Jason La Canglazer reviews early trading frenzy

(note, the views expressed herein are not necessarily the views of myself and I take no responsibility for harm done, feelings hurt, are drinking binges partaken heretotherefore)

Hi friends... wait who am I? Jim Naantz? No I'm a cross between Jason La Canfora... and Jay Glazer... It's what happens when you morph a fat geek with a UFC training dwarf. I'm Jason La Canglazer. And I'm here to express my mostly annoying views on the recent trading frenzy in the 2013 GML!

Lets get started because my Mitsubishi Eclipse is only validated for 1 hour parking.

And the first big deal of the day was Buffalo and San Diego coming together like a cucumber and a glazed donut. I don't know what Philip Rivers is going to do with his off time in Buffalo. There clearly isn't much to keep his crazed mind busy. Word has it that Charger fans actually helped him pack his bags. First thing he said when he got off the plane in Buffalo "at least I have Terrell Owens and Steve Johnson to throw to"... oops Philip... no you don't. Anyway, the Bills do finally get a reputable quarterback to call the shots at the expense of losing top flight receiver Steve Johnson and talented tailback Fred Jackson... Now on the surface it looks like a fair trade. But I'd suggest that Johnson couldn't catch a fart if you gave him a plastic ziplock bag and Fred Jackson, while one of my favorite paper players, always got hurt when the crucial games were amongst us. I would assume the Chargers saved some cap room here although neither side disclosed salary terms for fear of being sued by the players agents.

Ah yes... the mighty forty niners and bucking broncos got together for a quick one two last night. Actually the niners did save a **** ton of salary making this move, which shouldn't go unnoticed and obtained a late first round pick which my sources are saying they'll use to go after some high priced franchise tagged players this free agency period. It's a sly move actually. It's also a racial move in that the 49ers dumped two angry black players and picked up two intelligent yet slow white guys. The seventh round addition was a nice tight jew move (whilst we're on the subject of racial inequality)... Michael Crabtree is apparently being blacklisted by San Francisco fans for not arguing the holding non call in the Super Bowl last weekend. And Frank Gore is so beside himself that he didn't get a carry on that final set of downs that he just had to move on. I have nothing more of non substance to add here.

Are you ****ing kidding me? What do you mean it's not real crab meat?!?! Oh yes, next trade occurred between a green and yellow midwest tractor and a brown pile of dog ****. Talk about two ugly uniforms. Packers sent disgruntled tight end Jermichael "pay me more and I'll complain less about getting paid more while wanting the ball more than anyone else who is paid less" Finley and Clay "Deer Antler Spray" Matthews for Joe "rather go fishing on draft day" Thomas and a middle eastern likely al qaida sleeper cell member Jabaal... Sheard. Are you Shearding me? So I guess the Packers are moving to a 43 which made Clay DAS obselete. I gotta say adding Joe Thomas, the best left tackle in football is a nice move. Yeah, Clay is a good pass rusher, but how much more can he go without being suspended by the league for doping? I mean really.

And the Jags finally have a quarterback. Too bad for them he'll likely last 3 years max, while the #2 overall pick they gave up could become the next Aaron Rodgers in Matt Barkley. But sometimes you have to take chances. Right? Their owner, Yanni, was seen banging his flute harp (whatever the hell that is) viciously in the corner. The cougars in the room still loved it.

As the great Al Michaels once said "Do you believe in miracles?" The Eagles pull of a huge coup in trading a guy I thought they were going to cut in Nnamdi Asstomouth for Vince Bigger than Big Willferforkfordfull... Coach Bill Bellichuckchickle must be going nuts.. first Tom Brady.... now Vince Willford****fickle. And you replace him with another guy whose name I can't spell. What the **** is going on here?! I blame president Osama.

I do believe this trade contained the most salary cap hit money of all the trades so far. I'm having Ernst and Young double check it, but I'm probably right. approx $64 million in salary changing hands here. I think the IRS wants their share. So after trading Nnamdi the Eagles go and completely redeem themselves by acquring a corner the Bucs were likely to cut after coming back from his four game league induced suspension for stealing food stamps from seven eleven. Of course you know the trade had to include Mike Vick. This trade has so many big names in it, my head can't take it. Josh Freeman was maybe just starting to turn the corner in Tampa. I know Gerald McCoy was just turning the corner. And Mike Williams after a fine season the year prior had regressed. So they get Vick, lets face it, if there's no money to play for he sucks, DeSean "drop the ball at the one" Jackson, Demeco "not what I used to be" Ryans and Mike "brain injury" Patterson. I think the Eagles won this trade by the mere fact that they shaved approx $10m in salary cap. But the Bucs are just as likely to flip Mike Vick for a 1st round pick to the Lions I'm told. Moving on...

How old is Steve Smith? Isn't he like 46? Brandon Browner is a pretty solid corner. And Doug Baldwin the jury is still out on but you know what they say about the word potential. If they keep saying it about you, shortly you'll be a former player who had potential. It's a little bit of a head scratcher for me, not because I forgot to use my Head and Shoulders this morning but because Seattle gets older and adds a net $5m salary to their books.

SO then the Eagles can and do something and TOTALLY REDEEM THEMSELVES. Talk about a roller coaster ride with them eh? Jesus Mary and Joseph Mariah Carey. Now the Eagles did give up their 1st round pick, which is easy to overlook here.. it was the fourth overall... which in a relatively weak draft class... yeah... anyway they give up Freeman who they just got... and cut another net $6m (not counting the draft picks). They've traded another receiver in Maclin... so they lost both Jackson and Maclin but picked up recall Mike Williams and now Brandon LaFell... that's a lot of potential. But of course the biggie is Cam mother****ing johnson Newton. So Chip Kelly has a new Chip (see what I did there) to play with. It's certainly going to be interesting. And for the Panthers just wow... wow... wow... giving up on their prized possession for the maybe turning the corner Josh Freeman.

Jets trade the best corner in the game in Revis and get a subpar receiver, a subpar potential pass rusher and the 11th overall pick in a weak piece of **** draft class. Oh those New York Jets. Yes they did save cap room... and they still have Cromartie................................................................

I've always liked Matthew Stafford. He's just got IT.. unfortunately he can't stay healthy. But he can now go down as the luckiest mother****ing quarterback to ever wear the uniform after having played with Calvin Johnson and now Larry Fitzgerald. Jimminy chrstmas happy kwanzaa.... Lions of course cut a crap load of cap room which is great... but what are they doing at the quarterback position... they might want to trade up to #1 overall just to ensure their pick of the qb litter and a shot at Matt Barkley.

What do you mean they traded Cromartie? Rex Ryan is going to go livid! Oh he's not the coach there anymore you say? The compensation is nice. I have to say the Jets got fairly good value in their trades and are probably going to be very active in the draft if not free agency they'll trade down before then to amass 4 or 5 late first round picks, you'll see.. so then they can go after the tagged players who won't be named here.

I"m done?!?!?! ahahahahhahah... barely made it... phew....I'd go back and proofread for spelling and grammar errors but when you have friends like Machiavelli or whatever his name is and Stitches... why bother, they'll just correct **** for you!