Official Joke Thread

hahaha, watch the wall.....

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

A man returning home a day early from a business trip
got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he
would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having
an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For
$100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby
tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the
lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife
in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very
generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid
for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our
new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even
pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly
lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and
aid, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket
before he catches a cold."

A man goes to the doctor's office one day. The nurse,
quite attractive, says, "The doctor is over at the
hospital right now. He won't be back for about an hour.
Could you tell me your symptoms, please?"
He tells her.
She looks at him appraisingly and decides he's just
tense. She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just
the thing for you!"
He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room
and screws the daylights out of him.
About a week later, he returns, only to find that the
doctor is there. The doctor listens to the man's
symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just
tense... he writes out a prescription for a sedative
and says, "That'll be $150 for this visit." The man
says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather
have the $50 cure!"

A young woman went to and evening class to improve
her sexual capabilities.
When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange
and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and
a piece of chalk and a black-board. "What is all this
for?" she asked.
The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging
fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "swing
your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing
your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing
your hips forward and touch the orange."
The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon
gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said
enthusiastically, "but what is the chalk for?"
"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor,
"I want you to stick the chalk up your ass and write
'Mississippi' on the black-board twenty times."

Young Pauly found a girlfriend, but neither one of them knew what to do
about sex (one would have thought it's intuitive, but there you have it).
They went to Maury for advice, and Maury told the young woman to
undress and get on the bed and he would show them what to do.
The young woman undressed as she was told by Maury and preceded
to get on the bed. Experienced Maury then began to show them the
steps involved in making love, in every possible position. When he was
finished, he said to Pauly, "Now you can take her home and practice
what I have shown you." The young woman said, "Wait a minute Maury,
show him again what to do...
he is a little forgetful."

Idahophin walks into a bar and says "ow"

"Pauly wrote:

Idahophin walks into a bar and says "ow"

:oops:

"Pauly wrote:

Idahophin walks into a bar and says "ow"

"enforcerfin33 wrote:

Wasn't meant to be funny. It's like:
q:What's brown and Sticky?

a: A stick.

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to 'Mom'. With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mum,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion......
Mom she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and
has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She
deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son, Paul
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you - call me when it's safe to come home

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

These are notes written by PARENTS in an Arkansas school district.. (Spellings have been left intact.)

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take pe today. please execute him.

2. Please exkuce Mona for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: Please ecsc'S Johnny's being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Lorrie from jim today. she is administrating.

5. Please excuse Ronald from p.e. for a few days. yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. Todd has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carl was absent yesterday because he was playing football. he was hurt in the growing part.

8. Meg could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chri! s will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Gary Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Peter from being absent yesterday. he had (diahre, dyrea, direathe), the sh**s.

12. Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. he had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jack for being. it was his father's fault.

15. I kept Bill home because she had to go christmas shopping because i dont know what size she wear.

6. Please excuse Jenny for missing school yesterday. we forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. we thought it was sunday.

17. Betty won't be in school a week from Friday. we have to attend her funeral.

18. Please excuse Jonathan for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

19. Please excuse Mandy for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

20. Please excuse Terry. She has been sick and under the doctor.

-- Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly.

-- Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone.

-- Man who run in front of car get tired.

-- Man who run behind car get exhausted.

-- Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

-- Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

-- Man with one chopstick go hungry.

-- Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.

-- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

-- Baseball is wrong -- man with four balls cannot walk.

-- War doesn't determine who is right. War determines who is left.

-- Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need
to give you an anesthetic."

The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth."

The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"

The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life.
Just pull the tooth."

The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch. The
dentist said, If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I would
like to know about it."

The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we
stayed in a cabin. We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday,
and when Thursday came, all were tired but me, so I went out by
myself. When I got about four miles from the cabin, I realized I had
to 'do my business.' Knowing I couldn't make it back to the cabin,
I decided to go right there. I tucked behind a tree and dropped my
pants and squatted down to go. I didn't see the trap , and when I
squatted, my privates dropped in the trap and tripped it, and it
slammed shut on them."

The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time, when was the
second experience?"

The man replied, "When I ran out of chain on the trap."

On a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, Morris stood on the first tee at
his country club. He had just pulled out his driver when a young woman
in a wedding gown came running up to him, crying.
"You bastard!" she screamed in his face. "You lousy no-good rotten
damn stinking bastard!" "What's your problem Sherry ?" he calmly
replied. "I distinctly
told you only if it rained."

An analyst was listening to a voluptuous beauty with a problem of her
own. "It's liquor, doctor," she sobbed. "I'm really a very nice girl, but just
as soon as I've had a drink or two, I become uncontrollably passionate
and I want to make love to whomever I happen to be with." "I see,"
the analyst said thoughtfully. "Well, suppose I just mix us up a couple of
cocktails here and then you and I can sit down, nice and relaxed, and
discuss this compulsive neurosis of yours."

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man
headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat.
>
> He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he
stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young
gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other.
>
> The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man,
have you ever danced?'
>
> The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never danced,
> and I've never wanted too.'
>
> A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you
old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector in order not to get a toe blown off or his boots perforated,
was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing
fit to be tied.
>
> When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man
turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shot-gun, and cocked both
hammers back. The loud, audible double click's carried clearly through the
desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard
the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost
deafening. The crowd watc hed as the young gunman stared at the old timer and
the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow. The
barrel of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
>
> The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
>
> The young bully swallowed hard and said,
> 'No sir, but I've always wanted to.'
>
> There are two lessons for us all here:
>
> 1. Don't waste ammunition.
>
> 2. Don't mess with old people.

It was the first day of school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? S*** this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little s***. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh s***, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th, 2008".

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'


The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two buttholes.'

'What? He had two buttholes?' gasped the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two buttholes.'

4 truths

During these tumultuous times, people of all faiths should
remember the Four Great Religious Truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

Ashes to Ashes

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

Please play nice it's only a joke...:up:

Mike

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba
had so many women hanging around that he couldn't
possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba,
"Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to
have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the
dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the
bedroom.

He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of
opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started
banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said,
"That you, Bubba?"

"Idahophin wrote:

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba
had so many women hanging around that he couldn't
possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba,
"Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to
have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the
dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the
bedroom.

He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of
opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started
banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said,
"That you, Bubba?"

i heard it with sammy davis jr and richard burton, elizabeth taylor was the "receptacle". its still funny, no matter who you are.