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Need Some Advice TODAY!

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by KeyFin, Sep 6, 2019.

  1. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    Okay folks, I haven't caught you up on my brother in about six months. Quick recap- we were both adopted at birth, found him last year thru 23&Me, and learned he's been in jail most of his adult life for weed-related charges. I got him out of jail in March and moved him to SC with me even though we barely knew him...and he's done incredible. Got a job the 2nd day he was here, frequently worked 60-70 hours a week at a restaurant and advanced up to manager, and generally is just super helpful and supportive around the house.

    The only downside- he still smokes weed and his boss at the restaurant sells weed...so that's been a major problem we couldn't have foreseen. He has Turrets Syndrome and marijuana instantly calms him down, so I don't love him smoking it but I also understand. He usually smokes just enough to relax- he rarely "gets stoned".

    This past week, his boss talked him into going down to Orlando (in the hurricane no less) to get introduced to one of my brother's old weed contacts. They got pulled over in an evacuation zone before they even got there, there's an illegal gun in the car, and they arrest my brother for it because of his Florida history. I know for a fact that it was his boss's gun and my brother will get out of these charges eventually, but here's where the advice part comes in.

    His bail is $400 and he has like $300 savings in his bedroom here, so I can bail him out no problem. But my 18 year old doesn't want him here anymore because he smokes weed...and my wife doesn't want my kid to feel uncomfortable. So they're telling me not to let him come back here even though he has nowhere else to go (except back to his drug dealer friends in Florida). Meanwhile, my 20 year old (who also smokes weed) and her husband also live with us and they both really want him back here. So we're torn as a family and someone's going to be really mad/sad no matter what.

    I want to get him, of course, because he's my brother and a really good guy at heart- he's just a dumb *** that can't hang out with drug dealers at work. Even though he's done great overall, that job (and his loser boss) completely screwed him in the long run. So he needs a new job no matter what but the way he works, that won't be a problem. I think he's really done with weed as well.

    So what do I do? Bail him out and leave him in Florida? Leave him in jail for months waiting on trial? Bring him home and let my 18 year old "get over it"?
     
  2. invid

    invid Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Do your 18-year old or 20-year old have any plans to move out? College? Own place?

    Totally can empathize with how your 18-year old feels. Having a guest you feel uncomfortable with staying in your home can totally compromise a space that you feel comfortable and safe in, and early adulthood years can be a tumultuous time where you're dealing with a lot of complicated issues. On the same hand, it could be a learning experience for him to deal with some adversity. If he plans on moving into a dorm room or anything he'll have to learn how to deal with living with a non-optimal roommate anyway.

    I would instill some urgency in your brother when you decide to bring him back, and maybe set some guidelines. Sometimes people can take advantage of your grace and hospitality if you don't.
     
    KeyFin likes this.
  3. Galant

    Galant Love - Unity - Sacrifice - Eternity Staff Member

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    Not simple.
    Caring for wife and kids takes priority.
    However, teaching and encouraging mercy and forgiveness is vital.
    Can you explain to your brother that he can come back but with house rules? No weed in the house. That he risks losing that place to live if he repeats. And maybe that he needs to take a step to get some accountability to stay away from those involved with drugs if not weed entirely. That maintaining the status quo isn't enough, he needs to keep moving forward and building and moving away from drugs.

    And anything else that might make your wife and son more comfortable?
     
    invid and KeyFin like this.
  4. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    My 18 year old daughter is doing a year of community college before going away to school, so she has approximately 9 more months at home. Meanwhile, my 20 year old daughter smokes weed and is likely to never leave the nest...even though she's married.

    I really appreciate your advice!
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
  5. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, we started out with "no weed in the house" and all was well for about a month since he was staying away from it anyway. But at work, they were smoking it on breaks and after they got off...so eventually he gave into temptation and told me about it. I said no problem, I was glad he was honest, but told him to keep it outside.

    Once my 20 year old daughter moved back in though with her husband, the rules became a lot more relaxed. They weren't smoking inside, but they'd sit on the screened in back porch smoking...even when company came over or something. That's where the 18 year old got mad and felt my brother was taking advantage of us. It was more just my wife and I not exploding over it because it was just as much our older kid's fault. Two pot heads in any home is never a good way to teach restraint, LOL.

    I'm pretty sure he'll move away from drugs at this point anyway, plus he was interviewing for a new job the days leading up to their trip to Florida. He is a good guy and considerate of others though- he just grew up around people smoking pot so he doesn't realize it could be a big deal to others. A conversation can probably fix that and we'd have an 8 hour drive home to discuss things at length.

    It's just getting my younger daughter to realize he does deserve a 2nd chance...my wife is okay with by brother here, but of course she wants to side with our kid. And I do too- this is just really tough.

    My brother- how do I explain this? He's super intelligent but at the same time, he's a complete idiot when it comes to common sense. Maybe it's years in jail but he generally goes with the flow, tries to make everyone happy and doesn't really think things through. So none of this weed stuff is him doing anything to make us mad....he just doesn't realize how bad it upsets my 18 year old daughter. And my wife/I have put off that awkward conversation so it's sort of our fault as well.

    TY for your opinion....this does help!
     
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2019
  6. Galant

    Galant Love - Unity - Sacrifice - Eternity Staff Member

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    Perhaps some strength to rely on is the reality that you aren't obliged to do anything for him, he's an adult, but that love moves you to do so. You're not doing this because you have to but because you want to. And that's not always easy to come by in this world. Your brother needs to understand that (and it sounds like maybe he might already) - that's not something he wants to waste. There's a point where his actions may cause too much damage to those around him and your family, and that's where he gets cut off. No one wants him cut off, but he is the one and only person who can take it to that point, most likely as a result of bad choices. So he needs to focus heavily on making good choices. Just like one where he doesn't get in a car to go to Florida on the hunt for herbs. That was a bad choice. Even just pursuing that friendship with his boss was a bad choice. He's a grown up. He has to make choices. He needs to work heavily on making good ones and being darned disciplined about it.

    He can choose life and love and family, or he can choose something else - but every choice, no matter how small, will head in one direction or the other. That's empowering. He needs to start taking advantage of that power, and the support you want to lend him. The future can be bright, but he needs to build up, not dig down.

    Don't be afraid to set whatever standard is necessary. And maybe you need to talk to your son too. Indirectly he is hurting his sister, and mom, too.

    Not easy. But it sounds like you're the measuring rod in this one. Be straight and true. And good on you for your love to this guy you barely know.

    Heart of God stuff, that is.
     
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  7. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    Well, my wife relented and told me to go ahead and bail my brother out- which turned out to be an ordeal in itself. Nobody in the Daytona Beach area wanted to bond him out since he has a South Carolina address. But I found a local bond agent in my area that agreed to it and I drove down Friday night on zero sleep, then drove him back home yesterday. 14 freaking hours of driving in 24 hours w/ 4 hours total sleep....needless to say I'm pretty exhausted right now. I slept about 9 hours last night though and trying to gear up for the game.

    Anyway, we had some long talks and I told my brother he's really not welcome here if he's going to smoke weed around my 18 or 20 year old. As I expected, he didn't realize it was a problem and apologized, so I'm thinking things should be okay- he's still facing 20+ years though on the gun charge. I'm going to call the public defender's office tomorrow to try to get the charges dismissed since his boss's fingerprints are all over the gun and the clip, plus I've seen him carrying it around at work for months. But who knows...it might take actually going to trial and hoping a jury believes us.
     
  8. Galant

    Galant Love - Unity - Sacrifice - Eternity Staff Member

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    Alright well keep us posted and hope all goes well. Good behaviour here will be huge, and I suspect your presence and activity in his life will also matter.

    Will be praying for all of you.
     
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  9. KeyFin

    KeyFin Well-Known Member

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    I'm not sure if I should share this update or not, but I guess it's fine since I haven't shared any names.

    Long story short- the two guys who set up my brother with the stolen gun, they tried to meet up with my brother's old friend in Orlando anyway to buy weed. They made up some story that my brother did something crazy and got arrested on his own, and evidently the drug dealers didn't believe them. Then the drug dealers beat those guys with baseball bats and robbed them- I'm guessing they're still in a hospital somewhere in central Florida.

    I don't know how I feel about any of that, but it's pretty funny how karma works...even with criminals. Justice was ultimately served and I bet they're now wishing that they just told the truth and went to jail for the illegal gun instead.
     
  10. Pauly

    Pauly Season Ticket Holder

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    Weed dealers are far better lie detectors than any polygraph ever invented.
    Also by setting your brother up the way the did showed (a) they’re weak because they can’t deal with a problem themselves and (b) they’re untrustworthy. What they did was the equivalent of wrapping themselves in steaks, splashing a good dose of steak sauce on top and then wandering into a lion’s cage and being surprised that the lion ate them.
     
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