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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Herb is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
    The medicine man says, ‘I can cure this.’ That said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
    Then he says, ‘This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123′ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!’
    The guy then asks, ‘What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?’
    The medicine man replies: ‘All you or your partner have to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned–it will not work again for another year!’
    Herb rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Janice. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.
    He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, ‘123.’ He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life … just as the medicine man had promised.
    Janice, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, ‘What did you say 123 for?’
    And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition
     
  2. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
    She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$250"
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
    Boy - "$750"
    Man - "Fine."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove , let's go outside and have a game of catch."
    The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy - "$1,000"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again...."
     
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  3. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A guys driving home from work. As he gets close to the house he sees his girlfriend sitting on the front porch crying. He gets out of the car, walks up to her and sits down. He asks "What's the matter honey?". She says "I have to break up with you". The guys asks why. She says "Because, I just found out you're a pedophile". The guy says "Well now, that's an awful big word for a 10 year old isn't is?"
     
  4. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Three gals are at a bar, tying one on. Coincidentally, all three of them have a boyfriend by the name of Leroy. Janey was starting to get confused by the conversation, losing track of whose Leroy was doing what. She finally proposed a solution: "I know, instead of calling our boyfriends Leroy, we'll refer to them by some nickname." Susie thought that was a good idea, so she suggested that they refer to them by the girls' favorite soda. Linda started out, "Well, I think I'll call my Leroy '7-Up', because he's seven inches and it's always up!" All the girls started to laugh, then Susie gave her nickname. "I think I'll call my Leroy 'Mountain Dew', 'cuz he can mount and do me any time!" The girls laughed hysterically at that one. After a pause for consideration, Janey spoke up. "I think I'm gonna call my Leroy 'Jack Daniels'." The other two looked confused for a second, then chimed in unison, "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor." Janey replied, "And that's MY Leroy!"
     
  5. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Things I Hate About Everyone

    1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
    where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
    when I ask where the toilet is?

    2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room
    for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
    channel manually.

    3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
    Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

    4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
    Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
    this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

    5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
    paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

    6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
    choice there, did ya sunshine?

    7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
    there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
    must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

    8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
    damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
    yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
     
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  6. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A guy leaves his place at the bar to go to the
    bathroom. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits
    down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly.

    The bartender approaches the customer and asks what
    the problem is.

    "Oh some SOB snuck up behind me while I was at the
    urinal and put a gun to my head".

    "Damn! What happened?"

    "He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my
    brains out!"

    "Yeah, then what?"

    "Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"
     
  7. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    The price of Gas versus Printer Ink
    >
    > All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just
    > illustrates how outrageous some prices are.... You will be really
    > shocked by the last one! (At least, I was...)
    > Compared with Gasoline.... ..
    >
    > Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
    >
    >
    > This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
    >
    > Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
    >
    > Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$ 9.52 per gallon
    >
    > Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
    >
    > Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
    >
    > Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon
    >
    > Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
    >
    > Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon
    >
    > Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ . $25.42 per gallon
    >
    > And this is the REAL KICKER...
    >
    >
    > Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the
    > buyers don't even know the source
    >
    > (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
    >
    > Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
    >
    > So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of
    > the ink at.......... ......
    > (you won't believe it....but it is true........ ) $5,200 a gal..
    > (five thousand two hundred dollars)
    >
    > So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on
    > water, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!
    >
    >
    > Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...
     
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  8. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Upon taking a seat at the bar, the exec noticed that each stool had a number painted on it. Sitting next to him was a rather depressed-looking gentleman and an attractive young woman who was obviously enjoying her- self.

    The newcomer turned toward the unhappy fellow and asked if he knew the purpose of the numbers.

    "Sure," the guy said. "Every half hour, the bartender spins a wheel and whoever has the winning seat gets to go upstairs for the wild sex´orgy they have up there."

    "That's terrific!" exclaimed the surprised customer.
    "Have you won?"

    "Not yet," the man said, miserably, "but my date has, four times in a row!"
     
  9. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    How to use Your IRS Rebate check...

    As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses still in the US
     
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  10. miami#1

    miami#1 Season Ticket Holder

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    a man was walking down the beach and saw a woman with no arms or legs crying by the shore when he asked her why she was crying she said well ive never been held by a man. the man thoght for a moment and reached down and gave her a hug, then she started crying again and said shes never been kissed so the man said well i dont see the harm in a little kiss if it will make you feel better so he kissed her and she started crying again when he asked what was wrong she said ive never been screwed so the man smiled picked her up and tossed her in the ocean and said your screwed now!
     
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  11. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    and hookers
     
  12. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    While a man was at the doctors the doctor told him

    "you need to stop masturbating"

    the man quickly came back asking "why"

    the doctor said "because im trying to examine you"
     
  13. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.

    "I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women" said the woman.

    "Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind" said the bloke.
    After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.

    "OK" said the woman "I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!"

    "OK, barman get this lady a drink" he said. "let's see your vibrator do that?"
     
  14. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    A drunk man walks out of a bar's bathroom and makes his way to the bar....he sits down and asks

    "does your bathroom have green toliet paper that yells "F*** You?"

    The bartender looks puzzled and says ".....nooooo"




    "Oh" the man says "then i just wiped my *** with your parrot"
     
  15. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," She answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." She replied. Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.
     
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  16. Tone_E

    Tone_E Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Why do seagulls fly over <insert country here> upside down?
    Because it's not worth crapping on.

    Two peanuts are walking down the street.....one is a-salted

    Why don't you buy your wife a watch for a gift?
    Because there is a clock on the stove.

    A newfy goes ice fishing. He drills a hole, and after a few minutes of fishing, hears a voice saying "there is no fish here". Surprised, he move a few feet down, drills another hole, and begins fishing again. Once again, the same voice, "there is no fish here". Stunned, the newfy decides to move 20 feet down. He drills another hole, and begins fishing yet again. Suddenly, he hears a voice, "there is no fish here". THe damn newfy cant take it anymore, and looks up and asks "who are you, God?". The voice replied, "no, I'm the rink manager".
     
  17. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    why are womens feet smaller then a mans? So she can stand closer to the sink....

    I heard a joke on the radio this mornin.........womens rights
     
  18. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

    He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

    Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

    “Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

    "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

    The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

    "Moses," replied the bird.

    "Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

    "Same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
     
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  19. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Harold

    Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home. Every night
    after dinner, Harold goes to
    A secluded garden behind the Center to sit and ponder his
    accomplishments and long life.
    One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They
    begin To chat and before they know it, several hours have
    passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
    Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
    She asks, "What?"
    "Sex!!" he replies.
    Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up If I
    held a gun to your head!"
    "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just
    hold it for a while."
    "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
    his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
    Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where
    they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
    Then one night Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting
    place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was
    O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him
    sitting by the pool With Ethel, another female resident, who was
    holding Harold's manhood!
    Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does
    Ethel have that I don't have?"
    Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
     
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  20. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    haha i just laughed my *** off at this one.....good stuff!!!!! :up:
     
  21. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    THE WEDDING TEST



    I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

    and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

    decided to get married. There was only one

    little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

    younger sister.



    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

    tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

    would regularly bend down when she was near

    me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

    be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

    near anyone else.



    One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

    come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

    alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

    had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

    overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

    before I got married and committed my life to her sister.



    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.



    She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

    you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'



    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

    up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

    and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

    opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing

    outside, all clapping!



    With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

    said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

    little test. We couldn't ask for a better

    man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

    And the moral of this story is:







    Always keep your condoms in your car.
     
    Last edited: May 3, 2008
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  22. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

    "Father," he confessed, "It has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month."

    The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three HailMary's."

    Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

    "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months."

    This time, the priest questioned, "Who is this Nookie Green?"

    "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replied.

    "Very well," sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Marys."

    At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

    The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

    Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

    The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.

    The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

    The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, "No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."
     
  23. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    :sidelol:
     
  24. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Mickey Mouse was in divorce court seeking a judgment against his wife Minnie. The judge asked Mickey "as I understand the complaint, you wish to divorce Minnie because she is mentally unstable?" Mickey answered no your honor, I want to divorce her because she is F'in Goofy

    =============================================

    This employee named Du` Pham has been late to work for 1 week straight.

    When the Boss finaly got tired of it and decided to call him at home to find out what`s going on.

    During the phone call, Du` opened his feeling up and told his boss what was the matter.

    "Boss! Me no not right. Me so tired in morning, hard to focus.

    At that time the Boss broke in and responded, "Du`, You should try what I do:
    I used to have that problem, then I started making love to my wife every morning.
    You won't believe how much better you`ll feel! "

    The next day Du` Pham shows up to work on time. Surprised! the boss called him
    in the office.

    Do` greeted him with a smile and telling him, "You right Boss, Me feel so much better.
    And by way, you have very nice house too!"

    =======================================

    An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, My hands are freezing cold.

    The mother replied, Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up. The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

    The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, My hands are freezing cold. The girl replied, Put them between my legs The warmth of my body will warm them up. He did and warmed his hands.

    The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold. The girl replied, Put it between my legs The warmth of my body will warm it up. He did and warmed his nose.

    The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, My ***** is frozen solid.

    The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, Have you ever heard of a *****? Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes..?! Why do you ask? The daughter replies: They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?
     
  25. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Her First paying Job

    Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond
    formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some
    construction workers that makes you believe

    that we CAN make a difference when we give a child

    the gift of our time.

    A young family moved into a house next door to a
    vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up

    to start building a house on the empty lot.

    The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally

    took an interest in all the activity going on next door and
    spent much of each day observing the workers.

    Eventually the construction crew, all of them
    gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind
    of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit
    with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and
    gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
    feel important.

    At the end of the first week they even presented her
    with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.

    The little girl took this home to her mother who said
    all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
    that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received
    to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

    When they got to the bank, the teller was equally
    impressed and asked the little girl how she had come
    by her very own pay check at such a young age.

    The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week
    with the crew building the house next door to us."

    My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you
    be working on the house again this week, too?"

    The little girl replied, "I will if those a--holes at
    Home Depot ever deliver the f---ing sheet rock..."
     
  26. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

    On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

    On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

    On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
     
  27. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    ' Y'know' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.

    In Glasgow there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's. The Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy four drinks he'll buy the fifth drink for you.'

    'Well', said the Englishman, 'at my local, the Red Lion, the Barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the First two.'

    'Ahhhhh, that's nothin', me buckos', said the Irishman. 'Back home In me own Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar.

    Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!'

    The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But He swears every word is true. 'Well,' said the Englishman 'did this actually happen to you?'

    'Not to me myself, personally, no,' said the Irishman,


    '... But it did happen to me sister.'
     
  28. GoPhins!

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    Flat tire

    A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.

    She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

    The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

    Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backs up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the Blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is Going on here?"

    "My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

    "Well, what are those obscene cardboard
    Pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...


    "Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she
    replied.
     
  29. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Nov 29, 2007
    Winter Garden, FL
    A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe with a sign around her neck.

    She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, I'm yours.'
    Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.


    He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing a skimpy running outfit, running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, I'm yours.'


    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program


    'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
    'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'


    The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'


    He lost 63 pounds that week.
     
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  30. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Nov 29, 2007
    Winter Garden, FL
    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

    A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

    To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
     
  31. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    Question : What does a 300 pound mouse say?























    Here kitty, kitty, kitty....
     
  32. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Winter Garden, FL
    Little Albert's Uncle Tony owns a sex shop and every day after school, Little Albert drops by to visit him.
    One afternoon, Albert walks through the door and Uncle Tony says, "Hi, kid. Can you look after the store for a few minutes while I run out to the post office?"
    Sure, Uncle," replies Albert, and sets his school things on the counter. Tony leaves and a few minutes later, three nuns walk in.
    The nuns are a little embarrassed to see a kid running the store, but they are desperate.
    "How much for that big, pink dildo?" whispers the first nun.
    "Ten dollars," replies Little Albert, confidently. "Batteries not included."
    "I will take it," says the nun, as she is pushed aside by the next nun.
    "How much for that huge, bright purple one?" whispers the second nun.
    "Twenty dollars," replies Albert. "Batteries not included."
    "I will take it sonny," snaps the second nun. "And put it in a plain brown wrapper."
    Then the third nun looks around nervously and says, "Sonny, how much for that big black and red plaid one?"
    "That one is not for sale," says Albert.
    "Come on kid!" snaps the nun. "I will pay any price for that big one."
    "Okay, lady," says Albert. "Fifty dollars!"
    "I will take it," says the nun, and the three of them leave the shop.
    A few minutes later, Uncle Tony comes back from the post office.
    "How did it go?" he asks. "Any business?"
    "Sure, Uncle Tony," says Little Albert. "Three nuns came in and I sold the first one a dildo for ten dollars. The second nun bought one for twenty dollars. And you won't believe this," continues Albert. "The last nun paid fifty dollars for my thermos bottle!"
     
  33. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Nov 29, 2007
    Winter Garden, FL
    A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern
    and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

    CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

    CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

    HAND JOB:$10.00

    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
    and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks
    to a meager looking group of farmers.

    "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

    "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who
    gives the hand-jobs?"

    "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

    The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands; I want a cheeseburger."
     
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  34. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Jan 3, 2008
    Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick.
    He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigid. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.
    As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
    Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants,and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.
    He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled his way to bed.
    In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Brigid staring at him from across the room.
    She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"
    Paddy said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
    "Well," Brigid said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.......... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
     
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  35. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Jan 3, 2008
    You Can Be the Man of Your House

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled
    You Can Be the Man of Your House

    He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.

    Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly,

    "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want. After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"


    His wife replied, "The f-----' funeral director would be my guess."
     
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  36. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Jan 3, 2008
    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome Teed Off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist:
    "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

    "Ummph, oooh, nnoo, I'll be all right.... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in a fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

    But she persisted: and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him.

    "How does that feel?" she asked.
    "It feels great." He replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!".
     
  37. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Jan 3, 2008
    I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Labrador
    Retriever and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
    had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina
    Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the
    hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
    an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
    and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
    that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
    simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
    nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

    I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
    now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

    Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in
    the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my
    balls and a car hit me.

    I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
     
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  38. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Jan 3, 2008
    A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs ... a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

    The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

    A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

    The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

    The woman stammers, "Why, Yes, but how did you know?"

    "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
     
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  39. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Jan 3, 2008
    A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

    "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

    He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
    The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper
     
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  40. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Jan 3, 2008
    One day after I had been married for 25 years, I took a look at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

    Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

    My wife is a very reasonable woman.

    She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.

    Aren't older women great. They really know how to solve your mid-life crises....
     

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