1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

Tags:
  1. TheColossus

    TheColossus NON !

    637
    1,274
    93
    Dec 6, 2009
    Dundee, Scotland
    I had a great Christmas

    I spent all day on my my X-Box playing a game where you drive cars, fight and have sex with lots of women

    Whats it called ?










    Oh yeah ..... Tiger Woods
     
  2. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
    when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
    'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
    'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
    The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a
    $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next
    year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
    The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
    'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it
    to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and
    answered, 'Yes, he sure did!' The little girl looked
    up at the cop and said, 'Next year, tell Santa: The
    dick goes underneath the horse.'
     
    dolphinkev, gunn34 and dolphinfn3454 like this.
  3. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

    22,464
    9,905
    0
    Nov 27, 2007
    DC Metro Area

    What do you call a Dog with no legs???





    Answer #1: Don't matter, wont come any way!



    Answer #2: Cigarette, and you take it for a drag!
     
  4. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Morris was screwing his best friend's wife when he
    suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding
    his head in his hands."What the hell is your problem?"
    the lady asked."I feel like a regular son of a *****,
    getting my best friend's *****," the man moaned.
    The lady reached over and patted him on the back.
    "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying,"
    she said. You're not getting his *****...."His *****
    is three to four inches deeper."
     
  5. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after
    an examination the dentist says, "That tooth has to
    come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain
    and I'll be back in a few minutes."
    The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says. "No way. I
    hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
    So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."
    The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very
    sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
    So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass
    of water, "Here, "he says. "Take this pill."
    The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
    The doc replies, "Viagra."
    The cowboy looks surprised and asks,
    "Will that kill the pain?"
    *"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you
    something to hold on to while I pull the tooth."
     
    DeDolfan likes this.
  6. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce:
    there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or
    wandering, or any of the usual things that lead to this
    situation. The woman replied that she was seeking the
    divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying
    to stifle his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean
    homosexuality?" "No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality.
    He's a bum lay!"
     
  7. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,403
    39,953
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    Mickey Mouse stood before the judge waiting for the verdict on his divorce case.

    "Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce. Although you claim she is crazy, the court has found Minnie Mouse to be mentally competent," proclaimed the judge.

    "But your Honor," he said, "I didn't say Minnie was crazy. I said she was ****ing Goofy!"

    ***************************

    A plane is flying over the Atlantic Ocean as the pilot is finishing an announcement on the intercom. Putting the mike down, he hits the Off switch. Unbeknownst to him, the switch is malfunctioning and his conversation is broadcast into the passenger area.

    "Take over for awhile, Dave," the pilot says to his co-pilot. "I think I'll go take a dump and then bang that new stewardess."

    At this statement the passengers fly into a frenzy of conversation and gossip. The stewardess is greatly embarassed and can no longer stay at her post, so she hurries toward the cockpit. But in her haste she trips and falls to her knees in the aisle.

    She happens to land next to a sweet little old lady, who turns to help her up. As she does, the lady says sweetly, "Don't rush, dearie; he said he had to take a dump first."

    ************************************

    A man who is having gas problems explains to his doctor that every time he farts it sounds like honda. The doctor does an examination and finds nothing wrong with the man. As a last resort he looks into the patient's mouth and finally spots the problem. "I'm sorry, you'll have to go to a dentist for your problem."

    So the man goes to see his dentist. After a quick exam, the dentist announces that the man has an abscess. "No problem, I'll have you fit and without your embarrassing problem in a jiffy," says the dentist.

    Sure enough, the man's problem disappears and he no longer makes farts that sound like a honda. The next week the man calls up the dentist and thanks him for all he's done for him. But before he hangs up
    he asks the dentist how he knew the problem was caused by an abscess.

    The dentist replies, "It's easy. Everyone knows that abscess makes the fart go honda.

    *****************

    Rimshot on that last one! :lol:
     
    DeDolfan and NJFINSFAN1 like this.
  8. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were
    very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell
    something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
    Little Mary led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I
    made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to
    appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that
    approach for my obvious success."
    "Very good," said the teacher.
    Little Sally was next: "I sold magazines," she said,
    "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines
    would keep them abreast of current events."
    "Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher
    held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of
    the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's
    desk "$2,467," he said.
    "$2,467," cried the teacher, "what in the world were you selling?"
    "Tooth brushes," said Little Johnny. "Tooth brushes,"
    echoed the teacher, "how could you possibly sell enough
    tooth brushes to make that much money?"
    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny.
    "I set up a Chip and Dip stand. I gave everybody who
    walked by a sample. They all said the same thing...
    'Hey, this tastes like sh*t!'
    Then I would say, "It is sh*t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
     
    DeDolfan likes this.
  9. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,403
    39,953
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school, rolled down his window and said "If you get in, I’ll give you a lollipop!"

    The girl kept walking.

    Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you TWO lollipops!" She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

    The man said "Get in with me and I’ll give you this WHOLE bag of lollipops!"

    Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Prius, YOU ride in it!"
     
  10. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Three retired old gents, raconteurs all, were sitting
    around the National Geographic's Explorer Club,
    sippin' on some 25 year old scotch and spinning tall
    tales from their past, when the oldest asked,
    "What was the most terrifying sound they ever heard ?"
    The first old man said, "I was in Africa and got
    separated in the bush from my guide and hunting party
    and suddenly heard a deafening noise, a herd of wild
    elephants thundering right at me and I had no place to hide."
    The second gent said, "I was an air force fighter
    pilot and was flying from New York to London and was
    over the middle of the Atlantic Ocean when the jet
    engine on my plane began making the most sickening
    sounds I had ever heard anything mechanical make, like
    it was breaking apart and about to quit."
    The third man, the one who had asked the question said,
    "I have the worst one of all. I was having an affair
    with this married woman that lived in Hollywood Hills
    and her husband surprised us, coming home early from
    an out of town trip, and caught us, naked going at it
    in their bedroom. I jumped up, ran to the window and
    tried to jump out." The old man paused, was sipping a
    bit of scotch, when one the other two men asked, "Well,
    so what was the terrifying sound?" He replied, "Just
    a minute. This is a little hard for me to relive."
    After a short pause, he took a deep breath and continued,
    "Well I was more than half-way out the window but the
    woman's husband had grabbed me by the testicles as I was
    falling ! So there I was, hanging by my balls, and the
    worst sound I ever heard happened.
    It was the clicking sound of a man trying to open a
    pocket knife with his teeth!"
     
    byroan likes this.
  11. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A lady was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
    checkout, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed
    the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was
    ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You
    must be single.' she was a bit startled by this proclamation,
    but she was intrigued by the derelict's
    intuition, since she was indeed single.She looked at
    the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
    unusual about her selections that could have tipped
    off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting
    the better of her, She said: Well, you know what, you're
    absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?
    The drunk replied, 'Cause you're freakin ugly.
     
  12. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,406
    10,985
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
    so he asks the biker his name.

    'Fred,' he replies.
    'Fred what?' the officer asks.
    'Just Fred,' the man responds.
    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
    break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
    presses him for the last name.

    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me,
    Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

    The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
    Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

    When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
    medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

    Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
    Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
    Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
    Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
    Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
    The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

     
    Pagan and RGF like this.
  13. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,403
    39,953
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

    While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

    "Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

    "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

    "Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

    "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

    "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
     
    DeDolfan, dolphinkev and Idahophin like this.
  14. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    :lol::up: Good one Pagen.
     
  15. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Old man

    One day this old man was about to have sex with an eighteen-year- old girl, who he did not know. The old man began to put on his condom when the young girl asked him why is he putting one on.

    She said "you don't have to worry about getting me pregnant because you are too old and you don't have to worry about catching anything because you are going to die pretty soon anyway".

    The old man continued to put on his condom he then looked up at the girl and said, "young girl the reason I am putting on this condom isn't because I am afraid of getting you pregnant or catching anything. I just like the scent of burning rubber."
     
    DeDolfan and dolphinkev like this.
  16. Lions_Footsoldier32

    Lions_Footsoldier32 New Member

    28
    20
    0
    Feb 2, 2010
    Midwest
    Brett Favre and Adrian Peterson are working together to form a bakery.

    They will specialize in turnovers!

    :yahoo:
     
  17. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,406
    10,985
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    [​IMG]
     
  18. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

    While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

    He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

    He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

    A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

    A Captain said it was 50-50%.

    A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

    There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

    Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

    The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

    "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."


    The room fell silent.

    God Bless the enlisted man.
     
    cuchulainn, phineas64 and Ultra like this.
  19. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A doctor is doing the rounds of a maternity ward. "And when
    is Mrs. Smith's baby due?" he asks the nurse.
    "The 5th of September," replies the nurse.
    "I see," says the doctor. "And how about Mrs.Jones?"
    "She's due on the 5th also," replies the nurse.
    "And Mrs.Evans?" says the doctor.
    "She's also due on the 5th," says the nurse.
    "And, don't tell me Mrs. Brown is due on the 5th as well,"
    says the doctor."I don't think so," replies the nurse.
    "She didn't go on the church picnic."
     
  20. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If
    you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece
    of the action."
    "Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady. "If y'all
    can hold it in one hand, I ain't the least bit
    interested."
     
    BigDogsHunt and SICK like this.
  21. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,403
    39,953
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said....

    "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

    On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

    She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am a Princess and I take orders from no one."

    To which the flight attendant replied without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *****."
     
    BigDogsHunt, SICK, eric and 1 other person like this.
  22. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,406
    10,985
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need
    to go out and fix the outhouse!"

    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

    So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There
    ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

    "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"


    Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

    "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
    back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"


    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
    Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

    To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"
     
    BigDogsHunt, GISH, eric and 1 other person like this.
  23. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,403
    39,953
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a pretty young woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

    The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
    but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
     
    BigDogsHunt, SICK, eric and 2 others like this.
  24. Kanye West

    Kanye West 'Parcells' Guy

    11,075
    1,946
    0
    Mar 23, 2008
    Joey Porter
     
    SICK, GISH, Fin D and 1 other person like this.
  25. Whitedolphin54

    Whitedolphin54 From the land of legends Luxury Box

    3,647
    883
    0
    Nov 26, 2007
    Somerset UK
    A man walks into a Pharmacy and says "where's the Tampax" The assistant replies "Over there mate" The man returns with cotton wool balls and toilet paper. "Thought you wanted Tampax" the assistant said. " Yeah well last week I asked the wife to get me a pack of 20 ****, but she came back with a pouch of tobacco-so we will see how she likes rolling her own!
     
    SICK, GISH, eric and 1 other person like this.
  26. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    An overweight man was waiting in line at a bank. There
    were two teenage boys in line behind him.
    They were giggling and making fun of how fat the man
    was. After five minutes of this the man turned to the
    boys and asked them politely to stop, as he couldn't
    help his weight problem.
    With this the boys asked: Oh, and why are you so fat
    Mister?
    The Man turned around and replied: "Well, every time I
    screwed your mother, she gave me a cookie."
     
    JCowScot, SICK, calphin and 4 others like this.
  27. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Men's Pearls of Wisdom

    1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.

    2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

    3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

    4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

    5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

    6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

    7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

    8. Virginity can be cured.

    9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

    10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

    11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

    12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

    13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
    A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

    14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

    15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
    A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

    16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    A: Breasts don't have eyes.

    17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
     
    Fin-Omenal, gunn34 and Pagan like this.
  28. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
    Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at
    the end of it.



    The next day, the kids came back and, one by one,
    began to tell their stories. There were all the regular
    types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.



    But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay,
    that only William was left.



    "William, do you have a story to share?'



    'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my
    Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm,
    and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
    enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
    whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

    She drank the whiskey on the way down so
    the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute
    landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

    She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran
    out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till
    the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with
    her bare hands.'



    'Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What
    did your daddy tell you was the moral to this
    horrible story?'



    'Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's
    been drinking.'
     
    JCowScot, SICK, GISH and 2 others like this.
  29. DeDolfan

    DeDolfan Premium Member Luxury Box

    19,406
    10,985
    0
    Nov 23, 2007
    Rehoboth Beach
    A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

    Doctor: "What happened?"
    Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
    Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

    Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"





     
    SICK, GISH, Fin D and 4 others like this.
  30. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    A guy and a girl are having sex when they both say, "I'm
    really hungry and thirsty too." It was freakin' freezing
    in the house so they both have an argument over who should
    go get the food and drink.After a while they decide to have
    a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the
    one to stay in bed.They both think for a while when the guy
    says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine,
    I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine."
    So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay, two times two is four
    plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never
    know the depth of mine."
     
    Pagan and DeDolfan like this.
  31. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping
    into things. He calls the vet try to remedy the problem.
    The vet says. "I think the best thing is to stick a
    pipe up his *** and blow real hard and the cow's eyes
    will straighten out. The vet - a 70 year old man -
    inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to
    straighten, but the vet soon loses his breath and the
    cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another
    try, but loses his breath again. The vet looks at the
    farmer - a young healthy man - and says, you look like
    a strong man, why don't you give it a try. The farmer
    agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cow's ***,
    turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins
    to blow. "Holy smokes," says the vet, "what in the hell
    did you do that for?"The farmer replies, "You don't think
    I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that
    you had your mouth on."
     
    eric and Pagan like this.
  32. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,403
    39,953
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

    Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nice-a, spenda da money on her, but besta of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!

    The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?

    Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'ma gonna go get her".
     
  33. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,403
    39,953
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

    The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

    John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

    The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

    Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window but never touched or harmed him.

    Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and
    wasn't drunk.

    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

    "Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while
    we were pushing it!!!!"
     
  34. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes
    the best patients to operate on.

    The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see
    accountants on my operating table because when you open
    them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you
    should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color
    coded."

    The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really
    think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is
    in alphabetical order."

    The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You
    know, I like Construction workers. Those guys always
    understand when you have a few parts left over."

    But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all
    up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are
    the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
    balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the a$$
    are interchangeable.
     
    eric likes this.
  35. Pagan

    Pagan Metal & a Mustang

    20,403
    39,953
    113
    Mar 22, 2008
    Newburgh, NY
    The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

    The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

    The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

    He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, squeezed his *** and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
     
  36. 305

    305 Ryan F'n Tannehill Club Member

    7,590
    3,806
    113
    Dec 7, 2007
    Go away.. 'batin.
    Might be posted before but:

    A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
    "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"
    "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
    The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
    "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
    The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
    The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"
    "1955, ma'am."
    "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."
    She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
    Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
    The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
    (Gotta love military time)
     
    JCowScot, eric, dolphinkev and 2 others like this.
  37. ILPhinFan88

    ILPhinFan88 Premium Member Luxury Box

    eric and SICK like this.
  38. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

    72,739
    35,437
    113
    Nov 29, 2007
    Charlotte NC
    why cant helen keller drive?

    shes a women
     
  39. 54Fins

    54Fins "In Gase we trust"

    4,470
    1,519
    113
    Nov 29, 2007
    over there
    An old man goes into a drug store to buy some viagra. "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters"? " I can cut them for you said Dan the Pharmacist,,but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."
    " I am 96 said the old man, I don't want an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."
     
    SICK and gunn34 like this.
  40. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

    2,923
    1,615
    113
    Nov 23, 2007
    Snake River Plain
    HEY GUYS, THIS IS ALARMING!
    Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right,
    FEMALE hormones! Last month, Sydney University and
    scientists released results of a recent analysis that
    revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
    should take a serious look at their beer consumption.
    The theory is that beer contains female hormones(hops
    contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough
    beer, men turn into women.
    To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners
    (1/2 liter glass) of beer within a one hour period.
    It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
    yes, 100% of all these men:
    1) Argued over nothing.
    2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
    3) Gained weight.
    4) Talked excessively without making sense.
    5) Became overly emotional
    6) Couldn't drive.
    7) Failed to think rationally, and
    8) Had to sit down while urinating.
    No further testing was considered necessary!
     
    Phinatic425, anditsgood, SICK and 5 others like this.

Share This Page