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Could use some advice...

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by Seeking Answers, Nov 5, 2009.

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  1. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Long story short:

    When I was younger, I hooked up with an older woman. She was my boss and things got a little odd after that, so we both went our seperate ways...

    About 8 months later, an old (notoriously ful of crap) friend of mine tracked me down and told me that she was pregnant with my child.

    I had no way to track her down (she was out of the country), and I didn't believe my friend anyway... But that thought has been in my head ever since.

    So, I'm looking up random folks on Facebook recently and decide to put in her name. Lo and behold, she turns up. Her profile pic is of her kissing a girl I assume is her daughter.

    Her daughter looks an awful lot like me and looks to be the right age to potentially be my child, too...

    I guess what I'm asking, then, is should I try to contact her? (The old flame, not the daughter...) I'd like to find out one way or another, but I also don't want to ruin any relationships...

    -Confused
     
  2. Ultra

    Ultra Lazy

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    maybe send her a friend request and see if she accepts it. If she does you may be able to find out about the father from her profile info
     
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  3. mor911

    mor911 pooping

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    Run, don't look back.
     
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  4. Stitches

    Stitches ThePhin's Biggest Killjoy Luxury Box

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    This. There's a reason I call myself Mike Morgan when I'm out of town for work. :shifty:
     
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  5. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    do you want this responsibility right now? And it's ok to say no. She may not want you involved or she may have wanted a child and saw you as a viable donor. She had the choice of keeping it or not so it might be something she's had planned and timed for. Best to leave it alone. You'll have other opportunities to raise a child when everything is right and as a happy family. For now, think of it as going to a sperm bank, only not getting paid for it. LOL. If she wants you to know about the baby, she'll let you know.
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
  6. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    :lol:
    Meh....So Mike Morgan can use the ole pull out method of birth control I see. :groucho:
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
  7. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Well, this is the thing...

    It was many years ago. There is no child raising to do... If the girl is of my blood, she's 19. I'd just really like to get to know her if she is my daughter... Well, if she has any interest in getting to know me...

    I do have kids with my current wife, and she knows there is this possibility of another child in my life... Has known for as long as we've been together, in fact...

    It's just a messed up situation... :pity:
     
  8. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    if your wife is cool with it, I say ask. Whats the worst that can happen? It really depends on if you want another child in your life and if you are willing to now be apart of that childs life, which means yes you will have to deal with questions, as I'm sure you know.
     
  9. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    the daughter MAY be resentful, and may expect something from you......just be prepared for everything that may come with it
     
  10. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    if the daughter doesn't know and she's 19, then leave it be. This will sound harsh so I apologize, but there is absolutely no need to flip her world upside down for your own selfish needs. If she has someone she already knows as her father, than it should stay that way.

    Unless she is a trouble child who is longing for her donor dad to make her life complete, than do not open this can of worms. Once you start it, you can't go back and it's her emotional livelyhood at stake. And if you're not prepared to make up for 19 years of missed BDays, graduations, Xmases, 1st boyfriend, etc, then you definitely don't contact her bc you can only approach her with the intention of being her true full time dad.... which will be hard on your current kids. If you can't be willing to give it 100% then you could really destroy her. Just food for thought.
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
  11. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    I can understand all that, but I'm not going to contact her directly... I just want to know one way or another if I am her father. I'll respect the wishes of her mother... If she doesn't want me involved, I can do that. I just want to know. For all I know, her mother told her her father died, or left her for a man, or some other crazy crap like that. I definitely don't want to cause any sort of problems, but I think just knowing would help me...

    It's the uncertainty that's kicking my ***.
     
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  12. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    yup i'd say contact the ex and find out. you need closure for yourself.

    what happens after that is up to the mother, you, and the daughter.

    good luck.
     
  13. Muck

    Muck Throwback Uniform Crusader Retired Administrator

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    Perhaps contact her via Facebook with all the necessary prefaces at the beginning and apologies at the end. Letting her know that you don't want to upset any relationships and will stay away for the girl's sake.

    Maybe private message her (re)introducing yourself first and saying you need to talk to her. Then get to it in the next message.

    Basically, "I know this is crazy......full of crap friend tracked me down.....I haven't been able to shake it for 20 years......I apologize for contacting you like this.....I just need to know so I can close that chapter of my life.

    If she has a sympathetic bone in her body, she will give you an answer.

    I must ask though: are you prepared for anything other than 'yes'? If she says no, will you believe her? Can you take her at her word and let it go? It's possible she could lie to you. You haven't seen her in 20 years, who knows what she's like. Who knows what kind of life she's built -- real or facade -- and if she's prepared to tear it down by telling the truth.

    And if she says yes but stay away, can you see yourself letting it slide for the rest of your life?
     
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  14. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    You could always get a DNA test done if you want to be absolutely positive.

    That is if it's allowed by the woman and daughter in question.
     
  15. Boik14

    Boik14 Admin Club Member Retired Administrator

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    Can she hit you up for back alimony? Im truthfully not sure about this but if she can I might say stay away. Far away. Unless youre prepared to possibly face that. Its messed up but with things the way they are economically...

    Are you prepared for whatever answer she gives? The guilt you will inevitably feel for missing her first 19 years if it is yours? Is your friend prepared for the inevitable smack in the head if hes just joking around as it seems he/she usually is?

    Thats in addition to the other questions that have been raised by Muck and Todds.
     
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  16. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    In my opinion Muck's advice is spot on! What answer would you believe? Will everyone stand still for DNA testing? Are you prepared for all the emotions that may come?

    With respect, so far this is all about you and your feelings. Is that enough to make a move into other's lives?

    However there is one other matter to consider. What about genetics for medical questions? Is there something about you and your family history that a child should know for genetic purposes? That would be a valid reason to try and contact the mother, not the child, at least to begin with.
     
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  17. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    I find some of the responses in here scary. What ever happened to personal responsibility? This is not directed towards the OP who did not know that they possibility had a daughter, but towards everyone that said run away or keep away. If there is the possibility that she is it your child then it will not hurt to contact the Mom and try to feel out the situation. She may not be your daughter and even if she is she may not want or be ready for contact with you. But, that should be her choice.

    There is nothing more important than family and if she is your child and that was kept from you (and possibly her) doesn't mean that you should ignore the possibility now. Again, this doesn't mean that she is ready for it now, but she will know everything if/when she is ready. And in the long run I believe that you will both be better off for it.

    Also, it sounds like it is really weighing on your mind. If you ignore it, it will not go away. Plus, regardless of the outcome, it is the right thing to do.
     
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  18. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    That's a good idea. Pay some little kid 5 bucks to pluck a hair from her head. :yes: Great way to find out the truth while remaining anonymous.
     
  19. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    Sorry, but I would whole heartedly & respectfully disagree with part of this. If she has grown up knowing and believing that someone else is her birth father, and she is happy, then there is no reason to flip her world around. If this is the scenario, there is not a void in family b/c she in fact would have a Dad who HAS raised her and been there for her.... so in this case your "there is nothing more important than family" argument would shift to the loving, supportive, family that she already knows, not the one she doesnt. In your argument, this happy family now possibly becomes torn apart. Now where's the "nothing's more important than family"? It's possibly gone, and without the guarantee of being recovered.

    Movies paint a much prettier picture than reality. The fact is- that if this is indeed the scenario, then this could ruin many relationships and lives: relationship with "pseudo" dad and daughter; mom and daughter as she now resents mom for not telling her the truth even though maybe mom never really knew the true father in the first place; Phins father and his current kids as they now possibly feel neglected while Dad is trying to repair relationship with long lost daughter; Phins father and wife as she begins feeling that her family is neglected; Pseudo Dad and Mom as he finds out that he's not really her father. Cinema always give this a happy ending.... not so much in real life though b/c you cant prescript the outcome.

    Yes, I agree that you can feel it to see if it warrants getting involved into her life (it's not like it will surprise mom much b/c she already knew she slept with him).... and yes, normally it should be "that person's decision to make", but that's not a very fair decision to force on someone whose life might be happily in perfect order. Some things are best left untouched. It's not always about what's the truth, but about what you perceive. If she's "perceived" one person as being her wonderful father for 19 years, then he IS her father and should remain that way. You don't take someone who's happy (if this is the case) and risk making their life unhappy and void of purpose and meaning b/c they now feel everything about them is a lie, no longer knowing who they really are.... as they begin feeling that this person they've been the past 19 years might be a artificial sense of themselves. At a time when someone should be entering adulthood and squaring away the rest of their lives, she could be left struggling to find out her "new" identity, serioulsy jeapordizing her future.

    If the girl has some issues, doesn't really have a father as she knows it, and seems to have been missing that special father figure in her life and needs equal closure (despite some early turmoil from doing so), then she needs to be contacted to help her feel complete. If she has a "father" that she udderly despises and such father knows that she's "not his seed", then she needs to be contacted.... as the last thing she needs in life is to feel that she's not worthy of her "father's" love, hence leading a life of troubled relationships and emotional problems. In this case, Phins Dad can become the hero that rescues her existence. LOL.
     
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  20. Boik14

    Boik14 Admin Club Member Retired Administrator

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    Personal responsibility is extremely important but is it more important than the feelings of guilt, abandonment, and sorrow both sides will feel? If this potential daughter is perfectly fine, why not wait til there is a more stable period in her life then college where things can go horribly wrong and she could be distracted from school and fall in to the wrong crowd?

    For the OP, he has to be prepared for all of the possibilities, emotional, financial and otherwise that could come out of making such a decision to contact the possible mother. If you go in to a situation like this with the idea of simply doing the right thing his own world may get rocked quite a bit. Put yourself in that situation of having a family and then finding out you had a kid out of wedlock and all the morals and values you preached to your kids over the years and ask yourself how you expect that stand up when you didnt follow them yourself? How does the OP think his own kids will react to possibly having another sibling by a different mom?

    I agree there is nothing more then family but there is more to consider here then just 3 people (mom, OP, and child); theres the possible psuedo dad and the original poster's own family (Immediate and extended). They may get shaken quite a bit by such a discovery as well. You have to think about how your actions affect those around you. Clearly, a lot of feelings are at stake in something like this. :wink2:
     
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  21. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    I understand what you are saying. And I can understand that point of view even if I don't necessarily agree with it. But, who gets to decide what information she gets. She is an adult now and should be allowed to have all of the information so she can decide for herself (assuming of course that there is anything to this anyway). I would not want someone else making that decision for me. I would rather have all of the information then struggle through to determine how I feel about everything myself.

    I've been through kind of the reverse situation from her. I had a half-sister show up when I was in my early teen's then another when I was in my 20's. Both of them from long before I was born. I even found out I was not the first Son named Charles. :no: But, I'm glad I know all of these things and it was my choice what to do with them. I'm very close to one sister, not at all to the other and have never met or contacted the other Charles.

    And, it is just my opinion, but I believe that he and his possible daughter have the right to know. It doesn't mean that anything has to be done about it. And, lets face it, it is going to be a rocky start no matter what. But, I still believe it is the right thing to do.

    To the OP, that said, please fell free to disregard anything that I say and do what you think is best for yourself. :up:
     
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  22. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Sorry, if I'm coming across a little strong here. I think my views were shaped by my sisters looking up my dad later in life and seeing what they went through to find out about him, then to find him. Only to have him not really care or feel anything for them. Seeing that just drove home the point that this is not how it should be. And even though he didn't really care about the consequences of his actions I will care about mine.

    Plus I have an 7 1/2 month old baby girl (my first child as far as I know j/k) at home now and am perhaps a little over emotional about the whole subject. :)
     
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  23. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    But she can't replay her last 19 years with bio-dad to see if this is a good decision or not. What Boik added makes the most sense. You wait until she's reached a point of stability in her life if things are already going good for her. If she doesn't know she has another father out there, than the thought is never going to cross her mind about how incomplete her life is b/c her biological father isn't the one who raised her. Tons of people donate sperm and eggs, but they don't track down the future baby to see how it grew up and tell her/him that this person is actually their father. Some times it's just best to be happy that you gave something life, and leave it at that. Is it worth "potentially" building up 1 relationship if it "potentially" means tearing down numerous others in the process? Not sure casualties of war exist in this scenario. LOL.

    I have a half sister whose mom ran off with her when she was a baby.... I was maybe 10 at the time. Jennifer's mom married a nice guy who raised her as his own and that's all that she's known. My father wanted to see her before he passed away and I forbid him to do so b/c I couldn't watch my sister's life be turned into chaos for his own selfish reasons. My father was out of my life for most of it.... years at a time.... during the early years when it's important to have a father around..... when you actually refer to this person as "father". He wanted to come back into my life later on, but you can never feel as though this person is truly your father b/c a true father is the one who raises you. If I had never seen him before, then I could care less if he told me he was my dad b/c he wasn't there for all the things that qualify him for this title. After 19 years of absency, your bio-dad will seem more like an extended relative than a father. It's a very odd and uncomfortable situation b/c the parent will usually feel a stronger tie to the child than the child to the parent, leaving an unbalanced relationship. The parent tries to be the parent and the child wants nothing to do with it.

    Like Boik and I said.... and I feel very strongly about this: if she is in a positive place right now, you wait to confront her until her life is stable enough to handle the worst, b/c in this case you don't know how she'll take it. No if, ands or buts about it. You absolutely don't mess with a kid's future. If you've waited 19 years, you can wait a few more, while keeping a watchful eye from the sidelines.

    If she's in a negative place right now and could use a father figure to straighten out her life, then it might behoove you intervene. Maybe she's still the little girl inside who didn't have a chance to fully grow up b/c she lacked the daddy she desperately desired. By all means, contact away!!

    Find out her current situation, health, emotions, spirit, etc and then make your decision from there.
     
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  24. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    I understand your point of view. And who knows what the right thing to do is. I just disagree with you making the decisions for her, however well your intentions are. I guess that we will just have to agree to disagree. :knucks:
     
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  25. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    I agree in part that she deserves to know, but bc of the sensitivity of the issue there needs to be a time and place for it.

    Yes, she deserves to have the decision about how she reacts to having a biodad (does she make him a part of her life etc)..... but at the same time you're making the decision for her about letting her know about biodad in the first place. Maybe she would prefer to not know about him and is perfectly happy with her current life. IE: what if you ask someone who knows one person as a father or grew up without one period if they would want to be told if someone else was their dad etc? What if they said "no"?
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
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  26. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    The depth of emotion from the personal experiances of both Todds and Go should tell all of us how careful any attempt at contact would need to be. If you start at all, start with the Mom and proceed with the other folks in mind cautiously from there!
     
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  27. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Definitely a lot of info from all of you, particularly Go and Todd. Thanks.

    A lot to digest, but I think you guys have given me all the information I need to make the decision. I thank you all for that.

    I'll let you guys know how things went once I get my decision made.

    Thanks again. :up:
     
  28. Boik14

    Boik14 Admin Club Member Retired Administrator

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    Best of luck with whatever you decide. I hope things work out for the best :up:
     

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