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Life advice needed.....

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by Nappy Roots, Jan 29, 2014.

  1. Nappy Roots

    Nappy Roots Well-Known Member

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    So before I go onto the story of what happened today, just want to tell the short story of my life and my girlfriend.

    So I have a 21 month old son, whom I have in my care from Monday to Thursday morning every week. Then he goes to his mom from Thursday night(after daycare) through Sunday.

    I am about 2 weeks away from me and my girls one year anniversary, and I believe she is the one. I intend to marry her. She has always treated my son great, and is always understanding that he comes first before anything else in my life.

    So today I went to work and asked her to watch him for an hour or so(thats all I worked today).....I go in, it starts raining, 30 minutes later, day off, so I come home about 30 minutes early....as I am walking up the stairs(apartments), I hear my son crying. No big deal, kids cry. He has two big windows that face the walk way to the doors. So, I can see him in the room crying. Didn't look like he got hurt or anything. However, I wait a second expecting to see my girl...never comes in. So I decide to wait and see how long it takes her...after about a minute straight of him crying hysterically, I decide I better go in and make sure he is fine. I open the door and instantly I see her on the couch on her computer, probably doing homework. So instantly I erupt, why the **** arent you checking my kid, how do you know hes not hurt, etc. Her defense was he just started crying and was crying for no reason...which was false. To keep a long story short, he had diaper full of poop and his sippy cup was empty. Well he has a rash, so him having crap in his diaper PROBABLY would of burned or hurt and thats why he was crying....


    So I go from thinking she is the one I am going to marry, to now questioning whether I should straight up break up with her tomorrow. He is MY son, and I get that. But he is my #1 priority, so if she is watching him, he should be hers. What happened today was so unacceptable. I don't know how to move forward honestly. There is no excuse for what happened, but is that a one time deal breaker? Then again, I have to know that she is going to be that parent when I am not there. I can not be with someone that I wont be able to leave him with. Can I trust her from here on out? Im confused.....whats your thoughts?
     
  2. finsincebirth

    finsincebirth Junior Member Club Member

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    If you don't mind me asking how old is your girlfriend?

    Sent from my DROID RAZR HD using Tapatalk 2
     
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  3. Nappy Roots

    Nappy Roots Well-Known Member

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    25. Im 27.
     
  4. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    hmmmmmmmm I don't know. Tough situation. Kudos to you though for putting the kid first. I guess instead of erupting try talking to her about it and tell her straight up if she can't take care of your son/doesn't want your son around she has to bounce and that you have to be able to trust her with him.
     
  5. BicketyBam

    BicketyBam No Fist Pumps Allowed

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    Excellent advice. Calm down and then have a rationale conversation about parenting and if could see herself in that role. Ask her how she feels about being in a relationship with someone who has a child and what her vision is. Too many relationships go down the crapper due to lack if communication. It was the #1 reason why my marriage failed after 15 years. You probably put her on the defensive when you stormed in asked her what the hell was going on. Talk to her again, maybe over a nice dinner. That's my advice.

    Oh. Quick question. Has she ever changed his diaper before?
     
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  6. Nappy Roots

    Nappy Roots Well-Known Member

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    Yea she has. She has watched him by herself before. And we've had the conversation about how she feels about my son and being that figure and she has said she is in it to win it. Or I wouldn't even bother being in a relationship with her.

    I agree, I'm sure I put her in a bad spot, I'm going to talk to her about it tomorrow. But if she doesn't admit doing wrong and apologize, I think I may cut it off.
     
  7. Rocky Raccoon

    Rocky Raccoon Spirit In The Night Club Member

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    How has she been taking care of your son in the past? If she has always been great with your son you're probably overreacting to a simple lapse of judgement.

    Just talk to her about it. No reason to be preparing to end the relationship. People make mistakes.
     
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  8. finsincebirth

    finsincebirth Junior Member Club Member

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    I agree with everyone who says the best thing to do is talk to her. Also the most important thing is to not turn it into an argument. A calm rational coversation will achieve the most, dont let your feelings for your son turn it into a blow up. However, if she isnt prepared to be a full time mother to your son then it is best to end it.

    Sent from my GT-P7510 using Tapatalk 2
     
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  9. Boik14

    Boik14 Admin Staff Member Club Member Retired Administrator

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    Here's the thing...there's 2 separate things going on here imo. I'm not a shrink and I didn't sleep at a Holliday Inn Express last night.

    First thing is the child. There's a few ways to look at this. Option one is to react the way you reacted, emotionally and probably pretty direct with her. You guys are both relatively young and I don't speak from experience only what I see my sister and brother in law doing with their son. I probably wouldn't have reacted that way even though I can be an emotional person. Another way to look at the situation is that by responding right away you're conditioning the child that you will always react right away. Her intention obviously was different and the result was a little more than insignificant but it's not the worst thing to let him cry for 30 seconds or a minute to condition them to cry it out. It could have been a bad dream or something equally insignificant. As long as it's not a constant habit it should be forgiven.

    Secondly, I'm not sure you really love this girl enough to marry her. It's not normal to go from questioning the status of a relationship to marriage and back down to maybe breaking up all together. If her unresponsiveness or delayed response time is enough to make you think about breaking up with her that's a pretty serious thing in my opinion. A marriage is supposed to be forever. It would suck to ever have to pay child support but getting married for the child is a big reason why so many people get divorced. Some of those work out and some don't but if you do it make sure you marry her for the right reasons. Getting divorced and paying child support would suck 2x as much. I think the question is did your reaction stem from something else? Did she say you weren't responsive enough or was there another event that day or that week that lead to such an emotional response? Like I said it's not normal to go from "I want to marry her" to "Should I break up?". Talk about it with her rationally, see a relationship counselor, or just think about the events that lead to your response. To me this is a much bigger issue.
     
  10. BicketyBam

    BicketyBam No Fist Pumps Allowed

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    I don't think his girlfriend is the child's mother, so child support (paid to her) wouldn't apply. That's how I read it anyway.

    As far as your first point, I agree but I don't like giving patenting advice. People get really emotional when it comes to that. And I've raised 2 kids. My son starts University of Delaware next week, alma mater of Joe Flacco!
     
  11. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 New Member

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    Coach her up on the parenting. A 21 month old shouldn't be left unattended upstairs. A million things can go wrong there.

    Maybe she didn't know better. A minute can seem like an eternity. Maybe she can plead ignorance this time.

    Maybe she will love the kid, but if you remind her that he is not hers, she will resent him and may never love him like you do. Try to take her watching him alone out of the equation as much as possible.
     
  12. GridIronKing34

    GridIronKing34 Silently Judging You Club Member

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    "LOSER! YOU'RE A LOSER! ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF?! WELL YOU SHOULD BE BECAUSE YOU ARE DIRT! YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU BIG BABY! BABY WANNA BOTTLE? A BIG DIRT BOTTLE?!"

    Do that. That should be super effective.

    :shifty:
     
  13. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 New Member

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    Don't coach her like Sherman! I was thinking more Tony Dungy.
     
  14. GridIronKing34

    GridIronKing34 Silently Judging You Club Member

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    Self righteousness? That's boring.
     
  15. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 New Member

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    Like Lombardi!

    "I need a wipe here, and a wipe here, and a wipe here...and the aquafor runs up the crack!"
     
  16. Nappy Roots

    Nappy Roots Well-Known Member

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    Upstairs apartment. Not like upstairs inside.

    Also for a couple other people, no she isn't the mom. I'm with her because I love her. But no matter how much the love I see my kid being mistreated one second and I lose it.

    And he wasn't sleeping, he was awake. So it wasn't like he was sleeping and started to cry and put down for a nap and was crying.


    I do think I over reacted a little. We talked about it last night. I explained that it can't happen. She agreed, said she thought he was crying for no reason because of something else, she said she loved him. And I think I'm satisfied with the talk. Went well.
     
  17. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 New Member

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    Glad to hear.
     
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  18. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    Sounds like you have moved it in the right direction. Good luck to you both.
     
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  19. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    you have to remember also, if she doesn't have kids, she is learning how to be a mother. **** doesn't come easy. Glad it worked out for you. Hope it continues.
     
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  20. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    Glad to hear it is moving forward. I'd make my expectations explicitly clear. If he cries go check regardless of what you may think, etc. As you know there's no instruction manual with parenting, and as Lucky says it doesn't come easy.
     
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  21. BicketyBam

    BicketyBam No Fist Pumps Allowed

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    I was "super parent" when my son was born. I was 27 and my wife was 26. We watched over him like a hawk. 16 months later my daughter was born. We didn't do half the stuff we did for our son because we learned. If letting your kid cry for 10 minutes is a crime, then lock me up. My daughter would still be walking around with a pacifier if we hadn't let her *scream* nightly for a week. What did I do? I bought ear plugs. No lie.
     
  22. Fin-Omenal

    Fin-Omenal Initiated

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    I have a few little f--k trophies myself, and I absolutely would've went ballistic also.

    Nothing wrong with a little spying at some point to verify she's keeping her word. After all, that is your child and nothing is out of bounds in regards to ensuring his saftey.
     

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