[NOTE: Read as if you are thumbing through Dan Brown's newest story; random facts being extravagantly glued together. No? OK, how about a saucy romance novel with a Fabio-esque brute on the front cover caressing a hot-bodied redhead in loose (very loose) clothing atop a unicorn on a mountaintop while, in the background, the Ricola man blows in his alpenhorn (thanks Google!).] January 4, 2010: It's the day after the loss to the Steelers, ending a three-game losing streak in which, even prior to that game, the Dolphins team still had a chance of going to the playoffs. Head Coach Tony Sparano is behind the podium for his final press conference of the season. He is ostensibly downtrodden, but proud he stands in front of a mirage of beat writers and sports reporters ready to make a meal ticket off of the words about to be whipped from his gullet. His hair is thinner. New wrinkles line his forehead. He looks up through his spectacles and notices a scarlet in the back of the room vaguely resembling the woman from Grey's Anatomy, but now with her own spin-off, "What's the name of that damned show?" he mutters to himself. He also notices her blouse is unbuttoned one button too low. Sparano's mind races, and he begins to think that he, himself, is Cyrano de Bergerac and she is Roxane. He inches closer to the podium to not display his own 'protuberance'. In his head, he hears Sting and the Police, "Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light...." ____________________ Typical questions about the game are asked. Sparano notes that Pat White is fine after receiving a frontal lobotomy NFL style. He expresses his disappointment in how the season ended and puts sole blame on himself. His brow furrows when asked if he expects the entire staff to return. Sparano replies, "We'll see". He knows that they know that he knows that when he says those two seemingly nondescript words, there's gonna be some head bustin' [cue: Three 6 Mafia 'It's a Fight' lyrics]. January 11, 2010: Paul Pasqualoni is summoned to the round table into the high office of Miami Dolphins Headquarters. He enters the office not knowing what to expect. But just in case, Paul has sloppily written a set of criteria on a sheet of ripped notebook paper. He plans to show this to the Big Three once he takes his seat. On top of the sheet, the words "Check one" are written. Under the title, three boxes are drawn. Beside those boxes are the words: Yes, No, Maybe. ____________________ Walking into the large space, Pasqualoni immediately notices Sparano, who is expressionless and tight-lipped. He also sees that Sparano's moustache is asymmetrical. Odd... To Sparano's left is Bill "Big Tuna" Parcells, the meanest sonofagun east of the Mississippi. To Bill's left is a man who can only be described as a chubby accountant with glasses; AKA, "The Monkey". Before Paul could even show them what he had written, the Big Three's decisions have already been made. Sparano and Parcells hold out their hands with thumbs down. The chubby monkey accountant drove home the point by using sign language. His hands formed the universal sign for "poop", better delivered by the toddler in "Meet the Fokkers". ____________________ Paul pulls out the paper from his pant pocket, lets it go, and walks out of the office. It swirls like a feather towards the floor. It looms in the air for a very long time. When it finally hits the floor, The Monkey picks up the paper and places it into the cover of his favorite book, -Curious George. January 18, 2010: Mike Nolan is in his office working late. The fax machine buzzes and beeps. He was not expecting a fax this late at night. He picks up the paper from the machine's crate. It looks like a photocopy of a ripped sheet of paper. Three boxes were drawn on the paper. By the boxes, the words: Yes, No, Maybe. He looks at the number at the bottom of the facsimile. Area code 305. After checking the box and faxing the answer back to the sender, Mike Nolan went home to tell his wife the news. By 8AM the next morning, there were two moving receptacles in their drive. January 19, 2010: Josh McDaniels, the current head coach of the Denver Broncos, is in his office. He receives news from his right-hand man, “Scar”, that something is going down. Scar, better known as Steve Scarnecchia, quietly followed McDaniels to Denver since being unemployed because of the Spy Gate reports. Scar's personal life is a bit of a mystery, but what little is known is disturbing. His real name is Stefano Scarnecchia, and he is an Italian native who is reportedly the illegitimate son of Junio Velerio Borghese. The apple apparently did not fall far from the tree. One could piece together that Scar's involvement with McDaniels during the Spy Gate scandal was an integrated plan to catalyze the firing of Bill Belichick, giving rise to McDaniels' new title: Head Coach of the New England Patriots. The plan failed for the scheming McDaniels. ____________________ Scar slams a sheet of paper onto McDaniel's desk. After missing the playoffs, McDaniels went on a retreat to Lincoln, Montana, and returned only the day before. The result of the vacation being a wannabe beard on his face and a large stack of official papers on his desk yet to be reviewed. “We have a problem, Boss.” McDaniels examines the sheet. His mind is racing through the scenarios. “Typical Big Tuna fashion,” he murmurs. “We can take care of this, Boss. I know people.” McDaniels does not seem concerned. He really did not like Nolan anyway. His hiring was simply part of the plan. Job security. Besides, his blitzing ways were taking away media focus from his offense. McDaniels also did not want any part of the Big Tuna. He knew that stepping into his path means pure hell for his future NFL relations. Parcells had the NFL world wrapped around his pinky. He knows too many people. Besides, his friend Dean Pees was free to take the position. Nolan was gone, regardless. With a little slight of hand, he could secretly expose the Dolphins for tampering. He would let go of Nolan, relay to the media his utmost respect for the man, and let the cards fall where they may. It was all part of the plan. With the Big Tuna being ousted by NFL brass, the league would be his for the taking! He smiled to himself. He would finish what his friend Nick Saban could not, a total destruction of the franchise he has hated since childhood. January 11, 2010: After ousting Pasqualoni, the Big Three determined who would be on their short-list of potential defensive coordinators. Official requests for interviews were sent to their respective locations. A total of four were sent. One of the locations: Denver, Colorado.
You know, when stories go back in time...kind of the same concept. It's the somewhat anticlimactic, I know.
Awww, a one-star rating??? C'mon man, I put some love into this! I left it all out on the table! Can a brother get two stars?
WTF? Interesting, well written, but a little scattered. Simon Cowell says YES you're on to Hollywood!
'Preciate ya! I, uh....I think that's it. I really would not know what to add. I'd like to do something else similar later on. I simply had the free time to do it. I think, looking back on it, I could change a few things (scattered references), but I was trying to something like Carl Hiassen, but it did not quite hit the mark.
Thanks PR! Yeah, like I said to D7171, my inspiration was Hiassen, but it was a little off. First try at something like that. When I was at Ole Miss, I use to write essays and term papers for a little extra cash. That's more of my style. Thanks, though
