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I need some advice about abuse

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by Kanye West, May 10, 2010.

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  1. Kanye West

    Kanye West 'Parcells' Guy

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    UPDATED:I need some advice about abuse

    Hey guys. So I have been dating this girl for a while now and she had been telling me that she has been abused by her Dad. She told me not to tell anybody. But the other day I get a call from her telling me that her Dad just hit her in the face and that now she has a black eye. I dont know what to do. If I tell someone I feel like she would be mad at me and it would mess up her family. But I feel if I don't tell anybody she might really get hurt and something worse could happen to her. I know I need to do something but how should I go about doing it?

    P.s. dont message me on facebook about this. Just keep it on the forum because she does not know that I am doing this.

    Look on page 2 for the update
     
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  2. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh Club Member

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    Damn.

    I think you have to alert the authorities. Her safety is paramount. You may lose her in your life, but if she got real hurt, you'd never forgive yourself.

    Maybe, if you guys are in the same school, you can talk to one of her teachers that she respects, in confidence. If they see her with a black eye, and hear what you have to say, they have to report it to the authorities, and maybe your name can be left out of it.
     
  3. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    i think depending on her age you need to either a) tell her to leave b) get her help, even if she may leave you in the process. Violence can escalate and you don't want to wait till it escalates her right into the grave. Whatever you do bro, do not fight the dad. You let the authorities handle it, unless its life and death.
     
  4. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    You cannot sit by and let this happen. Alerting the authorities may 'ruin' her family, but it may also save her life, or at least save her from more abuse.
     
  5. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    I will be the fourth voice that urges you to report this in some way even if she doesn't want you to do it. Her safety is paramount and the abuser MUST be removed. He needs to be in the criminal justice system and understand his actions have severe consequences.

    I commend you for caring about her even if she is unwilling to care for herself!
     
  6. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh Club Member

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    Not to derail this, or nitpick you Ohio, because I respect you to no end. But I'd like to point out, she may very well be willing to take care of herself, but she may just feel trapped. She might feel like every move she can make will hurt her and her family.
     
  7. Vendigo

    Vendigo German Gigolo Club Member

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    I mean no disrespect to anyone but I would strongly advise you not to inform the authorities at this point. It's a well-meant advice but the psychological mechanisms at place in an abusive father-child-relationship are much too complex to be properly evaluated by laymans and with the information provided. There's a very real possibility she will just deny the abuse in front of the authorities, leading to even more abuse (because she "told") and possibly to her never confiding it to anyone else again.

    The best advice I can give is to gently gather more information and present that information to a professional (there ought to be a hotline or shelter you can contact, for instance). Then take it from there with a professional viewpoint on the matter.
     
  8. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh Club Member

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    The thing is though, without notifying the authorities, the proper help won't come. I assure you, the police would see the black eye, read her demeanor and her fathers and decipher the situation. They have training for this sort of thing.
     
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  9. Vendigo

    Vendigo German Gigolo Club Member

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    But they might just lack the evidence. Even if they read her like a book, all it takes is for her to say that she fell down the stairs or ran into a door and there's preciously little the police can do. And that's, unfortunately, what happens in a lot of cases. And it also often escalates the situation from bad to much, much worse.

    I'm not saying that proper help isn't needed. It most certainly is. But sending over the police with the information provided might just as well worsen the situation considerably. It's the natural reaction but in the complex case of an abusive child-parent-relationship, it isn't necessarily the wisest.
     
  10. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    get the girl out of that situation. if she's old enough explain to your parents what is going on. maybe they have room for her.

    if not you need to tell someone.

    forget father - daughter psychological relationship the importance is on the relationship your g/f is going to have with herself the rest of her life.

    now rather than later.
     
  11. Killerphins

    Killerphins The Finger

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    go kick that fugger in the teeth :shifty:
    kidding
    you have to get the authorities involved before he goes too far imo
    next time could be the last time if he snaps
    guys like that need to be stopped
     
  12. OCDolfan

    OCDolfan a.k.a. LostInPatsLand Club Member

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    I agree with this viewpoint.
     
  13. Kanye West

    Kanye West 'Parcells' Guy

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    Believe me that is what I want to do.
     
  14. Kanye West

    Kanye West 'Parcells' Guy

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    The Dad only does it when the mother and brother are not home so when it is juster her and her father that is when it happens. She is coming over today we are going to have a talk about it
     
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  15. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh Club Member

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    Tangible evidence isn't necessary in this kind of situation I believe. In fact, I think the black eye is all they need. That's not to say that's all they need to call the father guilty, it is all they need to investigate.
     
  16. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    alright so the way i see this panning out is:

    she tells someone and it may get worse, or she doesn't tell someone and it continues on as usual and probably gets worse anyway.

    having been in an abusive situation in the past something needs to be said or done if it is going to stop.
     
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  17. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    No offense taken. Your parsing of my language is correct. It is almost a certainty that she feels trapped. It is that sense that made me say "not care for herself". Your language is more accurate and I applaud and support it.

    I understand what you are saying and perhaps you are correct. I deal with more of these cases than I would like to, heck, one case like this is more than I would like to deal with and I get a lot more than one. I am the "professional" folks sometimes come to and I have a relationship with the local sheriff's detectives. My former secretary's husband's niece was murdered in a situation like this and thus I have very little patience for "taking it slow" even when it may be an appropriate answer. This one sounds like it may be escalating and the cycle needs to be broken.

    RBT, I wish you all the best and suggest you even show her our answers. She may find some strength from the support here. We are unanimous that the situation can not be allowed to continue. Our only question is what is the best way out but we all believe OUT is the answer.

    If she is in school, she needs to explain how that black eye happened and let the mandatory reporters do their job. That will hopefully get her some counseling to deal with the guilt and the feelings that somehow this is "her fault" or "she deserved it" neither of which is remotely true but both sets of feelings are common.

    If she is out of school, urge her most strongly to make the report, go with her if it helps, and aid her in getting out of the home. Fin D is right, if something happens to her before she gets out, we will be advising you for treatment options regarding, "Why did I wait?"
     
  18. Fin-Omenal

    Fin-Omenal Initiated

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    Thee...Ohio State University
    Definite Bump.
     
  19. Stringer Bell

    Stringer Bell Post Hard, Post Often Club Member

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    What age are we talking about here?
     
  20. Kanye West

    Kanye West 'Parcells' Guy

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    16.
     
  21. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    so what happened?
     
  22. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    jeez, i hope everything works out. if you're close with your parents, that may be a good starting point RBT. talk to them.
     
  23. finyank13

    finyank13 Reality Check

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    Open chamber......insert round, release slide, switch off safety, buck him in the arm that he uses to slap her....

    On any scale abuse is intolerable, being 16 she probably will leave you at first, be mad an all that.....Once the smoke clears, she will realize that you had to do that, and how much you cared for her, and she will like you that much more.....
     
  24. Kanye West

    Kanye West 'Parcells' Guy

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    He came over yesterday. At first she was happy and joyful. But then out of no where she just got really quite and went on like the other side of the couch. She was not talking kind of just laying there just watching TV. She looked really sad and started crying a little bit.

    So I ask her what is wrong. She did not say anything. She would not tell me anything. Which was odd because she always tells me everything. I mean EVERYTHING. So I keep asking her and asking her and asking her. I finally say okay well if you are not going to tell me what is a matter I cant help you and I guess I should just drop you off at home. ( I should not have said that because it made her really upset) So she did not want to leave and I started guessing what was wrong with her. I immediately asked if it was her Dad and she said yeah.

    She said that her Dad was mad at her today and when he got home she was going to be hit. She just sat there in my arms crying for an hour. She was so sad. I told her that everything would be okay and I would not let anything happen to her ever again. I told her other stuff to. She also agreed with me that something has to be done.

    So I told her she would not be going home till her Mom or Brother were there. Before she went home though I told her to stay near her Mom or Brother the whole night. I also told her to call me if she was in a room with him by herself.

    So I drop her off around 7:30-8:00. I told her to keep me posted on what was going on. I go out to get dinner with some of my friends. I get home later that night and I get on Facebook and we are messaging each other. She was away from her Mom for 10 minutes and her Father comes in her room. So she messages me hold on. Not 2 seconds later I get a message that says help. So I jump in my car and get out to the front of her house and I tell her to message me if she needs anything. 5 minutes after that message she responded saying he did not do anything her Mom walked in after she sent that help message.

    I got to figure out something by the end of this week. Her parents are going to be away on a trip the rest of this week. I am going to have to get a plan together.
     
  25. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh Club Member

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    I cannot stress enough, that you don't get involved violently. You must get proper authorities involved here. If you get involved in an altercation, at his house especially, the law is not on your side. If you get into trouble with law, you won't be able to help her. Talk to the police, they can and will advise you. Talk to a counselor at school. I know you want to save her, and you can, just be smart.
     
  26. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    ditto rbt. I know instinct is to protect but you are headed down the wrong path my friend. You do not want assault charges. Yes she may agree with you now, but blood is blood, and she may turn on you even though the dad is hitting her.
     
  27. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    Listen to these two guys, violence begets violence and for you to get involved in that manner will complicate things, escalate the situation and ultimately end up hurting hurting everyone involved, yourself included.
     
  28. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    So far so good, but RBT, you are in over your head. Someone else needs to be in the equation with you two, whether that be law enforcement, school authorities, your parents, some adult figure. You could get charged if an altercation occurs, if you move her in with you, you could end up with criminal sexual charges involved given her age even if nothing along those lines actually happens. Helping means getting the person the right help it does not always mean doing it yourself!

    Accusations can and will be thrown around freely once this breaks. You need to be protected from them or you might not be able to aid her.

    If she has that much fear, she HAS GOT TO deal with it in a constructive way or she may try and harm herself.

    Keep us in the loop and try and stay as cool as you can.
     
  29. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh Club Member

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    Words to live by.
     
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  30. Kanye West

    Kanye West 'Parcells' Guy

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    I am not going to get involved physical.
     
  31. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    yeah man but you hauling *** over there might get you involved
     
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  32. BuckeyeKing

    BuckeyeKing Wolves DYNASTY!!!!

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    What a scumbag father.
     
  33. I am just stunned reading this thread, RBT. It breaks my heart, and I applaud you for your efforts. As others have posted, I also strongly caution you on your PHYSICAL involvement.

    If this young woman has any fears about damaging a "relationship" with her father by making this situation known, you might ask her what relationship she is worried about salvaging... Stress to her that fathers don't treat their daughters (or any family members/friends/etc.) this way, and she needs to remove herself from this dangerous situation. Reinforce to her the importance of HER life, HER well-being, and HER safety.

    Even with all that has occurred, it is probably hard for her to publicly admit that her father is doing this to her. That is often the case in abusive relationships -- the recipient of the abuse feels they have either done something to deserve it or feels a "family loyalty" to keep it quiet.

    I would suggest keeping the focus on HER safety and not to focus on "dad-bashing." As odd as it might sound, if you "attack" (in her opinion) her father that might only encourage her to turn away from your help. She has known her father/family longer than you, and that mere fact alone might possibly cloud her perspective.

    Please keep us posted on how this unfortunate situation works out; trust me, we are all very concerned.
     
  34. dolphan117

    dolphan117 Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Any way you bring your parents into this? If you could get her to open up to them it would lend credence to when the authorities become involved, which is going to have to happen sooner rather then later.
     
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  35. The Rev

    The Rev Totus Tuus Administrator Luxury Box Club Member

    RBT,
    I'm going to look at this from a completely different point of view and I hope you will forgive me brother if I hit a nerve but I work with a population of students, some of whom have either been physically or sexually abused. So, I'm coming from that side.

    Did you see the black eye? It happened 4 days ago right?

    Are mom and bro clueless to what is going on? Could they not see if she had any marks on her? Does she not want to tell them?


    Brother, timing is everything in life. Her mom comes in just as you are about to rush in?

    Here is my point in all of this and I hope I am not trivializing the situation. That is not my intent.

    She might like you "saving" her. You are her hero. You give her a lot of attention and she likes that. She feels safe with you. She trusts you. Maybe she is getting a hard time from her father but maybe it isn't physical, it's emotional.

    Maybe, I come from a setting where I am used to manipulative behaviors and having to investigate many students' claims of abuse before it is validated.

    Either way, if you have seen her with a black eye, call Children and Family Services. You can always remain anonymous.

    If not, then try to see what she is getting from all this attention from you.
    either way, you have my prayers. May God guide you.
     

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