Light Hearted Look at the Power Rankings

Super Bowl Contenders
1) Cowboys - Are the Cowboys really the best team in the NFL? Absolutely not. But the Dallas Cowboys PR machine has paid me a sizable amount of money to put them in first place. Felix Jones for Rookie MVP baby!

2) Packers - Are the Packers the second best team in the NFL? Absolutely not. But the NFL has paid me to hype the Sunday Night Matchup. Aaron Rodgers will soon be sleeping with some publicity hungry celebrity trying to make a comeback. Rumor is Ellen Degeneres will be his luxury box this weekend. Aaron can heat up any frozen tundra.

3) Broncos - Are the Broncos really the third best team? Absolutely not but I received seven dollars and two lifesavers to put them here from the NFL’s front office to hype the next John Elway. Apparently it would have been more but the Cowboys/ Packers game has depleted the marketing money of the NFL. Not to worry, the NFL will soon declare itself an investment bank and get 80 billion dollars from the government as a bailout.

4) Titans - Granted, a team named after the original New York Jets should never be this high but after ditching Neil Young and His Crazy Horse, the Titans find themselves with a carbon copy of the 2000 Baltimore Ravens team. A dominant defense, a very good running team, a game manager QB. The only difference is they have a coach who hasn’t appeared on a Coors Lite commercial yet

5) Giants - The Giants started out the season by destroying two not ready for prime time teams. Bunch of bullies if you ask me. On an interesting side note, Justin Tuck and Tom Brady have agreed to be in a Tuck’s medicated pad commercial together. Apparently Tuck will be the cause of Brady’s medical problem in the commercial.

6) Chargers - How does a team that starts out 0-2 get this high. Well Norv Turner got on the phone with me and complained and whined so long that finally I just broke down.

7) Panthers - The Cardiac Cats are back. Jake Delhomme and his Six Million Dollar Man arm is back to full health. Sheez, remember when six million dollars seemed like a lot of money? Nowadays, six million dollars gets you a 3rd string free safety.

8) Colts- In an interesting turnaround, Goodell and the NFL decided to force Peyton Manning to play behind the 2007 Miami Dolphins offensive line in their ceaseless drive for parity. Unfortunately for John Beck apologists, they can no longer use the excuse “even Peyton Manning couldn’t win behind that line”

9) Eagles - Interesting question? Who committed the dumbest play last week? DeSean Jackson and his eagerness to spot the ball for a two point conversion or the Cowboys defense and their oblivious cluelessness regarding a loose ball on the goalline. Apparently the Cowboys are to be forgiven since they were showing a Leon Lett retrospective on the jumbotron and the Cowboys defenders were distracted.

10) Steelers - Mike Timlin and Romeo Crennel apparently had a wager on who could stay in the same pose the longest throughout their game last week. Timlin decided to go with the calm, focused, aware look of a leader while Romeo decided to go with the I think I just crapped my pants look. Timlin won the bet and the game.

11) Buccaneers - Apparently the John Gruden philosophy is too load up on backup quarterbacks in the preseason and then trade them as other teams suffer injuries to the position. Apparently the Hunt brothers were advising him.

12) Patriots - Matt Cassell is the new face of the Patriots. Strangely, four years of being in close proximity to Brady has caused his face to begin morphing into Brady’s. I’m starting to get a Man In the Iron Mask feel here.

Playoff Possibilities
13) Bills - The Buffalo Bills have quietly built a team that is one or two years away from competing for a SuperBowl. Unfortunately for the people of Buffalo, the team will be sold to Toronto just as the Bills are good enough to win the SuperBowl ensuring that Buffalo never tastes national victory. Consider it Canadian revenge for the Quebec Nordiques/ Colorado Avalanche fiasco.

14) Cardinals - Ken Whisenhunt is quickly transforming the Cardinals into the west’s version of the storied Pittsburgh Steelers. Trying to create some fan participation he tried to incorporate an Arizona version of the Terrible Towel. Fortunately the NFL quickly stopped the practice of waving illegal aliens at the games.

15) Vikings - Gus Frerotte returns to start for his 78th team. Apparently his ability to be accurate for 1 and a ½ quarters is preferable to Tavaris Jackson’s inability to know what he’s supposed to do on any given play

16) Bears - The Bears stubbornly go on with their philosophy of transforming the game of football to the days before the forward pass. Next week more of the Bronko Nagurski and Red Grange offensive playbook will be put in place to speed up the process.

17) Saints - The Saints are the alter ego of the Bears and have abandoned the idea of playing with a defense. Apparently this is in memory of the victims of the hurricane Katrina disaster of a while back and their defense is modeled after the levees that protected the city

18) Jets - Only the Jets could turn a team with no glaring weaknesses into a 8-8 season. Brett didn’t realize this but this is where football players go to die.

Purgatory Teams (Neither Heaven nor Hell)
19) Redskins - The Redskins have a good defense a promising offense still getting used to playing under Jim Zorn. Unfortunately for them they play in a division that has the Giants, Cowboys and Eagles in it. Kinda like Poland felt back in the 1800s when they had the Russian, German and the Austrian Hungarian Empires in their league.

20) Jaguars - The good news for Beck apologists is they can still use the line “even David Garrard couldn’t win behind that line” Unfortunately you’re not going to win a lot of debates with that line

21) Texans - Rule number 1 in hurricane disaster relief is timing is everything. Don’t copycat New Orleans only a few years after. Been there done that. We want new disasters. Try an earthquake next time.

22) Lions - Who has the worst secondary, Detroit or Miami? Answer, Detroit because they actually tried to improve it and still failed.

The Masochist Club - Beat Me! Beat Me!
23) Seahawks - This is Mike Holmgren’s last season in Seattle and he is generously losing every game so that his successor Jim Mora will be greeted with open arms by the fans next year

24) Raiders - Welcome to another year of As the Raiders Turn. This year’s episodes will center around the characters of Al Davis, the old millionaire who is suffering from senility but continues to run his family’s business affairs into the ground. Lane Kiffin, the young rebellious child who is always at opposition with his father and Rob Ryan, the other brother and family suckup intent on gaining control of the family. The old advertising line describing the show “Just win baby” has been changed to “Just Die Already So We Can Get a New Owner”

25)Browns - Apparently the curse of the AFC North where coaches go and forget how to coach their specialty continues. Billick, Lewis, Crennel, etc.. Only Pittsburgh seems to be immune. Crennel the defensive coordiantor of the Patriots defenses has brought his special insight to Cleveland. Apparently his special skill was delivering hot coffee to Bill Belichik because they are still waiting for a defense in Cleveland

26) Dolphins - Bill Parcells has secretly been installing his new revolutionary defensive scheme piece by piece. Word is this will transform the NFL for the 21st century by having a defense made up of nothing but linebackers. Anquan Boldin has forced Bill to return to the drawing boards to tweak his revolutionary concept.

27) 49ers - Alex Smith is reportedly set to retire and become a sports agent. News is his first client will be Matt Stafford. Alex’s experience with overhyped first round QB prospects looks to be invaluable in next year’s draft

28) Ravens - Cam Cameron inherited Willis Mcgahee and quickly decided to reduce his carries by giving the ball to superior prospects like Ray Rice and Le’Ron McClain. Ahh the more things change the more they stay the same. Supposedly next year, Cameron will push for drafting the smallest QB available in the draft to replace the gigantic Flacco. Oh wait Troy Smith is coming back

29) Bengals - Marvin Lewis has a philosophy that he lives by. Unfortunately for the good people of Cincinnati he misunderstood the original saying and is going by the slogan of “If it ain’t working don’t fix it”

30) Falcons - After rushing for 2 touchdowns and 220 yards and setting Atlanta rushing records in his debut, Mike Smith did what every coach in the NFL would’ve done with Michael Turner, reduce his carries to 14 and hand the game over to a rookie QB to try to win. He's a sneaky one that Mike Smith

31) Chiefs - Herm Edwards. Did you laugh? I know I did

32) Rams - Apparently Randy McMichael can only play well for Scott Linehan. Unfortanetly for Randy, Scott will soon be selling insurance.

 

Hey, BTW, you gave me the inspiration for doing this. Hope you dont mind. I actually have the Titans as my darkhorse to represent the AFC in the SuperBowl (I think they have the best defense in the NFL) with the Chargers and Broncos my favorites. I think injuries will determine who ends up there in the end. The Giants could move up big time after they play a quality team. Right now I have a few concerns regarding them. Panthers are my darkhorse to represent the NFC in the SuperBowl. The NFC is so tough however. There are at least 6 Super Bowl legitimate teams in it

 

Yeah I'm a huge fan of Jeff Fisher and was kinda hoping we got him when there was a slight question as to whether he would resign with the Titans. I think he gets more out of less than any other coach in the NFL. As long as Haynesworth and Bullock stay healthy, that defense is just fearsome. If one of them gets injured they are going to have a rough time however

 

It might get them in trouble but this tema reminds me of the Ravens and Buccaneers teams that won the SuperBowl. Its going to take a very good team to knock them out

 

I agree. The ranking is based on a Kerry Collins led Titans