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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Joke Thread

    Here are a few to start.

    Prior to her trip to Texas, Muffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que, take in a bonafide rodeo, and have sex with a real cowboy.

    Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. "Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's oh so good. The taste is unbelievable!"

    “And, I went to a real rodeo...Talk about athletes! Those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop then₪jump off the horses and grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

    They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

    "Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

    ==============================================

    It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
    was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed
    hypnotist do his stuff.

    As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
    most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a
    trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

    The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
    pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
    antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
    generations."

    He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
    "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

    The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
    gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
    swaying ! watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers
    and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

    "SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

    It took three days to clean up the senior center.

    =========================================

    Three little ducks go into a bar...

    "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

    "Huey," was the reply.

    "How's your day been, Huey?"

    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What
    else could a duck want?" said Huey.

    "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck,

    "Hi,and what's your name?"

    "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

    "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

    "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day
    myself. What else could a duck want?"

    The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
    "No," she said, batting her eyelashes.

    "My name is Puddles."

    ========================================

    A redneck is walking down the road one day when he sees his cousin coming toward him carrying a gunnysack.
    "Hey there Billy Ray,"says the redneck. "Whatcha got there?"
    "Some chickens," replies the cousin.
    "If I kin guess how many you got, kin I have one?"
    "Shoot, if you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."
    "Okay...five"
     
  2. sugarcane

    sugarcane Member

    please remove me mods :)
     
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2008
  3. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Union Rules

    A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and
    decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he
    asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?

    "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

    "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

    "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

    Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down
    the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His
    search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
    responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union
    rules."

    The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

    "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

    "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked
    around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.

    "I'd like her," he said.

    "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year
    old woman in the corner, "But Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's
    next."

    ===========================================================

    Mowing and Beer

    On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
    watching my wife mow the lawn.

    The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over
    and shouted at me, "You should be hung!"

    I took a drink from my can of Busch Light, wiped the cold foam from my lips,
    lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the eyes of
    this nosy *** neighbor and then calmly replied,

    "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

    ===============================================================

    What's the best thing about having sex with twenty five year olds?

    ...

    There's twenty of them!

    ==============================================================

    Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and
    said, "Honey, 25 years ago, We had a cheap
    apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
    watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to
    sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

    Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and
    plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year
    old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding
    up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to
    go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she
    would make sure that I would once again be living in
    a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on
    a sofa bed....
     
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  4. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    OFFICER, THIS IS HOW THE FIGHT STARTED . . .

    Officer, this is how the fight started...I rear-ended the car in front of me.
    I admit that. It was my fault.
    So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of
    the car I hit gets out of his car. . .
    and you know how you just-get-sooo- stressed. ..
    and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

    Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF!
    He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.
    He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me.
    Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

    And I don't know what possessed me, officer,
    but I look down at him and I said,
    'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you..? !'

    .. . . and that's when the fight started... !
     
  5. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

    Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

    "Well, it was like this," said the man.

    "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

    "What did you do?", asks the doctor.

    "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
     
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  6. alen1

    alen1 New Member

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    :lol:
     
  7. Superself

    Superself Season Ticket Holder

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    <FoXeh> The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map and a compass
    <FoXeh> Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
    <FoXeh> Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
    <FoXeh> Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
    <FoXeh> Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
    <FoXeh> Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
    <FoXeh> Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
     
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  8. HardKoreXXX

    HardKoreXXX Insensitive to the Touch

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    Heres a quick one...

    How do you circumcise a Jets fan? Kick his sister in the chin!


    ;)
     
  9. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    A trucker is traveling and goes into a whore house......he walks up to the owner and lays down 400 dollars and says "gimme your ugliest broad and a bologne sandwich"

    The women startled says "sir with that money you can have my most beautiful women and a 4 course meal"

    The trucker says "look sweet heart.....im not horny.....im home sick"
     
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  10. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    Outside of a dog, a mans best friend is a book....


    Inside of a dog, its too dark to read
     
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  11. jason8er

    jason8er Luxury Box Luxury Box

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    Superman was in a party mood, so he calls up Capt. America and says, "hey Cap, wanna go out for a couple of beers?" "I can't", says Capt. America, "I have a date with Wonder Woman at 8 o'clock." Superman then calls Spiderman and the Hulk, but they have dates with Wonder Woman at 9 and 10 o'clock respectively. Unable to find a drinking buddy, he goes out alone.

    After drinking a few kegs of beer, Superman is flying home erraticaly. It's now 11:30, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, stark naked, lying in a field on her back with a huge smile of satisfaction on her face. Superman realizes that his friends all had their way with her and now feels left out. Then, he suddenly gets an idea. "I can fly the speed of light. I'll just zoom down there, nail her, and fly away. She'll never know what happened!" So Superman goes into a steep dive, flys down to her and WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM, then flys off. Wonder Woman, sensing that something was wrong, looks up and says, "What the hell was THAT?" Then the Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my *** is killing me!"
     
  12. Superself

    Superself Season Ticket Holder

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    Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

    After a few days they meet again.....

    The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask.

    He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long.'

    The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

    The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, fell in his mangy Lazyboy, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'
     
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  13. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday
    afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives. So one day after many
    years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at
    the first tee when one guy said, "I had to buy my wife a diamond
    necklace to get her to let me play today!"
    The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy my wife a new sports car
    to get out here today!"
    The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to
    buy my wife anything."
    They both look at him and asked how he managed that...
    "It was easy," he explained, "when I got up this morning I looked her
    straight in the eye and asked, 'Golf course or Intercourse?' She threw
    me a sweater and said, 'Take this, it might get chilly out there!'"
     
  14. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A drunk staggers out of a local pub only to encounter a nun ambling down the walk alone. As the drunk approaches the nun, she opens her mouth to extend the man a Holy greeting. All of a sudden the drunk throws an uppercut at the nun which drops her on the spot. The nun, in utter shock and disbelief, tries to get to her feet when the drunk comes down on her head with his mighty elbow; again, dropping her on her back. She makes a last attempt to gain some footing when the drunk kicks her in the gut. As the nun lay in the gutter, moaning and crying from the pain and shock of the attack, the drunk straddles her with a leg on each side and says, (in his drunken, blubbering style) "you're not so friggin' tough tonight are ya, Batman!"
     
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  15. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A lady goes for her first golf lesson. The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ." She takes the club and hits the ball. He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance.
     
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  16. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    The Horror of Blimps

    by Scylla

    Last week while traveling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellers hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.

    I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

    Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

    Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

    We blew it up with the tank attached the gondola with the propellers, and put in batteries.

    Then we balanced the blimp for neutral buoyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

    It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

    My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

    Let's face it, blimps are fun.

    Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

    At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

    The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraith like over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

    Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currents it approached the bed.

    In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

    I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

    That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

    I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.

    Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

    So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

    On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

    Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINISTER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY ****! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

    I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

    When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

    Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.

    I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living **** out of it with all the strength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

    It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

    Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

    Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

    On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

    Unbelievably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

    I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

    ***

    At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.

    The dynamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

    This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

    I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

    Some blimps are better off dead.
     
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  17. cnc66

    cnc66 wiley veteran, bad spelur Luxury Box

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    Cracked me up GoPhins !

    We had a cat and she sometimes slept on the windowsill above our bed. THIS night was a cool fall night with the windows open. While Misty, our cat was on the aforementioned window sill, another cat shows up outside the window and decides to attack our cat through the screen. Well, the term when all hell breaks loose was meant for stuff like this. The enemy cat jumps up and does that cat scream they do in a fight as he slams the screen. Misty blindly leaps away from this attack only to become entangled in the lacy curtains. As she flails with every tooth and claw she owns and screams louder than any cat alive, the curtain comes off the wall... and lands on MY chest..

    well, it really is like Scylla said.. millions of years of evolution and the rush of lethal amounts of adrenaline take right over. The cat was screaming, my wife was screaming, hell, my brain was screaming LIVE, there was no stopping the reaction. That cat...that screaming DEMON mere inches from my FACE, the curtain it was tangled in and the rod still connected at the "other" end of the window all launched off my chest and slamed into the far wall.. hard, "I" leaped out out bed.. I sleep nekkid, wild eyed, fists clinched ready to fight the demon some more when sanity returned.

    The cat escaped the curtain but was obviously stunned badly, the wife was now yelling at me that I killed her cat.. and the curtain rod, skinny as it was put a knot on her head. Me, my heart was now reacting to the adrenalin and trying to pound out of my chest, I was breathing hard and starting to discover I was bleeding from everything that touched the cat. It was a long night after that. Kelley was pissed. I got the "did you HAVE to be so rough, was necessary to throw her that hard?"..

    I had better than twenty significant claw holes with some good rippage of flesh from when I launched her. And fellas, I want you to know that cat wasn't on me very long. Ever had a deep claw hole from a crazy demon cat using you for traction while fighting for it's demon life.. they HURT buster.. badddd. In the end tho 25 years later, I have laughed at that night so many times now it was nearly worth it.
     
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  18. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    I'm sorry, but I laughed at your misfortune. :)

    Please don't hate me!
    :bighug:
     
  19. sugarcane

    sugarcane Member

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
     
  20. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Lots of bad little jokes. These are not my jokes. Please don't kill the poster. :)



    What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs & laying in a pile of leaves?

    Russel



    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water skiing?

    Skip



    Same guy after falling off the water skis?

    Bob.



    Guy with no arms or legs standing/sitting on your front porch?

    Matt.



    What does a gay horse eat?

    HAAAAAAY!



    Where do pigs park their cars?

    In porking lots!



    A man walks into a clock shop. He sees a beautiful woman standing behind the counter. He walks up, unzips his pants, and lays his ***** on the counter.

    "Sir..this is a CLOCK shop," she says.

    "I know. Put 2 hands an a face on this!" he replies.



    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened when she brings it.



    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
    be able to support you.



    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
    them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.



    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."



    How do you fix a woman's watch?
    You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



    Why do men fart more than women?
    Because women can't shut up long enough to
    build up the required pressure.



    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
    front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



    What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A woman who won't do what she's told.



    I married a Miss Right.
    I just didn't know her first name was Always.



    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
    a woman's sex drive by 90%.
    It's called a Wedding Cake



    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.



    Women will never be equal to men until they can
    walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
    gut, and still think they are sexy.



    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
    Then God created Man and rested.
    Then God created Woman.
    Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.



    BLOKE and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her.

    "Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed.

    So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.

    Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back.

    The doctor said: "These are really badly infected. I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn't you?''

    "Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.

    "Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen'.'



    Did you hear about the chineese couple that had the ******ed baby?
    They named it sum ting wong



    Why do females have legs?

    Because if they didn't they'd leave a trail like a slug.
     
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  21. alen1

    alen1 New Member

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    What does a gay horse eat?

    HAAAAAAY!

    :sidelol:

    Dont know why but that is hilarious!
     
  22. cnc66

    cnc66 wiley veteran, bad spelur Luxury Box

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    Age: 16 ?
     
  23. alen1

    alen1 New Member

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    :angry:







    :yes:
     
  24. Gametime111

    Gametime111 New Member

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    [mod]Please avoid the gay jokes. [/mod]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2008
  25. Gametime111

    Gametime111 New Member

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    this is wayyyyyyyyyy messed up, but here she goes...

    Q: why do u put a baby in a blender feet first?

    Dont
    Kill
    Me
    For
    This
    One

    A: So u can see its face on the way down :(
     
  26. werwolf

    werwolf Junior Member

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    lol... i love dead baby jokes!!
    but theyll get us in trouble...
     
  27. alen1

    alen1 New Member

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    :pity:
     
  28. werwolf

    werwolf Junior Member

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    what? :wink2:
     
  29. finswin56

    finswin56 Get a mop

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    St. Augustine
    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
    Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

    To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

    Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
     
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2008
  30. werwolf

    werwolf Junior Member

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    hahahahhahahahaha... classic!!!:up:
     
  31. alen1

    alen1 New Member

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    :lol:
     
  32. Gametime111

    Gametime111 New Member

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    Those are great!,
    ive got two more tho

    What do u call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on ur wall?
    ART

    Whats this difference between a woman in ur trunk, and puppy in ur trunk?
    only the dog will be happy wen u let him out

    And then a blonde joke
    Whats the difference between a blonde and a misquito?
    The misquito stops sucking when u slap it..
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2008
    GoPhins! likes this.
  33. Ricky's Pipe

    Ricky's Pipe Season Ticket Holder

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    Key Biscayne, FL
    Why did the dolphin commit suicide?


    A: He didnt have a "purpoise" in his life.


    Feel free to apply that to any draft related/Wanny and/or Spielman related answers as well
     
  34. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Snake River Plain
    A man's in bed with his girlfriend.
    After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his *****,
    something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
    Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
    She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.
     
    Ohio Fanatic, alen1, YBFM and 4 others like this.
  35. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Snake River Plain
    A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so
    excited just thinking about his future.
    He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you
    on this lovely day?"
    "I'm the Class of 2007 just graduated from Harvard and
    I just can't wait to go out there and see what the
    world has in store for me."
    The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and
    says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch, Class of 1956."
     
  36. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    Nov 29, 2007
    Charlotte NC


    haha he probably worked for ENRON !!!!
     
  37. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station, when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

    The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

    "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

    "Thanks mister," the boy says.

    The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

    The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
     
    orangefinfan and Idahophin like this.
  38. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    And to continue with the tasteless dead baby jokes...

    Whats worse than a PILE of dead babies?
    A live one at the bottom!

    Whats worse than THAT?
    He eats his way out!

    What could possibly be worse than that?
    He goes back for seconds....mmm

    How do you get a 100 dead babies into the trunk of a car?
    With a blender!

    How do you get them back out?
    With doritos!

    How do you make a baby float?
    Take your foot off its head.

    What goes round and round and taps on the glass?
    A baby in a microwave

    What is red, pink, silver, and runs into walls?
    A baby with forks in its eyes.

    Whats funnier than a dead baby?
    a dead baby in a clown costume!

    and finally...
    whats the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Cadillac?
    I don't have a caddy in my garage.
     
    Gametime111 likes this.
  39. azfinfanmang

    azfinfanmang Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Nov 23, 2007
    So a guy named Marty goes to the Doctor with cause his elbow is hurting

    The Doctor, being an old fashoined Doctor told him to eat a healthy dinner and immediately give up a urine sample, then return it to his office the next day.

    Well Marty is a bit put back by this. What a Quack he thinks..so he decides to "Ruin" this little experiment.
    When he gets home, he proceeds to get his wife, daughter and dog to all urinate into the jar. He then takes the dip-stick from his 83 heritage van and smears the oil in the concocsion. He then proceeds to "Rub one out" delivering into the sample.

    Upon his return the next day, he gives his "Sample" to the nurse, who then gives it to the Doc for examination....

    After a Loonnggg 45 minutes the Doc says, well, I have some bad news.

    Marty Beaming says "Whats that Doc"

    The Doc then notifys Marty that his wife has the clap, his daughter is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his Vehicle needs an oil change, and if he doesnt stop Polishing the Poodle his elbow will never get better....
     
    finswin56 and GoPhins! like this.
  40. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    I think that I may get banned for some of the jokes that I've posted here but what the heck.

    What's more fun than nailing dead babies to a fence?
    Ripping them off.


    What did Helen Kellers parents do when they wanted to punish her?
    Rearrange the furniture.


    Take two:
    What did Helen Keller's parents do when they wanted to punish her?
    Left the plunger in the toilet.


    How does Helen Keller drive?
    With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.


    A couple was excited to give birth to their first baby. When the baby came out, suddenly the doctor picks the baby up by the legs and starts throwing around and beating it. The couple has horrified looks on their faces and the doctor says, 'I'm just messing with you, the baby was already dead.'


    ===================
    This one is an old one but a good one.

    While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian
    riding along with a dog and a
    sheep. He began a conversation:

    Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I
    speak to him?"

    Indian: "Dog no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

    Dog: "Doin' all right."

    Indian: Look of shock.

    Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at
    the Indian.

    Dog: "Yep"

    Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

    Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds
    me great food, and takes me
    to the lake once a week to play."

    Indian: Look of total disbelief.

    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

    Indian: "Horse no talk."

    Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

    Horse: "Cool."

    Indian: Extreme look of shock.

    Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the
    Indian.

    Horse: "Yep"

    Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

    Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
    regularly, brushes me
    down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

    Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

    Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

    Indian: "Sheep liar."
     

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