were both dead. The lone passenger was unconscious and barely alive. They pulled him out, took him to shore, and gave him artificial respiration - saving his life. Within a few minutes there were several helicopters circling the area and one of them landed. A guy got out who seemed to be in charge and came up to the boys, he congratulated them for saving President Clinton! "Boys," said the man, " you just saved the leader of our country! You each deserve a reward. You name it, and I'll give it to you." The first boy said, "I really want a pair of Nike Air Jordan's." The man replied, "Michael Jordan is a close personal friend of mine. I'll get everyone in your family 10 pairs of Nike's each. The second boy said, "I'd like to go to Disneyland." The man said, "I know Michael Eisner very well. I'll see that your entire family has an all expense paid trip to Disneyland. The man turns to the third boy and asked what he would like. The boy answered saying, "I'd like a mahogany wood coffin, bagpipe music and a fly over by the Thunderbirds at my funeral service." "Funeral service?" asked the puzzled man. "What in the world are you talking about?" The kid replied "When my father finds out who I saved he's going to kill me!" Two widowed senior citizens ladies were discussing their sex lives and the first lady said that she had not had any since her husband had died 5 years ago. The second lady said she gets all the free young sex she wants. Well this got the first ladies attention right now and she wanted to know how she managed that. The second lady told her that when she went to buy groceries that she parked as far from the entrance of the store as possible and as the young carry out boy carried her groceries to her car that she just let him know in a very subtle way that she was available. Well the first lady was very hesitant about doing that. But one day she was feeling very horny and decided, what the heck, she was going to give it a try. She went to the grocery store and parked as far from the entrance as possible and bought a BIG bunch of groceries, a lot of things she didn't even need! As the young carry out boy was carrying her groceries to the car she kind of rubbed up against him and whispered in a very nervous, low, loving and tender voice that she has an itchy *****. He turns to her and said, "Lady, all of these foreign cars look alike to me. You're just going to have to point it out." Trick or Treating by Your Sign Aries pushes the others aside to get to the door first. Taurus will only eat the finest of Swiss chocolates. Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again. Cancer stays at home and gives candy to the other trick-or- treaters. Leo plans their costume for months, then won't go out because someone else had the same idea. Virgo wears a neatly-pressed suit and tells everyone they're a bookkeeper. Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume. Scorpio isn't in it for the candy. Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town. Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal route to take. Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts. Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon. A Cabbie and a Nun on Halloween A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver becomes very excited and says , "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!!!" "OK", the nun say's, "Pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?" He sobs, "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.
A cab driver picks up a Nun She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.' She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.' 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.' She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!' 'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?' 'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.' The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party
Police Report from Seattle In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night. On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview. He went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Aylor. 'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said..... 'A pumpkin? ..... ****...is it midnight already?'
George was trying to convince his buddy Rick that the new hooker in town was better than any of her predecessors. "I tell you, Rick, this girl is as good as my own wife." "That so?" Rick asked. "All right. Let's go over there." So they went to see the Jenny-come-lately, and Rick paid her for a visit. On the way out Rick was asked for his opinion. "Well," he said, "she's good, all right, but not as good as your wife."
