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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

  1. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings
    against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney,
    "the incident that first caused you to entertain
    suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."
    "Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man
    testified. "So naturally when I am home,
    I'm attentive to the wife.""One Sunday morning,"
    he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy
    lovemaking, really making the bedsprings bounce, when the
    old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall
    and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket
    on the weekends?'"
    gunn34, GoPhins! and opfinistic like this.
  2. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    There once was a man who owned a sausage factory,
    and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around
    his factory.
    Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son
    would just sneer.
    They approached the heart of the factory, where the father
    thought, "This should impress him!"
    He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the
    heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in
    a pig, and out come sausages.
    The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have
    a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"
    The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your
    gunn34 and opfinistic like this.
  3. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Home-Made Chili

    I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been very wise.

    You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to crap yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks will fall off.

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

    Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty breakfast and lunch tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

    The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. Those peppers fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

    I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as she walked, unsuspecting, into it.

    Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.... MISTAKE!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

    Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'IT' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Why Did I Eat That?' floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging.

    One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch! ', then quickly left.

    Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, we're asking all shoppers to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

    That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'It's you', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

    The next day I went to shop at HEB. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
    gunn34, opfinistic and GoPhins! like this.
  4. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    The Queen of England & Dolly Parton Go To Heaven !!

    Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

    Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of themgets in.. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

    Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts

    God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

    The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

    The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

    The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

    Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?

    I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

    She wees into a toilet and she gets in!

    Would you explain that to me?'

    'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are
    opfinistic and dolphinfn3454 like this.
  5. Cynthia15

    Cynthia15 New Member

    Aug 10, 2009
    Fort Myers, FL
    A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
    "There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
    The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
  6. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

    Nov 29, 2007
    Charlotte NC

    i was born in fort myers :) lee memorial hospital! WOOT!
    opfinistic likes this.
  7. opfinistic

    opfinistic Braaaaains!

    Dec 7, 2007
    Peeking in Nabo's Basement
    Now we know which hospital to sue!
    Cynthia15 and SICK like this.
  8. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    An infamous womanizer with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought that the man looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.

    "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some ticked-off husband wrote to me, and said he would kill me if I didn't stop messing around with his wife."

    "So stop," the barkeep said.

    "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "That inconsiderate bastard didn't sign his name!"
    gunn34, SICK, GoPhins! and 1 other person like this.
  9. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Renault & Ford are working together to build a small
    car. They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus
    as a basis for the new zippy little car: The Clitaurus.
    The car comes in pink, with fur* on the dash.
    *Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur
    gunn34 and opfinistic like this.
  10. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    It was a typical night at the old watering hole. Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall one.

    Then Jim told his buddy, Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."

    Confused by his buddy's comment, Bill asked, "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?"

    Jim explained, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week."
    gunn34, opfinistic and GoPhins! like this.
  11. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Billy Bob goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn't fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.

    On his way home, Billy Bob puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on...
    everyone is naked! "Cool!"

    As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife but can't find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and the postman, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked. Billy Bob then says, "Damn, I just paid fifty bucks for these and they're already broken!"
    opfinistic and GoPhins! like this.
  12. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    The Maid asked for a raise.

    The lady of the house was upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?'

    Maria: 'Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

    Lady of the house: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

    Maria: 'The Master said so.'

    Lady of the house: 'Oh.'

    Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

    Lady of the house: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I am?'

    Maria: 'The Master did.'

    Lady of the house: 'Oh.'

    Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better at sex than you.'

    Lady of the house (very upset now): 'Did the Master say so as well?'

    Maria: 'No Madam, the gardener did.'

  13. Cynthia15

    Cynthia15 New Member

    Aug 10, 2009
    Fort Myers, FL
    where do you live now?
  14. JimToss

    JimToss Thank You Chad Pennington

    Oct 11, 2009
    Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

    Because she was a woman.
    opfinistic likes this.
  15. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    DEA officer stops at the Gaunt ranch in Texas, and
    talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I
    need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
    Gaunt says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over
    there," as he points out the location.
    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I
    have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
    Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his
    badge and proudly displays it to Gaunt. "See this
    badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever
    I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers
    given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
    Gaunt nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his
    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams
    and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased
    close behind by the rancher's prize bull.
    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the
    officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "Horned"
    before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly
    terrified. Gaunt throws down his tools, runs to the
    fence and yells at the top of his lungs:

    "Your badge. Show him your BADGE!!!"
  16. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A salesman came across a house that had a large number
    of cars parked outside it. Intrigued, he stopped and
    decided to sell his double-glazing to the owner.
    Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the
    salesman started into his banter. After she turned down
    his offer for double-glazing, his curiosity got the
    better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so
    many cars.
    "Well," she said. "I make bets with gentlemen, they
    lose they give me their car." The salesman becoming
    more intrigued, asks, "What does the bet entail?
    "All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does."
    "Is that all? How old is your son?"
    "He's only seven."
    With this the salesman can't resist anymore. "OK, I'll
    bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if
    you win you get my car, but what do I get?"
    "I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time
    in my bedroom." The salesman agrees and the woman calls
    her son.
    "Right, Tommy I put your hand up my blouse."
    Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the
    salesman does exactly the same.
    "Tommy, put your hand in my bra."
    Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the
    salesman does exactly the same.
    "Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt."
    Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the
    salesman does exactly the same.
    "Now Tommy, I want you to bend your dick.
    The salesman hands her his keys.
  17. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Bobby was excited about his first day at school. So
    excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class
    started, he realized that he desperately needed to go
    to the bathroom.
    So Bobby raised his hand politely to ask if he could be
    excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked
    Bobby to be quick.
    Five minutes later Bobby returned, looking more
    desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he
    The teacher sat Bobby down and drew him a little
    diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will
    be able to find it now. Bobby looked at the diagram,
    said "yes" and goes on his way.
    Well five minutes later he returned to the class room
    and says to the teacher "I can't find it".
    Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has
    been at the school for awhile, to help him find
    the bathroom.
    So Tommy and Bobby go together and five minutes later
    they both return and sit down at their seats. The
    teacher asks Tommy "Well, did you find it?" Tommy is
    quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer
    shorts on backwards."
    GoPhins! likes this.
  18. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Two very drunk gentlemen stood at the bar near closing
    time. "I've got an idea," said one, "let's have one
    more drink and then go and find us some girls to bang."
    "No thanks," replied the other one, "I've got more
    than I can handle at home."
    "Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one
    more drink and go up to your place."
    gunn34 likes this.
  19. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

    A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

    Here is the exchange:

    Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

    Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

    Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

    Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

    Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

    Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

    Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

    'Excuse me?'

    Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

    Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

    Supervisor gets on the phone:

    Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

    Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

    Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

    Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

    Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

    Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

    Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

    After they get the fax :

    Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

    Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

    Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

    (What is wrong with these people?!?)

    Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

    Citibank: 'That might help...'

    Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

    Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

    Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
    phineas64, gunn34, SICK and 5 others like this.
  20. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist
    said, "I will need to give you an anesthetic."
    The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth."
    The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"
    The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain
    twice in my life. Just pull the tooth."
    The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even
    flinch. The dentist said, "If pain experience left you
    with that pain tolerance, I would like to know about it."
    The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three
    other men, and we stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday,
    Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when Thursday came, all were
    tired but me...so I went out by myself. When I got about
    four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground, I
    realized I had to 'do my business.' Knowing I couldn't
    make it back to the cabin, I decided to go right there.
    I tucked behind a tree and dropped my pants and squatted
    down to go. I didn't see the trap under the snow cover,
    and when I squatted, my privates dropped in the trap and
    tripped it, and it slammed shut on them."
    The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time,
    when was the second experience?"
    The man replied, "When I ran out of chain on the trap."
    TiP54, gunn34, SICK and 5 others like this.
  21. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two line poem.

    The contest was to have the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line.

    My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
    Marrying you screwed up my life.

    I see your face when I am dreaming.
    That's why I always wake up screaming.

    Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
    This describes everything you're not.

    Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
    But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

    I thought that I could love no other –
    That is until I met your brother.

    Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
    But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

    I want to feel your sweet embrace;
    But don't take that paper bag off your face.

    I love your smile, your face and your eyes –
    Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

    My love, you take my breath away.
    What have you stepped in to smell this way?

    My feelings for you no words can tell,
    Except for maybe "Go to hell.'

    What inspired this amorous rhyme?
    Two parts vodka, one part lime.
    TiP54, gunn34, SICK and 4 others like this.
  22. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Detroit Police Department reports finding a man's body in a river just west of Ford Field. The dead man's name will not be
    released until his family has been notified.

    The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption. He was wearing black fish-net stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Detroit Lions jersey. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum.

    The police removed his Lions jersey--- to spare his family any
    unnecessary embarrassment.

    Police do care!
    SICK likes this.
  23. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Rich is sitting at a bar when a 65 year old women sits down

    beside him and orders a drink. After a few drinks she asks him,

    "Have you ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter?"

    He replies "no."

    She says, "Well, would you like to?"

    He looks her over and sees she is actually pretty good looking

    for a 65 year old and he figures her daughter must be really hot

    so he says, "Sure, why not."

    They get into her Mercedes and on the way over, he can hardly

    wait to see what the daughter is like. As they come in through

    the front door of her house she hollers, "Mom, are you home?"
    TiP54 and SICK like this.
  24. MITCH

    MITCH New Member

    Nov 19, 2009
    Silverdale, WA
    A man is on his Harley, and he is riding along the California Beach, when suddenly the sky clouded up above his head and in a booming voice, God said "Because you have tried to be faithful to me always, I will grant you one wish"...

    The biker pulled over his bike and said "Build a huge bridge to Hawaii, so I can ride over whenever I want"

    God says "Your request is materialistic... The enormous challenges involved, the supports needed to reach the bottom of the Pacific Ocean... I can do it, but it's hard to justify your desire for worldly things"

    So the biker takes a while to think about something that will benefit mankind, and says "God, I wish that all men could understand our wives... I want to know how she feels and what she is thinking when she gives me the silent treatment... Why she cries at the littlest thing, and what she means when she says "Nothing's wrong", and how I can make her truly happy"

    To which God replies... "Do you want 2 or 4 lanes on that bridge"???
  25. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Three Jets fans and three Dolphin fans are travelling by train to
    a football game at New York. At the station, the
    three Jets fans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Dolphin fans buy
    just one ticket between them.
    "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?"
    asks one of the jets fans.
    "Watch and learn," answers one of the Dolphin fans.
    They all board the train. The Jets fans take their respective seats
    but all three Dolphin fans cram into a toilet and close the door
    behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
    comes around collecting tickets.
    He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door
    opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
    hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
    The Jets fans see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after
    the game, they decide to copy the Dolphin fans on the return trip and
    save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
    When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
    return trip. To their astonishment, the Dolphin fans don't buy a
    ticket at all!!
    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
    perplexed Jets fans."Watch and learn," answers a Dolphin fan.
    When they board the train the three Jets fans cram into a toilet and
    soon after the three Dolphin fans cram into another nearby. The train
    departs.Shortly afterwards, one of the Dolphin fans leaves the toilet and
    walks over to the toilet where the Jets fans are hiding.
    He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
    TiP54, gunn34, SICK and 2 others like this.
  26. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    About five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight . I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

    I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start.

    She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.

    I sat there fuming wondering what can she be doing. A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
  27. dolphinkev

    dolphinkev Active Member

    Jun 2, 2008
    Tiger woods sat on santa's lap, santa said ho ho ho, tiger said where where where.
    opfinistic and The G Man like this.
  28. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A Florida
    senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette
    convertible out
    of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed
    it to
    80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little
    he had left.

    'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing
    the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view
    mirror, he
    saw a state trooper behind him, blue and red lights
    and siren blaring.

    He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly
    thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and
    pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

    Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
    Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my
    shift ends in 30 minutes, plus today is Friday. If you
    give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
    before, I'll let you go.'

    The old
    gentleman paused then said, 'Three years ago, my
    ran off with a Florida State-Trooper. I thought you
    bringing her back!'

    'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the
    1armychick, TiP54, SICK and 4 others like this.
  29. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room
    with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't
    fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so
    they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and
    comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess
    and his eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened
    to you?" He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
    watched him all night." The next night it was a different
    guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing
    up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?
    You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof
    with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night
    was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man.
    The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and
    bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it..
    They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got
    ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him
    on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
    watched me all night."
    gunn34, dolphinkev and opfinistic like this.
  30. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
    with one of her students The teacher asked,
    'Harry, what's your problem?'
    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
    sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter
    than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
    Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
    office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
    explained to the principal what the situation was. The
    principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
    If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
    back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
    him and he agreed to take the test.
    'What is 3 x 3?'
    'What is 6 x 6?'
    And so it went with every question the principal thought
    a 3rd grader should know.
    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
    'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
    Ms. Brooks says to the principal,
    'Let me ask him some questions.'
    The principal and Harry both agreed.
    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
    only two of?'
    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
    oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
    Ms. Brooks:
    'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
    stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
    sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
    Harry: 'Shake hands.'
    The principal was trembling.
    Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
    that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
    'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
    seven questions wrong......
    dolphinkev and gunn34 like this.
  31. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a
    case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

    "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

    "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

    A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

    "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

    "Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

    Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price."
  32. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

    Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

    Over the course of the years the woman tightened the knob and the effects were wonderful. The woman remained young looking and vibrant.

    After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: All these years, everything has been working just fine.

    She said, I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

    The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

    She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."
    dolphinkev, Idahophin and SICK like this.
  33. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    TOTALLY non-PC. Just shaddap and laugh. :lol:


    A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
    undresses in the darkness.

    He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

    "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
    her request.

    She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to tly someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69."

    More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.....

    "Iss ow wedding night an' you wan' Garlic Chicken and snow peas?"
  34. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

    Nov 27, 2007
    DC Metro Area

    Elin Nordegren moved to the top of the Golfing World's money list today after "beating" the world's #1 golfer.

    The win came after the previous top golfer played several wrong holes.
    dolphinfn3454 likes this.
  35. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

    Nov 27, 2007
    DC Metro Area
    Tiger Woods Holiday Poem

    Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

    Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

    She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

    Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

    He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

    Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

    He’d been cheatin' with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

    with Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

    From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

    Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

    With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

    When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

    Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

    Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

    And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

    "If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

    She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

    Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
    dolphinfn3454 and Idahophin like this.
  36. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Dave sent his wife an email message that he'd be home a
    day earlier than planned. Arriving at the house, he
    discovered his wife in bed screwing with another man.
    Bitterly, Dave kicked them out of the house, and started
    to plan a course of action. His thoughts were interrupted by
    a call from his soon to be ex-mother- in- law. She believed
    that there was no doubt a good explanation for her daughter's
    behavior. Dave told her to buzz off. The next day his
    mother-in-law called again. "Didn't I tell you?" she said.
    "Didn't I tell you there was an explanation? I just got
    through talking to your wife. She never got your e-mail!
    It's all YOUR fault!"
    Merauder likes this.
  37. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    At a local college dance, a guy from America, named Rich, asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, "In America, we call this a hug". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too."

    A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, "In America, we call this a kiss". She replies, "Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too."

    Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, "In America, we call this a grass sandwich". She says, "Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it."
    Merauder likes this.
  38. Merauder

    Merauder Perseverance

    Dec 16, 2009
    Fort Lauderdale
    NFL officiating. That's the joke. Thanks.. I'll be here all night.
  39. MITCH

    MITCH New Member

    Nov 19, 2009
    Silverdale, WA
    What do you call a real small dog???

    A Subwoofer :up:
    Frumundah Finnatic likes this.
  40. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    An old gentleman wearing a beat-up old leather flying
    jacket sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of
    coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat
    down next to him... She turned to the man and asked,
    'Are you a real pilot?'
    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying;
    biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, T-6s, flew in WWII in a B-25,
    and later Sabre jets in the Korean conflict. I taught
    50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so yes,
    I guess I am a pilot.'
    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
    about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning,
    I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about
    naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
    It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
    The two sat sipping in silence.
    A little while later, a young man sat down on the other
    side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'
    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just
    found out I am a lesbian.'
    TiP54 likes this.

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