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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. Fin Fan In Cali

    Fin Fan In Cali Dolphin fan since 1970 Luxury Box

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    FIRST TIME SEX ............

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents. The girl then announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
    The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
    10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

    Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'


     
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  2. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    One night this guy and his date were about to go into his apartment, but
    before he could open his door she said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a
    man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
    The guy says, "Well, give me some examples."
    The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, "Well the first way is, if a guy
    shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he
    is a rough lover and that isn't for me.
    The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the
    hole then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
    "Very interesting," said the guy.
    Then she asked, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
    He then proceeded to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick
    the lock."
     
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  3. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks
    into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
    He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
    While tying the home-owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
    kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there,
    the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.
    Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen
    a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,
    don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
    nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll
    kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!
    His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck - he was whispering in my ear. He
    told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I
    told him it was in the bathroom." Be strong. I love you, too!
     
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  4. CalphinsDaughter

    CalphinsDaughter New Member

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    California
    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

    Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
     
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  5. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    hree Jet fans and three Dolphin fans are traveling by train to a
    game. At the station, the three Jet fans each buy tickets
    and watch as the three Dolphin fans buy only a single ticket.
    "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked
    one of the three Jet fans.
    "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Dolphin fans.
    They all board the train. The Jet fans take their respective seats
    but all three Dolphin fans cram into a restroom and close the door
    behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
    comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door
    and says, "Ticket, please."
    The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a
    ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
    The Jet fans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So
    after the game, the three Jet fans decide to copy the three Dolphin fans on
    the return trip and save some money.
    When they get to the station, the Jet fans buy a single ticket for
    the return trip. To their astonishment, the Dolphin fans don't buy a
    ticket at all.
    "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one
    perplexed Jet fan.
    "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Dolphin fans.
    When they board the train the three Dolphin fans cram into a
    restroom and the three Jet fans cram into another one nearby. The
    train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Dolphin fans leaves his
    restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Jet fans are
    hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
    "Ticket, please."
     
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  6. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Students in an Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last
    question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk, worth 70 points or
    none at all. One student , in particular, was hard put to think of seven
    advantages.
    He wrote:
    1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
    2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
    3.) It is always the right temperature.
    4.) It is inexpensive.
    5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
    6.) It is always available as needed.
    And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
    bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
    7.) It comes in cute containers.
    He got an A!
     
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  7. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    An elderly Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin, orders
    three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the
    room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
    finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders
    three more.

    The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat
    after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought
    one at a time."

    The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two
    brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia,
    and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we
    promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
    when we all drank together."

    The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and
    leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the
    bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three
    pints and drinks them in turn.

    One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the
    other regulars notice and fall silent.

    When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
    the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your
    grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
    great loss."

    The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a
    light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he,
    says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
     
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  8. PMZQ

    PMZQ Banned

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    Nov 24, 2007
    Miami, FL
    One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

    "I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

    The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

    "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
     
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  9. PMZQ

    PMZQ Banned

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    Nov 24, 2007
    Miami, FL
    A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

    One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

    The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

    "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

    "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

    The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

    About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"

    "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
     
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  10. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old buddy Johnny,
    "How come you aren't married?"
    Johnny: "I haven't found the right woman yet."
    George: "So what are you looking for?"
    Johnny: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, - a good cook and house-keeper,
    and she's got to know how to handle money, a really nice and pleasant
    personality is a must -and money, she's got to have money...and a home,
    a nice big house, is what she has to have."
    George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU."
    Johnny: "Oh, it's okay if she is crazy."
     
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  11. PMZQ

    PMZQ Banned

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    Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

    She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-sef a son! Ain't dat grand!"

    Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got you-sef a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."

    Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-sef another boy!"

    When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?"

    His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

    Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-Forty."
     
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  12. PMZQ

    PMZQ Banned

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    Nov 24, 2007
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    Dear Mrs. Murray,
    > Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us,
    > unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offences over
    > the
    > past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
    >
    >
    > MEMO
    >
    > Complaints
    >
    > 15 Things Mr. Wayne Murry has done while his spouse is shopping:
    >
    > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
    > people's carts when they weren't looking.
    >
    > 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
    > 5-minute intervals.
    >
    > 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
    > tampons section.
    >
    > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
    > tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.
    >
    > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of
    > M&M's On lay-by.
    >
    > 6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
    > area.
    >
    > 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
    > the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the
    > bedding department.
    >
    > 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins
    > to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
    >
    > 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
    > mirror and picked his nose.
    >
    > 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department
    > asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
    >
    > 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly
    > humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
    >
    > 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna
    > look" using different size funnels.
    >
    > 13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse
    > through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
    >
    > 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker
    > he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those
    > voices again!!!
    >
    > And; last, but not least!
    >
    > 15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
    > while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in
    > here!"
     
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  13. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

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    An elderly woman walked into a bank in Manhattan one morning with a purse full of money. She said wanted to open a savings account and when the teller asked her how much she wanted to deposit, she placed her purse on his desk and replied "$165,000!"

    It so happened that Donald Trump was standing behind her on line and said to her, "Excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. How did you manage to save so much money?".

    The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

    Trump was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The woman replied,"Well, I'll bet you $165,000 that your testicles are square."

    Trump started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at Trump and said,"Are you gonna take my bet or no?"

    "Hey, if you're so eager to lose all your money", replied the Donald. "I bet you $165,000 that my testicles are not square."

    "Done", the woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning and meet you in the bank president's office so he can be a witness."

    "No problem", said Trump confidently.

    That night, for some reason, Trump became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

    The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the woman arrived at the bank president's office and acknowledged the bet to Trump with him. Trump confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

    Then the woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and the bank president could see clearly. Trump, hesitant at first, finally obliged.

    The woman came closer so she could see better and asked Trump if she could touch them to make sure.

    "Of course", said Trump. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

    The woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly Trump noticed that the bank president was banging his head against the wall. He asked the woman why he was doing that and she replied,

    "Oh, it's probably because yesterday I bet him $1,000,000 that 10 o'clock this morning I would have Donald Trump by the balls"
     
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  14. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's
    Morals kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
    members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to
    maintain their silence.
    She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new church
    member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in
    front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George
    (and several others) that everyone who saw it parked there would know
    exactly what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for
    a moment and then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain,
    defend, or deny... He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly
    parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... Walked home.. And left
    it there all night.
    You Gotta love George.
     
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  15. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    Charlotte NC
    heard a funny joke on the radio this morning.....

    womens rights.............
     
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  16. PMZQ

    PMZQ Banned

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    Miami, FL
    The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other
    > party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.
    >
    > The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election
    > campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.
    >
    > For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the
    > men
    > who defeated her; Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose
    > hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in
    > their
    > fields to assist them.
    >
    > Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt;
    > Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening; and
    > Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.
    >
    > What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!
     
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  17. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

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    Bloomington, IN.
    One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

    I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

    Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
    one of my favorite toys.

    Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
    brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
    cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

    My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
    tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
    enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
    watches him drink it up.

    Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)

    'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water
    is the toilet?
     
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  18. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

    One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

    Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
     
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  19. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

    She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

    Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

    Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

    The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

    To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

    On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

    Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"
     
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  20. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

    "No," says his mom, "Of course not."

    After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"
     
  21. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?"

    His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."

    A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?"

    His father says, "I'm playing cards."

    "Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.

    His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."
     
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  22. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

    Johnny's father says, "We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won't be a $200 bike this year."

    Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he's leaving.

    Johnny says, "Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"
     
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  23. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

    Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

    Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

    Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
     
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  24. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

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    Nov 29, 2007
    Bloomington, IN.
    Skinny Dipping...

    An elderly man in Indiana had owned a large farm for several Years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed it up nice with picnic
    tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a Five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with Glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women Skinny-dipping in his pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

    The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

    Some old men can still think fast.
     
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  25. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other
    day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day,
    he brought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss!"
    He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when
    he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped
    a note to the sign that said, "Your wife called, and she
    wants her sign back!"
     
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  26. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Snake River Plain
    The only cow in a small town near Newcastle stopped giving milk.
    The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow in
    Lithgow for $200. They brought the cow from Lithgow and the cow was
    wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were
    very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to
    produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their
    beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the
    cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the
    cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his
    quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was
    very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever
    the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
    If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
    When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
    An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
    The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance,
    buy this cow in Newcastle?" The people were dumbfounded, since no
    one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a
    wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Newcastle?"
    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Newcastle"
     
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  27. GISH

    GISH ~mUST wARN oTHERS~

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Over Yonder
    Nascar joke: How did Matt Kenseth get his name?

    His momma wasn't sure which of his 3 uncles was the father. So she named him after all 3. Matt, Ken, and Seth.
     
  28. RGF

    RGF THE FINSTER Club Member

    6,066
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    Nov 24, 2007
    NY

    :pity: I knew I should have slept later today.
     
    Big E likes this.
  29. joeydolfan

    joeydolfan Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    5,312
    2,894
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    Apr 26, 2008
    Ft. Worth
    *Wild Sex**



    A married couple walked in to a Jamaican sandal shop.



    The proprietor said to them, 'I have some20special sandals I think

    you would be interested in.



    Dey make you wild at sex.'



    Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals

    after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really

    didn't need them, being the sex god he was.



    The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you

    into a sex freak?'

    =C
    2

    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'



    So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,

    finally gave in, and tried them on.



    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild

    look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many

    years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the

    Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his

    pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of

    the Jamaican's hips.



    The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet!'
     
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  30. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    After not having sex for years, a woman begins to get more and more upset so she decided to seek help from an oriental sex therapist.

    When she entered the examination room, Dr. Chan looked at her and said, "Take of your crows! Now 'get down on your hands and knees and craw velly, velly fast away from me to the other side of the room. Hokay, now turn aroun an craw velly, velly fast back to me."

    The woman did exactly as she was told and Dr Wang walked to his desk shaking his head.

    "Ah," said Dr Wang, "You have vey bad probrem. You are suffering from Ed Zachary disease! The worse case I have ever seen! That why you not have dates. That why you not have sex!"

    "But doctor," replied the woman, "What is Ed Zachary disease?"

    Dr Wang replied, "It's when your face rook Ed Zachary like your a$$
     
    gunn34 likes this.
  31. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,926
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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    This man wanted to have sex with a girl, in his office... but she
    belonged to someone else... One day the man got so frustrated that he
    went up to the girl and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex
    with you..." but the girl said, "NO." the man said, "I'll be fast, I'll
    throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by
    the time you pick it up." The girl thought for a moment and said that she
    would have to consult her husband,... so she called her husband and
    told him the story. the husband says ask him for $200 then pick up
    the money very fast... the man won't even be able to get his pants down.
    the girl agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and
    husband is waiting
    for his wife to call. Finally after 45
    minutes the husband calls and asks what happened... The wife said, "That
    bastard,, used quarters!"
     
  32. calphin

    calphin deadly at 250 yards!!

    > A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO and talks with an old farmer.
    >
    > He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.'
    >
    > The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'
    >
    > The Sheriif verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the
    > Sheriffs Department with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and
    > removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish..on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
    > Do you understand?'
    >
    > The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.
    >
    > Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Sheriff running for
    > his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.
    >
    > The old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....'Your badge! Show him your badge Smartass!
    >
     
  33. TokyoFishFan

    TokyoFishFan New Member

    1,294
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    Dec 11, 2007
    Tokyo!
    BLONDE PAINTER

    This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all
    these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.

    So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

    While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
    paint a couple of rooms in the house.

    The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
    the task at hand.

    Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
    paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
    floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka
    and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she
    is OK.

    She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies20that she
    wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she
    wanted to do it by painting the house.

    He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
    replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
    said...


    You'll love this .


    Yep... I know you will . .


























    'FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS'
     
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  34. TokyoFishFan

    TokyoFishFan New Member

    1,294
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    Dec 11, 2007
    Tokyo!
    The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

    The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

    'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'

    After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.

    'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

    The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

    After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS!

    Why did you do that??'

    'Because I don't want any of those b****es sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

    And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
    'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'
     
    opfinistic, GoPhins! and anlgp like this.
  35. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

    4,698
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    Nov 29, 2007
    Winter Garden, FL
    A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator. On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

    On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

    The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
     
    gunn34 and Idahophin like this.
  36. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

    31,885
    8,682
    113
    Nov 29, 2007
    Bloomington, IN.
    The Clever Leprechaun

    A guy has a few drinks at a bar, then heads to the rest room. While he’s doing his business, a very short man takes the urinal next to him and whips out a 10-inch johnson.

    “I’m sorry for staring,” says the guy, “but you’re huge.”

    “That’s because I’m a leprechaun,” says the short man. “All leprechauns are well-endowed.”

    “I’d do anything to have a ***** that size,” sighs the guy.

    “It just so happens that I can grant wishes,” says the leprechaun. “If you let me have sex with you in the bathroom stall, I’ll give you a bigger *****.”

    The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As they’re going at it, the man cries out, “I can’t believe I’m letting a leprechaun screw me!”

    “I can’t believe that you believe I’m a leprechaun!!
     
    gunn34, GoPhins!, Idahophin and 2 others like this.
  37. PMZQ

    PMZQ Banned

    11,575
    2,518
    0
    Nov 24, 2007
    Miami, FL
    An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning.

    It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
    He promptly called the local police station......
    The conversation went like this:
    'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?' 'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church.
    There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?'

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!' After a moment's silence Father O'Malley replied:
    'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'
     
    GoPhins! likes this.
  38. vmarcilfan75

    vmarcilfan75 blah...blah...blah... Club Member

    6,826
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    Dec 13, 2007
    City Of Angels
    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. 'What happened to you?' asks Sean , the bartender.' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy. 'That little O'Conner ,' says Sean , 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.' 'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.' 'Well,' says Sean , 'you should have defended yourself.
    Didn't you have something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy, ' Mrs.O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
     
    GoPhins! likes this.
  39. vmarcilfan75

    vmarcilfan75 blah...blah...blah... Club Member

    6,826
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    Dec 13, 2007
    City Of Angels
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
    'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
     
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  40. vmarcilfan75

    vmarcilfan75 blah...blah...blah... Club Member

    6,826
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    Dec 13, 2007
    City Of Angels
    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. ' Brenda , may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin'
    to tell ya'. 'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim .
    But where's my husband?' That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda . There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery' 'Oh, God no!'
    cries Brenda 'Please don't tell me.' 'I must, Brenda . Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry. Finally, she looked up at Tim ..
    'How did it happen, Tim ?' 'It was terrible, Brenda ... He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout , and drowned.' 'Oh my dear Jesus ! But you must tell me true, Tim , did he at least go quickly?' 'Well, Brenda , no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'
     
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