Don't Even Reply

BlameItOnTheHenne · Feb 21, 2011

http://www.dontevenreply.com/

SICK · Feb 21, 2011

love the parrot one.

MikeHoncho · Feb 21, 2011

The goldfish sitter one is gold.

SICK · Feb 21, 2011

lmeister3 said:

The goldfish sitter one is gold.
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pun?

MikeHoncho · Feb 21, 2011

SICK said:

pun?
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Wordplay is overrated. There is no money in it so I'm not going to take credit for it.

MikeHoncho · Feb 21, 2011

proxy ftw.

McLovin · Feb 21, 2011

Aqua4Ever04 said:

Blocked at work. Damnit!
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don't you have internet at home yet?

BlameItOnTheHenne · Feb 21, 2011

Aqua4Ever04 said:

Blocked at work. Damnit!
Click to expand...

I'll post one

Suspicious Carpet Buyer
Posted at: 2010-02-27 00:13:38
Original ad:
I need a whole roll of carpet doesnt matter what kind will pay cash i need it fast

From Me to ***********@*************.org:

Hey,

Do you still need rolls of carpet? I have a deal worked out with a carpet wholesaler and can get you as many carpets as you need.

Thanks,

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

yeah I just need one how much do you want for it

From Me to *********@comcast.net:

I am asking $50 for the roll of carpet. It sounds like you also need some cleaning supplies. Luckily, I also sell gloves, mops, buckets, spray bottles, garbage bags, as well as disinfectants, odor removal chemicals, and enzyme solvents, in case you are interested in any of that.

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

what? I dont need any of that just the rug

From Me to *********@comcast.net:

Are you sure? It sounds like you need this rug to take care of a "problem", and you might want the cleaning supplies to clean up the rest of that problem.

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

my only problem is that i need this carpet and you are trying to sell me cleaning stuff

From Me to *********@comcast.net:

Look, you don't have to fool me. There is only one reason to urgently need a rug. It is pretty clear that you killed someone and need to get rid of them.

I've been there, man...whether it is a friend who overdosed on drugs, or a dead hooker, it is important that you clean everything up. You can't just roll them up in a carpet and forget about them. Don't worry, I can help you.

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

i didnt kill a hooker what the hell is wrong with you? i need the carpet for my apartment to replace my old stained carpet so i dont get screwed on my security deposit which is why i need it fast

From Me to *********@comcast.net:

Hey man, I'm not one to judge you. I understand that accidents happen. Maybe she didn't tell you when to stop choking her, or maybe you didn't realize that roofie you slipped in her Cosmo was actually cyanide. Either way, a dead hooker isn't the end of the world. Hookers die all the time; it comes with their line of work. The important thing is to stay calm and make sure that you clean everything up.

You have a good cover story with the security deposit. You are smart to get rid of the old blood-stained carpet, but you still will need my cleaning supplies. A small blood stain on the top of the rug is usually a much larger stain underneath the rug, and you can't simply put a new rug on top of it. With my dead hooker cleanup package, it comes with everything you need to clean up the "accident" and make it look like it never happened. The entire package, including the rug, will only cost you $100.

You should act soon before it is too late!

Mike

From *********@comcast.net to Me:

is everyone on craigslist this crazy or is it just you? all i want is the carpet and you are being a huge pain in my ***. ill find one from someone who isnt a goddamn psycho.
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BlameItOnTheHenne · Feb 26, 2011

.....

Basic Weapons For Kids
Posted at: 2009-06-27 18:00:50
Original ad:
summer nanny/babysitter needed!!
must watch and entertain kids during the summer. there are ten kids, ages 7 to 9. preferrably looking for a school teacher off for the summer to teach the kids and provide fun activities.
From Mike Partlow to ***********@**********.org

Hello,

I am Staff Sgt. Mike Partlow and I am on a six month leave. I have nothing to do back in the states, and watching your kids sounds like fun. I love kids. I have plenty of activities for them and assure you they will always be kept busy. Let me know if you are interested and we can discuss pay.

Thanks,

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Mr. Partlow,

Thanks for responding! I am interested. Do you have any previous experience with kids? What kind of activities would you do? I am looking for something fun and eductational, and some sports for the boys.

-Donna

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I have lots of experience with kids from my time in the Middle East. I can teach my expertise to your kids through fun games and activities. I can teach them basic weapons training, close quarters combat, explosive ordinance disposal, and hand-to-hand combat. They will have a blast! I will provide the firearms but I would prefer if you pay for the ammunition. I can make the activities fun and educational. Kids really seem to enjoy basic weapons training when you put it in terms they can understand, for example, I used to teach the Middle Eastern kids how to accurately fire an M203 by a modified version of "pin the tail on the donkey." Instead of a tail, it was a 40mm grenade, and instead of "pinning" it, they fired it from a safe distance. I assure you that safety is my number one concern with the kids, but also, them having fun is my top priority.

SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

Is this a joke? You realize these kids are mostly 7 years old, right?

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

It is never too early to teach your children these basic life skills. I am aware that they are young and will adjust my program accordingly. We will be mostly using the 5.56mm M16A2, which is a great weapon for children. It is gas operated, so the recoil is minimal, making it a perfect gun for children to use. So what were you thinking as far as pay goes? I don't mean to cut to the chase, but I really need a job.
SSG Partlow

From Donna ******** to Me

This is absurd. I really hope you aren't serious.

I am not interested. Thanks.

From Mike Partlow to Donna **********

Donna,

I am sorry that you are not interested. You may regret this if your child is ever put in a close quarters combat situation, and doesn't even know how to pop a magazine in his rifle.

If you change your mind and decide you want your kids to grow up to be men, not pu$sies, let me know.

SSG Partlow
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BlameItOnTheHenne · Feb 26, 2011

....

Gullible Handyman
Posted at: 2009-06-21 13:37:13
Original ad:
DO NOT WORK FOR JIMMY ******, IGNORE HIS "LOOKING FOR A HANDYMAN" AD BELOW. IT IS A SCAM!! I WORKED FOR HIM FOR A WEEK AND HE SAID HE WOULD PAY ME AT THE END OF THE WEEK, AND THEN AT THE END OF THE WEEK HE SAID THAT I WAS PAID BI-WEEKLY AND WOULD HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY, SO THAT FRIDAY CAME AND HE NEVER PAID! HES BEEN DODGING MY CALLS! AVOID HIM AT ALL COSTS HE WILL SCREW YOU OUT OF TWO WEEKS PAY
From Mike Anderson to **********@*********.org
Hey, I saw your ad about Jimmy ****** and must say you sound like a very gullible person. Why didn't you think something was up the first time he didn't pay you? It sounds like you are just not capable of thinking like an intelligent person. If you want, I will follow you around and give you advice to help you not make such stupid decisions. My fee is $15/hr, but it is well worth it.

Mike

From ********@gmail.com to Me
**** YOU UR AN IDIOT I DONT NEED YOU TO FOLLOW ME AROUND *******

From Mike Anderson to ********@gmail.com
I don't think you understand how much money my advice could be saving you. For example, did you know that if a Nigerian asks for your social security number, he is not just getting to know you? He actually wants it to steal your identity. I am full of useful advice like this. Please reconsider.

Mike

From ********@gmail.com to Me
I KNOW THAT DICK HEAD. SHUT THE **** UP

From Mike Anderson to ********@gmail.com
Okay, it sounds like you don't want my advice.

I am interested in your handyman skills, however. How would you like to do the siding and roofing on my house? The job will probably take about two weeks. Don't worry, though, I'll pay you at the end of the two weeks, you just do the work first. And could you buy the shingles and siding? I'll reimburse you for those supplies as well at the end of the two weeks.

Mike

From ********@gmail.com to Me
F_CK OFF CACK SUCKER
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McLovin · Feb 26, 2011

lmeister3 said:

The goldfish sitter one is gold.
Click to expand...

i will give you her number and tell her i hired you to feed her fish.

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