Official Joke Thread

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word
service.

Internal Revenue Service

U.S. Postal Service

Telephone Service

Cable Service

Civil Service

Customer Service

State, City & County Public Service

This is not what I thought service meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those service agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

And the the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's just about perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her behind look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? "
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire " while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man goes to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel."

oops!

you are on a bus and you have to fart. music is playing over the loud speaker so you time your farts with the beat of the music.
when you come to your stop and you start to leave, you notice everyone is staring at you.
thats when you realize you're listening to your IPOD.

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ' Dad , why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, ' Dad , I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons
they had to eliminate one team from the league.

So they've decided to combine the Green Bay
Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many
layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs, they will be known as
the.......... TAMPACKS.

Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.....

I wanted to tell her I loved her but I couldn't cuz my mom was scared.....

she said you're movin with your auntie and uncle in bel-air

lmao.

"anlgp wrote:

I wanted to tell her I loved her but I couldn't cuz my mom was scared.....

she said you're movin with your auntie and uncle in bel-air

lmao.

........................:no:

rye bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so m uch energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves . by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this **** but me."

Air Temperatures:

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver
uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees - Italian cars don't start.
32 degrees - Water freezes.
30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep
pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream,
Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless,
New York City water freezes, Miami residents
plan vacation farther south.
15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on
sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees - American cars don't start.
0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut
when you step outside.
-15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build
an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal
objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you,
politicians actually do something about the
homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof,
Japanese cars don't start.
-25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to
get the driver going.
-30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars
don't start.
-40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button
top button, Canadians put on sweater, your
cat helps you plan your trip South.
-50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans
close the bathroom window.
-80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer
(and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at
the game.
-90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100 degrees - Hell freezes over.

A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night,
the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and laughing. Her husband
groggily asks, "What are you laughing about?" She tells him that she
has just had a dream and she dreamed that she was at a **** auction.
She said, "They had BIG ones there that were 12 inches long and big
around and they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars.
She went on to say that they had some 10 inch long ones that were
slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around $8,000
dollars. The husband is excited by now and asks "Honey were there
any at the auction like mine?" She says, "Why yes, they were over
on the souvenir table and they were selling at 2 for a quarter..."
He disgustedly turns and goes back to sleep.
Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the middle of
the night just laughing and laughing and laughing. The wife asks
him, "what in the world are you laughing about?" He goes on to
say that he dreamed he was at a pussy auction. He said, "They had
little tiny ones there that had no hair at all and they were selling for
$50,000 dollars. He went on to say that they had some with just a little
bit of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going for
$42,000 dollars. The wife is excited by this time and asks, "Honey did
they have any there like mine?
He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no ... WAIT... they had two.
They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"

Tree Hugger

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, but they all turned me down."

Subject: WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear Walter,I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22.We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila:A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine ... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.I hope this helps, WALTER

Welfare office

This guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up
his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job"

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing
is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for
his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter
on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to
say but you will also have as part of your job assignment
to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom
loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole
use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin'
me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . .. you started it."

Jack sets Bobby up to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Bobby is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.
"What do I do if she's ugly and scary?" says Bobby, "I'll be stuck with her all night."
"Don't worry," Jack says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you
like what you see, then everything goes as planned.
If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh! ' and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Bobby knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts: "Aaaaaauuuggghhh! "

Dave Barry on his Colonoscopy:

...I called my friend Andy Sable, a Gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a Colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the Colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND !!!!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies .

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous ..Then, on the day before my Colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons..) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, < BR>state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking,' What if I spurt on Andy ?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full " Fire Hose Mode . "
You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand .

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade . I f you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine ...'and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors.

I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER:
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

COLONOSCOPIES
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during exams were quite humorous......

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients
(predominately male) before or after their colonoscopies :

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

13. 'How far up did you go? I now have a sore throat.'

And the best one of all..

14. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here.

The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said,
"Joyce and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today.
Joyce said that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they
hired him to model Jockey shorts." Her husband said, "So?"
Then Mary said "her husband could go so long and hard that they hired
him to model condoms.""I hope you stood up for me," he said.
"I did," his wife replied." I told them you could be a model, too."
"Thank you." "
"If," she went on, "anybody needed a model for a cocktail wiener."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper too, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...?"

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, seated across from one another. As the meal progressed, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!"
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Naples, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids."

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'," Morris replied. To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'"

"Aqua4Ever04 wrote:

I have a joke.

Women's basketball.

ZING!

hahahahahaha!!!! you sir, rule.