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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A married couple walked in to a Jamaican sandal shop. The proprietor
    said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be
    interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really
    interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her
    husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
    The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex
    freak?'
    The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' So, the husband, after
    some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.
    As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
    eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an
    eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
    yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm
    hold of the Jamaican's hips.
    The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet!'
     
  2. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Marsha goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing
    her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving,
    she meets a very attractive tall dark and handsome
    native, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she
    asks him, "What is your name?"

    "I can't tell you!" the native says.

    Every night they meet and every night she asks him again
    what his name is and he always responds the same, he will
    not tell her. On her last night there she asks again,
    "Can you please tell me your name?"

    "I can't because you will make fun of my name!" the
    Islander says.

    "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," Marsha
    says.

    "Fine, my name is Snow" the man replies. And Marsha
    bursts into laughter, and the native gets mad and says,
    "I knew you would make fun of it."

    Marsha replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me
    when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day
    in the Caribbean."
     
  3. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Ever wondered about
    Guts or Balls...

    There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having
    guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In
    an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

    GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met
    by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still
    cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

    BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of
    perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
    arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
    I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

    Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both
    ultimately result in death!
     
  4. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility,
    and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private
    parts.A woman walks past and says, snickering,
    "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
    He raised an eyebrow and replied,
    "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."
     
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  5. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Two old guys were chatting..... One said to the other:
    "My 70th birthday was yesterday. The wife gave me an SUV".
    Other guy responded: "Wow, that's amazing!!.....
    Imagine, an SUV!!.. What a great gift!"
    First guy: "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
     
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  6. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
    But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

    So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."


    "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.


    "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

    SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING


    Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said , "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:


    SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY


    That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"


    The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign.." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.


    The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three week s later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.


    "How's the problem with those drivers.
    Did you put up your sign?"


    "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
    The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

    So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

    NUDIST COLONY
    Go slow and watch out for chicks!!
     
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  7. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

    A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
    door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
    standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

    'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

    He slams the door and returns to bed.

    'Who was that?' asked his wife.

    'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

    'Did you help him?' she asks.

    'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

    'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
    about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
    us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

    The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the
    pounding rain.

    He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

    'Yes,' comes back the answer.

    'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

    'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

    'Where are you?' asks the husband.

    'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.
     
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  8. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

    Internal Revenue 'Service'
    U.S. Postal 'Service'
    Telephone 'Service'
    Cable TV 'Service'
    Civil 'Service'
    State, City, County & Public 'Service'
    Customer 'Service'

    This is not what I thought 'Service' meant..

    But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
    BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

    You are now as enlightened as I am.
     
  9. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    i've heard this one before, but it bears repeating, mainly because its true!
     
  10. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    grandpa

    A woman in a grocery store notices a grandfather and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson.


    It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles.

    Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled
    voice "Easy, Albert, We won't be long -- easy, boy."

    Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more Minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

    At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a Controlled voice says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

    Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and
    the boy into the car. "You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.

    I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very Lucky to have you as his grandpa."

    "Thanks, lady," said Gramps, but "I'm Albert -- the little ****'s name is Steve."
     
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  11. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    joseph wants a bike

    > For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a
    > 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give
    > you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your
    > mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
    > it.'

    >The next day the father saw little Joseph
    > heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked,
    > 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told
    > him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard
    > you telling mommy you were pulling out. Then I heard her
    > tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be
    > damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000
    > mortgage and no bike!
     
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  12. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again.
    She put an ad in the local paper that read:

    HUSBAND WANTED:

    MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's)
    MUST NOT BEAT ME
    MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME &
    MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!!
    ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

    On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened
    The door to see a gray-haired Gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.. He had no
    Arms or legs.

    The old woman said, `You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
    Just look at you … You have no legs!

    The old man smiled, `Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

    She snorted. `You don't have any arms either!'

    Again, the old man smiled, `Therefore, I can never beat you!'

    She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, `Are you still good in bed???'

    The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,
    `Rang the doorbell didn't I?'
     
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  13. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their
    relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
    One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft
    than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..."
    Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anythingabout biology you...."
    Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine YES OR NO?"
    Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
    Sam answers, "Eleven years!"
     
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  14. calphin

    calphin deadly at 250 yards!!

    How to give a cat a pill; How to give a dog a pill‏

    1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



    How To Give A Dog A Pill

    1. Wrap it in bacon.

    2. Toss it in the air.
     
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  15. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said,"I want to be a movie star.
    " Tall, handsome and, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

    The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is ***** van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

    The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like ***** van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name, or I will not be able to represent you."

    "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said, and he left the agent's office.

    Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck. Who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

    "Dear Sir,
    Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood & you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like ***** van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

    Thank you for your advice.
    Sincerely,
    Dick van Dyke
     
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  16. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    Getting Married!

    I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, so we decided to get married.

    There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

    She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.' I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

    And the moral of this story is:





    Always keep your condoms in your car.
     
  17. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield ...........

    Because he said ....


    My wife only has sex with me for a purpose.

    -------

    Last night she used me to time an egg.
    ----------
    It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
    -------------------
    Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
    --------------------------
    A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
    ---------------------------
    A hooker once told me she had a headache.
    ---------------------------
    I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service..
    -------------------------
    If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
    -------------------------
    I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
    ---------------------------
    I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
    ------------------------------
    I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
    -----------------------------------
    My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
    ------------------------------
    I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
    -------------------------------
    The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
    ----------------------------------
    My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
    --------------------------------
    I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
    ----------------------------------
    My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
    ---------------------------------
    My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.
    -----------------------------------

    My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.
     
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  18. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

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    A State trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Juggler & amatuer Magician and was on his way to a charity event to do a show at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late for all the kids.

    The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

    The Jugger told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk of the patrol car and asked if he would juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them, and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken man got out, watched the performance with jaw and mouth agape, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

    The trooper observed this Drunk and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

    The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no way in hell I can pass that test!! Hiccup!!:wink2:
     
  19. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    If you're worrying about how to invest your money with Wall Street and the economy being so unstable, here is some guidance.

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

    If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

    But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you will have $214.00.

    Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.
     
  20. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    .A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

    Makes you proud to be an American!
     
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  21. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    My neighbor
    found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
    Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.* He
    cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.. The Vet then proceeded
    to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she
    should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in
    the dog's ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.* At
    the register the druggist tells her, 'If you' re going to use this
    under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days.' The lady* says:
    'I'm not using it under my arms.'

    The druggist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
    couple of days.' The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either;
    if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.' The druggist says:
    'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'
     
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  22. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    undies

    Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that
    the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels
    because she's very good at them....
    Her Mom said:"YOU should say NO......
    they only want to look at your undies".
    Susie said: "I know they do...
    that's why I hid them in my backpack"!!
     
  23. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

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    over there
    Why condoms come in boxes of 3, 6, and 12

    A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

    'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

    The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'

    'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

    'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

    'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

    With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.....'
     
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  24. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

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    over there
    Philosophy of Relationships

    “Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning; to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
    – Robin Williams

    “You know that look that women get when they want sex? ...Me neither.”
    –Steve Martin

    “Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
    -Woody Allen

    “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
    -Rodney Dangerfield

    “Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
    -George Burns

    “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
    -Sharon Stone

    “My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.”
    -Steve Jobs (founder Apple Computers)

    “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.”
    -Jack Nicholson

    “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
    -Barbara Bush (former US First Lady- and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

    “Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
    -Billy Crystal

    “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course men are just grateful.”
    -Robert DeNiro

    “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
    -Rod Stewart

    “See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a (BallPark Frank), and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
    -Robin Williams
     
    gunn34 and Idahophin like this.
  25. The G Man

    The G Man Git 'r doooonnne!!!

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    Classic! I had no idea she said that. That's too funny...
     
    54Fins likes this.
  26. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Dear STAFF ,
    Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

    1) TRANSPORTATION:
    It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to your salary.
    a) If we see you driving a Honda, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
    b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings therefore you do not need a raise.
    c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

    2) ANNUAL LEAVE :
    Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee).
    - They are called SUNDAYs.

    3) LUNCH BREAK:
    a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy.
    b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
    c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

    4) SICK DAYS:
    We will no longer accept a doctor's medical certificate as proof of sickness.
    - If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

    5) TOILET USE:
    Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.
    a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.
    b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken.
    c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
    d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise money to pay your salary.

    6) SURGERY :
    As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs.
    - You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
    - To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

    7) INTERNET USAGE :
    All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to give you any bonus, charges will be deducted from your salary.
    - Important Note: Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB connection.

    Just for information, 73% of staff will not be entitled to any salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have exceeded their 3 months salary.

    Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
    Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

    Best regards,
    HRD Department
     
    gunn34 and 54Fins like this.
  27. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

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    over there
    A retired man went into the Job Center in downtown Denver,
    and saw a card advertising for a gynecologist's assistant. Interested, he
    went in and asked the clerk for details.


    The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies
    ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their
    underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination." "The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, MT, that's about 550 miles from here."


    "Good grief, is that where the job is?"


    "No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now.
     
    gunn34 likes this.
  28. calphin

    calphin deadly at 250 yards!!

    "I Love You"

    (in 20 Languages) ...




    English
    I Love You

    Spanish
    Te Amo

    French
    Je T'aime

    German
    Ich Liebe Dich

    Japanese
    Ai ****e Imasu

    Italian
    Ti Amo

    Chinese
    Wo Ai Ni

    Swedish
    Jag Alskar

    Lithuanian
    As Tave Meliu

    Alabama, Arkansas, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, West Virginia, Mississippi and Kentucky
    Nice ****.
     
    texasPHINSfan and opfinistic like this.
  29. calphin

    calphin deadly at 250 yards!!

    Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

    You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

    Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize! you need to run to Home Depot to get some thing to help complete the job.

    Depending on your age you might do the following:

    In your 20's:

    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


    In your 30's:

    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


    In your 40's:

    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

    In your 50's:

    Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'


    In your 60's:

    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


    In your 70's:

    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

    In your 80's:

    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
     
    54Fins, TiP54, Idahophin and 3 others like this.
  30. TJamesW_Phinfan

    TJamesW_Phinfan New Member

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    Dec 2, 2007
    Sometime later this year, we Taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. The Obama Administration is very excited about this new program. Let me try to explain to you how it works using a simple Q and A format:

    Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
    A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

    Q. Where will the government get this money?
    A. From taxpayers.

    Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
    A. Only a smidgen..

    Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
    A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

    Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
    A.. Shut up.

    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:


    If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China.
    If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
    If you buy a computer, it will go to India.
    If you buy fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
    If you buy a car, it will go to Japan.
    If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
    If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

    Instead, keep the money in America by:

    1 Spending it at yard sales, or
    2 Going to ball games, or
    3 Spending it on prostitutes, or
    4 Beer or
    5 Tattoos.

    These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.
    - ---------------
    So, I'm going to go to a ball game and drink beer with a tattooed prostitute that I met at a yard sale.
     
    GoPhins!, gunn34, BigDogsHunt and 2 others like this.
  31. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    Arkansas
    best blond joke ever

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started..'�
    Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'�
    The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'�
    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.�
    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.�
    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster..'�
    He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . . . . . ..... .�



    (scroll down)�
























    'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
     
    GoPhins! likes this.
  32. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Won the lottery

    A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway,
    and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted
    at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won
    the lottery!'

    The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach
    stuff or mountain stuff?'

    'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.
     
    Alex44 likes this.
  33. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac
    tells you, "Let's just be friends."
     
    GoPhins! likes this.
  34. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    OVERHEARD AT THE RACE TRACK

    "I bought a racehorse today."

    "Oh, really? What is the horse's name, gender, timing,
    and whatare you going to do with him?

    "I've decided to call him 'My Face.' He is male, runs a
    mile injust under a minute. I don't care if he doesn't
    win a race or if he makes me any money."

    "Then why'n the hell did ya buy him?"

    "I just want to hear thousands of those uppity *****es
    at the race course shouting: 'Come on, My Face!'"
     
  35. dolfan06

    dolfan06 New Member

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    May 19, 2008
    Arkansas
    ole and sven go fishing

    Ole and Sven were fishing in the Minnesota opener when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
    'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
    'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
    'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'
    'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
    'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
    'Could I see him?'
    Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
    Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
    'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
    So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
    The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
    Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... Flying directly overhead.
    Over the roar of the million ducks,
    Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin 'Yimminy,
    I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
    Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
     
    TJamesW_Phinfan and opfinistic like this.
  36. jetssuck

    jetssuck I hear Mandich's voice...

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    Perfectville
    A good indication that you're too drunk to drive:

    You swerve your car to miss a tree and then realize that it's just the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror
     
  37. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,926
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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban." The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

    The voice then calls out, "One Texan is better than a hundred Taliban soldiers." Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

    The Texan voice calls out, "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban". The enraged Taliban Commander musters a thousand fighters and sends them over the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire rings out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

    Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's two of them."
     
    BigDogsHunt, The G Man and GoPhins! like this.
  38. Zeke0123

    Zeke0123 message board ******* Club Member

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    Nov 22, 2007
    "The Husband Store"


    A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


    You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



    So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


    Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


    She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


    Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


    0H' That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


    So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


    Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


    'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


    She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


    Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

    'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

    Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


    Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


    She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


    Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


    PLEASE NOTE:

    To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


    The first floor has wives that love sex.


    The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


    The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
     
    Fin D, cnc66, dolphinfn3454 and 5 others like this.
  39. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    WORKING FOR WAL-MART

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter I lasted
    less than a day.

    About two hours into my first day on the job a very
    loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the
    store with her two kids-- yelling obscenities at them
    all the way through the entrance. As I had been
    instructed, I said pleasantly 'Good morning and
    welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are
    they twins?'

    The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say
    "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and
    the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
    they're twins? Are you blind or just stupid?"

    So I replied "I'm neither blind nor stupid Ma'am. I
    just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good
    day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this
    line of work."
     
    TiP54, anditsgood, gunn34 and 5 others like this.
  40. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    BigO hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
    rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Marsha, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

    BigO said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, BigO!" Marsha said.

    The next day, Marsha ran into one of BigO's drinking buddies on the
    street corner.
    The man chuckled leeringly and said, "BigO won the prize the other
    night at the pub with a toast about you, Marsha."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
    know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
     

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