Light Hearted Look at the Power Rankings After Week 3

Super Bowl Contenders (Previous week there were 12 contenders)

1) Cowboys - What is it with Hollywood starlets and their attraction to goofy looking Southerners? Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts? Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson? Keannu Reeves and Clay Aiken? The only thing goofier looking then Tony Romo was watching the Green Bay secondary trying to cover Miles Austin on deep routes (prior ranking 1)

2) Titans - Welcome to the biggest, baddest, mofos in the NFL. Riding a punishing running game and pain inducing defense they are my nominee for team that causes the most injuries to the opposition in 2008. Word is that Parcells watches games of the Titans before making love to his wife. Apparently he likes to rewind the parts where Bullock or Haynesworth crash an opponent (prior ranking 4)

3) Chargers - I know what you’re saying. “ But Adam, they’re not even the best team in their division” Won/Lost records are for chumps. Just ask the New York Giants and Pittsburgh Steelers of recent years. This category is for Super Bowl Contenders not Divisional Title Contenders. By being in prime wild card position, the Chargers are easily the favorite of wild card contenders to get to the Super Bowl. Besides, embarrassing the New York Jests on national television is far more worthy of recognition than squeaking by a team no one hates , the New Orleans Saints (prior ranking 6)

4) Eagles - Three reasons the Eagles are ranked this high. 1) they blitzed 85% of the plays against the Steelers showing the word mercy is a foreign concept to them much to the misery of Big Ben 2) DeSean Jackson caught five passes on Sunday and didn’t fling one ball on the turf before he was tackled. Its great to see rookie receivers improve by leaps and bounds week to week 3) and most importantly the Eagles punter, Sav Rocca is ranked number 2 in the NFC. Sav Rocca, easily the coolest name in all of football (prior ranking 9)

5) Broncos - As Jay Cutler matures and the Broncos offense just keeps improving, their defense just keeps getting worse and worse at a slightly faster pace then the offense is improving. It shouldn’t be a worry for Denver fans however, as by my calculations, if current offensive and defensive trends continue at their current pace, they wont lose a game until week 13. The calculations show that the Broncos will lose that game 90- 87. A squeaker. (prior ranking 3)

6) Panthers - I know, I know, How does a team move up one place in the rankings after losing a game to the winless Vikings? Is it because Julius Peppers got his first sack Sunday and looks to be getting into mid season form. No. Is it because Steve Smith came back last week to add to the Panthers offensive firepower? Furthest thing from my mind. Is it because Travelle Wharton is finally returning from injury to shore up the offensive line that gave up five sacks and couldn’t open a hole for the running game against the Vikings? Lol, as if that had any bearing on the Panthers season. No the answer is quite simple, they wont have to play against the mighty Gus Frerotte again who is 4-0 against them lifetime. This bodes well for them to end up the season 15-1. (prior ranking 7)

7) Giants - The Oscar Madison’s of the football world continue winning. The mighty Bengalees took the SuperBowl champions to overtime before the sleepwalking Manning woke up and remembered that the Cincinnati defense sucked. This after keeping the powerful Rams competitive in their game the week prior. Clearly the Giants are enjoying toying with inferior competition. Kind of like a dog owner who pretends to throw a stick, then hides it behind his back only to watch his dog chase the imaginary throw. After the bye week the Giants plan to do the wheelbarrow with the Seahawks. Don’t lie, you know you loved doing that as a kid (prior ranking 5)

8) Packers - After the Dallas game, CB Al Harris had blood in his urine, CB Charles Woodson was limping heavily, FS Nick Collins had a bruised lower back, SS Atari Bigby had a strained hamstring, WR James Jones had a sprained MCL, RB Ryan Grant still had his problem hamstring, RB Kregg Lumpkin had a strained hamstring, RB Brandon Jackson had a concussion and this writer developed cramped fingers after typing up this injury list. (prior ranking 2)

9) Colts - Their defense cant stop the run and their banged up offensive line can’t run block or pass block. Apparently Cam Cameron has replaced Tony Dungy as coach of the Indianapolis Colts (prior ranking 8)

10) Buccaneers - Tampa Bay fans are nervously awaiting the drug testing results of coach Jon Gruden after the coach had Brian Griese throw a club record 67 passes last Sunday. Las Vegas has posted its latest odds on the drug possibilities they expect to find in Jon Gruden’s system: Marijuana 10 to 1, Cocaine 7 to 1, LSD 2 to 1. (prior ranking 11)

Playoff Contenders

11) Jills - The Buffalo Jills were well on their way to their first loss of the season to the “Just Lose Baby” Raiders until Oakland’s defensive coordinator Rob Ryan got a call from Al Davis to tank the game in an effort to undermine Lane Kiffin and immediately went into prevent defense mode early in the 4th quarter and allowed Trent Edwards to lead the Cinderella Jills to their improbable comeback. Unfortunately the Raiders wont be in the playoffs this year so have those Sabres jerseys ready come January Buffalo fans. (prior ranking 13)

12) Steelers - Apparently the offensive line problems that have been effecting Pittsburgh lately stem from the fact that Big Ben has been getting a little too friendly with his hands under the center. Consider, the beating Roethslisberger took last Sunday a message from the Steelers offensive line to the quarterback that the Steelers aren’t Clay Aiken fans. (prior ranking 10)

13) Bears - Brian Griese had 67 pass attempts and zero sacks against the Bears. Supposedly the reason for this was due to the fact that the Bears defensive line misunderstood that simply because Brian Griese had red in his uniform didn’t mean they weren’t allowed to sack him. (prior ranking 16)

14) Patriots - Coach Bellicheat has to reevaluate his philosophy of stocking up his defense from the pool of NFL players that receive social security checks. Give Sparano credit for figuring out the Teddy Bruschi would have a very difficult time stopping Ronnie Brown while carrying a colostomy bag. (prior ranking 12)

15) Cardinals - The Arizona mini-Steelers stumbled against the Redskins last week. Apparently the Redskins surprised them by covering Anquan Boldin with a cornerback instead of a linebacker. Sorry Ken, you’re going to have to work for your next victory. (prior ranking 14)

16) Vikings - Sorry can’t get excited by a team whose leaders go by the names of Brad, Gus, Adrian and Jared. Now if I was starting up a new boy band to be the next New Kids On the Block, I would be very excited (prior ranking 15)

17) Saints - So long as the Saints have to make more than one yard they are fine. Its only when they are put in short yardage situations that they turn into the St Louis Rams as last week’s performance of going 2 for 7 on 3rd and 1 proved. Payton thinks he has solved the problem going forward however by instructing his players to commit false start penalties every time they find themselves in 3rd and 1 situations. On a side note Payton isn’t worried about Martin Grammatica after the kicker missed two field goals that would have been the difference in winning. Apparently Martin learned from his brother Bill, not to make any field goals that may cause him to jump in celebration. The strategy going forward is to use him in only the first and third quarters when excitement levels are at a minimum (prior ranking 17)

18) Redskins - Jason Taylor avoided nerve damage when he was kicked in the calf by immediately having surgery to drain the affected area. Sadly tens of thousands of New York Mets fans haven’t been as lucky as they have lost all sense of feeling after getting kicked repeatedly in the nuts every September. (prior ranking 19)

19) Texans - Middle linebacker Demeco Ryans inspired his defensive teammates at halftime of last week with a speech worthy of Vince Lombardi. The determined Texans defense came out and held the bulldozer Titans to a measly field goal and 88 yards in the second half. Unfortunately the Texans offense scored a negative seven points in that same amount of time after Courtland Finnegan returned an interception for a touchdown. Next week Demeco Ryans intends to give an inspirational speech to his offensive teammates before the game. Word is it will be accompanied by a baseball bat. (prior ranking 21)

20) 49ers - The economy may be hurting in the rest of the country but in San Francisco people are partying like its 1999. Sales of wine, cheese and KY Jelly have exploded through the roof as the 49ers have returned back to their winning ways. (prior ranking 27)

21) Ravens - First year coach John Harbaugh has an interesting family. His younger brother Jim is the head coach of Stanford and former NFL QB. His father Jack was a head coach for Western Michigan‘s football team. His brother in law, Tom Crean is the current head coach of the Indiana University basketball team and his six year old daughter is current coach of hopscotch at her kindergarten school. (prior ranking 28)

22) Dolphins - Tony Sparano and Dan Henning’s innovative offensive experiments are just beginning. Word is that against the Chargers, the Dolphins will employ the Wild Hippo offense that sees Randy Starks replace Derek Hagan at receiver. Though some speed will be lost at the position, the coaching staff feels it will be more than offset by the improvement in hands that Starks brings to the game. (prior ranking 26)

23) Jaguars - Rather than spend the money needed to retain defensive tackle stalwart Marcus Stroud, the Jacksonville front office chose to spend that money more wisely…namely bribing officials that referee their games. The first returns on that wise investment strategy bore fruition when the 4th down incomplete pass by Garrard was nullified by a mysterious pass interference call on the final game winning drive. (prior ranking 20)

24) Jests - 37 year old Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum is leading by a wide margin as a candidate for GM of the year in a poll conducted by NFL.Com. After his brilliant off season strategy of overspending on free agents to produce a win now situation, he capped off his finest off season by dumping a veteran QB well versed in his coach’s offense and replacing him with another much older veteran completely unfamiliar with that offense who can decide to retire or unretire on a whim. The most impressive part of this maneuver was waiting till August 6th to bring in Brett Favre, a quarterback known for his improvisational skills that require a good chemistry with his receivers to be effective. What was interesting about the poll conducted was that 98% of the votes came from Miami, Boston and Buffalo. (prior ranking 18)


Purgatory (Neither Heaven Or Hell)

25) Seahawks -OT Sean Locklear, starting receivers Bobby Engram and Deion Branch, new wide receiver Koren Robinson, running back Maurice Morris and backup quarterback Seneca Wallace should all return after the bye week to play against the Giants. It will be interesting to see what the Seahawks will do with the receivers since they currently have that tremendous receiving corps made up of Courtney Taylor, Logan Payne, Billy McMullen and Samie Parker. I had hoped to have Phins.com’s own Conuficus give me a rundown on these receivers since I haven’t had a chance to scout them but unfortunately he was busy watching film of Appalachian State for a possible 7th round backup offensive guard the Dolphins may target in next year’s draft. Luckily, Conuficus has a brother in Seattle, Confusion, who is just as much of a football nut as the rest of us and he agreed to email me a 65 page scouting report on the four receivers. As soon as I get it I’ll pass it on. (prior ranking 23)

26) Falcons - The Falcons have proven they can beat up on the weaker teams in football, the way Michael Vick beat on the dogs that didn’t win for him. Apparently electric prods were used against the Chiefs last Sunday to ensure victory. An interesting development was that Kansas City fans contacted Atlanta Coach Mike Smith and requested that he keep his players in Kansas City for an extra day so that the Falcons could continue cattle prodding Herm Edwards. (prior ranking 30)

Masochist Club (Beat Me, Beat Me)

27) Raiders - Lane Kiffin has voiced presidential aspirations to his friends and colleagues. Apparently he’s been inspired by the success John McCain has exhibited on the national stage. Republican strategists are very impressed by Kiffin’s resume. Seeing the success they have had highlighting McCain’s heroic survival being a prisoner of war of the North Vietnamese, the strategists believe Lane Kiffin’s current prisoner of war status at the hands of the ever more evil Al Davis will be an even more successful marketing campaign. (prior ranking 24)

28) Bengals - There has been a misunderstanding about Chad Johnson changing his name to Ocho Cinco. Chad wasn’t really changing his name, he was merely predicting the amount of receiving yards he would have this season. He’s actually changing his name to Nostradamus. (prior ranking 29)

29) Browns - Coach Romeo Crennel said he would evaluate every position on the team in an effort to save the Browns' season. Sadly, Crennel was seen crying after only one evaluation. Apparently he was so upset he had to stop after evaluating the position of head coach. (prior ranking 25)

30) Lions - Matt Millen certainly knew who was to blame for last years Detroit Lions collapse….Mike Martz who was quickly fired last year. Martz somehow scammed the 49ers into thinking he was qualified to be an offensive coordinator. Well Matt Millen had the last laugh as his mighty Lions juggernaut held the feeble 49ers to a measly 370 total yards. Unfortunately for Matt, ownership stabbed him in the back and let him go before he was able to complete his masterful 30 year plan to get the Lions back in the playoffs. Not to worry, Al Davis is quickly working on bringing Matt to Oakland where he will be welcomed with open arms. (prior ranking 22)

31) Chiefs - Herm Edwards. Did you laugh? I know I did. (I have no intention of changing this evaluation all year) (prior ranking 31)

32) Rams - So Trent Green suffered a concussion in Kansas City, then went to play behind the 2007 Dolphins offensive line and will now play behind the 2008 Rams line. Clearly he’s still suffering from concussion syndrome. (prior ranking 32)

 

Maybe I'm the one who suffered a concussion

 

Very true. Let me ask you since you live there. It seemed to me that San Diego is slowly improving on defense week to week. Thats why the ranking was where it was. I expect them to continue to improve as the season wears on. As for Miami, I just want to see which team shows up for the next game, the mediocre team that lost to the Jets, the horrible team that lost to the Cards or the very good team that beat the Pasties. Its typical for a team with as much turnover year to year as we had. Once we gel completely, I'll feel comfortable knowing where to put them. Right now I'm just throwing darts in the dark. On a positive note though, they moved into the playoff contender category

 

Now I'm worried. Why was that in my head?

 

I couldnt come up with anything for the Seahawks so I had to cheat and bring in an outside reference.

 

Thx man. I'll do my best to keep it going every week

 

I have a good vibe too. My gut tells me that the team we saw against the Patriots is pretty much the team we're going to see throughout the year and that the first two games was just us trying to figure out how to play with each other. The San Diego offense scares me though. Their defense not so much

 

Oh God.... Lucas. Forgot about him. I had tourette's syndrome every time I was forced to watch him play for us.

Yeah I agree. If we can beat the Chargers, Dolphins fans will go nuts. Hope will finally turn into belief and it will be a year long party

 

If we can pressure them all day then we have a great chance to win. Thats going to be the key. If we cant get to Rivers its going to be tough to contain LT, Gates, Chambers, Jackson and now Davis

 

ahev a good one. thx for the Bolts updates

 

Chambers stats this year are simply bizarre. Its amazing he has that many TDs on so few receptions

 

you talking about Hardwick or FinFan in Cali?

 

well hopefully he doesnt run a 4.3