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Not sure what to do with my relationship

Discussion in 'Questions and Answers' started by Seeking Answers, Oct 8, 2009.

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  1. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    I have this problem, I have been dating this guy for 7 years now, and we are both in our 20s. We have been dating since he was 22 and I was 20. Most of my firends my age are married or getting married, and its not that I feel out of the loop, bujt more that I feel like hes never going to make a move. I know people do their own thing on theri own time, but i'm not too sure that he loves me. I feel like i'm affectionate all the time and he just doesnt care and lots of people tell me to leave him for various reasons ( not that hes a bad guy) hes never stryaed that I konw of, other than our first month together he went out with another girl and didnt tell me until later, but we weren't exclusive yet at that pooint so I can't really bring that up. but we dont do the things cuples do, and we especially dont make love. Havent done that in over a year. Which i find to be strange. But if he stays with me he should love me right? Or is he just bored? Hes a really good looking, outgoing guy, works at a bar, And we live in New York ( so it not a small area) so many many girls hit on him all the time i'm sure, but he dosent' seem to care, obviously he chose me for a reason. Could this be because i'm within his "comfort zone" ?
     
  2. Muck

    Muck Throwback Uniform Crusader Retired Administrator

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    This is probably best left to the married and long-term folks...which I am not.

    But if he hasn't made a move by now.....and there's a general malaise about the relationship, doesn't sound like it's gonna happen. You should know by now.

    The passion will fade from any relationship over time. That is normal. But it's also possible he's not attracted to you anymore.

    Perhaps the prospect of losing you.....or actually losing you....might jolt him. Maybe not. But you'll find out pretty quick.

    I assume you live together and you take care of the daily things. It's possible he's simply accepted this as his life. That this is where he is right now and that's kinda how it is. So you're gonna have to be the one to rock the boat.

    What say he of all this?
     
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  3. Fin Fan In Cali

    Fin Fan In Cali Dolphin fan since 1970 Luxury Box

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    Time to move on.:wink2:
     
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  4. DrAstroZoom

    DrAstroZoom Canary in a Coal Mine Luxury Box

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    Big red flag. It sounds like you guys are now more friends than lovers. It may be time to move on. At the very least, you need to recapture the fun of dating. But I'm sorry to say, the S.S. Complacency may have already sailed.
     
  5. azfinfanmang

    azfinfanmang Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Doc Zoom is a wise man :up:

    You have been dating for 7 years?
    You haven't made love in over 1 year?
    Neither of those are signs of the ultimate relationship.

    Also, a guy in his 20's doesn't go without sex for that long unless there is some SERIOUS commitment, or something either physically or mentally/emotionally wrong.

    I think your relationship is already over, just neither of you realize it yet
     
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  6. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh Club Member

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    For any relationship to work, there has to be equality. Neither party has to give 100%, as long the percentages being given are the same. If both parties want to give only 20% then the relationship will work.

    If you want and give 100%, and he only wants and gives 40%, then it is time to move on.

    He clearly has issues (no sex for a year, etc.), but to be frank, so do you. I think once you leave him, you need to reflect on you. Ask yourself why you've been willing to settle for less than happiness for 7 years? I suspect there's some "self devaluing" going on with you, because there generally is, when someone ignores the signs to continue on path towards misery.

    You're still young and have a LOT of life ahead of you, do yourself the biggest favor you can and leave him and fix you. There is no good reason to spend any more of your time on Earth unhappy.
     
  7. m ino

    m ino New Member

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    maybe try going out with the girl that asked you to go to the movies.you know!the one from your favorite resteraunt.

    maybe thats why your boyfriend isnt into you anymore..because your digging another girl as you mentioned in your post "should i go out with her".

    im assuming your the same "seeking answers" that made the other post.if you are then your not going to be around town for much longer so i wouldnt worry about it.if you arent i appologize and can only say your relationship with this guy may be doomed.
     
  8. DrAstroZoom

    DrAstroZoom Canary in a Coal Mine Luxury Box

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    "Seeking Answers" is the generic user name set up for posters who want to ask questions anonymously.
     
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  9. m ino

    m ino New Member

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    lol..i did not know that so again i am sorry for my confusion and please disregard that post or if the mods want to delete it.i was like wait a second..somethings not adding up.
     
  10. DrAstroZoom

    DrAstroZoom Canary in a Coal Mine Luxury Box

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    I can see where that might be confusing. You might also find yourself wondering, "Who is this poor schlub who can't figure out ANYTHING for himself? Or herself! OMG, is it a hermaphrodite?!? No wonder he or she is so confused about everything!"

    :lol:

    :up:
     
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  11. m ino

    m ino New Member

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    yea..then after i made the first post i thought maybe the boyfriend had got on her screenname asking for girl advice thinking i just busted him.:yes:
     
  12. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    Been with my wife for 7 years, and although the 'honeymoon is over' as they say we still do things together and of course, you know....:wink2: Like Doc said, time to move on.
     
  13. m ino

    m ino New Member

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    i've been married to my wife 10 yrs and i i go so much a week without being "in the mood" then i lose my right to choice on the matter much less a yr then that says something is up.i agree with all that it's time to move on or jump on.
     
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  14. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    I can't imagine a year. I can't imagine more than 5 days. Plus the OP said they're both in their 20s, in my 20s I was a freaking rabbit.
     
  15. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    This will be a long, detailed response....but one that you need bc I don't feel you'll put enough trust into what others say without giving enough validation why. You've put 7 years into the realtionship, so what's a few extra minutes of my time, especially for a fellow Fin <and female one at that>. LOL

    Regarding women hitting on him and he doesn't care. Trust me, he does care. You haven't had sex in a year....he cares. He very simply could be over-exaggerating the fact that he "doesn't care" bc he doesn't want to let on that he does. He's a "closet carer". LOL People become complacent....and if we don't love someone BUT we have an entire life with that person (car etc...or you take care of some/many of their needs: bills, clothes, car, house chores, laundry, drug habit etc) then we'll stay with that person if we're still able to get what we need else where....even if it's in our own imagination (porn?) or false happiness. Some people could feel as they just don't have the motivation to do it on their own....that the thought of this idea is so daunting that they'd rather live with some one they dont love rather than face the world. These people use others as crutches. They're like leaches who, left on too long, will suck the ever living life out of someone.

    Does your man have goals? Aspirations? Is he motivated? Is he lazy? Does he sleep all day and make excuses why he's too tired to do anything? Do you do a lot of things for him? If you're giving some negative answers to these questions, then it's possible that he's leaching off you and that his "bar/work" is where he gets his happiness from....and strength to make it through the day. Does he make excuses about work or seem more committed to the bar than your relationship? If he's a leach then leave him, or you'll absolutely regret it the rest of your life. You probably haven't helped matters by being an enabler and allowing him to feel that he can get away with it all and that everything will be "just fine" if he keeps doing what he's doing. Has this passive apporach worked for you so far? No? Then change it, or it will keep repeating itself.

    Maybe he wasn't this way in the beginning. He was 22, so maybe he's changed along the way.....or maybe he hasn't changed. Maybe you've changed and you're now seeing his true stripes as you're evolving into a responsible adult with goals and aspirations for the future. It seems like you both may have started on the same path that has forked along the way. If that's the case, you need to accept it and move on. It happens. People change....especially in their early 20's when they're just starting to figure out life. People need to discover who they are, then get into a relationship and settle down.... not the other way around. Fortunately for you it's not too late. There is no cheating this.

    ***** If you CANT find "you" and discover who "you" are, then you will NEVER be happy!! You could meet a million Mr. Rights, and they will all be Mr.Wrong until you can get to know "you" first. You need to feel comfortable with yourself, be able to be your own best friend <in a non-schizophrenic way>. LOL. After all, the only person guaranteed to be living with you the longest is YOU, so get to know this person, love this person, and accept this person first....not some guy who might not be around next week for whatever reason (maybe he falls off a cliff, who knows). This should be your main priority in life. I can promise you that there are single people out there who are 10 times happier about their lives than you are right now. It's all what you make it to be. You're the grand puppetteer, only you're pulling your own strings....and you're allowing yourself to be unhappy.


    Bottom line is you have to ask yourself 7 questions (7 questions for 7 years):

    1. Do you know who your identity is that's not related to him? If not, you need to find her ASAP or you'll go through life miserable, never feeling complete, and never have a successful relationship. You met him when you were 20, so I guarantee you don't really even know who you are right now. You need to find "her" if you ever want to have a successful relationship with him or any guy.... or else there will ALWAYS be some subconscious, underlying turmoil that manifests itself in negative ways in your relationship. More than likely this will result in you growing to despise your significant other bc you'll subconsciously feel they are holding you back, and you end up sabotaging what could have been an otherwise perfectly good and healthy relationship.

    2. Does he make you happy?....if you tell me "when it's good, it's good" or "we have our moments" then you need to cut all ties and start your life over immediately and do all the things a 20 year old woman coming into adulthood is supposed to do, before it's too late. You can't truly love someone else or give that person a genuine idea of who they're loving if you don't already know who YOU are or love and respect yourself. That's not fair to anyone you get into a relationship with.

    "Having our moments" does not cut it in a relationship. That's not a sign of happiness. That's a sign of despair. On your own, you CAN be happy ALL the time..... and when you begin to recognize what makes you happy as an INDEPENDANT person, you'll know what makes you happy in a relationship, as long as you don't ever become co-dependant on the other person.

    3. Are you codependant on him right now? IE: do you still have a piece of "independant you" underneath that allows you to still be you and allows you to blossom as a person and move forward in the direction that's also best for YOUR life?

    4. Can you see yourself with him the rest of your life. (I mean really close your eyes and imagine it). If after 7 years you have any hesitation answering this, then you need to walk away before you wake up one morning when you're 37 and realize that you've wasted your youth and the last 17 years with this man. Then you'll grow to loathe him and blame him for how crappy your life turned out when it's actually all your fault. You can become virtually 100% happy in life WITHOUT him..... but can you be 100% happy WITH him? If no.... then take the blinders off, be courageous, and find your happiness. It's yours for the taking. Happiness doesn't discriminate....only you have to seize it. It's not going to come to you.

    5. How does he feel about and treat you?....and is that how you want to be treated and viewed through the eyes of the person who should be adoring you? It sounds to me that you don't find it acceptable, and are finding every reason to make excuses for him. It's not your job to think for or make excuses for him. That's his job. Think about it- 7 years of time isn't the reason for your relationship issues. Time doesn't make it easier, but you clearly feel like you still want to do all the things that couples do in the beginning, so why shouldn't he be capable as well? Bc he's a man? BS. Bc he's possibly "going through issues"? Bs. If he isn't "in love" with you, then he just doesn't want to do the little things (which is very likely to be the case and is not worth you dedicating and living your life for with the hopes that he some day proves you wrong. How foolish does that sound?)

    You NEED to put him on the spot to see what those answers truly are. Don't back him into a corner when you ask him. Ask his permission to ask him some questions that have been concerning you. If he gets highly defensive and yells or tries to turn anything around, you walk out the door. That means he's guilty or is hiding something and doesn't want you to know about it. If he truly respects, loves and cares for you, he will answer respectfully and sincerely as he will not want to lose you. If he loves you but yells and disrespects you when you confront him, then he's an a$$hole, and you'd still need to leave him regardless. If you're not convinced about his answers or if he truly loves you, leave him....and you'll very quickly find out how much he really cared. Besides, a break from each other to find yourselves would do good. You'll gain a new-found strength you didnt realize or had forgotten you've had.

    If he loves you, he will chase you. But don't be fooled by the chase, bc some people chase bc they can't stand the fear of rejection....so you'll need to know which one he is. (that's a later conversation)

    6. Is he a leach, draining you of life?

    7. Have your lives together hit a fork in the path due both your lives changing as you became adults <or lack there of>? Are you now going down one path and he another... that have different destinations or ending points? You're path might be longer, more meaningful and enjoying. You could be destined to meander through the North Carolina mountains in the fall, where as he could be headed down MLK. LOL. Your roads might not merge back together, so are you prepared to follow him on his path for the rest of your life?

    Up to now you're probably been thinking: "I've already spent 7 years with this guy, so it has to work or else what were those past 7 years for?"....when you should be asking yourself "I realize there's a problem, so what's going to happen with my next 7 years if I don't do something about this now?!!". You gotta ask yourself the right questions.

    Change DOES NOT happen UNLESS if YOU make it happen. All of this clearly troubles you, but it will not miraculously go away unless you actively do something about it. This is a vital lesson about learning to take control of the rest of your life that will inspire you...and make you a "new you".... a "you" to be reckoned with. This new you will learn how to take control of all future relationships. Trust me. Don't fear that you'll piss him off, bc if you speak to him with respect, then he must respect you in return....and if he doesn't, then you sternly DEMAND it from him (this is communication 101) If that doesn't change it, then you don't need to continue frustrating yourself by staying with someone who doesn't respect you. No respect = no love.

    Lastly, don't worry that you're friends are married or what they'll think about you being single...or not being able to have the same couples nights. Don't be embarassed or feel that by not staying with him you're a failure....bc you're only a failure if you let down yourself or dont have the courage to stay true to yourself. However, a strong person will take action and seek the results they want. They'll either get these results from their current situation, or they'll find a new situation to get them from. Strong people are resilient that way. I promise you...I know.....as I know with 100% certainty everything I've told you so far. It's time for you to stop asking questions and playing the helpless victem and go seek change and find your answers. Don't let fear keep you from doing it! You've already given yourself most of the answers you're looking for, so it's only up to him to confer or disprove them. You can't get these answers from us.

    If you feel you're still actually in love with him and not just "in love with the idea of him", then you need to walk away and let him chase you!!!!!!!!!! If your relationship is on the rocks and you're kissing his *** out of fear of upsetting him and pusing him out the door, then that'll make him lose interest in you faster than giving him a bj on the first date.... before your apetizers even arrive. "Waiter, Check please!!" LOL. Give him something to think about....give him some mental stimulation, as he might REALLY need the thrill of the chase. Don't underestimate that. We all love the chase! It makes us feel alive! That might be all he needs right now- a little motivation to get off his *** and fight for your love. Let him think he's going to lose you and you'll see a different side of him <if he loves you deep down>. We all want what we can't have, and after 7 years he probably thinks that he has you no matter what or no matter how little he does for or with you....to the point where's he's lost respect for you in that department.....that maybe he can walk all over you without ever having to fight for you....and the cycle perpetuates until he loses all respect for you as a person and begins verbally abusing you (or physically). You might need to show him that you exist. That there are consequences to how your treated.

    Maybe you're a very controlling, untrusting, jealous person by nature and always in his business.... for which he could grow to disrespect you simply because he's too passive to discuss it with you.... or maybe he has discussed it but you didn't validate his feelings and continue to try and control him which leads him to loathe your presence over time. You seem to want to control how this turns out so I'm wondering if that manifests in other ways in the relationship like being bossy, jealous, possessive, or domineering..... bc the last thing a guy wants is to be emasculated.

    Do you argue a lot? Do you yell at him? Do you tell him how things need to be done rather than letting him do it on his own? Are you a negative person who sweats the small stuff where as he's always positive and doesn't let things worry him easily? Does he seem tired with any or excessive complaining by you? Do you get overly emotional with him and try to fix/change his feelings during arguments? Has he complained that you've chopped off his balls? Do you un-validate his sense as man. There's always the chance that you've pushed too much, smothered him, never giving him space to regain his equilibrium.... which could have actually pushed him farther away from you. Has he ever asked you to just give him a little space? Did you comply? Did you feel that saying "he needed space" was just an excuse for him wanting to leave and would only give him room to walk out the door?....., so you squeezed on tighter thinking it would keep him closer? If so, then have you considered that maybe he does love you, but feels that he's the ONE holding onto the idea that you'll change so he can fall back into love with you again? Maybe, like you, he is also unable to communicate his feelings.... or maybe he does but you just don't listen. Maybe he's telling you he feels "x" and you're trying to read into it and interpret it as "y".... when you really should be taking what he says as simple face value. You might need to quit trying to think for him <if you're doing so>. People don't like when someone else tries to get inside their head and do their thinking for them, especially if that's not what they're thinking.... and even more so if they've told you clearly, directly, and distinctly what they think, but you feel that you still have to interpret what they're saying based on what you think you want to hear. There's always cause and effect.... you just have to figure out what that is.

    There's a very wise quote that you should heed in this or future relationships: "He who cares least... wins." Right now he feels that he cares least which is apparant in his actions toward you, BUT, he is still "with you" to some degree in his mind (however small or large that may be). So....if you leave him (even if you only want it to be time apart) then you will be the one now caring least <bc you're actually leaving>...... and, if he loves you, he'll now be in this VERY same mental situation you're in.... only it will be him asking all his friends what he should be doing and how to get you back. And he'll be calling you crying, telling you he's sorry, that he shouldn't have taken you for granted, that you deserve better, and if you take him back he'll never do it again. LOL. Watch and see. As good as Parcells is with football, this is my expertise. Keep me posted, sister.

    Forgot #8.... Does he wank it when you're not around and tell you that it has nothing to do with you....that the only reason he does it is to drain the build up bc his boys are starting to hurt....that he's not doing it for pleasure? Pack your crap right now if this looks familiar! LOL. A little spank tradition is ok when you're in a healthy relationship when you're still aroused by the other person, but it has a different meaning when they don't want to touch you, but they'll romance the same Jergens' palm they've been intimate with for 15 years. :yes:
     
  16. Nappy Roots

    Nappy Roots Well-Known Member

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    i agree 100%. sounds like you guys are more friends then a couple....
     
  17. HardKoreXXX

    HardKoreXXX Insensitive to the Touch

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    Ok, couple things: 1) If you've been together this long, and want something more than you have now, you need to tell him. Keeping things bottled up will only harm the relationship moreso.

    2) If you haven't had sex in over a year, something is clearly wrong. Sex is a crucial part of any relationship. There are only two reasons a man will stop having sex with you. One is because he's having sex with someone else, the other is he isn't in to you anymore. You aren't married, or old, so the typical "we've lost the spark" mantra doesn't play here in regards to sex.

    Also, I would ask why you stopped having sex? Why don't you take it upon yourself to initiate it? If he is turning down your advances then it's definitely time to move on, as he has lost interest and you need to find someone who appreciates you.
     
  18. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    Or 3. You sissified him to death and turned him gay. :lol:
    Posted via Mobile Device
     
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  19. HardKoreXXX

    HardKoreXXX Insensitive to the Touch

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    Well if he's gay, then he falls into the "he's not into you anymore" category. Or the more I think about it... the "he's having sex with someone else" category as well...

    But well played, Sir. Well played. :hi5:
     
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  20. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    First off, there is NO way its the same bottle of Jergen's for 15 years. :shifty:

    Secondarily, I am tagging this as the best answer, simply because it is way long, so I assume it is good advice (not that I read beyond the first and last lines).
     
  21. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    :lol: Well, some of us have bigger ones than others!..... bottles of lotion that is. :tongue2:

    For your Part 2- I actually told her life as she knows it is over and she needs to jump off a cliff! It was long bc I just gave VERY detailed directions on where this cliff is.... but thanks for the acknowledgement. :shifty:
     
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  22. Samphin

    Samphin Κακό σκυλί ψόφο δεν έχει

    I stand by my best answer selection.
     
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  23. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    you laugh, but its very possible this guy could be gay. a lot of gay men still try to live a hetero life, and try to appease their family or religion, despite what they really are. living in nyc, and working the bar scene is a haven for such a guy. and hey, she said "he's attractive". that raises a rainbow flag right there too.
     
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  24. FinSane

    FinSane Cynical Dolphins Fan

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    PMZQ is back??
     
  25. ToddsPhins

    ToddsPhins Banned

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    SethD, you seem to be pretty knowledgable about this. just sayin. :headscratch:
    :chuckle:
     
  26. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 Well-Known Member

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    and buzz goes my gaydar!

    but seriously, i know several men who "tried" to be heterosexual, when they were clearly gay. some dated women for years, never feeling the connection. some got married, hurting the poor girl in the process. while others have been married with kids for over 30 years, trying to keep their antics private from their wives and children all the while. i'll tell you this, its a bad scene for the woman involved. and NYC is often the playground.
     
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  27. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

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    Which one are you?

    My bad, you're Italian, not Greek. ;)
     
  28. HardKoreXXX

    HardKoreXXX Insensitive to the Touch

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    ****. I must have a giant, Federal Building sized flag hanging over my head then.
     
  29. Section126

    Section126 We are better than you. Luxury Box

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    He is not into you. that is obvious.

    If you havenlt had sex with him for a year.......then the writing is on the wall...he is cheating on you, and he has you around for convenience.

    dump him...do yourself a favor.
     

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