Freak accident creates opportunity… Harvey Greene, Senior Vice President – Media Relations: “As some of you may have read, Bill Parcells became friendly with a man named John Schoen over a year ago. If you haven’t heard the story, John was a man of the streets… literally. Standing on the same street corner for several years, hoping that some passer by would fill his tin cup and help support him in his moment of difficulty. This relationship blossomed when Bill took the time to notice John, helping him off his feet, giving him clothes and the opportunity of a life time. Late this past regular season, Bill Parcells was doing what he always does, interacting with players, cheering them on, so to speak. He happened to be watching the receivers go one on one vs the cornerbacks in a drill and was apparently standing too close to the action. It was a simple out route to Ted Ginn. Chad threw the out, Ted was wide open, as he usually is, but the ball bounced of Ted’s hands and hit Bill in the throat which then caused him to fall and break both hands. Currently, Bill is unable to speak, write or even eat. He has to eat thru a straw, which is quite difficult for him. <sobbing can be heard in small pockets around the press room> However, in Bill’s contract, it specifically states and I quote: “Should anything happen to Mr. Parcells where he would become incapacitated he would name his successor in language and the team would be bound to this decision for the duration of his contract.” Well ladies and gentlemen, I can tell you that Bill has named his successor in a prior amendment to his contract. And that successor is none other than John Schoen. <gasps can be heard from members of the media and current Dolphins front office personnel> It is my priviledge to announce to you our interim, hopefully, Executive Vice President of Football Operations John Schoen” <uncertain applause can be heard sporadically> John Schoen: Hello… Hi… How you all doing today? This has certainly been a dream of mine since, well forever… Omar Kelly interrupts: But aren’t you an Eagles fan? John Schoen: Ah, that’s what you think. I’ve been harboring a secret. All those years it was my intention to befriend Mr. Parcells and gain his trust. I actually knew about the clause in his contract. Armando Salguero: How could you have possibly known about that? Can you even read? JS: Of course I can read, my little friend. Unfortunately for me I’ve read one too many of your articles. <laughter is heard in a rousing echo> Ethan Skolnick: So, what is this secret you speak of… who are you… really??? JS: Ah, some of you may have heard of me from my days with the Texans and most recently the Chargers. <stunned silence> Omar Kelly: You are really Marty Schottenheimer? JS: Are you out of your mind? Marty was never with the Texans. OK: Ah, that’s right… I get them and the Cowboys mixed up. <more stunned silence> ES: Wait, so you are none other than Paul 13, the famed GM who helped the Houston Texans become a perennial playoff contender? Who turned the San Diego Chargers into a Super Bowl contender sans Norv Turner? Who brilliantly masterminded this enormous feat?? Paul 13: That’s right Ethan, quite astute of you I might add (rips off mask) Man, I’ve been waiting to take that thing off for a long time. <more gasps and shocked skepticism> ES: How can you be at two places at once. You’ve been speaking with Parcells for over a year yet you were with San Diego less than a year ago? Paul 13: That’s right. I took over for John Schoen shortly after my contract with the Chargers ended. OK: So what happened to John Schoen? Paul 13: Does it really matter? ES: Well, legally it would seem that if you’re not John Schoen and Bill Parcells wrote him into his contract as his replacement in time of emergency, well then that you shouldn’t be the VP of Football Operations. Harvey Greene interrupts: Oh it would seem that he is Ethan. Since John Schoen cannot be found thankfully and Paul 13 is quite capable of running the team, as his resume shows. It’s all moot. Paul 13: Yes I love that word moot… not to be confused with mute, which is what I’d like to do with some of you. Can we move this along, I have a ping pong match with the Williams’ sisters tonight. AS: So you fooled Bill Parcells into thinking you were a street bum, knowing that some day he might make you his interim replacement? Paul 13: I guess you could say that, yes. But what I wanted was a shot at controlling my most favorite team of all time. An opportunity to call things my way. A chance to change the Dolphins uniforms, which we MAY be doing, more on that down the road. A chance to change that god aweful theme song, more on that down the road too. A chance to get the Marlins out of our stadium once and for all… no more dirt infield… A chance to watch the game from high above the 50 yard line with Fergie at my side. But most importantly, a chance to craft this organization into the best team in the NFL . I promise you, the members of the Dolphins family and the fans of this most fabled sports franchise, my allegiance is with you. Lets get this thing done! OK: wow, so what is your first order of business today? Paul 13: Well I’m going to make some calls around the league as I have some moves that need to be made. AS: Are you going to trade Ted Ginn? Paul 13: Are you kidding me? Without him and his hands, I wouldn’t be here! I’m going to hug the guy, in a manly non homosexual kind of way. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But seriously, I’m not going to get into specifics. There are some areas that need addressing through free agency and the draft. If there’s a trade that can benefit us and the value is too good to pass up, we’ll make that trade. No player is more important than the team. No team is more important than its players, er... yeah OK: How long is Bill Parcells expected to be out? Harvey Greene: It’s difficult to say. This type of injury is rather unprecedented. At best, he would be back some time around training camp opening. ES: Do you plan on seeking his input on anything Paul? Paul 13: Well that is going to be difficult since he really can't communicate too well. I may ask him a couple of yes no questions where if he blinks once it’s a yes and twice it’s a no. He has been of course a very integral part of this team. The way he works the phone around the league is impressive. Yet, I think I can match that energy at the very least. Some of you may be wondering if the front office structure will change and will there be any changes to the coaching staff. I can say with certainty that I do not plan on making any changes. I’m a big fan of Jeff Ireland and what he’s been able to do in the short time that he’s been here under Bill. The drafts the last couple of years have been a major improvement over the six or seven years prior. I do think they can get even better with my input. And it’s my task to work together with Jeff on the things we need to do to get this team into the playoffs once again. One might say we are co GM’s with myself having final say, just like Mr. Parcells. Will there be any changes to the coaching staff? Well again, there is no plan to change anything with the staff. Now that Mike Nolan has joined us to be our defensive coordinator, our staff is virtually complete. Sorry guys but I’m out of time for now. I’ve got a lot of things that need to be done in a short amount of time. If you’ll excuse me, I need a shave, a **** and a shower. Not necessarily in that order.
