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Maybe a weird question - when people are closed to you, than you are to them...

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by Unlucky 13, Mar 8, 2015.

  1. Unlucky 13

    Unlucky 13 Just a Guy Club Member

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    I'll try to make a long story short but concise. I've never been good at meeting people. I'm a very quiet and anxious person, and generally always need someone else to invite me to be part of something in order to get into it. However, at most of my stops in life when I was young - high school, two universities, and then the town that I worked in for my first job, I fell in with a group of people that I would spend time with. Some became close friends, some just people I'd hang out with when we went out as a group. After each stop, thanks to email and the internet, I'd try to keep in touch and visit and get together when I traveled back to where they live. With many, I remained close with them for years afterwards and we'd have a great time and catch up.

    Eleven years ago, I took a promotion with my former employer that moved me 450 miles away from my home town to another state. The good news is that I met my wife five months later, and because she's from the area and all of her family are here, we stayed. Unfortunately, my wife was the last close friend I ever made. I worked for the same company for ten more years, with stints in two different cities (commuting from the same house, halfway between), and made some casual friends at both places, but no one who I'd ever hang out with outside of work, let alone feel close to. I don't fit in very well in this area, and have a hard time meeting people similar to myself.

    Then comes my question.

    I've come to realize over the past few months something odd and uncomfortable about my friendships. I guess it should be really logical and obvious, but sometimes when its your own life, you don't realize things you would about others. In many if not all cases with my friends from stops in the past (both the close friends from my younger days, and the casual ones from more recently), I look at the other person as a much closer friend than they likely do me now.

    With some, I may look at them as one of my closest two or three friends in the world, but due to life and moving on, I'm now maybe not in their top 20. I've increasingly failed in attempts to catch up with most of the ones that I used to, and people who I used to see face to face 3-4 times a year and talk with online all the time I haven't seen in person in years and only talk rarely.

    With others, maybe I was in their 10-15 range when we worked together, and now maybe I'm some weird guy that they used to know who says hi on Facebook and creeps them out.

    Should I quit making an effort with the majority of them, you think? I don't want to come across as someone who can't let go, or seem like I'm cyberstalking anyone. Still, at the same time, its tough to go through life not really seeing or talking to anyone other than my wife and her family and remain sane. Thankfully, I do have a wonderful marriage and my wife and I share a ton of things in common.
     
  2. finsfandan

    finsfandan Well-Known Member

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    I'm young so maybe I don't have the right perspective but maybe you can feel out the situation by trying to reminisce with those you feel or felt closest to. See how they react. If they warm up to you, good. Cold reaction and it's time to let go.
     
  3. Alex44

    Alex44 Boshosaurus Rex

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    You can't worry about it too much. So what if you're that weird friend? Not saying you are, but it just means you care about the people you come into contact with and get to know. There is nothing wrong with that at all. Just keep being yourself.
     
  4. MikeHoncho

    MikeHoncho -=| Censored |=- Club Member

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    You can always hang with us.
     
  5. JOHN_M

    JOHN_M New Member

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    My wife is my best friend, I have no other friends! I'm pretty much an untrusting ********! And I wouldn't have it any other way! There are no rules saying you have to like or be liked by other people!


    Sent from my  6+
     
  6. Boik14

    Boik14 Admin Staff Member Club Member Retired Administrator

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    What happens if you get divorced? I dont wish it at all, just sayin.....
     
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  7. Unlucky 13

    Unlucky 13 Just a Guy Club Member

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    I can't speak for anyone else, but if I were to lose my wife, my life would be a really dark hole. I would manage to go on because of my kids and needing and wanting to be a good father, but otherwise I'd be done.
     
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  8. texanphinatic

    texanphinatic Senior Member

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    At the end of the day, if you really look hard at yourself, do you care and does it really matter to you? I am quite similar to much of what you described; quiet, shy, anxious and generally I just plain don't like most people. I found a woman who I did click with and we became best friends and got married and I have been happy enough with that. Just passed our 7th anniversary. No kiddos, but we still have the same connection now that we did then. To answer Boik, I just don't see it as possible that a divorce would happen. I can't really explain the bond we have. Kindred souls is a corny and trite term, but it would suffice I suppose.

    She is somewhat similar with the lack of friends as well, and while she feels some pressure about it, I generally do not. I think it would be nice to have some good friends, but I don't concern myself with it. I grew up basically moving every 2-4 years for the first 25ish years of my life and feel that has kind of shaped my personality to a large degree. I just have never really been a person that seeks others, and mostly I hate being part of a group, especially if I don't know everyone. I get intensely uncomfortable and anxious.

    Inherently, humans are supposed to be social creatures, but in any population variance occurs. We may - for a variety of reasons - be part of that variance. IMO, If you are ok with your situation deep down after an honest soul search (sometimes we just misinterpret pressure from what society expects than what we actually feel) then just be happy with what you have and be open to new things. If you are unhappy, then you may have some deeper feelings starting to rise after being repressed for awhile. That might mean you would need to look and work harder at joining or creating a social group you can partake in. Maybe try and look for hobbyist groups? Golf, fishing, rec sports, art clubs, etc? I dunno, that's not really my thing.

    Good luck!
     
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  9. Boik14

    Boik14 Admin Staff Member Club Member Retired Administrator

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    This is why you always have a couple of friends that are more you're then hers. Doesn't have to be a lot, just a couple you trust to confide in and hang with for a game to keep life normal. Sorry that's the best advice I can give for this thread but watching a couple of my friends get divorced and being in similar situations, it's kind of awkward lol :) :console:

    IMO Alex and Texan answered your question pretty well. I'm just saying about 60% of marriages do end in divorce and that's why you always keep a few friends on the side you can talk to and hang with if you ever become part of that stat. What happens to a lot people when they get divorced is that they don't have a lot of friends and the divorce not only leaves them lonely but depressed because they're lonely. That how you end up living in an apartment with 6 cats and being the crazy neighbor :lol:
     
  10. Stringer Bell

    Stringer Bell Post Hard, Post Often Club Member

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    What are your hobbies?
     
  11. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    I would hope you like yourself. That may sound flippant but it is meant to be affirming. If you like you, then others will likely come around.

    I have no sibling and very little family. I have always invested more in friendships than most folks seem to reciprocate. It took a while but as I began to understand them and be more tolerant, a few very, very close friends emerged from the crowd of acquaintances. It took lots of time and my personal investment.
     
  12. Unlucky 13

    Unlucky 13 Just a Guy Club Member

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    I get where you're coming from. I've had a few friends end up getting divorced. One is on his second wife and has a kid with a third woman. However, I'm really, really secure and happy with my wife, and have zero worries about us. She's the best friend that I've ever had, and now that we're parents, things are different but we're as close as ever.
     
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  13. Unlucky 13

    Unlucky 13 Just a Guy Club Member

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    Along with being a big NFL and MLB fan, I like video games, sci fi and fantasy movies and shows, and when I can, traveling to places with either ancient history, or museums.

    Around where I live, many people have a more traditional "rural" mentality. Hunting and fishing and other outdoor activities are very popular, and I have less than zero interest. Some of my wife's family has church as their main hobby as well, spending not only all day Sunday there, but several nights a week too. I'm not religious myself.
     
  14. Unlucky 13

    Unlucky 13 Just a Guy Club Member

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    People have said things like that to me for a long time. Especially when I was single before I met my wife. I've just never really been able to really understand the idea behind it.

    I'm me. I don't want to be anyone else. I do the best that I can, but I also believe very strongly in always trying to do better. I'm satisfied with the way that I live my life, and I think that I'm a good husband/father/son ect, but I'm also a big believer in being extremely humble, not just outwardly, but inwardly too. I'm not the kind of person that projects any kind of charismatic aura that leads to people wanting to be around me, but I don't want to either. I think that a lot of people like that are phony.
     
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  15. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    It sounds like you do like yourself then. I counsel lots of folks who find themselves ugly or failures or.....fill in the blank. I am happy for you.
     
  16. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    For your original question, sounds like you are like me and might over analyze. People drift apart. If you want to stay active in their lives continue to make the effort. You lose nothing really.
     

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