10 Things in Porn That Don’t Translate to The Real World
28 replies
Paganforum_veteranOPTaken from Coed Magazine.
1. Some of that @#$% hurts: Sure Ron Jeremy might be able to work that reverse spider monkey position for hours on end, but in the real world, awkward positions can result in painful cramping. Now I’m all for porn looking as pristine and perfect as possible, but can a guy get a little disclaimer explaining that drilling for oil while my girlfriend is doing a handstand is going to make her neck and my back hurt for a while?
2. Awkward condom moments: In the rare occasion that a male porn star is actually wearing a condom, it’d be nice to see him struggle with opening the wrapper some of the time, or maybe having a hard time putting it on. It just adds a touch of humanity. As a guy, especially early on, it happens and while our partner may not see it, inside we’re feeling more pressure than a hostage situation negotiator to look cool.
3. There are no fluffers: Let’s say you’ve been partying pretty hard before hopping into bed with some lucky girl. Perfect night right? Sure, until that five dollar handle of whiskey you killed in under an hour comes back to haunt you and you can’t “rise to the occasion”. There’s nothing worse. In the porn world, while the embarrassment factor might still be there, there’d also be a buxom blonde ready and willing to keep you up and at ‘em for as long as necessary. In the real world all you have to look forward to is a penetrating glare of disdain and a guarantee that all of her friends will be hearing about this problem the next day.
4. It’s actually kind of weird to have sex in front of a large group of people: Ever notice how in some porn the camera guy gets real up close and personal, only to have to actors bump the camera? It takes you out of the moment and makes you realize that it’s not just you and some of your closest, sluttiest friends, but rather them and a whole bunch of sweating, overworked and underpaid crew members. That’s one thing you’ll (probably) never have to deal with in real life. Except for the aspiring swingers and orgy-goers out there, it’s generally not a good sign if you’re stuck in a room with a group of guys filming your sexcapades.5. Acrobats rarely exist outside of a circus tent: Chances are, you’re not going to be hooking up with a lot of people who like getting freaky while hanging upside-down on a stripper pole in reality. Oddly enough, the porn world seems to be filled with men and women who don’t mind getting mauled in the kitchen sink or tossing a salad or two while bending backwards over a coffee table. As much as we might think it’s cool, that stuff is just uncomfortable. Kitchen table, absolutely. Back seat of a cramped car, sure why not. Face buried in carpet while hanging off the couch, not so much.
6. Real sex, real sounds: In porn there are really only two things you hear; bad dialogue and bestial orgasms. What about all the awkward smacking, sucking, and slapping that goes on? Sure they’re a little bit off-putting at first, but hey it’s all part of the game right? As a youth I think I would have been far more prepared for some of the weird noises encountered during sex if I knew that someone like Jenna Jameson did it too.
7. Oh how could we forget the dialouge?: “I heard someone ordered a big sausage pizza”…Come on. Really porn writers? I just don’t get why porn dialogue is so bad most of the time. In porn you either get right to the nitty-gritty or you have to deal with 10 minutes of the worst scripted prose anyone's ever heard. That’s not real life. Sometimes without scintillating conversation, things in the bedroom are doomed to fizzle, rather than produce fireworks.
8. Sweat isn’t as cool in the real world: Alright so this one may be up for debate because many people are up for a passionate, sticky, sweaty romp, but somehow in porn it’s just always sexier. Lezley Zen glistens when a thin layer of perspiration and a lot of good lighting come together in harmony. But for the rest of us, if you focus on it, it’s just kind of gross. I’d like to have my hands other places than on my pillow wiping of your back sweat. And I’m sure all the girls out there could do without guys brow sweat momentarily blinding them while their men try to do their best Peter North impressions.
9. It’s not cool to destroy people’s stuff: Take note: women tend to pay a lot of money for their undergarments, so as cool as you think it is rip someone’s bra apart with your teeth or destroy a pair of panties, think twice. Unless you’re willing to part with some money to donate to your girlfriends “I need to go to Victoria’s Secret fund”.10. ATM: You know the scene in Clerks 2 where Rosaria Dawson’s character is talking about ass to mouth and how it’s only OK in the heat of the moment? Well if you ever find a girl who believes that, you should marry her, or get tested. An old staple by now in pornos around the world, ATM is rarer than a good Nicholas Sparks movie in the real world. First of all think about you need to find someone who’s down for anal (not easy) and oral (easy) and then they have to be open enough (not to mention pretty care free when it comes to germs) to let you do both. Not an easy combination but more power to anyone who does it.
".. hell you even have a fireman who rubs his balls on another mans head for three hours a week.. show some class, don't make fun of us poor Dolphins fans. :shifty:" ~ cnc66
"There is no sweeter nectar, than the misery riddled tears of Jets fans." ~ Finascious D
Desidesforum_veteran11. The bodily proportions.
12. The music.
13. That time of the month. (Notice the numbering here.)
"Not you." — Tywin Lannister
Sethdaddy8forum_veterananal in general...those women act like its as simple and easy as washing their hands.
finyank13New Member"Sethdaddy8 wrote:
anal in general...those women act like its as simple and easy as washing their hands.
Those women are my heros...up there with Marino, and McCrystal....
“If you told me A-Rod flew on a spaceship from Mars to here, I wouldn't be surprised."--thephins.com poster Ray Finkle on A-Rod
NaboCaneNew Member"Sethdaddy8 wrote:
anal in general...those women act like its as simple and easy as washing their hands.
It's 90% mental. Women "don't like it" because they've made up their minds about it beforehand, or because they've suffered some drunken neanderthal's brutish attempts and are traumatized about it now.
Nabo: Come to my basement, sweetheart...
finyank13New Member"NaboCane wrote:
It's 90% mental. Women "don't like it" because they've made up their minds about it beforehand, or because they've suffered some drunken neanderthal's brutish attempts and are traumatized about it now.
Nabo: Come to my basement, sweetheart...
Your basement has to be the epicenter of everything that is good in America.....fully equiped with long thin ropes of red meat.....
if you go by the whole stupid middle name, name of the street thing, my porn name would be
Raymond Dellwood
quite possibly the best ever....
“If you told me A-Rod flew on a spaceship from Mars to here, I wouldn't be surprised."--thephins.com poster Ray Finkle on A-Rod
Sethdaddy8forum_veteran"finyank13 wrote:
Your basement has to be the epicenter of everything that is good in America.....fully equipment with long thin ropes of red meat.....
if you go by the whole stupid middle name, name of the street thing, my porn name would be
Raymond Dellwood
quite possibly the best ever....
Edward Chuckanutt
I kid you not.
finyank13New Member"Sethdaddy8 wrote:
Edward Chuckanutt
I kid you not.
Come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chuckanutt!!!
So tired of this review....
"Scene 2 is a spritely 2 on 1, with Edward Chuckanutt, and Ray Dellwood giving it......":lol:
“If you told me A-Rod flew on a spaceship from Mars to here, I wouldn't be surprised."--thephins.com poster Ray Finkle on A-Rod
Frumundah FinnaticNew MemberLet’s say you’ve been partying pretty hard before hopping into bed with some lucky girl. Perfect night right? Sure, until that five dollar handle of whiskey you killed in under an hour comes back to haunt you and you can’t “rise to the occasion”.
Beer dick has happened to me on more than one occasion, either I cant get it up or I cant put it down.
MonstBlitz;2232016 wrote:
It wouldn't surprise me if he is retained. Jeff Ireland is the nightmare that won't end. The **** stain you cannot flush. The Herpes for which there is no cure.
this was funny and interesting
DYNASTY
Pronunciation: \ˈdī-nə-stē
1. A succession of rulers of the same line of desent
2. A powerful group or family thats maintains its position for a considerable time
2 Out Of 3 Closest EVER To A Dynasty
Dol-Fan Dupreeforum_veteranThe average porn scene is edited together from 3 to 8 sex occasions. The average man doesn't last 30 minutes a pop.
Also most women do not want you to cum on their face.
Holland is a huge upgrade over McCain
I want to be alive, I am alive! Alive, I tell you! Mother, I love you, those are no longer just words. I want to hold you, I want to run in a stream, I want to taste ice cream but not just put it in my mouth and let it slide down my throat but really eat it. - Robot Morty
jetssuckNew Member"Frumundah Finnatic wrote:
Beer dick has happened to me on more than one occasion, either I cant get it up or I cant put it down.
He was talkin about if you were with a girl..................stoooopid
JS
anlgpNew Member"Sethdaddy8 wrote:
Edward Chuckanutt
I kid you not.
:sidelol:
ummm wow :lol:
Paul Garvey.
It sounds kinda..
anal gap-ish, doesn't it? :D
"A man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus, suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering great or little. Therefore, the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative." - Viktor Frankl
finyank13New Memberthis thread took such a sinster angle.....
“If you told me A-Rod flew on a spaceship from Mars to here, I wouldn't be surprised."--thephins.com poster Ray Finkle on A-Rod
AbideN703New Member"Dol-Fan Dupree wrote:
The average porn scene is edited together from 3 to 8 sex occasions. The average man doesn't last 30 minutes a pop.
Also most women do not want you to cum on their face.
I figured as much yet almost in every clip I've seen on the 'net, that's how it ends.
Oh and my porn name would be John Duke.
Paganforum_veteranMark Gillespie checking in...
".. hell you even have a fireman who rubs his balls on another mans head for three hours a week.. show some class, don't make fun of us poor Dolphins fans. :shifty:" ~ cnc66
"There is no sweeter nectar, than the misery riddled tears of Jets fans." ~ Finascious D
Section126luxury_box"Frumundah Finnatic wrote:
Beer dick has happened to me on more than one occasion, either I cant get it up or I cant put it down.
Worst move you can do.....
get the type of beer dick that makes you perform too well...as in....you can't finish....
Expectations are a bitch.
@Alf_Arteaga on Twitter
"Being a part of success is more important than being personally indispensable. .''...- Pat Riley
3 Yards per Carry on itunes:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/3-yards-per-carry-miami-dolphins/id1363764781?mt=2
3 Yards per Carry for Android:
https://threeyardspercarry.podbean.com/
MikeHonchosubscriber"Section126 wrote:
Worst move you can do.....
get the type of beer dick that makes you perform too well...as in....you can't finish....
Expectations are a bitch.
Indeed. It's a no-win.
Don't
and
Headcoach material wouldn’t want to work somewhere they’re not trusted with actual football decisions.
Paganforum_veteranYou think that's bad? Try
and
:pity:
".. hell you even have a fireman who rubs his balls on another mans head for three hours a week.. show some class, don't make fun of us poor Dolphins fans. :shifty:" ~ cnc66
"There is no sweeter nectar, than the misery riddled tears of Jets fans." ~ Finascious D
anlgpNew Member"Pagan wrote:
You think that's bad? Try
and
:pity:
soda and bone ;)
hopefully you put that **** down man it wrecked my dad's life for a good while
"A man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus, suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering great or little. Therefore, the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative." - Viktor Frankl
padre31luxury_box8. Sweat isn’t as cool in the real world: Alright so this one may be up for debate because many people are up for a passionate, sticky, sweaty romp, but somehow in porn it’s just always sexier. Lezley Zen glistens when a thin layer of perspiration and a lot of good lighting come together in harmony. But for the rest of us, if you focus on it, it’s just kind of gross. I’d like to have my hands other places than on my pillow wiping of your back sweat. And I’m sure all the girls out there could do without guys brow sweat momentarily blinding them while their men try to do their best Peter North impressions.
I call BS, and perhaps Buffy the Co-ed is frigid.
As for the article:
-Women do not heat up that quickly on average, just showing up does not turn the lady friend into a toaster oven, it takes some time..to make everything go right.
-As for the position thing, Buffy is kinda wrong again.
-I've found most women to be as wild, if not wilder, than the porno stuff, not the public viewing episodes as very very few women are into that, but everything from spanking to err...other things...most women wish to try stuff out.
-DDupree is right that "on my face stuff" is similar to the Acid Blood from Aliens, and if Buffy the Co-ed thinks ripping up Victoria's Secret gear is a hanging offense, she failed to mention what happens if that "in my face stuff" turn into "you got it in my hair" reactions...damn unpretty that..
-and finally, beware the lover who wishes to "try something out on you"..believe me...it does not end well..women and men have TOTALLY different mindsets..think one should never let the catcher become the pitcher..
-As for the whiskey hard on...like a woman it leaves you at the worst possible time...:D
'Nuff said.
anlgpNew Member"NaboCane wrote:
Hello, baby...I am
Lex Cream.
Come into my basement...
You've got to be ****ing kidding me :sidelol:
"A man's suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus, suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering great or little. Therefore, the "size" of human suffering is absolutely relative." - Viktor Frankl
I've never had an issue with tearing open the condom wrapper. I think I remember seeing a Seinfeld episode when I was younger about that and being nervous, however I've yet to have a problem.
Oh also you can call me Vincent Vespasian
Nappy Rootsforum_veteran"finsincebirth wrote:
I've never had an issue with tearing open the condom wrapper. I think I remember seeing a Seinfeld episode when I was younger about that and being nervous, however I've yet to have a problem.
Oh also you can call me Vincent Vespasian
I haven't either, but its probably because I don't use them!!!
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