Official Joke Thread

"Gametime111 wrote:

this is wayyyyyyyyyy messed up, but here she goes...

Q: why do u put a baby in a blender feet first?

Dont
Kill
Me
For
This
One

A: So u can see its face on the way down :(

lol... i love dead baby jokes!!
but theyll get us in trouble...

"werwolf wrote:

lol... i love dead baby jokes!!
but theyll get us in trouble...

:pity:

"alen1 wrote:

:pity:

what? :wink2:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

"finswin56 wrote:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

hahahahhahahahaha... classic!!!:up:

"finswin56 wrote:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."


One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

:lol:

"GoPhins! wrote:

Lots of bad little jokes. These are not my jokes. Please don't kill the poster. :)

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs & laying in a pile of leaves?

Russel

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water skiing?

Skip

Same guy after falling off the water skis?

Bob.

Guy with no arms or legs standing/sitting on your front porch?

Matt.

What does a gay horse eat?

HAAAAAAY!

Where do pigs park their cars?

In porking lots!

A man walks into a clock shop. He sees a beautiful woman standing behind the counter. He walks up, unzips his pants, and lays his penis on the counter.

"Sir..this is a CLOCK shop," she says.

"I know. Put 2 hands an a face on this!" he replies.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

BLOKE and his girlfriend were making love in the back of his van when all of a sudden she shouted at him to whip her.

"Find something to whip me with now! If you do it will be the best sex you have ever had" she screamed.

So he opened the window, snapped off the aerial and started whipping her with it.

Three weeks later she went to the doctor and asked him to take a look at some infected cuts that she had on her back.

The doctor said: "These are really badly infected. I bet you got them making wild passionate love didn't you?''

"Yes" she replied, ''But how did you know that?'' she asked.

"Well, this is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen'.'

Did you hear about the chineese couple that had the retarded baby?
They named it sum ting wong

Why do females have legs?

Because if they didn't they'd leave a trail like a slug.

Those are great!,
ive got two more tho

What do u call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on ur wall?
ART

Whats this difference between a woman in ur trunk, and puppy in ur trunk?
only the dog will be happy wen u let him out

And then a blonde joke
Whats the difference between a blonde and a misquito?
The misquito stops sucking when u slap it..

Why did the dolphin commit suicide?

A: He didnt have a "purpoise" in his life.

Feel free to apply that to any draft related/Wanny and/or Spielman related answers as well

A man's in bed with his girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis,
something she had lovingly done on many occasions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'
She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so
excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you
on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2007 just graduated from Harvard and
I just can't wait to go out there and see what the
world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and
says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch, Class of 1956."

"Idahophin wrote:

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so
excited just thinking about his future.
He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you
on this lovely day?"
"I'm the Class of 2007 just graduated from Harvard and
I just can't wait to go out there and see what the
world has in store for me."
The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and
says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch, Class of 1956."

haha he probably worked for ENRON !!!!

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station, when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.

"Thanks mister," the boy says.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little boy says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

And to continue with the tasteless dead baby jokes...

Whats worse than a PILE of dead babies?
A live one at the bottom!

Whats worse than THAT?
He eats his way out!

What could possibly be worse than that?
He goes back for seconds....mmm

How do you get a 100 dead babies into the trunk of a car?
With a blender!

How do you get them back out?
With doritos!

How do you make a baby float?
Take your foot off its head.

What goes round and round and taps on the glass?
A baby in a microwave

What is red, pink, silver, and runs into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.

Whats funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby in a clown costume!

and finally...
whats the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Cadillac?
I don't have a caddy in my garage.

So a guy named Marty goes to the Doctor with cause his elbow is hurting

The Doctor, being an old fashoined Doctor told him to eat a healthy dinner and immediately give up a urine sample, then return it to his office the next day.

Well Marty is a bit put back by this. What a Quack he thinks..so he decides to "Ruin" this little experiment.
When he gets home, he proceeds to get his wife, daughter and dog to all urinate into the jar. He then takes the dip-stick from his 83 heritage van and smears the oil in the concocsion. He then proceeds to "Rub one out" delivering into the sample.

Upon his return the next day, he gives his "Sample" to the nurse, who then gives it to the Doc for examination....

After a Loonnggg 45 minutes the Doc says, well, I have some bad news.

Marty Beaming says "Whats that Doc"

The Doc then notifys Marty that his wife has the clap, his daughter is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his Vehicle needs an oil change, and if he doesnt stop Polishing the Poodle his elbow will never get better....

I think that I may get banned for some of the jokes that I've posted here but what the heck.

What's more fun than nailing dead babies to a fence?
Ripping them off.

What did Helen Kellers parents do when they wanted to punish her?
Rearrange the furniture.

Take two:
What did Helen Keller's parents do when they wanted to punish her?
Left the plunger in the toilet.

How does Helen Keller drive?
With one hand on the wheel and the other on the road.

A couple was excited to give birth to their first baby. When the baby came out, suddenly the doctor picks the baby up by the legs and starts throwing around and beating it. The couple has horrified looks on their faces and the doctor says, 'I'm just messing with you, the baby was already dead.'

===================
This one is an old one but a good one.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian
riding along with a dog and a
sheep. He began a conversation:

Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I
speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: Look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at
the Indian.

Dog: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds
me great food, and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: Look of total disbelief.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: Extreme look of shock.

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" pointing at the
Indian.

Horse: "Yep"

Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."

Indian: Total look of utter amazement.

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep liar."

Herb is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, ‘I can cure this.’ That said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, ‘This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123′ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!’
The guy then asks, ‘What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?’
The medicine man replies: ‘All you or your partner have to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned–it will not work again for another year!’
Herb rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Janice. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.
He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, ‘123.’ He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life … just as the medicine man had promised.
Janice, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, ‘What did you say 123 for?’
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove , let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that s**t again...."

A guys driving home from work. As he gets close to the house he sees his girlfriend sitting on the front porch crying. He gets out of the car, walks up to her and sits down. He asks "What's the matter honey?". She says "I have to break up with you". The guys asks why. She says "Because, I just found out you're a pedophile". The guy says "Well now, that's an awful big word for a 10 year old isn't is?"

Three gals are at a bar, tying one on. Coincidentally, all three of them have a boyfriend by the name of Leroy. Janey was starting to get confused by the conversation, losing track of whose Leroy was doing what. She finally proposed a solution: "I know, instead of calling our boyfriends Leroy, we'll refer to them by some nickname." Susie thought that was a good idea, so she suggested that they refer to them by the girls' favorite soda. Linda started out, "Well, I think I'll call my Leroy '7-Up', because he's seven inches and it's always up!" All the girls started to laugh, then Susie gave her nickname. "I think I'll call my Leroy 'Mountain Dew', 'cuz he can mount and do me any time!" The girls laughed hysterically at that one. After a pause for consideration, Janey spoke up. "I think I'm gonna call my Leroy 'Jack Daniels'." The other two looked confused for a second, then chimed in unison, "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor." Janey replied, "And that's MY Leroy!"

Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there
must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

A guy leaves his place at the bar to go to the
bathroom. He comes back about 10 minutes later, sits
down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly.

The bartender approaches the customer and asks what
the problem is.

"Oh some SOB snuck up behind me while I was at the
urinal and put a gun to my head".

"Damn! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my
brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?"

The price of Gas versus Printer Ink
>
> All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap; it just
> illustrates how outrageous some prices are.... You will be really
> shocked by the last one! (At least, I was...)
> Compared with Gasoline.... ..
>
> Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
>
>
> This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
>
> Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
>
> Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ...........$ 9.52 per gallon
>
> Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
>
> Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
>
> Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ...... $33.60 per gallon
>
> Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
>
> Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon
>
> Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ . $25.42 per gallon
>
> And this is the REAL KICKER...
>
>
> Evian water 9 oz $1.49..$21.19 per gallon! $21.19 for WATER and the
> buyers don't even know the source
>
> (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
>
> Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
>
> So they have you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the cost of
> the ink at.......... ......
> (you won't believe it....but it is true........ ) $5,200 a gal..
> (five thousand two hundred dollars)
>
> So, the next time you're at the pump,be glad your car doesn't run on
> water, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or God forbid, Printer Ink!
>
>
> Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...

Upon taking a seat at the bar, the exec noticed that each stool had a number painted on it. Sitting next to him was a rather depressed-looking gentleman and an attractive young woman who was obviously enjoying her- self.

The newcomer turned toward the unhappy fellow and asked if he knew the purpose of the numbers.

"Sure," the guy said. "Every half hour, the bartender spins a wheel and whoever has the winning seat gets to go upstairs for the wild sex´orgy they have up there."

"That's terrific!" exclaimed the surprised customer.
"Have you won?"

"Not yet," the man said, miserably, "but my date has, four times in a row!"

How to use Your IRS Rebate check...

As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses still in the US

a man was walking down the beach and saw a woman with no arms or legs crying by the shore when he asked her why she was crying she said well ive never been held by a man. the man thoght for a moment and reached down and gave her a hug, then she started crying again and said shes never been kissed so the man said well i dont see the harm in a little kiss if it will make you feel better so he kissed her and she started crying again when he asked what was wrong she said ive never been screwed so the man smiled picked her up and tossed her in the ocean and said your screwed now!