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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. The G Man

    The G Man Git 'r doooonnne!!!

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    ^ :sidelol: ^
     
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  2. PMZQ

    PMZQ Banned

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    Miami, FL
    Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
    As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your
    eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly." St. Peter looked
    at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old
    beat up Dodge." Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For
    this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon." St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have
    set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel
    through heaven in a Ferrari." A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is,
    sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying. "What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so
    down?" Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."
     
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  3. PMZQ

    PMZQ Banned

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    Nov 24, 2007
    Miami, FL
    A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

    'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
    That phrase . . In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

    The next day , She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

    There was stunned silence.

    Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed,
    "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'
     
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  4. TiP54

    TiP54 Bad Reputation

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    Nov 25, 2007
    Live from the Internet.
    I got a joke for you guys...
    ...The Jets :D
     
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  5. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    oh those rednecks

    I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.
    These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district.
    Spellings have been left intact.


    1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

    2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

    3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

    4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

    5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

    6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

    7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

    8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

    9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

    10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

    11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had the ****s.

    12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

    13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

    14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

    15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

    16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

    17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

    18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

    19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

    20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

    21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

    22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor

    23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
     
  6. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    ralph died in his sleep

    Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph . . . '

    Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

    St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

    Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

    'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

    'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

    'Never,' said Ralph.

    'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

    Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell . . .

    'Ralph! Wake up. You **** the bed!'
     
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  7. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff.

    "Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?"

    "Well Sheriff, it's a long story."

    "I ain't going nowhere", said the Sheriff.

    "Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did.

    Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did."

    He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same.

    So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town'.
     
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  8. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911.

    The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

    Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

    The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

    "There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
     
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  9. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    why my mother doesn't visit anymore

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qzgZw9If8w"]YouTube - why the Mother n law doesn't visit more often[/ame]
     
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  10. Big E

    Big E Plus sized porn star

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    Nov 29, 2007
    Bloomington, IN.
    Good dog.
     
  11. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    women on camera

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vmp8OquVxrY&NR=1"]YouTube - FARTING WOMEN (Very Funny)[/ame]
     
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  12. steveincolorado

    steveincolorado Spook, Storme & Pebbles

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    Colorado
    Home Depot has a new color "Blonde",
    it's not very bright, but it spreads easy:up:
     
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  13. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    12 signs we are in a recession

    12. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

    11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

    10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.

    9. Hot wheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.

    8. Obama met with small businesses - GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup and GM, to discuss the Stimulus Package.

    7. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

    6 People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.

    5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

    4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

    3. Motel Six won't leave the lights on.

    2. The Mafia is laying off judges.

    And my most favorite indicator of all.

    1. If the bank returns your check marked as "insufficient funds," you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.
     
  14. steveincolorado

    steveincolorado Spook, Storme & Pebbles

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    Colorado
    Mike Vick is changing his name, he is changing Mike to Con:tongue2:
     
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  15. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    gotta pee

    Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
    Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
    They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
    Breezers.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

    One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her panties and use them.

    Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

    She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.

    After the girls did their business they proceeded to Go home.

    The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
    'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

    'That's nothing' said the other husband,
    'Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that
    Said.....

    'From all of us at the Fire Station.
    We'll never forget you.''
     
  16. TrueDolFan

    TrueDolFan Minion of Satan

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    Twin Cities, MN
    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

    Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

    Barbara replied, "You better jack off. I've got a headache."
     
  17. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Dan was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and
    had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming camping
    trip because his wife wouldn't let him go. After listening
    to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow
    4X4 friends Dan left to go back home to his wife.
    When Dan's friends started arriving to set up camp the
    following day who should be there but Dan sitting up in
    front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp
    oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
    "How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dan?"
    "I didn't have to" was Dan's reply. "When I left the meeting
    I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer
    to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me
    and covered my eyes and said, surprise..!!
    When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a
    beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me
    into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do
    whatever you want....."
    So Here I am....!
     
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  18. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

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    Nov 29, 2007
    over there
    An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

    His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

    Dear Vincent,
    I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
    Love, Papa

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.


    Dear Pop,
    Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
    Love,
    Vinnie


    At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


    That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

    Dear Pop,
    Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
    Love you,
    Vinnie
     
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  19. TiP54

    TiP54 Bad Reputation

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    Nov 25, 2007
    Live from the Internet.
    How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
    You poke her face. :rimshot:
     
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  20. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    that harley guy

    A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.


    She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't
    wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.



    The doctor assures her that he'll get to the bottom of the problem and
    tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

    A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the
    doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots. The
    doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm
    wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'

    The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

    Doc replied, 'Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.'
     
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  21. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    irishmen are braggarts

    Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..

    After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

    So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

    So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.


    So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

    After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.


    They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
    ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half
    hours.

    When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya waves a fukkin' towel!'
     
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  22. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    Arkansas
    nun and the hippie

    A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

    "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

    The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
    "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

    "Yeah?", says the hippie.

    "Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

    The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

    "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me."

    The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her Virginity.

    'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a Flourish.

    "Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

    "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!
     
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  23. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    Arkansas
    the alter boy

    'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

    The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

    'Yes, Father, it is.'

    'And who was the girl you were with?'

    'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

    Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well

    tell me now.

    Was it Maria Minetti?'

    'I cannot say.'

    'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

    'I'll never tell.'

    'Was it Nina Capelli?'

    'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her...'

    'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

    'My 2 lips are sealed.'

    'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

    'Please, Father, I cannot tell you. '

    The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I

    admire that, but you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar

    boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,

    'What'd you get?'

    4 months vacation and five good leads.
     
  24. TokyoFishFan

    TokyoFishFan New Member

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    Tokyo!
    One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
    Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
    He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
    "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
    "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
    "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
    "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
    Turning to the other poor man he stated,
    "You come with us, also."
    The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
    "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
    They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

    Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
    "Thank you for taking all of us with you."
    The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
    You'll really love my place.






























    The grass is almost a foot high".
     
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  25. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Two rednecks, Bubba and Rob were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

    Rob says to Bubba, "Have you seen the beautiful girls is this catalog?"

    Bubba replies, "Yes, they are very beautiul and look at the price!"

    Rob says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive.
    at this price, I'm buying one."

    Bubba smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
    as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

    Three weeks later, Bubba asks his friend, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
    from the Sears catalog?"

    Rob replies.... "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday.
     
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  26. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A salesman came across a house that had a large number of cars
    parked outside it. Intrigued, he stopped and decided to sell his
    double-glazing to the owner.

    Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman
    started into his banter.

    After she turned down his offer for double-glazing, his curiosity
    got the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many
    cars.

    "Well," she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they lose they give
    me their car."

    The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks, "What does the bet
    entail?"

    All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does."

    "Is that all? How old is your son?"

    "He's only seven."

    With this the salesman can't resist anymore.

    "OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you
    win you get my car, but what do I get?"

    "I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my
    bedroom."

    The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son.

    "Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse."

    Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does
    exactly the same.

    "Tommy, put your hand in my bra."

    Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does
    exactly the same.

    "Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt."

    Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does
    exactly the same.

    "Now Tommy, I want you to bend your dick.

    The salesman hands her his keys.
     
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  27. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    If you don't believe a dog is man's best friend, try this experiment:

    Put your spouse (or significant other) and your dog in the trunk of your car for one hour. At the end of the hour, open the trunk and see which one is happier to see you.
     
  28. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A class of five-year old students are learning to read.

    One of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

    The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

    "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

    And so it does...





    * A f r i c a n Elephant *

    Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
     
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  29. syborg

    syborg New Member

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    Jan 19, 2009
    Taunton, United Kingdom
    Premature Ejaculation

    A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.


    He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."


    That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.


    At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.


    The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.


    The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"


    The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my *****, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
     
  30. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    everyone screams racism these days

    'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'
    >
    >
    > The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
    >
    > The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am.
    > But let me ask you something.
    >
    > If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
    Italian?
    >
    > Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
    > German?
    >
    > Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was
    Jewish?
    >
    > Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?'
    >
    > 'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?'
    >
    > The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably wouldn't!'
    >
    > With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says,
    > 'Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked
    > for Polish sausage?'
    >
    > The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot'
     
  31. steveincolorado

    steveincolorado Spook, Storme & Pebbles

    11,511
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    Mar 23, 2008
    Colorado
    A little boy walked in on his mom on dad one day and said "Daddy, what are you doing to mommy"? Daddy responds with, "son, I'm making you a little brother". Son replies, "can you roll mommy over, I'd rather have a puppy".:shifty:
     
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  32. steveincolorado

    steveincolorado Spook, Storme & Pebbles

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    Mar 23, 2008
    Colorado
    Has anyone seen the adult version of Harry Potter?.........

    It's called Harry Beaver.:tongue2:
     
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  33. syborg

    syborg New Member

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    0
    Jan 19, 2009
    Taunton, United Kingdom
    The post office have released a new stamp in the shape of a clitoris. it's not selling well as only 3% of the male population know how to lick it properly
     
  34. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Maury and Pauly were in the bar again, and Pauly was relating
    his quandry: "I don't know what decision I should make. I'm
    currently being pursued by a 23-year-old aspiring model who
    hasn't got a dime to her name and also by a 63-year-old widow
    with brazillions of dollars." "Hmmm," said Maury. "In your
    place, I wouldn't hesitate a second. With your age and looks,
    it's obvious that you're never again in your lifetime going to
    get the attention of a 23-year-old, even if she is broke and
    only an aspiring model. What counts is youth and beauty. In
    your place, I'd send the old bat off and then set up
    housekeeping with the beauty." "You're right!" says Pauly.
    "It's just amazing how friends can see the situation so
    clearly and offer such good advice." "No problem," says Maury,
    "but could you give me that widow's name and number?"
     
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  35. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbors for years, were constantly
    trying to "out-status" each other. The first man mentioned
    that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.
    "That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the
    girls really learn there is fornication."
    The first man became irate and said,
    "I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"
    The neighbor smiled and said, "Take it from me, Pal, she
    certainly could use a refresher course."
     
  36. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    news update..............

    the cities of detroit and chicago are replacing all their german shepherd police dogs with blue tick coon hounds since they seem to be having no problem with germans.
     
  37. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,926
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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Rich was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

    The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

    Rich was delighted.

    They went to the field and Rich stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

    Back to the house went the farmer.

    The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the corn field. Sure enough, Rich was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

    The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

    Rich looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a Mother!!!"
     
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  38. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

    4,464
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    Nov 29, 2007
    over there
    [​IMG]
     
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  39. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    colored panties

    There were
    three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the
    ocean.

    The first lady
    said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me some hot pink
    panties beefo I gets on dat plane.'

    Why you gonna
    wear dem fo?' the other two asked.


    The first
    replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up
    in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'


    The second
    lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some flooresant orange
    panties.'

    'Why you gonna
    wear dem?' the others asked.


    The second
    lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I'm floating
    butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me
    first.'


    The third old
    lady says, 'Well, I'm not going to wear any panties...'

    'What? No
    panties?' the others asked in disbelief.


    'Dat's right,
    you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties,' the third lady
    said, cause if dis
    plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box
    first!
     
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  40. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    30,659
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    0
    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Big E said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
    a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

    Next little Sick raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Sick. Opie, do you have a story to share?"

    "Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
     
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