Hello my fellow PhinFans. My name is Finascious D and I'm running for the last and final spot of the April PhinFools Contest.

Let me start by saying that all of you are super fantastic, attractive people. However, we have a tough road ahead. The march to Number 1 is paved with sacrifice and hardships.

My opponent, Rocky Raccoon, believes this is a silly little jaunt in the park, followed by a Bruce Springsteen concert. Now sure we all like the "Boss" (another phrase for "boss" is "the man" as in, "the man is trying to keep us down with his white devil oppressive thumb on our necks".) But what does it mean when someone loves a "master" so much he uses that for his avatar? Bruce "I think I'm Better Than Everyone" Springsteen also happens to be from New Jersey, home of the New York Jets. This is an excerpt from the "Boss":

What wasn't caught in that quote was my opponent screaming Bruuuuuuuuuce at the top of his lungs. I ask you, is a closet Jets Fan and lover of the evil Dr. Springsteen, truly the man to represent you fine, wonderful people?

Instead of answering that, let me tell you what Dan Marino has to say about this:

Or how about Don Shula?

So, I'll leave you, you amazing points of light and hope, with one simple question:

Would you rather have a "person" who may or may not be a Jets fan represent you, or would you rather have the man that actually engineered the Miami Dolphins Perfect Season? The choice is yours.

 

See, I was afraid it would come to this ladies and gentlemen...mudslinging. I bring you the truth, and my opponent brings hatred...and slander, (I've also heard that he brings boxed wine to fancy dinner parties as well.)

You have my word, that i will not play a similar game. I have always fought fair and with honor. While my opponent was the recipient of Armando's Notorious High Five, I was curing Polio, with the same sense of right and wrong as i fight now. Because my fight is the same now as it was then, I fight for the lives of children...poor innocent children.

So remember, a vote for Fin D is a vote for keeping children from getting Polio. Ask yourself, what does my opponent stand for?

 

You sir, shall not besmirch the name of Dan Marino on my watch.

If I should win, I promise, to make The Phins, a place where all of us can be free from such vile and heinous filth. A vote for me is a vote for Dan Marino, and a vote against me, is a vote of hatred, as you can clearly see.

 

I cherish the fact that we reside on a site that gives us the power to choose. Freedom, power and choice are this sites most precious of gifts....which is why I find it odd, that someone would choose a candidate who orders people to follow his whims:

 

Ladies and gentleman, far be it from me to make a connection between 2 seemingly unrelated things, but the above statement is from an unabashed Jets fan. And as with all Jets fans, his ethical meter is clearly pointing away from the good, family, Christian, Jewish, Wiccan, Non denominational, Atheistic values, we all hold dear by selling his vote. Now while my opponent may or may not (but probably is) a Jets a fan, he certainly worships one.

I ask you again, is a Jet's fan, who worships another Jet's fan, who has already sent large amounts of money to another Jet's fan, to buy his vote, a person you want representing the greatest Miami Dolphin Website Ever?

 

I'm officially against Ricket's. The only reason I haven't cured Ricket's yet, is because I learned through my research, that to eradicate Ricket's we need technology that hasn't been invented yet. I'll be finished inventing that technology by the end of summer.

 

Unfortunately, if I win this play-in round, I'll have my hands full running against this other candidate....:shifty:

 

If I win, you sir shall be Ambassador of Drukenbisexualchicktopia.

 

Breaking News:

Rocky Raccoon, avid Jets lover and kitten kicker, has just been named as an accomplice in the Sham Wow Hooker Punching Scandal. It turns out, he was the hooker. More news as it comes in.

 

How dare you impugn me sir?!?!?!?!?! I do not write the news, merely report it.


PS, Did you bite Sham Wow cause he's a horrible kisser or did it just feel like the right thing to do?

 

I refuse to pander for votes. It is early. There is time. Rocky hates Mother Teresa. That is all.

 

More Breaking News:

Rocky Raccoon, self proclaimed "King of Restraining Orders", admits he hates Mother Teresa. He made the claim after he was caught trying to deflate Dr. Z's tires. More news to come.