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Discussion in 'Questions and Answers' started by anlgp, May 13, 2009.

  1. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    "dear god how have you been then. i'm not fine **** pretending". - alice in chains.

    this music goes along with this fairly well...

    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yC_3alnTE9g"]YouTube - Mogwai - "Friend of the Night"[/ame]

    life right now to me largely and completely has no point. i've woken up for the past three years without a steady job. i'm single and don't know what to do with myself. i've looked for work and have been rejected. and i have no clue what i want out of life. the woman who i thought i would eventually get married to left me. and though the pain from the relationship has subsided i still don't know what to do with myself.

    i don't go out much. i don't have many friends and the ones i do have are living out of state or are possibly getting ready to move to japan. he is still around but if he gets a job in japan he is going to take it (i have openly encouraged him to do this, wouldn't be that selfish).

    so i'm incredibly lonely. i'm not a very social creature by habit so it's not exactly the easiest for me to make friends. not because i don't think i'm a likeable person but because i don't like being in crowds.

    my life is like a tumble weed crawling across the desert. it has no idea where it's going. the only difference being i know where i've been. and i don't know if it's only because of my current situation but i see more pain than i do happiness. i'm thinking part of this has to do with the job, being single, lonely and not sure of what to do with myself but i can look inside and see that's not it.

    my family has a history of depression on both sides and so i know i'm susceptible to it. and in fact i was on medications and seeing a therapist at one time. i was defendant about this before but i honestly never gave them much of a chance. i'm hesitant to really let someone in. even this stuff is my feelings on a most basic level..

    i need to find the motivation within myself to get up, to look for jobs (been rejected lately) and to go out and do something with myself. but as of the moment it's not there. it's just not there.

    it's just rough. and i suppose i don't really know what i'm asking for. i just need you all to know that i'm in this position. and i have tried to not reach out because there's not really anything any of you guys can do IMO. i mean words of encouragement, which is appreciated, but not finding the end of the means. which is something that can only be found by me..

    i can do these things, get a job, do hobbies, etc. but i don't understand the point. there's no enjoyment in the small moment to moment of life. and i used to have that and still get it on occasion but not nearly as much as i used to. and i honestly miss it. and i want it back.

    i'm just not sure how to.. or why i should care. thanks in advance, really.

    :(

    "well there's a feeling in the air just like a friday afternoon yeah you can go there if you want though it fades too soon so go on let it be if there's a feeling coming over me seems like it's always understood this time of year. well i know there's a reason to change and i know there's a time for us. think about the good times and you live with all the bad you can feel it in the air feeling right this time of year well there's a football in the air across a rain soaked field and yea there's your first car on the road and the girl you steal. so go on with yourself if there's a feeling coming somewhere else seems like it's always understood this time of year..." - better than ezra
     
  2. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    thanks.

    yeah i mean i have hobbies. i love playing guitar. i miss being in a bad like no one else's business. problem is my one friend (the one who might be moving to japan) is a bass player. and we have no drummer :lol: we got together with one a few different times. it was awesome. i've been saying i want to record a solo CD for quite some time; but the creative juices don't always flow like they should.. and i need someone to hire my *** before i can get a bass so i can do rhythm tracks. you can listen to me play guitar here: http://www.myspace.com/sinifi (i'm pretty proud of "almost sleeping" and "sip".. "may6" is the most recently obviously. i haven't listened to that enough but i'm listening to it right now and I like it... this is all me though.. no one else.. and i miss that chemistry)

    i love the dolphins, love reading and music. i love singing when i'm by myself, computers, all sorts of things.

    i'm not looking for like a dating service or anything like that..

    i'm just having a problem seeing the forest thru the trees. there's a term called existential nihilism. it basically means that life has no inherent point. and i'm having a hard time disputing this because i believe it's true. what i need to do is to make the best of it; just not sure how. but maybe i do need to immerse myself more in my hobbies.

    thanks aqua i appreciate it.
     
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  3. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    thanks :D
     
  4. The Rev

    The Rev Totus Tuus Staff Member Administrator Luxury Box Club Member

    Brother,
    One part of me is concerned about everything that you have stated. I think you need to stop over analyzing every detail of your life and start enjoying life for what it is.

    You have your health, you are musical, and seem to have a good sense of humor.
    This life goes by very quickly when we start looking at what ails us instead of what we can contribute. You want something to do? Volunteer at a school (the kids would love that). Play your guitar at a coffee house or ask the library if you can do a little concert for the kids. Try going to a nursing home and entertain some folks there. Accentuate your talents and lean on them to get you through.

    In other words, make your life mean something and stop waiting for things to happen to you.
     
  5. Boik14

    Boik14 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Speaking as someone who was out of work for about a year I know that when you have too much free time on your hands you think too much and your mind plays tricks like this. When you aren't working you feel like you don't really have a purpose because as we are brought up we're always conditioned to be busy and have a schedule of things to do. We are taught to stay busy and when the schedule looks empty life feels a little empty. I would suggest filling your time with what you love. When I was unemployed I found that keeping myself regimented on a schedule gave my days more purpose. I would spend more time at the gym and push myself harder. I would schedule time to write, something I have gotten away from but probably should do more of, kind of like your guitar playing. I started reading more stuff I always wanted to read to keep my mind working.

    Our goals in life vary but the purpose of being never really changes; to help our brothers and sisters, to gain a sense of self, and to pursue eternal happiness however we can. For me sports taught me the majority of life's lessons about failure and success, teamwork, keeping your head up when things aren't going your way. But nothing taught me more then former N.C State college basketball coach Jim Valvano's speech at the first ESPY Awards when he reminded us to never give up. If you give up you accomplish nothing and just embarrass yourself.

    You know my aim, don't be a stranger. You're not alone.
     
  6. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Yeah I've always told myself I break life down into too small of detail. It's really quite basic when it comes right down to it. One of my friends told me that I search too hard to find myself when who and what I am are really right there in front of me. If were to only stop looking so hard I would find my answers faster than I am now. I think he's right. And I think you guys are too.

    Rev, you are absolutely correct in that life is fleeting and I'm overalanlyzing every detail.. and as boik said I think this is due to me having too much time on my hands. There are things that I can be doing (this house is a wreck and needs a major top to bottom over hall) but it's just so overwhelming in here that I don't know where to start. There is literally enough work to keep me busy..

    Recently I have started playing more; and think that those comments hold weight also. More time = less sure of what to do with it. I don't know what I'm doing because I'm not used to having this much time. Filling it up with something, anything is much better than sitting around thinking of every minute detail.

    Thanks rev and boik. Also, will not be a stranger to AIM or PMs.. this has helped a lot.
     
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  7. dolphindebby

    dolphindebby Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    I know where your coming from. After I quit working to take care of the first grandgirl, I just about went crazy.
    Now, I don't watch either of them to much because of school etc. and I just get nuts around here.
    My back keeps me from working and like you I need to turn my house inside out and clean, but I just get over whelmed and sit down.
    Oh, it's clean, but there's millions of little stuff I could do and I just can't get up any energy to do so.
    I just went through a terrible time with anxiety and depression, but thank God, I worked through it. Never thought I'd feel like myself again, but I'm getting there. Had a lot of help from some on here.
    You seem like a good guy and I love your posts. Just hang in there and try to keep busy.
    I guess what I'm trying to say is, I know how hard it is to stay busy when you feel there's no reason to, but force yourself.
    And do play your guitar and enjoy it. You'll find a band, just keep looking.
    Hope I made some sense gap. I sometimes have a hard time writing my feelings etc.
    But, I'm here and you'll be in my prayers. :up:
     
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  8. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Thanks.

    :sidelol: you called me gap.

    post of the year!
     
  9. azfinfanmang

    azfinfanmang Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Exactly as the good Rev stated.

    Don't over analyze it bro.

    Growing up my mom had a little poster that often added Solice...and still does again

    "Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved."

    Bottomline brother Steve,0relax and enjoy life bro. You only get to do it once, so might as well enjoy it.
     
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  10. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    how is this marked answered already I didn't pick the best post?
     
  11. alen1

    alen1 New Member

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    I can't really add much from an advice standpoint because the posters above have done a great job of it but from what I notice in your posts, you know which direction to go to and you know how to overcome your troubles but you don't have the motivation and drive to overcome them. Its a real pain I know but you have to at least try to push yourself harder. I know you love working with computers and we've discussed it via AIM in the past; I know you enjoy learning Steve, that's one of your favorite things to do from what you told me in the past and again, I recommend that you sign up at your local college and try to get something out of it. Sign up for computer programming, I know you can do that because you are willing to learn and your intelligent. If you don't have money for it, I believe you can get government grants, where they basically pay for your college. I don't really know how that works to be honest but I know you can get it. Also, have you tried applying to a fast food restaurant? It may not be what you want to do but at least your doing something. They are usually looking for people to hire and one of them could be you.

    Good luck.
     
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  12. Stitches

    Stitches ThePhin's Biggest Killjoy Luxury Box

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    I too don't have much advice, but if you lived near me I'd love to hang out with you. I don't have any friends down here yet, and it can get pretty freaking lonely, especially if my fiance is working or I am away.

    As for meeting people, I too hated bars. I used plentyoffish.com and yahoo personals in the past and met some cool people whom I became good friends with after our romantic relationship didn't work, and I met my fiance through yahoo. There are tons of people who don't like dealing with crowds either. Just like yourself, they aren't out in the open a lot. But they're certainly there.
     
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  13. sking29

    sking29 What it takes to be cool

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    Steve like others have said you just have to try to throw yourself into what you enjoy and cope but I know what you're going through as well. Myself I don't like huge groups of people too much but my main problem is that I don't attach to people well and prefer people at a greater distance emotionally. Like you I've had people screw me over in the past and now I don't trust people enough to let them get to know me very well (I like to say it like this, I have acquaintances but not friends simply because to me friends are people you are connected to emotionally where acquaintances are just people you hang with from time to time). Plus I have a fear of people leaving me through dieing or whatever else and so that is another reason I don't want too many people too close (I worry too much about the people that I am close to already).

    However the point of me telling you this Steve is that we are all f'ed up in some way and some more than others so never think you are alone as you have seen here. I've learned Steve that I may never overcome my trust issues but that hasn't stopped me from getting to know really good people who make my life more enjoyable, yes maybe it is a little lonely when you let no one in but you cope the best way you can. That's what you have to do Steve and it may always be a struggle but you have to cope and not give up. Maybe approach people like I said as "acquaintances" or whatever it takes. Embellish as well who you are and don't let what everyone else expects you to be bring you down, just be yourself and cope the best way you can. I will probably never be normal mentally but I've made a happy enough lifestyle for myself and I know, although it might scare me, that the future can always turn out to be better than I ever expected. Keep positive Steve and PM me anytime, I only hope sharing my craziness helped. :up:
     
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  14. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Thanks guys.

    I'll reply more to these later on. I'm beat right now.
     
  15. The Rev

    The Rev Totus Tuus Staff Member Administrator Luxury Box Club Member

    The PM was from you, brother. :wink2:
     
  16. Killerphins

    Killerphins The Finger

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    We always have a new day for such a short time. Make the best of what has been dealt to you and live life.

    Concentrate on the positive.

    I write down one good thing that happens in my life every day.

    Try it.

    It works.

    Never worry about the small stuff or the big negative stuff. That happens to all of us.

    You can overcome more than you think you ever could if you think you can.
     
  17. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    but i didn't pick it? although it was a good answer :up:
     
  18. alen1

    alen1 New Member

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    Great post. I hope Felix reads this one too.
     
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  19. Boik14

    Boik14 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Great post. Did you add your avatar to your one good thing per day list? I sure did! :knucks:
     
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  20. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    I was out of town a couple of days and missed this thread. I am sorry.

    The advice given here so far is sound and you have been correct in your answers. Life is for living and when it doesn't come to you, go out and find it. The volunteer suggestions are right on. Discussion groups and book clubs at libraries are also wonderful places to engage people. I am going to also add places of worship but then as chaplain, I'm supposed to!

    It is also true that depression is real. Perhaps you might want to find someone to talk to about the break-up. I mean you have paid the price, why not get a benefit from it? Some of the best counseling I've done started as an attempt to save a marriage and ended with one party getting to know more about themself when the marriage failed anyway. Understranding yourself always makes you more attractive to another person in a relationship.

    Best wishes and know of my prayers!
     
  21. Fin Fan In Cali

    Fin Fan In Cali Dolphin fan since 1970 Luxury Box

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    Brother I am sorry to hear about your girl. There will be another woman in your life. Keep your chin up!:yes: As for the job, I understand where you are coming from. I went 7 months without a job, and you have to stay upbeat, and when you aren't looking for a job, you need to keep busy. Perhaps volunteer in something that you enjoy, or perhaps something along the lines of your career field. Somethings on the job front to do if you haven't already bro. make sure your resume is up to date and crisp. Make sure you have it available to send in an electronic format as well. get your references on paper, and in a file for sending electronically. Make sure you network, check the internet. When you go out and talk to people make conversation, perhaps that will lead you somewhere. Most of all you have to be positive, and keep in mind you will find a job. If you need an ear, you got one here brother.:knucks:
     
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  22. Alex44

    Alex44 Boshosaurus Rex

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    If you have girl issues you can talk to me, I know what it's like.

    I dated a girl for two years and pretty much thought we were going to get married and BAM all gone.

    PM, AIM, MSN, whatever. I'm here, and maybe helpful because I'm also the type to over analyze every aspect of existence.
     
  23. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    thanks.

    yeah the girl thing is fine. her and i have remained good friends (talked to her today, actually) and i'm happy that we can maintain a friendship knowing that we've gained at least that out of everything.

    the job thing is another matter in itself. jobs IMO are an unfortunate necessity and it's hard to get my motivation up for something that i feel like i'm forced to do. to take a quote from a song "never minded workin hard it's who i'm working for".. basically i don't mind the work but the whole corporation thing blows my mind.. there is no loyalty and largely they do not care about me much like i don't care about them.. and that's not the kind of relationship i enjoy having with anyone.. this feeling includes job searching, conversation and pressing on in general sometimes.

    i'm not one to take drastic measures so no one here needs to be that worried about me. as my initial post says this is just a rough spot. people have these things all the time.

    sometimes i get fairly concerned about myself. i feel like i'm trapped inside my brain and i can't rationally think my way out of these things. it's like punching out of a wet rug. sometimes it's very constricting and other times i can feel myself actually leaving.. actually being outside myself. it's very odd to explain but this generally happens during times when i need the most comfort. so i think it's a bit of a meditation technique (i've read up on this). but i can actually see things for what they are without the clouds and it all seems to flow by very nicely but once i'm sucked back in it hits me like a ton of bricks. i'm doing the former right now writing this paragraph (as i usually do when i write about things like this).

    stitches i may have to check those sites out..

    thanks guys, for your concerns and your advice.

    if it's one thing i've learned over the years it's that never are any of us ever walking alone.
     
  24. Fin Fan In Cali

    Fin Fan In Cali Dolphin fan since 1970 Luxury Box

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    The job search is a job within itself, so you need to have things to do that you enjoy and will relax you.:wink2: If you need job sites to check let me know if I can help that way. I am looking again myself as I still have a job, but I am right there with you.:hi5:
     
  25. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    yeah i mean i know plenty of sites.. and as they say the only thing that's worse than having a job is looking for one. especially looking for one that you know is gonna suck. minus the $$.

    if you could, list what you have though please. because every little bit helps.

    thanks
     
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  26. Fin Fan In Cali

    Fin Fan In Cali Dolphin fan since 1970 Luxury Box

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    On it's way in a pm bro.
     
  27. brandon27

    brandon27 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Steve... I sort of know where youre coming from. I used to (i guess still do) over analyze everything. Years ago, i'd live a day, then come home and pick every little piece of it apart, then get down on myself for it. I always managed to find a way to make everything my fault. Its the worst thing I could have done for myself at the time, alot of stuff was going on, but being older and "wiser" now i look back at it and know, it wasnt me, it was just, for some reason it felt good to blame myself. After a few really awful things happened, it got 10 times worse, and i just said screw it, and tried to change the way i looked at things.

    For the most part everything's better now... Sure, sometimes I slip up and end up pretty bummed out about things, but now instead of over analyzing everything and getting bummed out about it, now I look at it, break it down, and find a way to make something positive. With an open mind to some pretty awful things, you can find bright spots. The more you start to do it, the more it applies to everything. Not just things that happen to you, but things you see on a daily basis. Hell, some mornings I get a kick out of passing the same car going the opposite way every morning on my way to work.

    I don't know where I'm goin with this anymore... :lol: but we all have something special to offer. And theres positives to find in everything. Keep your head up man, if you ever want to chat, pm me, fb, msn... whatever's easier!

    As for the music... great stuff man... your recordings sound really good. Been listening as I've been writing this, its relaxing. Much better than anything I play. It sounds like some pretty "deep" stuff. I like it.

    Why not maybe start up a little guitar shop? Small repairs... maybe giving lessons and stuff? Its a nice way to keep yourself occupied, and make some cash on the side...

    Anyhow, like I said, if you ever find yourself wanting to chat, track me down. Sounds like I can possibly relate in some ways.
     
  28. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Thanks about the music. I really appreciate when people tell me that it's relaxing. I'm going to rant about music here for a bit because it's my passion.

    I've been playing since I was roughly in 8th grade (guessing 13/14). I'm well beyond that now. I've read places that when you play music you should play with your soul, know what you're playing, play only what you feel & everything you ever play is what you wanted the world to know as a child. I believe this. So the music you hear (which is normally only written as one take except the obvious ones where it's two guitars or something) is the emotions that are truly inside me and how I see the world. So when I get a compliment about music it really makes me feel good. It makes my life feel worth it.

    As far as the guitar shop and what not. I have no experience working on guitars. I can hardly even string them believe it or not. I don't change the strings often. I just love to play. And starting my own shop would be kind of hard; but I think I do need to work in the field somehow.

    And it's nice to know you can relate. If I need you I know how to get ahold of you. And I will. You've got my word.
     
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  29. brandon27

    brandon27 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    I agree, thats what i love about guitar solo's sometimes... some of them, in certain types of songs just feel so... painful, soulful, whatever you want to call it. It's nice to hear guitar sometimes the way the songs on your myspace are... just on its own, playing what the artist "feels". I know some "non-music" read stuff like this and go... "what the hell?!" Its true though. While I'm still learning, some of the best times i have with my guitars are just sitting around, messing around making little things up. When I was younger I did alot of writing... with the hope to one day turn them into songs... then i got the guitars, and have quite writing for the most part and tried to combine the two. My problem is, I don't know my way around my guitar making up stuff on my own well enough to be able to pull it off. Sounds like you're well on your way... have you tried?

    as for gettin in touch with me, msn is probably the easiest. If my computer is on, its usally on. If my computer is on, im usually not far from it. damn laptops :lol:
     
  30. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    all the stuff you hear on my page was "written" by me. it is all just me ****ing around on guitar. literally. that's all i do with it. i don't know technical terms for things. i mean i know an E chord, a C chord, etc. I know a few scales and things but i don't know too much theory.

    my advice is just mess around. learn tone by muscle and tone memory if that makes sense. you will play and at times your hands will go where your mind does and play what you are thinking. this is the difference between hearing and playing. and if you can't play it, then it just means you're not ready.

    also; regardless of your talent. have fun with what you are doing. tell yourself you are enjoying it. it goes a long way. i can tell you this from being in a band. if you look like you are having a blast no one else notices the difference. except other musicians. then you just give them the "**** off" look.
     
  31. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    i really don't like this lonely feeling. i said before that i don't think anyone walks alone. and i don't really think that. but i do think that regardless of how close a connection to another individual is there's always that space in between two people that makes one person.

    this is the space that i'm struggling with. it is never more apparent than it is right now. it's when i'm alone and everyone else is doing their own thing that i'm here and going "what's my own thing".

    god this is hard.

    edit:

    i think maybe that it is supposed to be this way. that i'm alone right now. this has got to be some sort of test. there's no way that this feeling can continue on. these overpowering thoughts. i try to step outside them as you all have said. indeed how i have told myself many times. and yet i'm reminded every day of the anger turned inwards turned depression turned misanthropic thoughts and inner angst fueled among the waves. amidst all this is a calm demeanor at the forefront of my brain. this is how i seem to present myself to others. my conversation is calm but deep down there are the previous feelings that can literally take over my entire being.

    it's more about stepping out of the box. it's more about keeping my hands busy.

    it's letting this **** go. it's letting the past go. it's letting the present be and seen for what it is. it's not thinking about the future in a worrysome manner.

    and mostly, it's about enjoying what i've got left. because life is fleeting. and tomorrow is not guaranteed.
     

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