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Is this a blanket no-no?

Discussion in 'Questions and Answers' started by Seeking Answers, Jul 15, 2010.

  1. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

    Nov 1, 2008
    If you're tired of reading about the other sex, you can skip this. It'll save you a lot of time.

    I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible, but I think there needs to be some background...so here goes.

    I met my current GF in college Freshmen year......about 7 years ago. At the time she was dating a guy...let's call him *******. So long story short she dated ******* for two years while I knew her. During this time we got closer and closer, and eventually she broke up with him 2 years later. When she came back to school from that break, we started dating/living together.

    Now, I'm going to be honest and say that I am not incredibly proud of my actions during that time. I typically respect relationships, and I did with theirs for a time, but I started to push a bit towards the end. I never tried to kiss her, never asked her to leave him, but I did tell her how I felt about 3 months prior to their breakup.

    She moved in with me very shortly after the breakup...in hindsight...too quickly. It was something that had lasting ramifications on our relationship. She didn't talk to him at first, but eventually they kept communication up. It took her a year to tell him that we were going out. While the first 3 years were cool, the last 2 were horrible. As our relationship started to get worn down by stress from school and money, the obvious thing happened. ******* under the pretense of just wanting to be friends over time became a total thorn in my side. I always had kept an eye on the situation but was pretty open. I didn't like it taking so long to tell him that we were going out, but I felt guilty so I let it slide. Towards the end she saw him 3 times. Once was supposed to be the "goodbye" which ended up in her not answering her phone the whole damn night and getting home at 1 in the morning. The next was supposed to be for coffee that went later........I was livid.

    Y'all may not believe me, but she never slept with him. I know that, I trust her on that, and don't question it. (you have to know the girl I guess..i probably wouldn't believe it either). But she did cheat in my eyes, as they were getting closer and definitely pushed the boundaries. The relationship culminated in the two of us and her friend, meeting him and a friend at a bar, and him serenading her to "can't find a better man" right in front of me with karaoke. I was livid, and what little bit of a relationship we had was shattered from that point. I moved out a week later, and said I needed some space. We kept in touch, last thing I knew was 2 weeks later she was seeing him again.

    Fastforward a year......she sends me a lengthy email saying that she missed me, and wanted me to come out for thanksgiving. I wasn't sure if I wanted to, but did. That trip kind of rekindled the flame a bit...i found out that she wasn't seeing him...and hadn't spoken to him in 9 months. We started dating again......and it's been going swimmingly.

    At least it was until ******* started calling again. This kind of keyed me off. I told her before we even discussed being together that I had made a decision that ******* was out of my life.....and that extended to people I know. She vehemently agreed that this was the way it should be (they weren't on talking terms at the time) and we continued on our path.

    I want to state that I know that I made mistakes...we were young...all of us, and we all are at fault for what happened. I personally forgive him, and her.....but I don't forget. I've never felt so small as that night at the bar, and for my own self respect and sanity I can't allow myself to be put into that situation again. I didn't like how I felt about myself, and I didn't like how I felt about her. I feel strongly that I shouldn't have to deal with someone in my life who openly admitted that they didn't care what I felt was acceptable behavior with my girlfriend, and has been openly hostile....life's too short.

    So anyway...******* starts calling again. I spoke to her about it, and she started getting defensive about my stating that he's out of my life. She says she doesn't want to be with him, and calls it controlling that I won't be with her if she does keep in touch with him. BUT after talking about it a bit she did agree that it was something that I needed, and that I deserved a life without him. That she'd talk to him, and tell him that they should have space...and just kind of fade the relationship out with time.

    Fastforward 3 weeks when ******* calls again...and she tells me today that it went well.....i ask "as in he's going to back off?" and she lets me know that she didn't say that.....that it was inappropriate for the conversation, and that she doesn't see a need to tell him that if she keeps him at a distance. I'm mad, she's mad, fight ensues.

    I'm at the point where I'm trying to decide if this is worth even saving. This girl is amazing in nearly every other way. She gets hit on a ton, which quite honestly I'm fine with. She's scorching hot, funny, and probably the best friend I've ever had.

    That said I'm REALLY uneasy about this ******* hanging around. I know he's not over her, and I have yet to see her put him in his place. Personally I don't care if she were to talk to him on the phone a few times a year, but I don't believe that's where it will stay. He's a pushy mother****er, and devious as hell. As it went last time, it started as talking, moved to meeting for coffee, and beyond. The whole time I was painted as a controlling ******* because I saw through his ****.

    She has other guy friends (one that she previously dated) that I'm fine with. But I'm NOT fine with this *******. Do I take a hardline, and walk away? Or do I try to stick it out (not sure that this is a possibility after today) and give her a chance to keep him in his place?

    This is the last shot with this girl...I know that. But I'm strongly considering walking because of this baggage. I don't like him mulling about. Is it a blanket no-no to say "I'm not ok with you talking to him?". I know it sounds harsh, but all things considered I think I have a point.

    And to clarify, she can do what she wants. Talk to him, etc. But it's my stance that I won't be around to see it.

    Is that fair? I'll feel like a total tool if I go down this road and it blows up in my face and I get burnt again. I feel enough shame from the last time it happened.
  2. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

    Dec 7, 2007
    Have you told her you don't want to go through this **** again especially after what happened at the bar? If she can't respect that, and understand why you don't want them calling, then to me shes not worth it man.
    finyank13, Crappy Tipper and jetssuck like this.
  3. padre31

    padre31 Premium Member Luxury Box

    Nov 22, 2007
    inching to 100k posts
    Bro, leave now, do not look back it will save you some heartache down the road.
    gunn34 and Crappy Tipper like this.
  4. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh Club Member

    Nov 27, 2007
    Lucky is ugly, stoopid, stinky and short...but he's also exactly right.
  5. MikeHoncho

    MikeHoncho -=| Censored |=- Club Member

    Nov 13, 2009
    Lotta other ladies out there...
  6. eric

    eric New Member

    Oct 11, 2009
    do/have you ever actually talked to the other guy. how did their previous relationships end?

    theres a chance you might be her fall back guy. if this guy keeps getting tired of her and splitting, then she decides your the next best thing...untill he comes sniffing around again. she cant resist him completely and he eventually wins her over repeatedly.
    MikeHoncho and gunn34 like this.
  7. Crappy Tipper

    Crappy Tipper AKA Hero13

    Aug 23, 2008
    dude she should see your *** walking away and nothing more of you. You may be one of the more tolerant guys I've ever heard of but all it's going to get you is walked on like a cheap rug.

    Sounds like this is the perfect "Give 'em an inch and they take a mile" scenario.....

    Worse yet is that you posted something that made me agree with Fin-D.
    padre31 likes this.
  8. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    Seems like your GF has never gotten over ********* yet. be wary, my friend because if she can't muster the courage to tell ******** that it is over, then you can never be absolutely certain she is playing it totally straight with you. even if it is just you that may suspect anything, then the relationship still suffers. Both need to be open about everything.
  9. maynard

    maynard Who, whom?

    Dec 5, 2007
    clearwater, fl
    the best thing you can do for your self-worth, pride and respect is to walk away. i know it sucks and i dont know her, but recurring ex-boyfriends are completely in her control
    gunn34 and MikeHoncho like this.
  10. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Yes, it is fair. You are an individual in a relationship. You have boundaries that are clearly definable and should be respected. Short back story.

    I enter into a relationship. We make the "we're in a relationship" distinction. Girl has a friend that is sleeping at their house for whatever reason. She has trouble at her families place or some ****. Ok, that's cool. But the way they act sends up a flag in my brain. A red one.

    She moves in with me, and not 2 months later I get told "I cheated on you". Time goes by, emotions get bottled up, and **** I'm not proud of happens.

    We break up.

    We date again a year later.

    Girl is still hanging around girl she cheated on me with. I try to be ok with it for 2 1/2 years. One day I feel it's getting too much and flat out tell her "I'm not ok with the way you lay on her it makes me feel like I'm being cheated on, etc etc".

    I get told that I'm overstepping my boundaries and that she doesn't care what I think about the situation. I should have walked away then, but I tried to save it for another half a year.

    Just walk out and save the friendship while you can. I'm friends with this girl somehow, and I don't even know that I'd consider her a great friend like I want to. We've both done ****ed up things to one another, and could I have done a better job to save the friendship and not the relationship I would have. I was told I was overstepping my boundaries and I know I wasn't. If you're in a relationship at some point the other person has to not do certain things to show you that they respect you as an individual.

    Hindsight is 20/20.

    Good luck.
  11. maynard

    maynard Who, whom?

    Dec 5, 2007
    clearwater, fl
    alen is right about a lot of things, esp. the boundaries. you have a right to certain expectations and you have to be firm in them.

    not sure about friendship though. there are plenty of friends you can find that wont cause you stress

    of course, all of these things are easier said than done. we dont have to know the specific people to offer advice though. these are common conditions that everybody faces. the answers are easy, but the action behind them is difficult. its a matter of realizing them
  12. gunn34

    gunn34 I miss Don & Dan

    Jan 5, 2008
    Oviedo FL
    I think eric hit the nail on the head when he called you her "fall back guy". Sounds like she is not over the other guy. You would be wise to walk away.
  13. Stringer Bell

    Stringer Bell Post Hard, Post Often Club Member

    Mar 22, 2008
    Sounds like this girl likes bouncing back and forth between boyfriends. Don't let her take advantage of you. Time to walk away.
  14. Lt Dan

    Lt Dan Season Ticket Holder

    Mar 23, 2008
    Eglin AFB, Fl
    you need to beat this guys ***

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