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InfiltrateIB's Entirely Logical, Probably Correct Mock Draft Part I

Discussion in 'Miami Dolphins Forum' started by infiltrateib, Apr 5, 2008.

  1. infiltrateib

    infiltrateib Oh Hi Luxury Box

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    1. Miami Dolphins - Chris Long

    It's really a process of elimination. Dorsey can't be the pick because he has cankles. Jake Long has the head of a 14 year old goofball and the body of a minotaur, which makes me think he might struggle with his kickslide at LT (i.e., the minotaur's greatest weakness).
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    Matt Ryan garnered a lot of interest here, mostly from his parents. Luckily, the argument was mooted when the Media drafted him in the predraft coverage.

    2. St. Louis Rams - Jake Long

    The Rams offensive line has more holes than a DCH story. Alex Barron is terrible at RT and Orlando Pace is at the end of the rope. They just took Carriker last year and don't need a DT, so Long is really the only option here. They need an LB, but it's eons too early for that. Big Jake Long is coming to town. In other news, STOCK REP0RT: DEAN'S B1G AND TALL CL0TH1ERS IN ST. L0U1S G01NG TO EXPL0DE: H0T BUY!!! DEAN.PK!!!!

    3. Atlanta Falcons - Matt Ryan

    Yeah, you guys really fooled everyone. Yeah, you're definitely taking Glenn Dorsey. I'm really buying it. Really. Why would you need a QB? You've got a long, and I mean loooong term investment in Michael Vick. Running from Bubba has probably improved his cat-like reflexes. And incidentally, and similarly, taught him how to always land on all fours. Plus, you've got a duck. No, I don't mean an Oregon duck. I mean someone who appears calm on the surface but is kicking like crazy underneath. Joey Harrington! The pick is Matt Ryan. All the intangibles, none of the athleticism/arm. It's sort of like when you break up with your girlfriend and then search out the exact opposite.

    4. Oakland Raiders - Darren McFadden

    Al Davis is really old. There's no joke there. He's just quite literally very old. He has shown a financial recklessness that clearly evidences an intent to win NOW. So, he ignores character and goes with Darren "The Babymaker" McFadden. They were at first concerned about his out-of-control behavior, but obtained extensive character reviews from his mother, who seems to believe he is a very nice boy. Raider fans rejoice! Hoist your guns in the air and cheer! ... Ok, back to shooting each other!

    5. Kansas City Chiefs - Glenn Dorsey

    The Chiefs need a QB and an LT. No such luck as Long and Ryan are both gone. I think they look hard at Clady here, but I think it's too early to take him. It's one of those decisions that just comes down to: how much heat do you want to take to stand true to your draft order? Cough, Ginn, cough cough. Peterson has shown he can be bull-headed, so who knows. And they would have loved to get McFadden here, but only because he'd be a great diaper-changer-slash-wet-nurse for Larry "Everyone Who Loves Me Hates Me" Johnson. But Dorsey is by far the best talent on the board at this point and Turk McBride is no Dorsey. Dorsey + Hali + Allen = destruction. They'll be willing to look past the cankles in exchange for production.

    6. New York Jets - Vernon Gholston

    Vernon Gholston is so big and athletic, how could he not be a successful NFL football player? Oh. Right. He's a huge question mark because he only turned it on his junior season. But, when he stands up his hands hang two feet outside of his torso, so someone will draft him in the top 10. He's also a great fit in their newish 3-4. Chad Pennington will no longer have the best arms on the team. The Jets are very excited to get a player they love here and look forward to switching systems and trading him for peanuts in 4 years.

    7. New England Patriots - Ryan Clady

    Bill Belichick has reviewed a lot of film, and has come to three conclusions: (1) Mangini has a pretty face, (2) his man-boobs do swing when he walks, (3) as do Mangini's, (4) but he has Oprah money, so whatevs, and (5) Matt Light's bouts of inconsistency last year were a dirty little secret. The good news is, the selection of Clady will mean that we get to see ten consecutive minutes of Brady-being-sacked footage (not to be confused with Brady-dishing-sack footage, which is available only on TMZ). Chris Williams doesn't fit the Patriot personality. But Ryan Clady got a 13 on his Wonderlic, which means he's dumb enough not to question why the guy with "NFL Films" written in magic marker on his shirt only seems to be interested in opposing coordinators. Clady will give Brady so much time in the pocket he can impregnate supermodels. But that's really only 7 seconds, because it's f****** Gisele, dude.

    8. Baltimore Ravens - Leodis McKelvin

    The Ravens would have loved Matt Ryan here. But not because of his arm, but rather that Ray Lewis is convinced he'd "never snitch." As it stands, they have a glaring need at CB because McAlister and Rolle -- unlike the rest of the NFL -- "are not getting any younger." A source inside the organization reports that at least one of them has a birthday coming up that will render them even older. The Ravens have been the best drafting team of the past decade, so whomever they take will pretty much be awesome. Ogden stubbed his toe and has an afro that cannot be good for balance. That's what you get for hiring McNabb as a stylist. Going bald? Ch-ch-ch-chia! Back to the draft. They need a LT and CB. Toss up between McKelvin and Chris Williams. McKelvin sounds Irish -- so he probably is -- and that does it for me. What's in the pot at the end of the rainbow? Oh, it's just pot. Adarius Bowman in the second?

    9. Cincinnati - Sedrick Ellis

    The pick is obvious. They need a DT and someone who won't be arrested for something. Ellis is that guy. Plus he's big enough to hold back Chad Johnson in a coach-on-primadonna cage match. The Bengals tried hard to f*** everything up by trading for D'Wayne Robertson from the Jets, but fate helped them out on that one. I can't say anything funny about this team. It's too easy. ... Okay maybe one joke. Given the Chad Johnson situation, they may look towards Juan Huron. Roughly the same size, only real difference is in the mascara. But that would be a mistake. He may have all the measurables, but they still have TJ Houshmangino. Two prima donnas would doom this team. Oh, right. It already has.

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    10. New Orleans - Mike Jenkins

    Good news, Saints fans. You need a DT, LB, and C. None are wise picks here. And I'm sorry, receipt or not, it has been over a year, you cannot return Reggie Bush for draft credit. I think Reggie Bush is terrible and I would not be shocked to see Rashard Mendenhall be the pick here with Deuce not so loose. Brokeshoulder Mountain needs someone else to throw too but it's also too early for Kelly or Sweed. Eff it, I'm going corner. Mike Jenkins. No rationale given. Deal with it.
     
  2. evz

    evz Feral Druid Club Member

    LOL! awesome post, infiltrate....
     
  3. late again

    late again Senior Member

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    Just my own opinion; but within the humor lies insight and reason. Thanks.
    One pick that I completely agree with is the ATL's pick. They absolutely need a QB. If they don't overpay for a guy like McNabb, then I, too believe that Ryan will be their pick.
     
  4. texanphinatic

    texanphinatic Senior Member

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    Crazily enough Jake Long to us and Glenn Dorsey to SL is a decent possibility, though its getting little in the way of attention. Rumor has it some of the SL brass are quite taken by Dorsey. Remember, this guy was a 1-2 pick at the end of the season barring some minor (possibly) injuries. If thats cleared up, he is THE premiere DT in the draft, and something the Rams could use.
    Long to us has been rehashed almost, though not quite, as often as Chris Long to us.

    Would be amusing at any rate :) Still, Ryan to the Falcons, although seemingly to obvious to be true, and despite Ryans detractors, really is a logical fit. I mean, they NEED a guy like him, a franchise face and new direction, not to mention a QB. I mean, Redman or Harrington? Please. And say what you want about Flacco/Henne etc, first rounders produce more success than second rounders. If your looking for a franchise QB and team face, your more likely to find him in the second than the third.

    IMO the biggest wildcard is KC, they could go a ton of different directions. The Pats as well will almost surely be doing everything they can to trade down and much things up. Pretty good mock though, and well written :hi5:
     
  5. DOLPHAN1

    DOLPHAN1 Premium Member Luxury Box

    ahhhh. a fresh perspective.:yes:
     
  6. emocomputerjock

    emocomputerjock Senior Member

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    Juan Huron comes back!! Woot!
     
  7. PhinsRock

    PhinsRock Premium Member Luxury Box

    :sidelol: You killed me with this one! This alone was worth 5 stars from me! :yes:

    Outstanding, and scarily reasonable! :up:
     

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