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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

  1. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    BigO hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
    rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Marsha, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

    BigO said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, BigO!" Marsha said.

    The next day, Marsha ran into one of BigO's drinking buddies on the
    street corner.
    The man chuckled leeringly and said, "BigO won the prize the other
    night at the pub with a toast about you, Marsha."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
    know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
  2. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes
    down to the docks for old times sake. He hires a prosti-
    tute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as
    he can for a guy his age.

    After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?"

    The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about
    three knots."

    "Three knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"

    She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in and you're
    knot getting your money back."
  3. TJamesW_Phinfan

    TJamesW_Phinfan New Member

    Dec 2, 2007
    A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and Invited all of his buddies and neighbors.He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

    At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

    Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' 'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?' Again Leroy said 'no thanks. Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?' Leroy said, 'I wants to find the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'
    TiP54, late again and GoPhins! like this.
  4. like2god

    like2god Typical white person Luxury Box

    Nov 22, 2007
    [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UTdhK0lwuw&feature=aso"]YouTube - Kitteh dwinks fwom phauwset - pretteh epic acksualy....Cat drinking from faucet :)[/ame]

    I found it amusing
  5. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    like2god likes this.
  6. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain

    During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher
    says to her students: "If you were courting a well
    educated young girl from a prominent family and during
    a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what
    would you say to her?"

    Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a p."

    The teacher says: "That would be very rude and
    improper on your part.

    "Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the
    toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

    The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention
    the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."

    And Lil Bobby says: "My dear, please excuse me for a
    moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal
    friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you
    right after dinner."

    The teacher passed out.
  7. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

    The top 10 were:

    10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

    9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

    8. Viagra, like a rock !

    7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

    6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

    5.Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

    4.Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

    3.Viagra, Home of the whopper!

    2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

    And the unanimous number one slogan:

    1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.
    dolphinfn3454 and GoPhins! like this.
  8. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    A blonde woman was speeding down the
    road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman
    police officer who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the
    blonde driver's license.
    She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
    'What does it look like?' she finally asked the policewoman replied,
    'It square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a
    square mirror in her purse looked at it and handed it to the
    policewoman.. 'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the
    mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go.
    I didn't realize you were a
    TiP54, gunn34, late again and 7 others like this.
  9. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    These two lesbians walked into a bar One extremely
    pretty and one extremely ugly. The pretty one said
    to the ugly one, "I'll go get us a drink".
    So she walked up to the bar and said to the
    bar-tender "Two Jim beams and coke"
    The bartender got the drinks and said, "That's $10."
    She said, "I don't have any money."
    The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"
    She replied, "I'll show you my ****."
    He looked at her and replied, "O.K."
    So she showed him her ****, then took the drinks back to the table.
    The ugly one said, "How did you pay for those?"
    The pretty one said, "I showed him my **** and
    he gave them to me for free!"
    The ugly one said, "I try that." So she walked up to
    the bartender and said, "Two Jim beams and coke please".
    The bartender said, "That will be $10 please."
    The ugly one turned around and said, "I don't have any money!"
    The bartender said, "Well how are you going to pay for them?"
    She replied, "I will show you my ****"
    He replied back, "You're ugly so your **** will be ugly!"
    So the ugly one said, "O.K. then I will let you smell my friends *****!"
    The bartender replied, "What that one over there?"
    (pointing to the good looking one) She said "Yeah."
    The bartender said, "Sure!"
    So the ugly one leaned over the bar and breathed in his face.
  10. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    What is HELL?

    The following is supposedly an actual question given on a university chemistry exam. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state: that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

    Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1.If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2.If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
    Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

  11. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain


    A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.


    A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'


    A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


    A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, They take your house and car with them.


    A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...



    A : Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
  12. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A game warden noticed how a particular fellow
    named Sam consistently caught more fish than anyone
    else, whereas the other guys would only catch three
    or four a day. Sam would come in off the lake with
    a boat full. Stringer after stringer was always
    packed with freshly caught trout. The warden,
    curious, asked Sam his secret. The successful
    fisherman invited the game warden to accompany
    him and observe. So the next morning the two met
    at the dock and took off in Sam's boat. When they
    got to the middle of the lake, Sam stopped the boat,
    and the warden sat back to see how it was done.
    Sam's approach was simple. He took out a stick of
    dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the air. The
    explosion rocked the lake with such a force that dead
    fish immediately began to surface. Sam took out a net
    and started scooping them up. Well, you can imagine
    the reaction of the game warden. When he recovered from
    the shock of it all, he began yelling at Sam. "You can't
    do this! I'll put you in jail, buddy! You will be paying
    every fine there is in the book!"

    Sam, meanwhile, set his net down and took out another
    stick of dynamite. He lit it and tossed it in the lap of
    the game warden with these words, "Are you going to sit
    there all day complaining, or are you going to fish?"
    opfinistic likes this.
  13. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is DRT (Dead Right There).

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.'
    Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
    Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
    Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
    'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
    'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
    'Well, not exactly', Donnie says, 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow".'
    She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'
    Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

    (Rednecks Are Good At That Sensitive crap)
    TiP54, opfinistic and SICK like this.
  14. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from one of his ponds, with his hand.

    The Amish man shouts............

    "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kühe und die Schweine haben darin geschissen!"

    Which translated means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have **** in it!"

    The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, infidel!"

    The Amish man shouts back in English:

    "Use two hands, you'll get more!"
    opfinistic and SICK like this.
  15. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The
    dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit"
    routine before bending over her with a drill in his

    He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss,"
    he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of
    my testicles!"

    "Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going
    to hurt each other, are we?
    opfinistic likes this.
  16. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There
    were two teenage boys in line behind him.

    They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man was.
    After five minutes of this the man turned to the boys
    and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't help his
    weight problem.

    With this the boys asked, "Oh, and why are you so fat

    The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I
    screwed your mother, she gave me a cookie."
    texasPHINSfan and opfinistic like this.
  17. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Queen with large breasts

    Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

    Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

    He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

    One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, David the physician, the King's chief doctor.

    David thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost

    him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

    Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

    The next day, David made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.

    Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

    Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, David informed the King and Queen that only a

    special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all

    of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

    The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

    David then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four

    hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

    The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a


    Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found David demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins.

    With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that David could never report this matter

    to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

    The next day, David slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

    The King immediately summoned Nick . . .

    The moral of the story - Pay your bills.
    GoPhins! and opfinistic like this.
  18. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

    Nov 29, 2007
    over there
    Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class,
    when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

    If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable.
    Why do you not take it out?"

    I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab.

    "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

    "I do not understand," said the other.

    The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach

    And I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke,

    And then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white
    beard and top hat came boiling out. He said,

    "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

    I said, "No S***?"
    like2god, GoPhins! and opfinistic like this.
  19. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    There are four kinds of sex:

    HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and
    have sex all over the house in every room.

    BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for
    a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

    HALL SEX - After you've been married for many,
    many years, you just pass each other in the
    hall and say "Screw You."

    is when your wife and her lawyer screw you in divorce
    court for every penny you've got in front of many people
  20. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    "That wife of mine is a liar and a cheat ," said the angry Bob
    to a sympathetic Rich seated next to him in the bar.

    "How do you know?" Rich asked.

    "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where
    she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her
    sister, Tami."


    "So she's a liar and a cheat. I spent the night with her sister, Tami."
  21. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    0 to 200 in 6 seconds
    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pissed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday.
  22. TokyoFishFan

    TokyoFishFan New Member

    Dec 11, 2007
    Job Interview in Texas :

    A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.

    The Deputy doing the interview says:

    "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

    Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:
    "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six religious extremists, and a rabbit. "

    "Why the rabbit?"

    "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
  23. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    Slip of the tongue
    A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

    He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

    The other guy says, "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident.

    See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one."

    The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too.

    I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my
    wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.'

    But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed *****.'
  24. Jeffrey

    Jeffrey Banned

    Oct 8, 2009
    A man walks into a bar......................ouch.
    SICK likes this.
  25. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    Redneck Logic
    Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

    The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

    "What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

    The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

    "I sure do."

    "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

    "That's real good!" said the redneck.

    The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

    Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"

    "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

    "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

    The redneck was catching on.

    "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

    "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"

    The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

    "So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

    "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.

    "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

    "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

    "No," his friend replied.

    "You're queer, ain't ya?"
  26. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

    Nov 27, 2007
    DC Metro Area
    From the diary of a Pre-School Teacher

    My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, "Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!"

    I took a deep breath, then asked...."What did you call it?"

    "It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

    And so it does...

    " A f r i c a n Elephant "

    Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?
  27. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
    you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

    The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
    you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

    "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
    "I remember that too", she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
  28. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend,
    Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was
    afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of ***** on
    his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss,
    and also used a whole bottle of Listerine.
    As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet
    of extra strong mints. His turn came up and the Dentist
    told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident
    and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
    The Dentist got close and asked "So, you had a 69 before
    you came here eh?" Brian exasperated asked "How did you
    know? Does my breath still smell like *****?" The Dentist
    replied "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead...
  29. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement

    Oh man! So wrong and funny!
  30. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

    Nov 29, 2007
    Winter Garden, FL
    Senior Breakfast

    The Senior's Breakfast Special

    We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was Two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

    "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

    "Then I'll have to charge you two-dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

    "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?", my wife asked incredulously.

    "YES!!" stated the waitress.

    "I'll take the special."

    "How do you want your eggs?"

    "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

    She took the two eggs home.

    Idahophin, cnc66 and opfinistic like this.
  31. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

    Nov 29, 2007
    Winter Garden, FL
    Two senior citizens are in church, husband and wife. They are sitting at the pews. The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let a silent fart, what should I do?" and the husband says "Turn you hearing aide up"...
  32. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

    Nov 29, 2007
    Winter Garden, FL

    - Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

    - A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

    - A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean a mother.

    - Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

    - I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

    - Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

    - Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

    - Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

    - Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

    - A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

    - Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    - Without geometry, life is pointless.

    - When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

    - Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

    - A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

    - Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

    - When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

    - A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

    - What's the definition of a will- (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

    - A backwards poet writes inverse.

    - A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    - With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

    - Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.

    - When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

    - The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    - You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    - Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

    - He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    - Every calendar's days are numbered.

    - A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.

    - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    - He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

    - The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    - Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

    - Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

    - When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

    - Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

    - Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
    texasPHINSfan, Ultra and opfinistic like this.
  33. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

    Nov 29, 2007
    Winter Garden, FL
    What do you call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonalds in Iowa?

    Prom night.
  34. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

    After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

    But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

    After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling..

    A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
    The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi .

    That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get 'those feelings' again..

    He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

    Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

    He said, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
  35. steveincolorado

    steveincolorado Spook, Storme & Pebbles

    Mar 23, 2008

  36. Frumundah Finnatic

    Frumundah Finnatic U Mad Miami?

    Dec 2, 2007
    Miami FL
    Johnny and l Mary are sitting @ sunday school when their teacher asks a dozing Mary a question "Mary, who created the Heavens and the Earth?"

    Johnny tried to wake her up by poking her with his pencil "God almighty!" she yelled. "Very good Mary!" said the teacher.

    a little while later Mary is fast asleep and her teacher once again calls on her:

    "Mary who is our Lord and Savior?" Once again Johnny woke her up, "Jesus Christ!" She yelled.

    "Good job Mary!" said the teacher.

    Once again Mary had started to doze off when her teacher asked her a question: "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child!"

    "She turned to Johnny and said "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to snap it in two!"
    The G Man and Idahophin like this.
  37. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    My Neighbors ... The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

    I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think

    they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
  38. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Ole decided to buy Lena a new car for her birthday. They shopped and shopped. Finally, Lena found one she liked. But before signing the papers, Lena looked at the car one more time. Suddenly, she bristled and walked away, saying she didn't want the car. She wouldn't even talk about it.
    On the way home, Ole said, "Vell, Lena , I tot yew liked dat car. Vat changed yer mind about it?"
    "Ole, I yust don't vant any car vit XL on it," Lena answered. "It's bad enuff having dat on my undervear."
  39. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A couple was
    invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party.
    She got a terrible headache and told her husband
    to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted
    husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
    going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there
    was no need of his good time being spoiled by not
    going. So he took his costume and away he went.
    The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour,
    awakened without pain, and as it was still early,
    she decided to go to the party. In as much as her
    husband did not know what her costume was, she
    thought she would have some fun by watching her
    husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
    She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
    cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with
    every nice chick he could and copping a little feel
    here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him
    and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
    his partner high and dry and devoted his time to
    the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go
    as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
    husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition
    in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one
    of the cars and had a little bang. Just before
    unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home
    and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering
    what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
    She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked
    what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same
    old thing. You know I never have a good time when
    you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
    He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
    When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other
    guys, so we went into the den and played poker all
    evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my
    costume to sure had a real good time!"
  40. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Back pain

    Paul and I were talking one day when Paul says, "I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back."

    "So what happened?" I asked.

    "Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?"

    "Why would he want you to sit to pee?" I asked.

    "Well", said Paul, "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything too big."
    gunn34, GoPhins! and opfinistic like this.

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