COMMENTARY: The 4th Annual Phunwin Draft Day Diary

The Fourth Annual Phunwin Draft Day Diary
By Phil Unwin

Note: As always, my apologies to Bill Simmons, who remains my favorite sports columnist. As they say, imitation is the highest form of flattery.

We are LIVE from the Man Cave in Rochester, New York! This is the fourth year I’ve done this, but the first time I’ve done it from the vaunted Man Cave, my fortress of solitude, and the center of my football universe. The last two years, we did the draft at my buddy Kev’s house, and the year before, my wife and I still had our rather small apartment.

I must say, while I was initially distraught that the NFL moved the start time to 3 pm (I enjoyed having an excuse to start drinking at noon), it worked out. Because my wife is 31 ½ weeks pregnant, I don’t expect her to do anything more than eat, sleep, and convert oxygen into carbon dioxide. As a result, jobs like house cleaning and grocery shopping fall to me. I was done with all that stuff about 2 pm…even though I got up at 5:30 am. I’m writing this now from my poorly written notes, while drunk and somewhat delirious.

Anyway, we’ve got some ice-cold Sam Adams, Doritos, cheesy poofs and pizza and wings ready to order, so let’s get to it…

2:49 – Nick arrives. 11 minutes before draft time, but Nick hasn’t visited the Man Cave since the Super Bowl, which is somewhat depressing. I’m just glad to have a drinking buddy. He compliments my Dan Marino Pitt jersey, and I make my annual joke that it’s the last time we made a decent first round pick.

3:00 – Goodell does his draft intro and welcomes us to Radio City Music Hall. Thanks Rog. Nick sets the over-under for how long Miami’s pick will take at 7 minutes, 25 seconds. I always hate this. Why not just start the draft by announcing the damn pick? For crying out loud, he’s got a contract, he’s been introduced, and he’s probably been given a playbook to study. I’m about to call “over”, when Goodell says, “the Miami Dolphins select Jake Long, offensive tackle from Michigan.” Um, guess I’ll take the under. And Goodell’s stock goes up a couple points in my book.

Side note here: I’m not going to pontificate on the Long pick. Chances are, you’ve made up your mind by now. Either you believe he can be a top-shelf left tackle, or you think we wasted the #1 overall pick on a right tackle. Personally, I believe the former is true and that Long will be an excellent left tackle for the next decade, but if you don’t, I won’t harangue you and call you names, and I hope you’ll return the favor.

3:02 – Kev arrives. Kev’s unhappy that Miami made a pick I can live with at 1. He’s thoroughly enjoyed my memorable draft day tirades, like throwing a hat at the TV when Philly traded up for Shawn Andrews, or the hour of stunned silence that followed Ginn over Quinn, and most memorably of all, the “Eddie F---in’ Moore?!?!?!?” tirade that sent my cat scurrying under the bed for shelter. I’ll be honest with you; they could pick my unborn daughter at 32, and I’d keep a cool head and call it a good move. I just don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

3:04 – Jake Long interview. Scintillating isn’t the word. Seriously, it’s not. Nick says that Long should be able to look forward to an absolute cavalcade of hot Cuban women. Being young, rich and in Miami isn’t the worst fate in the world. And then we joke about Brady Quinn’s girlfriend and wonder if they’re still together. Miami passing on Quinn was the best thing that happened to their relationship.

3:10 – Kev puts it as well I as ever could: “Key looks disgusting.” Beige suit, pink tie and a green and white striped shirt with a barf green pocket square. That’s even worse than Merrill Hoge’s “Yipes Stripes!” outfit a couple years ago.

3:11 – Chris “The Chin” Long is being interviewed by Suzy Kolber. I mean, even Bill Cowher would fear that chin. Steely McBeam might not, but then, you don’t fear much after a fifth of Jack. There’s a cell phone mishap, and Chris says “it’s called vibrate”, and Suzy giggles. Guess we know who her date is tonight.

3:13 – My wife comes downstairs and says “you have TWO TVs going?” Kev responds, “this explains our luck with the ladies all these years.”

3:16 – NFLN is talking up Dorsey, while ESPN shows Ryan on the phone. THAT’S why we have two TVs! Guess it’s Ryan, since he gets off the phone and kisses his mom.

3:17 – ESPN doesn’t list Shaun Alexander as Seattle’s key loss, opting instead for their departed kicker. Ouch.

3:18 – It’s official, Matt Ryan to Atlanta. Awesome. The scouting report says his intangibles are off the charts. The same report says “too many interceptions”. Guess his tangibles are firmly on the low end of the charts.

3:20 – Kev: “Chris Long at 2, Matt Ryan at 3…did the ACC become a football powerhouse conference and I missed it?” Good point. I like Long a lot, but when the guy you’re most compared to is Mike Vrabel, I mean, “number one pick” aren’t the first words to my head.

3:22 – Chris Berman (sadly, he’s back for his 28th year covering this thing, or whatever it is) says that some team called “The ARGHKLAAND RAAAAAAAAAIDAHS!” are on the clock. Whoever they are.

3:27 – The sheet pizza and wings will be here in 45 minutes. It’s usually an hour. Wow, Roger Goodell even sped THAT up! He’s the best.

3:28 – McFadden to the Raiders. Damn. Wanted them to take Gholston. Not just to have him out of the AFC East, but because I have Michael Bush in a fantasy keeper league. Guess that pick’s worthless now.

3:30 – Tirico, Jaworski and Herbstriet are doing the secondary desk. Why aren’t these guys doing the main commentary? Seriously, who wouldn’t watch a team of those guys plus Mel Kiper over the gang of idiots at the main desk?

3:32 – They show (not for the first or last time) that Under Armour ad where they’re working out at the Under Armour prison. Kev wants to know how you show an ad with Ray Lewis and not have Lewis be the guy giving the crazed motivational speech. Good point.

3:33 – Uh oh, satellite problems. I pray that the cable networks will get the NFL Sunday Ticket soon; I’d dump DirecTV in a second if they did. A bad thunderstorm interrupts the service. Nick says that a blank screen is still better than watching Chris Berman. Good call. We call up the NFL Network online. Before giving me the draft feed, they pimp NFL.com in an ad. Um, morons, I’m already there, you don’t need to hustle me to get my business.

Somewhere in here, the Chiefs take Glenn Dorsey. Great pick. Adam Schefter reports a rumor that the Saints offered two #1s and a #2 for this pick. How do you turn that down?

3:40 – Satellite’s back, just in time for the ESPN cameras to spotlight some of the finest examples of social promotion and the general failure of New York and New Jersey public education. And by that, I mean Jets fans. Seriously, what do the “crowd shots” at the draft add, apart from some double-digit IQ dipsticks hooting and hollering in their Richard Todd throwback jerseys? Someone once asked me if I wanted to go to the draft, and I responded “not if there was a gun pointed at my head”. Why in God’s name would you ever spend a weekend with these people unless you’d been kidnapped? Jets pick Gholston, of course. The one guy that Jake Long had problems with in college, and we’ll play him twice a year. Great.

3:50 –After seeing Leodis McKelvin mentioned, Kev says, “there’s a cornerback named McLovin? That’s superbad!”

3:51 – New Orleans trades up for Sedrick Ellis. Nice move. You have to assume New England wanted Dorsey or Gholston badly.

3:52 – Kev and I argue over Baltimore trading down to take either Joe Flacco or Chad Henne. Kev argues for Flacco and says, “anytime Chad Henne’s on the same field with Troy Smith, he loses”. Ouch.

3:55 – Another trade, and Baltimore trades down…with Jacksonville?!? And they take Derrick Harvey. They give up both thirds and a fourth. Well, so much for a Jason Taylor trade there.

4:00 – ESPN has a cool new feature this year: Mel gives his grade to the pick, and the fans give theirs. Of course, the silly part is that ESPN lists it as “Fan’s Grade”, which would technically mean one singular fan giving his grade. In the case of Jacksonville, that might not be far off, though. Mel’s not impressed and gives it a C-. The Jacksonville Fan hasn’t voted yet.

4:01 – From left to right, the ESPN table is Mel, Mort, Key, Young and Berman. Wow, they get worse from left to right! Pretty convenient arrangement. Of course, if Berman’s on youtube, he’s somewhat better. At least better than Young and Key.

4:04 – Keith Rivers on the phone with the Bengals. He’s smiling. Kev asks, “never been to Cincy, huh kid?” Lan’s waiting for him to start discharging firearms in the air. There’s a delay in announcing the pick, and he wonders if the Bengals rep was arrested on the way to the podium.

4:05 – Can’t write, eating.

4:40 – And we’re back. In the meantime, Mike and his wife Shannon, Browns fans both, arrived. Lan’s lost 48 pounds, and we’re proud of him. He jokes that he’s on the Darfur diet. Bad news, though: that ends with a bullet in the head.

4:42 – Joe arrives, and gives a new perspective on Key’s wardrobe choice: “it’s like he fell out of a plane and crashed through LL Bean and Armani warehouses”.

4:44 – Yet another trade, this is awesome! The Chiefs are trading up for Brendan Albert. He’s clearly not enthused, so Nick says “tell him there’s barbeque there, that should perk up any offensive lineman.” Good call. We discuss the best cities in the NFL for offensive linemen. We opt for KC, Nashville and Dallas. Green Bay just misses the cut, as we decide that Texas barbeque brisket trumps sausage and cheese. Your mileage may vary, however.

4:51 – Arizona on the clock. Nick: “even Arizona fans don’t care about this pick.” Key says, “they’re starting to turn the corner.” Whatever. I’ll believe it when I see it.

4:52 – Discussion on statutory rape and the age of consent in New York. I’ll spare you the details.

4:55 – Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie to Arizona. Amazingly, Key called this pick. Nick says “when Key calls a pick right, it’s time to call it a day”. Shannon sees his picture and asks “is he 14?”

4:57 – Gosder Cherilus to Detroit? WOW! Kev: “and Matt Millen scores again!” The singular Detroit Lions fan participating in ESPN’s poll grades it an F. No argument here.

5:00 – Mets win. Woo-hoo! Eat it, Braves fans!

5:01 – Another trade! Please be Flacco, I don’t want the Phins to get tempted by him. Amazingly, Flacco’s handed a Baltimore hat before the pick is even announced, and before he’s off the phone. OK, now I’m hoping it’s not Flacco. That would be the most delightfully awkward television moment since that episode of the Tom Green Show where that hair rocker chainsawed Tom’s desk and then they had to jam together. Nope, turns out it’s Flacco. How’d they get the hat so fast? Did his agent have 32 different hats on hand? Did they just have a few select hats? And if so, which other ones? I’m filled with questions. Flacco’s growing a fine unibrow, and his highlight reel is somewhat unimpressive. We see such great skills as “rolling out and throwing when your offensive line buys you half an hour of time” and “strongarming throws into double coverage”. Mike and Shannon both ask if he played for Michigan. Seriously, could Delaware come up with another helmet? Kev says the Ravens just drafted Bubby Brister, and sure enough, there’s a montage of prominent Division 1-AA/II/FCS/Whatever it’s called QBs and sure enough, there’s Bubby Brister.

5:10 – Yet another trade! Carolina’s on the clock, got to be Henne or Brohm. Nope, it’s Jeff Otah. Chris Berman says “Large”, and then kicks it to someone who knows what they’re talking about.

5:13 – There’s a salute to the military on stage. All five branches of service are there: Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard and the University of Texas. Who the hell let the kid in the Earl Campbell jersey on stage with those soldiers, sailors and airmen in full dress uniform?

5:16 – Devin Thomas is on the phone. Looks like he and his bling are headed to Tampa Bay. That’s a sweet looking watch. Meanwhile, DeSean Jackson’s watching TV, sees Thomas on the phone and checks HIS phone. Shannon says “aw, that’s cute!” I’m going with pathetic, actually. And by “pathetic”, I mean “more than a little like me in my college days, after I left a phone message on a girl’s answering machine”.

5:20 – Nope, it’s Aqib Talib. That was weird. Probably more weird for Thomas, though. And certainly for Jackson, who’s apparently waiting for his prom date to call.

5:24 – Discussion about super powers. I opt for mind control. Shannon wants the ability to run a 4 second 40 yard dash. Um, okay.

5:27 – Redskins make a trade! For Jason Taylor? No, of course not. It’s to Atlanta, and they pick Sam Baker and his neck hair. Someone says he looks Amish, another says he looks like a Viking. Ultimately, we decide he’s the first ever Amish Viking. Somehow, this turns to a predictably awful Mike Vick conversation. Eventually, it turns to the thought of Vick in his prison cell and a reporter asking if he likes the pick for Atlanta. Nick puts Vick’s possible response as eloquently as anyone could: “is he going to rape me in the shower? No? Then I like it.”

5:32 – Ed Werder’s in Dallas. Oh thank goodness.

5:50 – Titans on the clock. Now, if you had a young, somewhat excitable quarterback who has pretty much no one to throw to, wouldn’t you look for a receiver? Maybe someone he already had a comfort level with? Wouldn’t Limas Sweed make all the sense in the world here? Of course he would, so it makes perfect sense that they take…Chris Johnson. For the second straight year, the Titans pick a workout warrior running back. Smooth. The Titans Fan grades it an F, and I agree.

5:56 – DeSean Jackson has TWO phones, and neither one’s ringing. If I had a support group for guys who’ve dealt with rejection, I’d give him a ring. Of course, he could probably have almost any piece of *** of his choosing in the Bay Area and is poised to earn millions of dollars very soon, whereas I spent my college years playing beer pong with my fraternity brothers most every weekend…so you know what? Screw him and his faltering self-confidence. Anyway, Seattle’s on the clock. Henne? Kev says “keep dropping his name, Phil, you’ll be right eventually.” Dallas trades up…okay, it’s obviously not Henne.

6:00 – Mike Jenkins to San Fran. Young says “he was obviously next.” Nice job of Monday Morning Quarterbacking there, Steve. I’m sure Peter King’s afraid for his job.

6:03 – NFLN lists “won’t block” on Dustin Keller’s profile. Well, then.

6:05 – Kev wonders where Calais Campbell is, and trumpets his huge size. I counter with his small heart. Kev counters that the money is big in the NFL. I see. So in college, when he was playing for a huge NFL contract, he took entire games off, so now that he’s getting a big paycheck, that’s going to fix everything.

6:06 – Duane Brown to Houston. I like him, but his climb up the charts is nothing short of amazing.

6:07 – Miami trades Lorenzo Booker to Philly for a 4th. So, we turned Lorenzo Booker into Anthony Fasano and Akin Ayodele. Hard to complain about that. Sort of ends the debate about how to find time for Booker in the backfield.

6:11 – Ad on NFLN or Berman talking on ESPN. Guess the ad’s the way to go.

6:16 – Lawrence Jackson to Seattle! Wow, that means Groves, Henne and Brohm are all still on the board and at least one will be there for Miami. Nice.

6:20 – San Fran passes on Groves. Kentawn Balmer instead.

6:22 – The Packers trade their pick to the Jets. Thank goodness for that, I thought for sure we’d get 10 solid minutes of Berman verbally fellating Brett Favre. Jets take Dustin Keller and his unwillingness to block. More shots of Rhodes scholar Jets fans.

6:27 – Rich Eisen says “Jets fans get nervous when they hear about drafting a tight end.” Nick responds “Jets fans are confused. They don’t know who he is or what he means for their team.” Jets fans start filing out after this, since they have no more picks, and the median IQ of Radio City Music Hall increases 10 points.

6:28 – Kev said that some sportscaster shattered the unintentional comedy scale as we know it today, saying “Kobe always scores in Denver!”

6:34 – The GEEEEEEE Men are on the clock. Thanks again, Steve Spagnuolo. Roger Goodell sucks up to the home crowd by calling them the Super Bowl Champions. I don’t blame him, I’d do the same thing. And the pick is…Kenny Phillips! Yes! The streak is alive, baby! Kev: “He’s not Sean Taylor. At least I hope he’s not Sean Taylor.” So does he.

6:37 –Miami’s on the clock and Brian Brohm’s on the phone? Wow! Mike Mayock says “Bill likes big, sloppy linemen.” I don’t even have a joke here.

6:39 – Miami picks….Phillip Merling! WOW! Great grab, tremendous value. I completely forgot he was on the board. Love it. Absolutely love it.

6:50 – Berman continues to reach new lows. Nick observes that he interrupted trenchant analysis to say “they’ve got the walk sign on the crosswalk”. Why on earth don’t I just put the NFLN draft show on, turn ESPN off, and be done with it?

6:52 – Jordy Nelson goes, and Kev comments that he had 122 catches last year. No way, that’s got to be a misprint….nope, it’s a fact. How on earth do you catch that many passes in a 12 game college season? Wouldn’t someone think of, I don’t know, double coverage at some point?

6:53 – Unprintable conversation about Herm Edwards and a marginally attractive female reporter.

6:59 – Yet another trade. What a day! John Carlson to Seattle. His 40 yard dash time is reported as 4.8 seconds. Kev: “I hope he can block.”

7:05 – Ron arrives. I offer him a Sam Adams, and he makes sure it’s not a Cranberry Lambic before drinking it. The Sam Adams holiday 12 pack has 5 great beers and some concoction called Cranberry Lambic, which is arguably the most vile beer I’ve ever tasted. Nick and I were sharing one of these during a football Sunday, and both thought the Lambic was just awful. So, we did the only rational thing: told Ron it tasted great and handed him one.

7:25 – On the highlight video, the football being thrown is highlighted. Ron: “don’t catch that! He’s throwing you a lightning bolt!”

7:26 – Vikes take Tyrell Johnson, with Henne and Brohm on the board. They must think more of Tarvaris Jackson than anyone I know.

7:31 – Matt Forte to Chicago. See above. Kev: “just say it – we made this pick because Cedric Benson sucks.”

7:36 – Henne says “I’m just trying to enjoy it.” Yeah, he looks like he’s enjoying it. He looks like he’s about 2 minutes away from punching out his agent.

7:50 – I guess DeSean Jackson finally got a call from his prom date. Good for him.

7:55 – Kev mentions sociology, and my cat starts sneezing repeatedly. I know, sociology makes me sneeze too, Phoebe. This segues into a discussion about Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton. Kev’s disappointed that Clinton would have stooped that low, after his hero, JFK, nailed Marilyn Monroe. Nick says, “hey, Monica brought him a pizza.” No, it’s booze that makes you pretty. Pizza just makes you full.

8:01 – Malcolm Kelly to the Skins, and he’s completely bewildered. I mean, totally lost. Can’t blame him, I mean, he’s now the third receiver they’ve taken (Devin Thomas and Fred Davis). The Skins do know they need someone to pressure the QB, right?

8:07 – Groves to Jacksonville in another trade up. Oh well.

8:25 – Winding down at this point. Brohm to Green Bay. Phins are on the clock.

8:29 – Chad Henne’s on the phone! And he’s the pick, yes!!!

8:39 – Henne interview with ESPN. He talked to everyone but Bill Parcells, it seems, which is interesting. He looks forward to competing with John Beck. Nick thinks that had all the charisma and charm of a hostage interview.

8:50 – Martellus Bennett to Dallas. Mel Kiper says, “they like to have 2 tight ends.” Um, then why did they trade Anthony Fasano? They trade one guy as part of a deal to get a fourth, then spend a SECOND for another backup TE? Wayne Jerrell Jones…draft genius.

8:55 – The Giants close it out with Terrell Thomas, passing on Dan Connor for some reason I can’t quite fathom.

All in all, a fantastic day one for Miami. I can’t seriously imagine day one going much better than this. The only drawback was their inability to trade Jason Taylor, but it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. Maybe something can be worked out tomorrow, involving a third and a 2009 pick. However, I can think of worse fates than having to keep Taylor.

And with that, I’m going to bed. Good night all.

 

Thanks for the love, all!