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Kai Locksley - Death of a Brother

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by Galant, Jun 14, 2019.

  1. Galant

    Galant Love - Unity - Sacrifice - Eternity Staff Member

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    Not sure the best place to post this because it's sports but not necessarily sports. It's more a human question.

    Check out the below video from Strong Opinion Sports on the subject of grief and getting lost in despair/moving forward.

    On one side it looks at why some athletes might make stupid mistakes - as per Kai Locksley (UTEP).

    On the other side, it's a human story that's worth listening to if you're a human being.

    I'll leave it here in case it's of any help to anyone. Maybe if the sport side of this takes off we'll move it to a sports forum or start a separate thread elsewhere.

    Here's the video:

     
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  2. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    I lost my mom about two months ago and it's mega-tough to process. My mom was 79 and generally healthy- she still lived the same life she's always had and she was 110% there mentally.....still sharp as a tack. Her only real problem was acid reflux- it kept getting worse and worse to the point where she'd spend most of the day in bed. Of course, we didn't know how bad it was so we didn't intervene...and it literally killed her in the long run.

    From laying in bed so much, she got a blood clot in her leg. No big deal, they treat with blood thinners. But because her acid reflux was so bad, the blood thinners made her bleed out internally from her esophagus. She was hours from death when my dad called us and we rushed her to the ER...she was completely unresponsive (but still awake and staring into space).

    At the hospital, they took her off blood thinners immediately and focused on stabilizing her for surgery. They removed the blood clot and fixed the arteries, but by that time there was so much damage the leg couldn't heal....with blood thinners she would have been fine, but she couldn't have them. So they took the leg. Then infection took over her chest, and she couldn't eat/drink because of the damage to her windpipe and everything down to the stomach. It turned out everything was from a huge hernia in her stomach- a simple test could have found it and all of this avoided. But her health kept going downhill and we lost her in the hospital about 10 days later.

    I know every loss is different and there's a million things to deal with. For me in this instance, it was keeping everyone else around me from falling apart with constant ups and downs each day. There was no time to process much less grieve, and all the while blaming myself for not checking on her more often and insisting on more testing. I mean, she literally died from acid reflux- it created the perfect storm that should never happen in the modern world with all our medical technology.

    Once she passed, I went from being at the hospital 10 hours a day to nothing....how the heck do you fill that void? Relatives calling and asking if we need anything, helping my dad get thru it, etc....it was a brand new phase where I didn't have time to focus on me. It's just super tough to process and I feel for anyone that has to go thru it.

    I can't imagine being a young athlete who's being pressured to perform while dealing with all that. Like I said, every situation is different since there's a lot of ways to die, and each comes with it's own hurdles to deal with. People just can't fully understand what someone else is going through because even if it happened to you...it's completely different because of the circumstances. I mean, there's no reason why my mom isn't alive today- everyone basically failed her (doctors, family, etc.) by not doing enough. The emotions are completely different from someone that died in a car wreck or from cancer. Not better or worse, mind you...just different.

    I have to carry that guilt and some days its BAD....but at the same time I don't want to forget or move past it. It's just tough to rationalize so many irrational emotions- why didn't I do more? That's life though. It did help to write this out anyway though and it's why I did it. My PSA of the day is to check on your parents more often and don't take their word for it that everything's "fine". That's how we lose parents.

    On a more positive note, my dad was sick a few weeks ago and laying around in bed most of the day. He complained of back pain around his kidneys, so my wife and I didn't play...we said get in the car or we're calling an ambulance. It was also minor- basically severe dehydration, but his his liver/bowels were shutting down and it would have killed him. Now he's fine at home after a 4 day stay at the hospital.

    But of course, now I feel even worse about my mom because it's what we should have done with her (had we known). So like I said, be proactive with your parents.....you guys are the "parents" now and you can't take "I'll be okay" as an answer.
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2019
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  3. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    I deal with situations like this very, very often. I have been a hospital chaplain, a parish pastor, and have personally buried both parents and my first wife. Yes these situations are horrible.

    So when I say to you, please find a counselor or clergy or someone who has experience in grief counseling, please, please believe me. Your feelings are real and honest and happen very often. But just like no one expects acid reflux to kill, no one expects grief to kill and yet, I am here to tell you IT DOES.

    Getting the story out here in the open helps and I am honored you chose to share it with us here. Thank you for trusting us. You have just paid a horrible cost so please get something for your expenditure of emotion and with a counselor grow from the grief and pain you feel. Your Mom would want her death to have meaning and helping you grow and learn and live on would do that!

    Blessings to you. If you want to talk by PM, I would be available.
     
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  4. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    I'm okay now. I mean, it stinks and I have regret, but it's not eating me up inside. I did absolutely everything I could...I was just too late to change the outcome and I had to accept that. Mainly I just don't want it to happen to anyone else or their parents...little things can quickly become HUGE things later in life.

    TY though for reaching out!
     
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  5. Galant

    Galant Love - Unity - Sacrifice - Eternity Staff Member

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    Man, Key..... just read this. That's really rough. It's a truism, but I know I can't imagine what that must be like...
    The Phins forum is in many so light a thing - fans talking about a favourite form of entertainment, but it's posts like yours that remind one of the value of every human life, especially every member posting on here. At the other end of the screen there's a life typing away with all that entails.

    I don't really know you, and your miles away, but sincerely, if there is anything I can do for you, or your family, I'd be happy to help. I do mean sincerely. You yourself have said how people offer help at these times, and maybe there's nothing much to be done, but one real thing is interaction and community - at any level. If it would help to talk or engage in any way, I'd be happy to offer that. About anything. Any time. Heck, even over Skype or whatever, if that's preferred.

    Just know that, at least to me, and some others, you're more than just a user-handle on here. We're humans capable than a lot more than just a few pleasantries online. If you need anything, please reach out. Any time. Honest. What's life for if not being there for one another?

    Thanks for sharing!
     
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