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very difficult question

Discussion in 'Questions and Answers' started by Seeking Answers, Jun 16, 2009.

  1. dolphindebby

    dolphindebby Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    All you guys are great!
    You all answered with honesty and sincerity. No bull from any of you.
    I am so proud to know all of you.
     
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  2. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    robert frost, road not taken. One of my favorite poems. I mean.................................... man stuff.
     
  3. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    that dont sound too bad to me. some couples have NO sex life. try to get that fire back.
    and like some others said, ya dont poop where ya eat.
     
  4. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    Two of my favorites by Stephen Crane:

     
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  5. rafael

    rafael Well-Known Member

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    Thanks man! :knucks:

    Although I don't believe any of us has enough information to decide that anyone is better than anyone else. I just try to be better than I was yesterday.
     
  6. 124

    124 Banned

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    Cheating is never the way to go. Either get a divorce or deal with the non-freaky sexy life. If you go and do things with this woman, something WILL happen and things will only get worse for you.

    Best of luck with whatever decision you do indeed make.
     
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  7. dolphindebby

    dolphindebby Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Thanks pal. Why is it just a man's thread now???:sad:
     
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  8. Coral Reefer

    Coral Reefer Premium Member

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    Anyone? :lol:

    Whether they admit it or not, at some point everyone that is married goes though the issue of the spark not being the same brother.

    It's just the way it is.

    That offer sounds great, no strings and all, but in the end it's up to you.
    I've had a couple opportunities like that as well but I just kept thinking of how I'll feel after it's over, a first class jerk, and to me that made it just not worth it at all.

    I mean if my wife did it to me I'd be flattened so why would I?

    Tempting though, marriage IS work at times.

    Someone mentioned simply spanking it to satisfy the urge for something different. It's not a bad suggestion. A little porn surfing and you can temporarily be with any woman you want without really being with her.

    This is why women should really not get bent out of shape at all when men do their porn surfing. It allows you to explore your fantasies mentally rather than going out and looking to act them out. Allows you to keep things fresh without cheating. Girls don't get upset with your men porn surfing. Maynards girl, if your reading this take notes!
     
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  9. Coral Reefer

    Coral Reefer Premium Member

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    Also, don't let anything said here be the ultimate influence in making this decision for you bud.

    Your personal moral set is for you to decide.
    Everyone elses definition of what you should do dosen't really matter in the end.

    In fact, someone telling you how much of a dirt bag cheating makes you may very well have cheated on someone themselves just the other day. LOL.

    It's a decision you have to make, were just giving opinions.
     
  10. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    I say take it a step further.

    I think a lot of couples get into trouble with sex because they have it for every reason in the book. Bored, let's have sex. Angry, let's have sex. Sad, let's have sex. We're supposed to have it more, let's have sex. Just horny, let's have sex. Then there's the internal reasons, like I need to feel loved, or powerful, or attractive, whatever.

    Now, if both people in the relationship, feel the same way at the same time, then great. But it rarely ever happens that way. Since it doesn't, the person not in agreement is doing the other a favor. Sex with a spouse should never be about favors. It turns it into work and it breeds resentment. That's when lots of problems start. Men will start to sneak around whether with others or with porn. Women will lie about their mood or pretend they're done so he'll get the hell off them, etc. etc.

    If you want sex for any other reason then the love and passion for your significant other, then masturbate instead. If you're horny, instead of having sex or asking for it, go do something romantic and/or fun first. Chances are you'll interject a little passion to you both, then you won't have to ask for it. Besides, passionate sex with your spouse is way more satisfying than the "move your head, American Idol is on" sex.
     
  11. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    Printing and posting on the fridge. Nice knowing you all.
     
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  12. TrueDolFan

    TrueDolFan Minion of Satan

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    OP,


    Cheating, it's socially a no-no, so most people will tell you you're a scumbag if you do it. That's B.S. Perfectly sane, good-hearted people have just as much capacity to cheat as "scumbags" do. You wouldn't be the first, and you won't be the last person to cheat on their spouse.

    People say, "you don't really love her if you cheat." That's crap, they don't know what's in your heart. The very reason why you want to cheat instead of leave her is BECAUSE you love her and don't want to hurt her. Am I right?

    Look, I'm not here to judge, and I personally feel everybody on the planet should be able to do whatever it is they want (no stealing or violence, of course). Of course most will try to talk you out of it, but in the end, you gotta do what YOU want. You only live once, man. If you can get some real good, freaky sex without your wife knowing, more power to you. You're the one who has to live with it, not me.

    If anybody is wondering, I AM married and I have never cheated on my wife. I promised my wife I would be faithful, and I intend to make good on that promise. But that doesn't mean that I think everybody should be like me. I just think that instead of telling the guy he's wrong, and what a scumbag he would be if he did, what you SHOULD be telling him is that he needs to do what he wants to, 'cause it's HIS life.
     
  13. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    And yet you made a commitment to your wife to not cheat. If you didn't make good on your promise and hurt the one you love, simply because you were selfish, then that would make you a scumbag.

    You're completely missing the point.
     
  14. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    I appreciate your take on the situation, and I understand your 'You only live once' motto, but basic moral guidelines should keep one from straying IMO. When you get married, as you well know, you make vows that include statements regarding 'love, honor and cherish' as well as through 'good times and bad' and the like. Those vows are taken very lightly these days, and that is a shame. But like you said, it is up to the OP to make the decision, and even though in your eyes he is not a 'scumbag' if he follows through with it, he is at the least a man with no honor. JMHO of course.
     
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  15. slickj101

    slickj101 Is Water

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    I see what you're sayin, man. But, I think there's many more explanations for what I bolded.

    He might be happy with every other aspect of the relationship, but the sex. So if he goes and gets freaky-deaky with the work chick, keeps his other girl, and nobody's the wiser, isn't that more of him just being greedy and selfish then it is caring about his girl?

    Just sayin.


    I'd say just talk to your wife about it and go from there. That'll put an end to a lot of unneeded speculation and "what ifs".
     
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  16. TrueDolFan

    TrueDolFan Minion of Satan

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    No, I assure you I am not. Like I said, I'm not here (on Earth) to judge anybody. Just because society has taught you that "only scumbags cheat on their spouses" doesn't make it so.

    You assume that your morals apply to everybody else.

    That's why I said that he's the one who has to live with it. Because I agree that it is not honorable. But he might not see it like that. If he is o.k. with it, why impose our morals on the guy?
     
  17. TrueDolFan

    TrueDolFan Minion of Satan

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    Exactly.
     
  18. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    well, if your spouse doesn't want you to have sex with anyone else, and you do anyways, and it hurts her, then what would you say that makes you?

    You can play the society game all day, but in the end, if you have decided to hurt someone that bad for your own happiness then that pretty much makes you scum. The pursuit of happiness is fine and all, but yes how far you are willing to go for your own happiness does dictate rather you are a righteous or non righteous person. And you may love her, but obviously not enough to put her above a couple of hours of enjoyment. That in my opinion makes you a narcissist.
     
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  19. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    update

    i told my coworker to stop with the flirting, it is not going to happen. i literally sat down and stared at my wife all night the past 2 nights, shes amazing. beautiful. and i am in complete love with her.

    our daughter is beutiful and i cherish every second with her. our family is strong and a piece of *** is not worth ruining my wifes feelings for me and making life hard on my little girl.

    thanks everyone who responded, even the people calling me a scumbag and everything, like everyone in the world is perfect with their spouse :no:
     
  20. slickj101

    slickj101 Is Water

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    No prob, bro. Every relationsip is work at times.

    If you have issues I would always suggest talking about them and not making any rash decisions.

    That's really all you can do and usually, you'll make the right decision after that.
     
  21. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    Bravo, man!

    Again, the offer still stands, if you need anyone to talk to, I'm here.
     
  22. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    I'm sorry bro, but you are missing the point.

    You cannot make a commitment, then break it because you feel like it, while hurting someone you love, and not be a scum bag. I don't care what that commitment is.

    This isn't a societal issue, its a very personal one. Society tells us an open marriage is bad, but I think as long as both partners are ok with it, then fine go for it.

    The real issue here, is why do you have this faux callousness. I'm saying its fake because I'm taking you at your word. You say you won't cheat because of the promise you made and because you love your wife, yet if you did break it then you're not doing anything wrong? That doesn't compute, and that has nothing to do with society's rules.
     
  23. TrueDolFan

    TrueDolFan Minion of Satan

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    That's your opinion. He may be a scumbag in YOUR eyes.

    You're right, it has everything to do with PERSONAL values. My values aren't the same as your values, and I don't expect you to impose your values on me.

    I'm saying that for ME, it'd be wrong. But I'm not going to judge another guy if he does it. Just because I say it's wrong to cheat doesn't make it wrong for the next guy. The next guy might love cheating, and as long as he isn't stealing and killing people I couldn't care less what he does.

    Society likes to impose it's morals/values on us, and I don't think that it's cool; even though in this case I mostly agree.
     
  24. Coral Reefer

    Coral Reefer Premium Member

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    That's exactly what his coworker said except for the talk part. :shifty:
     
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  25. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh

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    First of all, I'm not calling anyone here a scum bag, ftr.

    Second, a cheater is stealing. He's taking part of someone's life under false pretenses.

    I know you think you're "hip" with the societal bs you're spouting, but it is simply not true. Societal influence can be used to say stealing is wrong.
     
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  26. rafael

    rafael Well-Known Member

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    I think that judging whether somebody is good or bad is the root of most of the world's ills. Once you decide you're better than another its easy to justify doing almost anything to them.

    It is, however, perfectly reasonable to judge whether a behavior is good or bad, ie. cheating, stealing, etc. It's possible to have sufficient information about a singular or even a series of acts. But to reasonably judge a person as good or bad you would have to know much more of their behaviors and what lead them commit those behaviors.
     
  27. Muck

    Muck Throwback Uniform Crusader Retired Administrator

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    Sounds like you fell in love again.

    Good for you brother.




    Scumbag. :shifty:
     
  28. daphins

    daphins A-Style

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    Kind of is, kind of isn't. I wouldn't call all people that cheat scumbags...some are, some are just weak. It all depends on the circumstances....like stealing. Me stealing is totally different than a homeless person stealing food to live. Me cheating is totally different than the wife of a drunk cheating.


    As far as I know about this situation his cheating is not validated....it sounds like just the sexual part is missing. But there could be more to it...maybe she's stolen his manly hood and oppressed him ala Kate. Maybe he was abused as a child, or got married at 20 and thinks it might be a mistake.


    While we can certainly use our morals to guide us to right or wrong, there are different degrees of this...as hopefully illustrated above. I don't personally EVER see myself cheating...but then again I'm 25 and single...who knows where I'll be at when I'm 40 and hopefully married...i hope I'll be happy with my spouse...but there's always that chance.
     
  29. Fin Fan In Cali

    Fin Fan In Cali Dolphin fan since 1970 Luxury Box

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    I am very happy for you and your family brother!:up:
     
  30. rafael

    rafael Well-Known Member

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    Those were good examples of why making blanket judgments about a person is unfair. It's fine to judge the act or even hate the act but not to assume that the one act is all of the information about the person.

    And I am in my 40s and I haven't and don't expect I ever will cheat. It's just not the man I want to be. Some people act like cheating is inevitable but I think that's just a justification. So while there may always be a chance, you control you're own actions.
     
  31. Alex44

    Alex44 Boshosaurus Rex

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    Doh I don't think anyone meant it like that. Just that it would be a scummy thing to do....good people can do bad things.

    Anyway I"m glad you resolved it :up:
     
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  32. dolphindebby

    dolphindebby Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    I agree with alex on this. I don't remember anyone calling the op a scumbag personally.

    We offered advice because we were asked by a friend here that was having a problem. I think all the guys did a great job, with sincerity, no bashing, no off-the-wall answers.
    I feel we all tried our best to help him make his decision, not to try and make him feel we know it all.

    OP,
    I'm so glad you and your wife are working on this and IMO, speaking as a woman, you did the best thing you could have done.
    The best of luck to you both.
    My prayers will be with you.
     
  33. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    I was at Church camp all week and thus missed the discussion portion of this thread. I am impressed by the debate and except for some minor name calling (which may or may not have actually been intended) all the folks stayed pretty much on point.

    Since the questioner has come to his decision (and the one I would have wanted him to make) I will offer no advice but if you will permit me, I will tell you a story.

    About 6 months before my first wife died of cance she was undergoing a lot of heavy duty chemo therapy. Despite the drugs to control nausea one evening she got intensely sick. In her childhood she had been a polio sufferer and thus wasn't very mobile even before the chemo robbed her of her energy. She fouled herself badly and was crying for how sick she felt, how little control she had, and just the emotional embaressment of finding herself in that condition.

    After doing the basic clean-up on her, I gently removed all of her clothes and mine. After putting them to soak I carried her into the bathroom and held her in the shower. After rinsing her and geting her settled in the shower seat, I washed her all over including a very thourough hair washing, something she loved and could not then do for herself.

    We had been married 31 years and had showered naked together before for all the "fun reasons". Yet as I look back from five years out, I am convinced that was the most loving, naked act I had ever and am likely to ever perform.

    That is love and to risk that for mere sex would in my opinion be a terrible shame.
     
  34. daphins

    daphins A-Style

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    I concur with this, and didn't think that it was directed at the OP. I made my response in general about viewing people too harshly. Actually I had made a fairly strong generalization about cheaters but edited it out of my post because I started to think "that's a blanket statement, and that's not right".
     
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  35. GridIronKing34

    GridIronKing34 Silently Judging You

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    Well you could always write in your vows, "[Insert name here], I promise to love you, comfort you, honor and keep you in sickness and in health, remaining faithful to you as long as we both shall live............except if I'm horny, then it's all free game, baby!"

    Just sayin' :tongue2:
     
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  36. dolphindebby

    dolphindebby Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Pastor there's not much to say to a beautiful post such as this one.
    Thank you for your sharing, kindness, advice and love with us.
    You sir, are a fine man.
    I am proud to be your friend.
     
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  37. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    dont feel sorry for me friend. im healthy as can be and happy as can be. and when my time here on earth is finished, i'm going to the same place as you:hi5:

    but the original poster is getting brow beatin with one religious right point of view, and without some contrast, this thread is useless. there is no light, without the dark.
     
  38. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    that was beautiful
     
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