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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A man goes up to Jill at a bar and says to her, "I've got a condom with
    your name on it."
    Jill says to him, "You must be mistaken my name's not'Trojan Extra
    Small'."
     
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  2. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was forthem to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

    Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told thatanyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not beordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

    The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

    As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clatteringacross the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up......and all the other bells started ringing
     
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  3. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes..

    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

    He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

    "I'm a whore," she says.

    The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No.

    That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

    "No, that still won't work. Try again."

    They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

    The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

    "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

    "Chicken Farmer it is!"
     
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  4. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    Irish sausage

    Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

    Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

    He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

    Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

    Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

    He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

    Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'


    Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '


    They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

    The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

    They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.


    At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'


    Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
     
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  5. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the
    man a shot. 'No way! No needles! I hate needles,' the
    patient said. The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing
    gas and the man objects.' I can't do the gas thing. The
    thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!'

    The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection
    to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm
    fine with pills.'

    The Dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra
    tablet. 'The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra
    worked as a pain killer!!!

    'It doesn't,' said the Dentist, 'but it will give you
    something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.'
     
  6. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    smoke in the rain

    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

    Arlene: What in the hell is that?

    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

    Arlene: Where did you get it?

    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

    The pharmacist fainted.
     
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  7. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    Jeff get hired for a new job and on his first day he is assigned a mentor, Bill, to help him learn about the policies and procedures. They meet over coffee in the break room and Bill asks Jeff "Hey man, do you like to drink?"
    Jeff answers cautiously: "I enjoy a bit of booze from time to time."
    Bill smiles and slaps his palm on the table. "Oh man, great, you're gonna love Mondays! The boss shuts us down at Noon, he breaks out the best German Beers, French Wines, authentic Tequilas from Mexico, the best Caribbean Rums, we get loaded and have a freaking blast...We don't get much done, but we have fun!.....Do you smoke?"
    Jeff hesitates for a moment. "I like a cigar once in a while."
    Bill grins again. "Awesome man, you're gonna love Tuesdays!! The boss has a great connection in the ATF, on Tuesdays he stops by around Noon and we all enjoy authentic Cuban cigars and French cigarettes, we don't get a lot of work done, but it is a blast!.....do you gamble?"
    Jeff nods, smiling himself, he can't believe the luck he had landing the new job. "Yes I do!"
    "Wonderful, you're gonna love Wednesdays!" Bill jumps up out of his seat, smiling from ear to ear. "Every Wednesday the boss shuts down at Noon and we turn the warehouse into a casino! There's craps, blackjack, pai gow poker, hold 'em, slot machines...you name it! We don't get too much done, but it is fun."
    Now Jeff can hardly contain his excitement the job is a dream come true.
    "Tell me Jeff....do you like having sex with a bunch of sweaty horny gay men?"
    Jeff stands up abruptly. "Of course not!"
    "Aw, then you're gonna hate Thursdays."
     
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  8. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    Love at 10

    Little Eric and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Eric goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand...


    Eric bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage..'

    Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Eric, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'


    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Eric replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'


    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'


    Again, Eric instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just
    fine.'


    Mr.. Smith is impressed Eric has put so much thought into this.. 'Well Eric, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'


    Eric just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'


    Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable.






    =
     
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  9. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    fifty dollars is fifty dollars

    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

    And every year Morris would say,

    'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

    Esther always replied,

    'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

    And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

    'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

    If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

    To this, Esther replied,

    'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

    The pilot overheard the couple and said,

    'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

    But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

    The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

    He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

    But still not a word.

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

    'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

    I'm impressed!'

    Morris replied,

    'Well, to tell you the truth,

    I almost said something when Esther fell out,

    But you know,

    Fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
     
  10. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
    bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
    even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
    'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
    He's still in intensive care.
     
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  11. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    One Heck of a headache....

    Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older
    he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. After being
    referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a
    doctor who solved the problem.

    "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
    it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which
    causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
    The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to
    relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

    Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to
    live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but
    decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

    When he left the hospital following the surgery, he felt like he
    was missing an important part of himself. Just the same, as he
    walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
    person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

    He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
    need: A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman,

    "I'd like a new suit."

    The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see . . .Size 44
    tall."

    Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job," the salesman replied. Joe tried on the suit.

    It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
    asked,

    "How about a new shirt?"

    Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see . . . 34 sleeve and .
    . .16-and-a-half neck."

    Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
    collar in the mirror, the salesman asked,

    "How about new shoes?"

    Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see . . .9-and-a-
    half . . .wide.

    Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job."

    Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
    comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

    "How about a new hat?"

    Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."

    The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see . . .7 and
    5/8."

    Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

    "It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when
    the salesman asked,

    "How about some new underwear?"

    Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

    The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see
    . . .Size 36."

    Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

    The salesman shook his head, "No. You can't wear a size 34. "It
    would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and
    give you one heck of a headache."
     
  12. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Poor Jerry...

    Jerry's at the urinal in an airport rest room when a guy with no
    arms sidles up next to him and pleads,

    "Hey buddy -- can you help me out here?"

    Though he feels uneasy, he considers the guy's predicament and
    decides to help.

    He bravely unzips the man, takes a deep breath, reaches in and
    pulls out the guy's *****.

    Much to his horror, it is hideous!. It's moldy and bluish green,
    covered with pus-filled scabs, and it reeks something awful.

    Imagining the kudos he'll get on Judgment Day for this selfless
    good deed, Jerry holds the man's unit while he finishes
    urinating, shakes it, then puts it back in the man's pants and
    zips him up.

    The guy tells Jerry, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

    "No problem," says Jerry. "But I gotta ask - What the hell's
    wrong with your johnson?"

    The guy pokes his arms back out of his sleeves and says,

    "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't touching it."
     
  13. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Crazy parrot...

    Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from
    Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the
    entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in
    front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential
    colors.

    One day, they heard, "yellow, blue, black."

    One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the
    colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the
    other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be
    possible.

    The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front
    of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke,

    "black, black, black."

    Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns
    spoke up,

    "Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird." Saying that,
    she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing
    any underwear under their vestments.

    Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear,
    and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot's house.

    Initially, the parrot looked a bit puzzled, he swung back and
    forth on his perch.

    Then, after a while, the Parrot said,

    "Straight, Straight, Curly
     
  14. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Yesterday I was at Pet Smart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal dog, Zeke, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her, No, I don't have a dog. I am starting the Purina Diet again. I added
    that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of
    most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet, and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets. Then you simply take one or two every time you
    feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.

    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

    I told her no, that I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.


    Pet Smart won't let me shop there anymore
     
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  15. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A gay guy goes to the doctor with a nicotine patch on his johnson. The doctor exclaims "That's not where that goes!" Gay guy says it is working! I am down to 3 butts a day!
     
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  16. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.

    1. The DNA all matches.

    2. There are no dental records.
     
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  17. baboo72

    baboo72 Bleeding aqua & orange

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    J: Whose the happiest person in a hospital?

    A: The ultra sound guy!

    Sorry...I'll get my jacket now....:escape:
     
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  18. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Top Ten Thoughts



    #10..........Life is a sexually transmitted.



    #9............Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.



    #8.............Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.



    #7.............Give a person a fish, you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks.



    #6.............Some people are like a Slinky....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.



    #5..............Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.



    #4..............All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.



    #3.............Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?



    #2............In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.



    AND THE #1 Thought:

    We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't got a clue as to were millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
     
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  19. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    This joke may be too inappropriate for here. If so, please delete it.


    A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
    to put his name on his mailbox.

    While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
    the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
    nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
    contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
    'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
    against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

    Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It 's got to be your ears.'

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
    they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
    and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that
    the best part of my body is my ears?'

    Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
    someone coming.... that was me.
     
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  20. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Saratoga , Wyoming . He sits at the
    counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at
    a full bowl of chili.

    After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young
    cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that,
    mind if I do?'

    The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
    his best cowboy manner says, 'Nah, you go ahead.' Eagerly, the
    young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts
    spooning it in with delight.

    He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
    The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili back
    into the bowl.

    The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got,too.'
     
  21. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our Physicians and Therapists ETC. And in this case a new Urologist for me.

    My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous

    As well as unbelievably sexy.

    She told me that I must stop masturbating.

    I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......"
     
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  22. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A guy was having trouble satisfying his wife, so he went to his
    buddy at work for advice. "Listen," said the inept guy,
    "I know you always satisfy your women. How do you do it?"
    "Oh, That's no problem," said his friend. "What I do is stick
    it in them real slow, and then pull it out from them real fast.
    Keep doing that and they come every time."
    The guy went home that night and tried his friend's technique out.
    He stuck it in real slow, and then extracted it real quickly,
    just like his buddy said. After a while he asked his wife,
    "Honey, do you notice anything different about the way I'm doing it?"
    "Yeah," she said, "you're screwing just like your buddy at work."
     
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  23. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    According to a member of a group that reenacts the Civil War, serving in the artillery. As a mounted unit, we have several horses, and theyalways get a lot of attention from the public.

    On Memorial Day, a self-appointed animal-rights-type came over to our "Master ofHorse" and started proclaiming: "Listen here! I was raised around horses, I know horses, and youare mistreating that one there! That horse is obviously pregnant, and should not be forced to pull loads."

    About that time, the horse (a gelded male) elected to urinate.One of the guys in the unit, who had heard the woman's tirade,called out, "My god! Its water's broke, and there's a leg comingout!"

    The woman left quickly and quietly.
     
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  24. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    only in texas.........................

    A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Houston , Texas .. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy 's expense.

    The deputy says,' License and registration, please.'

    'What for?' says the lawyer.

    The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

    Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

    'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'

    The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

    'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!' the Deputy says.

    Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

    'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

    At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down ?'
     
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  25. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    just wanted to let you know.....................


    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
    her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in
    some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!
    Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we
    going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I
    said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn
    them!
    Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
    them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
    SALT!
    THE SALT!"
    The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think
    I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied,
    "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
    __________________
     
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  26. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Snake River Plain
    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.
     
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  27. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    Arkansas
    why i fired my secretary

    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
    I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
    'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
    As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'
    I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
    They will remember.
    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
    So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
    As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss,
    and by the way Happy Birthday!'
    It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
    I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'
    I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
    We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
    She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.
    We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
    On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
    We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'
    I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'
    She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'
    After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
    for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
    'Ok.' I nervously replied.
    She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
    carrying a huge birthday cake ...
    Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
    all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


    And I just sat there....

    On the couch...

    Naked.
     
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  28. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A commercial property owner has three shops in a row, all for rent.
    The first prospective lessee shows up, and says he wants to rent the
    shop on the left. The owner says, "Fine, what kind of shop do you have?"
    The guy says, "A menswear shop." The owner tells him he gets free signage,
    and asks what he wants on the sign.
    "Menswear," says the man.
    A second guy comes along and wants to let the right hand shop.
    When asked he says he wants "Menswear" on his sign. The owner tells
    him that the left-hand shop will be the same.
    "No problem," says the man.
    Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle shop. The owner
    is most concerned because this guy also has a menswear shop. Rather
    wearily the owner asks him what he wants on his sign.
    The guy replies: "Entrance."
     
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  29. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

    "What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

    Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."

    Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it.

    The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart.

    "What was that for?" he asks.

    "Oops! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.

    So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.

    The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

    "Wait, where are you going?" she asks.

    The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!
     
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  30. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

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    Nov 29, 2007
    Bloomington, IN.
    An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
    One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
    All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
    So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
    The old farmer said: “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
    “And what about the men?” the minister asked.
    “They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
     
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  31. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    Arkansas
    saying goodbye to mother

    You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

    We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

    The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

    My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

    "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

    A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

    The cab driver hit a parked car.
     
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  32. TiP54

    TiP54 Bad Reputation

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    Live from the Internet.
    What does a jewish rabbi tell the waiter?

    "Keep the tip"

    I know, i know...
     
  33. TiP54

    TiP54 Bad Reputation

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    Live from the Internet.

    I cired :lol::lol:
     
  34. cnc66

    cnc66 wiley veteran, bad spelur Luxury Box

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    I was cryin' Larry.
     
  35. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    not too many farms in Detroit

    A teacher in a Detroit , Michigan . elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.....

    Little Tyrone stood up and said:



    "Up against the wall mother ****er!"
     
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  36. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Two ministers died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
    St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
    You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as
    ministers. What'll it be?"
    The first minister says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
    above the Rocky Mountains."
    "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first minister.
    The second minister mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will
    any of this week count, St. Peter?"
    "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep
    track of what you're doing."
    In that case," says the second minister, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
    "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second minister disappears.
    A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells
    St. Peter to recall the two ministers. "Will you have any
    trouble locating them?" he asks.
    "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's
    somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But
    the second one could prove to be more difficult."
    "Why?" asketh the Lord.
    "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
     
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  37. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

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    Newburgh, NY
    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

    She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

    "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

    "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying?"

    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.."

    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

    "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

    "Oh, really?" yawned the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"

    He said: "Who ****ed up your hair?"
     
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  38. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    Arkansas
    baptizing an irishman

    An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.
    He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
    The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,
    'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
    The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
    So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
    He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
    The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
    The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
    He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
    The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'
    By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
    but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
    The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
    (Are you ready for this????)






    The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'
     
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  39. like2god

    like2god Typical white person Luxury Box

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    Nov 22, 2007
    CNY
    A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.

    It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.

    The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts
    to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

    As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune....

    Frank , the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

    And you thought all they did was say Hello.
     
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  40. like2god

    like2god Typical white person Luxury Box

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    A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's ***** off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

    Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the ***** smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

    Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'

    Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

    The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

    "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
     

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