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Breakups

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by ScottishFin, Sep 25, 2019.

  1. ScottishFin

    ScottishFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Sorry to post my tale of woe but this is the best anonymous place I can get to post this story :(

    Flash back 18 months and I ran into a very old friend who I have know for 20+ years and one thing let to another and we started seeing each other. About 2 months into the relationship she brings up that she has had mental health issues and been hospitalised for bipolar disorder and depression prior to that. So I do my research and decide to keep going know it will be difficult and we get on very well by and large for the next year.

    I moved in with her about October 2018 and things were great , we liked the same things and all was going well until her son appeared back on the scene. He is mid 20s and has a few disorders caused by a difficult birth however the main issue is the shouting and screaming at his mother which I try to ignore and we move on and actually get on very well with him.

    During this year my fathers leukemia worsened and he is on heavier chemo now, my mother had a bowel cancer operation which she is now clear of cancer and I had 2 serious operations for a stranuglated umbillical hernia and a bladder issue and was off work for 3 months. I did my recovery at her flat as it was on one level, 3 weeks after getting a 50cm scar across mystomach her son appears and asks me for help lifting something , given my surgery i refuse and he goes off at her saying no one helps him , not realising that I am under medical instruction not to do anything. She sides with him and decides she doesnt want me there so I went to my mums (as I had given up my flat) , this lasts 2 days till i get a grovelling apology and we sort things out and I move back.

    Things are ok with her and her family until last week. Diffcult weekend with my parents both struggling with their chemo so I suggest we take them out for dinner on the Saturday, all goes well we have a good time and everyone is happy. Sunday appears and I had forgotten I was going out to watch football with my brother who I havent seen for a month, she appears to be ok with this and says son is coming for dinner, which is ok as I want to chat about going to see Joker with him. Everything passes ok although I end up having to clear up after everyone and make comment that im a bit annoyed he does nothing to help tidy up but she agrees and it passes. I go to clean the decking as she was taking him home. All good so far and I wander back round after 20 mins and find her crying at the front door with her dog. She had had a massive argument with the son who has stormed off. Go for walk with dog and calm her down and all is good.

    She decides to go to bed early, son calls her and starts yelling down the phone, I can hear this from the next room. She gets upset and starts crying and wailing that he is acting over the top about things. She comes off phone and I get her calmed down. An hour later he calls again and does the same thing, this time I have had enough of seeing the woman I love verbally and emotionally abused by her son so the red mist came down and while I dont have a full recollection I lost the plot a bit and said that he needed sorting out and if he continued to act like that I would sort him out. She is a bit taken aback as I am usually very quiet and mild mannered however this was just far too much to take and I was really upset about it.I apologise right away as its way out of character and she understands my anger and things appear to be ok.

    I go to work and come home Monday to a very unhappy looking partner and she brings this up, I apologies again and we agree that it was a one off and we both need to learn to deal with him better. Go for dinner and all is good and happy.

    Tuesday I am up early for wotk at 5am so I am away and I usually get a message when she wakens up but I dont get anything at all, so I message and get a few terse responses back. By now I realise all is not well so I leave work a bit earlier and head home. When I get home its all dark , no lights and blinds shut. She is crying in the living room and basically tells me to get out as she no longer loves me and says she is feeling ill and feels her depression coming on. Reluctanty I head back to my mums and try to contact her to see if this can be resolved. I finally get a response on Sunday and its only in reposne to a request to come get my stuff as I need clothes etc for work.

    I head over after work and everything I have there is in bags waiting for me :( I ask if there is any way we can resolve this once again and get a straight no, she never loved me and wants me out of her life. I get my stuff and head to my mums while trying to find somewhere to store everything.

    I accept there is little chance of us getting back together and accept this is partly my fault however one inappropriate comment should not be enough to throw away 18 months and something we had both sad we wanted to spend forever together :(

    My concern is that she will harm herself as she has done so in the past and that she may end up hospitalised again if she doesnt get some stability back in her life. She wont respond to any texts and has blocked my phone from calling her home number and I am genuinely concerned about her health. I dont know what to do here and TBH I just needed somewhere to post this that would really never been seen by anyone who knows us

    Thanks for reading my tale of woe and any advise on dealing with the pain of a breakup and how to help her when she wont let me would be most appreciated
     
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  2. #1 fan

    #1 fan Well-Known Member

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    I think you hit the nail on the head. Not even sure the comment was inappropriate either. This might be for the best, although I tend to think this way personally post-breaks ups. Hope things work out for you going forward; you sound like a compassionate and considerate person. As for fear of her harming herself, I would reach out to a mutual friend or family member and express that concern. Hopefully they can get through, if necessary.
     
  3. Galant

    Galant Love - Unity - Sacrifice - Eternity Staff Member

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    This is obviously a very personal and complex situation so I wouldn't want to suggest I know what needs to be done. But there are, I think, two things worth considering.

    1 - If you want to consider continuing the relationship you need to do so knowing that reactions like this might well be possible, and that issues with her son may never go away. These may be things you have to live and deal with, and maybe worse, and you'll be choosing that. It's not wrong, necessarily, but it may be quite difficult.

    2 - Having a relationship with her and concern for her health are two separate things. You may be concerned for her health but since you're not her husband/in a relationship with her, you're not responsible for her. There may be steps you can take to try to get her some help, but I would think it's wise to be able to draw a line. That sort of relationship would begin to look more like a parent/child or carer/patient relationship rather than a husband/wife relationship. You could maybe contact an organisation that works with these sort of scenarios to see if they have someone who can check on her. Or perhaps call the police. But be careful of being dragged in a situation where there is no actual relationship with her, and you're just caring for her 24/7.

    Just two thoughts.
     
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  4. ScottishFin

    ScottishFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Thanks guys appreciate the comments. I reached out to her earlier to make sure she was ok and she says she is which I am happy to hear. I think I will leave it at that for the time being and see what happens.
     
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  5. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    I have a slightly different take on things since I have a bipolar daughter who's currently in a similar situation. In her marriage of about 18 months, she's finally realized that she needs to work on some things in her life and she simply doesn't want to make any effort to be a wife. Her husband is devastated, of course, and he's doing everything he can to make up for upsetting her recently.

    The only problem is, he didn't do a single thing wrong. My daughter has the problem and she's putting him through absolute hell because she's a weak person.

    My best advice to you is not to walk away, but run as fast as you can. Your partner accepts the abuse from her son because she thinks it's deserved, and you trying to show him right from wrong forces her to choose sides (which she's too weak to do). The easy answer is to throw you out because then she doesn't have to deal with admitting that she raised a total jerk as a son. You may think that this is a one-time event but it will only continue over and over again...the son won't change and neither will she. It's exactly the same as "battered wife syndrome" and your spouse can't see that her son is doing anything wrong.

    So unless you want to sit back for years and feel miserable for something you have absolutely no control over, the only thing you can do is walk away. Because there's absolutely nothing you could ever do to make this situation better and it doesn't matter if you're standing up for her or not. She's the problem...not the son...and the only way the son changes is if the mother stands up to him. But I'm telling you, there's absolutely no way for you to get her to see that or understand it...she has to figure it out on her own.

    I'll leave you with one final thing, something my daughter's psychiatrist told me years ago that changed everything. He said, "You can't work harder than your daughter to help her because in the end, you're just enabling her to make no effort at all." That leaves you exactly one option in this situation- walk away. I know that's not what you want to hear but it's the only real choice.
     
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  6. ScottishFin

    ScottishFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Thanks KeyFin, that puts a lot of perspective on things for me, ive been looking back on a lot of things and starting to realise that I was a proxy for her mania and spending problems. I am fortunate enough to be paid well and dont have many money worries so when she wanted something I bought it for her. It cost me a fortune but at the time I was willing and able to do what I felt I needed to do to make sure she was well and mentally healthy.

    There was a lot of "i dont feel well today" which to me meant that she was feeling something that would trigger her somehow either high or low. Was this just to make me feel bad and look after her ? Quite often I would be at work from 6am back home at 6pm and she had sat on the couch all day and done nothing. I would then have to make dinner for us and her daughter (who is a genuinly special person for putting up with her family for so long and not losing herself to everything), walk the dog and tidy the house. I didnt mind doing it but your last comment about enabling her rings so true with a bit of hindsight.

    I still miss her like crazy , despite posting a lot of bad things it wasnt always bad. Gonna be a very difficult time getting though this, thankfully family and friends (and anonymous internet people :)) have been very helpful and listened to me and are helping as much as they can but by God this hurts worse than any other breakup ive had :(
     
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  7. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    I'm so sorry you're going through this and I completely understand- I'm going through it as well in a different way since it's my daughter (they broke up 4 days ago). If you have financial means, the one thing you can do is offer to pay for some counseling to help her work through this situation with her son....it won't help you any but it could help her in the long run. It's possible that her medications are off or she's not taking them; that's important for her to stabilize her mood but the therapy is what helps her cope and learn to make better choices when she's down.

    Unfortunately, in the weeks ahead your girlfriend will reach back out to you, acknowledge her mistake and ask you to come back. Naturally you'll want to rush back in with open arms and try to save the day....but there's nothing you can do to "save her." This is her battle and she's the only one who can conquer it, and she won't be capable of a serious relationship until she does. That leaves you with some really tough choices to make and you might want to talk to a mental health counselor yourself to better understand what she's going thru.

    The one positive I can tell you is that she probably didn't mean to hurt you and probably didn't fully realize how bad of a mistake it was to side with her son over you (which she technically didn't do...she rejected everyone to avoid making a choice). She's miserable on the inside most of the time and feels like it's her burden to carry alone since nobody could possibly understand it. It really, really sucks because she's just as much of a victim here as you are...she's probably not a bad person. But she does feel broken and alone, spending most of her life just trying to get thru the day. It's heartbreaking that anyone feels like that 24/7...but she does when her meds aren't working and she's not in counseling.

    My daughter started on this path around 13 or 14 years old and we've been through the ringer the past 7 years (she's 20 now), and I almost feel like a mental health pro since I've researched it so much and talked to so many doctors/counselors. The one thing I've learned through all of this is that nobody can make my kid better until she's ready to put in the work to get past it. And that's an impossible situation when she can't even imagine getting better...she sees no hope and gets by through living in the moment (which means she's horrible with money, relationships, employment, etc.). Her husband is just as devastated as you are and we're sort of taking his side in all of this because it's not his fault- he wasn't the "perfect husband", but he is a good guy with a good heart. And I keep telling him the same thing I'm telling you....it's not your fault and you can't second guess things.

    Your friends/family can't really give you good advice in this situation because they can't possibly understand your girlfriend...a lot of what she did would seem bewildering to others, while a professional will tell you it was a defense mechanism your girl developed to cope with situations she has no idea how to handle (like her a-hole son screaming at her). When that happens, she shuts down on the inside and just ignores life until she's past it...that's all she can do because it's like you trying to fend off a dinosaur or an alien. She has no answer to that because her mind can't process it....that's the main "problem" with mental health patients. So if you push her to get back together, she's only going to shut down more and push you away even faster. It really stinks but all you can do is support her and move at her speed.

    I wish you luck brother...and feel free to PM me anytime. Think about my advice though and check out a local therapy group for mental illness spouses/parents- that's a real thing since this is so common. You just need to realize that you did nothing wrong...even if you weren't perfect all the time.

    One other thing- like my comment when you read it or quote something I said so I'll know to look for a reply. I stink at remembering to look at these sub-forums (I honestly forget they're here most of the time). I'm really glad I saw your story this week though and I'm here for you.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2019
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  8. ScottishFin

    ScottishFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Thank m8 I really really appreciate your responses. It must be harder for you as its your daughter. I can largely remove myself from the situation and I have done so. I have sent her a message saying some stuff and that I will be there for her when she needs me.

    As much as I miss her and everything we did I am not sure if I could ever return there to hers but will have to cross that one if/when she gets in touch.

    I reached out to a consellor I last spoke with a couple of years ago when i was going through some bad times, I have arranged to see her this Thursday so hopefully she can settle my mind a bit and give me some pointers for slep help. Ive also enrolled in a get fit club to try lose some weight and feel better about myself and to give me something to focus on :) About time I looked after myself I think.

    Again I can never thank you enough for these posts, they have given me a lot of perpective on what to expect. If I ever make it back over to the USA I wil buy you beers :)
     
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  9. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    It is hard for us (more for my wife than me), but it's nowhere near as bad now once I accepted that I have no control over my daughter figuring out her life. All I can do is support her while putting boundaries in place and sticking to them. For instance, I pay for her cell phone but if she turns off the GPS locator so we can't see where she is, I'll cancel the cell phone plan immediately. I don't ever want to do that...but I have to since she has to learn there's consequences to actions.

    The gym should help you- I'm getting back to that myself to kill some extra pounds. Good luck with everything and try to stay positive...it will eventually get better!
     
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  10. ScottishFin

    ScottishFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Well we met up today, I was driving down the road and she was out with her dog. So I stopped and we had a chat, I asked her to go for a coffee she wouldnt commit and gave the old "I dont want to hurt you" reponse. We chatted some more and she basically blamed my outburst about her son for everything including something I said over a year ago that apparantly upset her , she used another line of "but hes my son" , sorry that doesnt wash with me after seeing the way he treats his family.

    I left the door open if she wishes to contact me but she is under no illusion I am pissed off with her for throwing away 18 months of goodness for 1 stupid outburst where I was provoked by her idiot son. I also made it clear I was not impressed by her sons behaviour and until either her or him sort that out they will never be happy or able to move on from things. I didnt lose my temper or accuse her just pointed out how I felt and how this had all affected my life. While I am still very bitter about it I am no longer upset as I realised she never actually knew me and really didnt give any ****s about me or my family.

    Thanks for your advice KeyFin I really apprecaited reading everything.
     
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  11. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    I'm really glad you were able to have that chat and get some sort of closure, plus tell her that you weren't okay with the son mistreating her. Unfortunately, that's all you really could do and it sounds like you handled it properly.

    I can't say if she knew you or not....it's really complicated. My daughter does some really dumb things at times that she knows will really make us angry, then she feels rejected when we punish her for it. In other words, she just doesn't get that there are rules in life and consequences if you don't follow them. That doesn't mean she doesn't love us though...she just processes things differently and never even considers the long term implications of her actions. And on top of that she will NEVER ADMIT that she made a mistake or hurt someone else....even if it's in her best interests to salvage that relationship. I think she's apologized to me twice her entire life, and once was for setting the living room on fire while playing with a candle.

    Again, it's really complicated and regular logic doesn't apply since your gal or my kid doesn't think like the average person. Hopefully you'll be able to move on and meet someone special- I really don't think it's in your best interests if this relationship works out since this will only happen again in the near future.

    Good luck brother!
     
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  12. Claymore95

    Claymore95 Working on it... Club Member

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    I went through a similar situation to you with an ex a couple of decades ago. She suffered from depression too, and was bi-polar and, like you, I ended up many days doing just about everything around the house for her and her 2 kids, after working a full day and overtime to try and provide for her needs. I loved her to bits though, and the good times were amazing, but the bad times (in hindsight) were pretty low. It ended when she met another guy when at her daughter's swim lessons and, to cut a long story short, she asked me to leave. I was devastated, as we'd talked about being together forever (had been with her for 4 years at that time) and she'd always said that I was the best thing that had happened to her and her kids.

    It took me a while to get over her, and I did stay in touch for a while as was worried about her and still wanted to do what I could to make sure she was ok. I was angry, yes, but still loved her and her kids and wanted to make sure they were ok.

    However, in hindsight, I can see that being away from her was the best thing that happened to me, and my own happiness/health. I never thought about it much at the time, but it was draining to always be trying to do everything to help her feel better. It's hard when you're in the middle of that kind of relationship to see what it's doing to yourself, and how you won't be the one that makes someone better, it has to come from them.

    It sounds like you're moving towards being in that place where you're getting over the breakup and being in a happier place, and I hope that you continue to get there.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2019
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  13. ScottishFin

    ScottishFin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Its not been easy TBH, I alternate between angry as hell and wanting to burst out greeting :( I really miss her badly but Im starting to see how doing everything for her was wearing me down and getting me into a bad place mentally. I dont miss the nonsense that was her family and I know the situation with her son has got even worse since I havent been there to stop him.

    She has completely blocked me now as I had asked her to sign out of Netflix on her TV so I could log on to my TV, still hasnt done it so I had to cancel the sub and setup a new one, she also had access to my Amazon Prime so thats been another email and password change to do. I had never realised that even in a relatively short space of time everything had become so intertwined :(

    Spoke to my counsellor last week and she was great and helped put some more perspective on things, going to go speak to her weekly for a few weeks until i get my head into a better place.

    @Claymore95 thanks m8 I really appreciate the reply and sorry you went through the same as I am going through but good to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel and its not a ****ing train :) It will take me some time but I will get there :)
     
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