How would you deal with a spouse suffering from depression and other problems

tough luck bro. you yourself should go to counseling as well thats the only advice I would say you should def take. Might help you figure out some things and at least learn to deal with this all mentally.............
Good luck.

 

I feel for you man. Marriage is hard enough for any couple.
And it is VERY difficult for men to rationalize and communicate with women on a consistent basis. There is always misunderstanding, bickering, complaining, and in worst cases...fighting. Its a flawed system and the best we can do is understand the obstacles, identify them, and work around them.

Id try couples therapy together, and search for a way to get your wife the help she needs, and keep searching until you feel its futile. The right Dr may be out there. But they may not be. Maybe try some positive reinforcement books/cds. (tony robbins). cd's with positive sublimenal messages. perhaps yoga or transcendental meditation classes would help her intrinsically. even deep breathing or diet changes could help. eat more naturally. the body does effect the mind.

If you want children, you have a serious out, and reason to move on. give it your best, but do what you have to do. You seem like a very smart, self-aware person. I wish you the best.

 

Oh man I don't know what to tell you. You've gone to therapy she's gone to therapy.. you both have gone to therapy..

What's the difference in this "intense" therapy you've mentioned and "regular" therapy? maybe try that route? there's no guarantee like you said but you've gotta try. that's the whole 'better or for worse' thing.

you yourself know that underneath there is a great person who (almost definitely) wants to get out from underneath all that rage. i know you said you've gone to therapy already but in my head there seems to be some form of it you guys haven't tried yet (let me know if i'm wrong). you gotta go down all routes, turn over all rocks, all stones, etc.

my advice doesn't seem like much to me but that's what i'd do. if you really feel you need to divorce her i would only do it if i were you after i know i've tried everything to get her help. if you don't do everything you can you won't know for sure if there was something you could have done - and to me that's part of what marriage is all about.

 

i have to agree here, as difficult as this will be.

 

Brother can the doctor, specialist or a psychologist offer any medication to help balance the moods and the eating disorder? Any chance of hypnosis helping? Maybe your church pastor or priest could help as well. I really feel for you bro. Does she understand how her conditions have put a serious strain on the marriage? Like Brother Gap said I would try to exhaust all possible measures to work through this with your wife. Check into support groups in your area that could possibly help both you and your wife. Prayers, thoughts, and best wishes to you, and your wife. I hope this can be worked out with a happy ending.

 

You have the qualities of a person who values commitments, and that is such a positive ideal. However, your frustrations are understood--a rollercoaster is only fun if it's not your mature life. Since you referenced your heart, that leads me to believe that you truly love her. These are just comments from an unlicensed person, yet remember that her behavior is not under your control nor a reflection of you. There are countless stories of women who have overcome eating disorders and live productive, and happy, lives combating depression. I wouldn't dare guess her degree in either, yet I do know that help exists for her. Perhaps, since you've tried the therapy route, a support group might work, if for nothing else, a reference to a physician who can treat your wife in the manner which will benefit her. Note that I say her only because until she can stabilize herself, all else is secondary, IMO. Best wishes to you, and I admire your perseverance in this strife.

 

Bro,

I would tell her that she needs to choose to help herself (ultimately both of you since it's your relationship), Or, tell her that you need to choose to walk away.

In my experiences, people can only really change when they're 100% self-motivated to do so. You could be offering all the support and help in the world, but if she doesn't commit all the way to making a difference, it's not going to work.

Good luck, man.

 

Bro, i've been in the same kind of relationship in the past, though we didn't get married we did buy a house together. She had it hard growing up with her parents. She ended up having 11 of the 12 indicators of clinical depression. We went through a two week cycle. Think of a circle, the top point being one day of happiness, which means the 13 other points in that circle were days spent being miserable, on her way to being miserable, or slowly getting out of miserable. I'll bet you have a similar one in your relationship.

Like you, i searched for answers everywhere. I researched, went to counseling, etc, and what I learned was 2 things:

1. That kind of depression, is an actual chemical imbalance in the brain. The synapses are firing incorrectly. This cannot be corrected with counseling, love, guilt, arguing, pleading, or threats of leaving. Only medication effects it.

2. The depression is not her fault. She didn't ask for it. She didn't do anything to acquire it. It was the cards she was dealt, and for that deserves a little leeway. However, letting the problem continue is absolutely her fault. Depression is ugly, but it doesn't absolve anyone from responsibility. She must take meds.

Now, if you haven't tried medication yet, there will be an excuse to not take it. From side-effects to feeling weak for needing them, can be thrown your way. You must remain steadfast. If she starts taking them, they will cut out the lows, but the extreme highs as well. That's when you'll hear the I don't like the way they make me feel plea. Again, remain solid and focused. (That is where I didn't.) Do not expect her to keep taking the pills. Bring her one every night around the same time, and make a big deal about her. Give her back rub after she takes it, or bring her dinner, whatever. Condition response works with people too. Eventually, the overall feeling of "gray" will subside and she'll learn to be her again.

If you've already tried medication but stumbled along the way, try one more time, and if that doesn't work, you must move on. At that point, you'll have done all you can.

 

I feel VERY badly for you. I pursued a girl heavily and missed warning signs like these. We dated and lived together for 3 years. In the beginning I was incredibly dedicated and "the rock". After we moved in together and she started showing mood swings and some depression I wrote it off as having a hard time in school. I dedicated my time to helping alleviate her stresses...which often time meant taking them upon myself.

Over the next 3 years things go steadily worse....she'd slip deeper and deeper into depression. She went from internalizing her depression to taking it out on me. I got wore down and well...you can immagine how well that worked out.

After being overly dedicated to someone for nearly 4 years I am now single. I'm not going to say that I love my life...but it's a lot less turbulent right now. If I wake up in a good mood there's no one to drag me out of it. The "little" things are amplified by someone over reacting, and I'm no longer being torn down on a daily basis.

This is something you cannnot fix yourself. Quite honestly it's out of your hands and is something that will have to be corrected by her. You can only be there to support her through the process as long as you can. After which point......you've done your part....life is short and you deserve to be happy too.

I wish you the best of luck and will keep you and your wife in my prayers.

 

I have no answers brother, I have a sister like that so I understand the feelings of helplessness. The strongest thing I can offer you are my thoughts and prayers, they are yours, give me a shout if you ever need to talk.

 

Best of luck with everything bro, you are truely doing everything you can to help her. No matter what happens you have to remember that you gave 100%.

 

Effexor. Should help with the depression and crazy mood swings. I know from experience. [My wife takes it]

 

Use the great tool known as the internet. Go hunt for any kind of group that has members who also deal with this kind of thing. Talk to them and find out everything you can from them, anything that works, that doesnt work etc.
Can any of them recommend any good medications, perhaps good local therapists or doctors etc.
Information is your greatest ally in this of fight, get as much as you possibly can, research the hell out it, find other people who have gone through this and learn.

Good luck man, this is an incredibly difficult situation for anyone to be in. I hope this works out well for the both of you, give it all youve got and make sure she does as well, its the only way.

 

congratulations. hope it works out.

 

Don't forget, now that you have her seeing a therapist, you need one too...

Believe it or not depression affects more than the one person, it affects those that deal with them in a daily fashion...

Prayers are working and your wife finally taking your advice to see a psychiatrist is the right and only choice...

Best of luck and my prayers are also on their way...

 

Bro,
I'm going to echo several others here. Get her to a doc that will find the right medication for her.

My wife had the exact stuff (without the child abuse), I know what you're going through. It was hell man. I lived with it for 8 years. She didn't get better until she was directed by a physician who was treating her for hepatitis to see a psych before she started interferon.

It was a BLESSING. Totally different person. She used to just get obsessed with stuff that doesn't amount to a hill of beans and provoke fights she would not let you walk away from - literally follow you around the house to yell at you while you're telling her to just leave you alone.

We were lucky in that this psych hit the right anti-depressant first time. I think its pretty common for them to have to make several tries to find a medication that will work for the individual. I think also that it takes a while dosing them up so the patient can sometimes go through a period early on where bad side effects can discourage them from continuing with the treatment, but you never know if the thing will actually work until they get the stuff in their system for several weeks.

On the downside, my stepson also suffers with depression, but he wasn't so lucky because the first couple of medications they tried for him either didn't work, or the side effects early on were so severe, he wouldn't continue treatment. His life is miserable, and he won't get help.

So, you're going to have to be strong and support and encourage her to stick through the early portion of the treatment.


But if you'll get her to a psych who will work to find the right medication for her, it will be wonderful.

There's no reason for people to suffer when there's medication available out there.

 

Hope things are going well for you. I do not know your situation at all, except for what's been posted. The following may not help you at all, but may help others.

This may seem like too simple a solution, but one of the things that I've found is that a spouse at home by herself sitting in front of a TV all day and doing housework is a recipe for depression. Being alone gives a person too much time to think about all the things that are wrong with themselves and the world. Keeping one's mind active through work, volunteer efforts, or whatever it is she enjoys will help. It may not be an end-all solution, but the distraction of staying busy and talking with other adults on a day-to-day basis can help reduce the amount of time for negative thoughts to develop.

Humans are social beings and need a lot of positive reinforcement. Getting that from people other than yourself will held build her self-esteem and help with a long-term recovery.

Good luck.

 

Keep your chin up BR. Sometimes no matter the love, concern or care we lose.

 

Brother BR you know in your heart that you tired to work this out. Keep the faith, and soon you will have peace and happiness for yourself.

 

Brother in going through the separation or divorce, please make sure you document everything, and have things witnessed, and notarized to protect yourself from any problems or issues down the road.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this.
The best of luck to you, stay strong.
God bless you.