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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

    The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
     
  2. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

    She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

    "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

    The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

    The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

    The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

    He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

    The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

    "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

    "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

    Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

    "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
     
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  3. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
    12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
    13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
     
  4. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

    The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

    She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"

    The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

    The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

    The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

    Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
     
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  5. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    The Goodnight Kiss

    One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
    Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
    Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
    Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
    Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
    Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
    Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
    Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
    Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
    Her: "No, no. I just can't"
    Him: "I beg you ... "
    Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
     
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  6. orangefinfan

    orangefinfan New Member

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    Thats awesome and so very true! :up:
     
  7. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation.
    After a week he joined them in the hotel.
    As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife
    and gave her "the look".
    Whispering under her breath, the wife says "No darling, we can't do it here,
    our kid is watching!" Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach."
    After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on
    an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your
    cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"
    Embarrassed, the husband admits "You are right, but I had a moment of
    weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a
    policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."
    The cop thought for a second and said "Don't worry... you are a colleague
    and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught
    this ***** making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."
     
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  8. ILPhinFan88

    ILPhinFan88 Premium Member Luxury Box


    Thats a TV commercial or something. I've seen it. It's funnier seeing it acted out.
     
  9. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization" , a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

    Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

    Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

    Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

    Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

    Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

    Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

    Afterwords, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

    He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
     
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  10. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Star Wars quotes that sound incredibly dirty out of context:


    ‘Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!’

    ‘Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?’

    ‘Put that thing away before you get us all killed.’

    ‘You’ve got something jammed in here real good.’ ‘

    ‘Look at the size of that thing!’

    ‘I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.’

    ‘Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?’

    ‘There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.’

    ‘Possible he came in through the south entrance.’

    ‘Control, control! You must learn control!’

    ‘Hey, point that thing someplace else.’

    ‘I never knew I had it in me.’

    ‘There is good in him, I’ve felt it.’

    ‘Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me — now I owe you one.’

    ‘Back door, huh? Good idea!’

    ‘She’s gonna blow!’

    ‘Pull out! You’re not doing any good back there!’

    ‘YAHOOOOO! You’re all clear, kid. Now let’s blow this thing and go home. ‘

    “Oh. I thought they smelled bad on the *outside*.’
     
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  11. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    :sidelol:
     
  12. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A lady is on holiday in Turkey when she stumbles upon
    an exotic rug shop. Upon entering she find it has some
    of the finest rugs she has ever seen, particularly a
    large center piece which hangs on the main wall. The
    lady loves it and promptly goes over to inspect further.
    After admiring it's workmanship she decides to test the
    quality and bends down to feel the corner, as she does
    this she accidentaly lets slip a very loud fart!
    Embarassed by her mishap she quickly looks round to make
    sure there is no-one about. Just at that moment a Turkish
    salesman appears from behind one of the stands....
    "Can I help you m'am?" he asks the rather startled woman.
    "Oh yes sir you can," she replies, hoping there is no
    odor, "I just love this rug," she exclaims, "it's the
    best I have ever seen, can you tell me how much it is?"
    The salesman pauses, and rubs his chin... "Well madam,
    this is the finest rug in the land, hand crafted by the
    country's top rug weavers, and let me tell you this, if
    you farted by merely touching it, you're going to ****
    yourself when you hear the price
     
  13. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.

    On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
    She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.

    While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

    When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.

    Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
    To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
     
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  14. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    During a recent publicity outing, Jennifer sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

    "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

    She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

    "Will I be acquitted?"
     
  15. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin.
    Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
    undresses in the darkness.

    He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My
    darring,"he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten.
    I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting
    you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound
    experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
    her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting
    I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

    More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
    Eventually, in a puzzled Tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
     
  16. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
    Usually she slept through the class.

    One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
    "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

    When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
    sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

    "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

    The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

    A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

    But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

    Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

    "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,

    "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back sleep.

    The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
    she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

    This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
    damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

    The nun fainted...........
     
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  17. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    The Los Angeles Police Dept., the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.


    The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

    The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it -- including the rabbit -- and make no apologies. Their press release on their "successful operation" notes "The rabbit had it coming."

    The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "OK, OK -- I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
     
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  18. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident". "OH DEAR GOD NO!!!" George W. Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the President, devastated, looks up and asks.......... "How many is a Brazillion??!"
     
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  19. RGF

    RGF THE FINSTER Club Member

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    :sidelol:
     
  20. cnc66

    cnc66 wiley veteran, bad spelur Luxury Box

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    almost made milk shoot out my nose...
     
  21. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A man goes to Confession one day. He tells the Priest "Father, I'm 65 years old, and last night I made love to two 18 year old women. Twice."
    The Priest responds, "Okay, 5 Hail Marys and 5 Our Fathers."
    The man responds, "Oh, I'm not Catholic."
    "If you're not Catholic, why are you telling me this?"
    "I'm telling everybody."
     
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  22. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    President Bush and Osama Bin Laden decided to settle the war once and for all.

    They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

    Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

    After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

    When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

    When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund, but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.

    Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

    "That's nothing" said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog".
     
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  23. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.

    "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.

    Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

    The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

    She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ***." The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

    After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise, I'm the guy on the bus!"

    With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise, I'm the bus driver!"
     
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  24. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    One day, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. They set up their tent, crawled inside, and quickly fell asleep. A few hours later, Holmes woke his faithful friend and said: “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

    “What does that tell you?”

    Watson pondered for a minute and then said: “Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”

    Holmes was silent for a moment, and then said: “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!”
     
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  25. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.

    The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

    The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word". The priest sighs and tells him to continue.

    "Well Father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."

    The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"

    The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."

    The priest said, "And that's when you swore."

    The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."

    The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"

    The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away."

    The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"

    The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."

    The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the f***ing putt!!!"
     
  26. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    True story, from the book Inside Delta Force:

    An Army Major was dropped off at home by his buddies, absolutely stinking drunk. They knew the guy's wife was going to let him have it, so they waited in the bushes to see what happened. Sure enough, she greeted him at the door, all kinds of pissed off.

    The wife laid into the Major about his drinking, his smoking, and his wasting of money. Finally, she said, "You spent $100 last night! Do you know how long $100 could last me?!?"

    The Major slurred, "well, let's see...you don't drink, you don't smoke, and you've got your own *****. I figure $100 could last you just about forever, woman!"
     
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  27. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    Irish guy walks into a bar one Friday night and orders three pints of Guinness. The bartender serves the beer to him and asks why he wants three pints. The Irishman responds, "Well, I came over to America not long ago, but I've got me two brothers back in Ireland. We'd go out every Friday night at Sullivan's Bar and have a pint together. Since they can't be here, I'm having a beer for each of them."

    Sure enough, every Friday night for a year, he repeats the ritual. Until one Friday night, he comes back into the bar, and orders two pints of Guinness. The bar falls silent; all the regulars suspect the worst. The bartender comes over with two pints of Guinness and says, "These are on the house. I'm sorry for your loss, Paddy."

    The Irishman looks at the bartender, confused, then laughs and says, "Oh, no, me brothers are fine. I've just quit drinkin'!"
     
  28. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    Guy walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, "Hey, I've got the best joke for you. So, this Polish guy..."

    Immediately, the bartender cuts him off. "Hold it pal. I'm Polish. The two guys sitting on either side of you are Polish, and the 300 pound bouncers at the door are the Kowalski twins. Still want to tell that joke?"

    The guy responds, "nah, I don't want to explain it five times."
     
  29. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A drunken man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While doing so, he tries to start something with a sober-looking guy, reading a book, sitting next to him. He says in his slurred speech,"I nailed your mom last night!" The rest of the people sidle back, expecting a fight.

    The sober guy pays no attention to him and continues reading. The drunk tries again.

    "I made love to your mom and it was GREAT!"

    Again, the people expected the sober guy to get angry. The sober guy ignores him once again and still continues reading.

    "When I was doing your mom-"

    The sober guy suddenly looks up and shouts at the drunk, "Dad! You're drunk! Go home!"
     
  30. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    Irish guy is sitting at a bar, and three Englishmen decide to try and rile him up. The first comes over and says, "your St. Patrick was ****!" The Irishman pays no attention, and continues drinking his beer.

    The second comes over and says, "your St. Patrick liked to bugger little boys!" The Irishman ignores the insult and goes about his business.

    The third comes over and says, "your beloved St. Patrick...was an Englishman!"

    The Irishman responds, "I know. That's what your two friends were trying to tell me."
     
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  31. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said.

    "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives bjs."

    Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving bjs, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog.

    She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another bj.

    Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

    "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.
    The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your *** is outta here."
     
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  32. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    The angry preacher...

    The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

    No one moved. The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

    Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."
     
  33. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Southern States Special Report:

    A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.

    Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.

    The minimum drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

    In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.

    How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married?
    There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of the pickup truck.

    Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

    Recently, the Governor's Mansion in Little Rock burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.

    The best thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.

    A South Carolina State Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver said, "Bout what
     
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  34. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A guy who is having feelings of sexual inadequacy decided to go and see a shrink.

    After the initial run down of questions, the psych goes over his notes and says "Well, Mr. Jones, you seem to be suffering from acute paranoia which is causing your little problem."

    "What can I do about it, doc?" Mr Jones asks.

    "Well, you really need to get in touch with yourself. Loosen up a little. If you can do that, I think you'll make some real progress."

    "Okay, that sounds easy, but I'm sure there's a lot of work involved." replies Mr. Jones.

    "Oh, not really." says the psych. "When I say 'Get in touch with yourself', I really mean it."

    Mr. Jones looks back with a blank stare.

    "What I'm trying to say is, you really should try mastuerbating, Mr. Jones. And often." "Find yourself a little private getaway area so that there are no familiarities that could distract you."

    "Well, I suppose I can give it a shot." says Mr. Jones, not realizing the pun in his reply.

    After leaving the clinic, Mr. Jones is driving his pickup truck through the countryside to mull over and let the advice of his doctor sink in.

    A few miles later, he looks around at the surrounding barren rural farm fields with a tree only every so often, and comes to the conclusion that this getaway place is as good as any.

    He pulls the truck to the side of the road, gets out, and slides underneath staring straight up at the transmission.

    "Ok, let's do this." he thinks to himself. "And if anyone stops to see if I'm in need of help, I'll just tell them the shift linkage is loose and I have to tighten it every so often."

    Satisfied with his plan, he unzips his jeans and exposes himself.

    After a few frustrating minutes with no climactic finish, he's about to give up when he realizes he really needs to follow the expert advice of his doctor in order to benefit and better himself.

    He closes his eyes tight, bites his bottom lip, and really starts pumping hard and heavy.

    10 minutes go by, and still no release of tension.

    "Gotta keep going!" Mr. Jones says to himself. The fun continues.

    2 minutes later, Mr. Jones hears footsteps approaching the side of his truck.

    A voice says "Hello, there sir. I'm a deputy with the Sheriff's department. What are you doing?"

    Remembering his cunning plan, Mr. Jones answers "Just tightening up the shift linkage on the 'ole tranny, sir. You know how these old trucks can be."

    "Yep I do." says the deputy. "While you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes, too. Your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
     
  35. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

    The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

    The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

    The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days"

    The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

    The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."
     
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  36. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    :sidelol:
     
  37. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasnt there. He went to look for her and, as he stepped outside, he saw "Mickey sucks" written in a yellow liquid in the snow.
    He called the police, they investigated and informed him that there was good news and bad news. "The good news," said the officer, "it was Goofy's urine."
    "And the bad news?", asked Mickey.
    "It was Minnie's handwriting."
     
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  38. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy wont be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

    Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

    So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

    The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

    An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

    The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

    "Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"
     
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  39. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    Guy walks into a bar, in a great state of haste, and yells, "give me six shots of your finest scotch, right now!"
    The bartender pours out six shots of his best stuff and the man downs them one after the other, without a moment's delay.
    The bartender says, "wow, I've never seen anyone down liquor that fast!"
    The man responds, "well, you'd drink fast too, if you had what I have?"
    "What do you have?"
    "I have...only two dollars."
     
  40. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A teenager walks into church and goes to confession. He says "bless me Father, for I have sinned. I got a blow job from a neighborhood girl this week."
    The priest responds, "was it Mary Katherine Flannery?"
    "No Father, I'm sorry, I can't tell you who it was."
    "Was it Margaret O'Doughlin?"
    "No Father. I'm sorry, I really can't tell you who it was."
    "Well, it must have been Christina McCarthy, then."
    "Father, I'm sorry, but I just can't tell you."
    "Very well," sighs the priest, and gives the kid his penance.

    Afterwards, the kid comes out and his friend asks, "what'd you get?"
    "Five Hail Marys, four Our Fathers and three good leads."
     
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