Official Joke Thread

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New Your City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was Fascinated."

The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only "fasten 8."

There was this fellow who had a pet goose. He loved his goose and took it everywhere with him. One day he went to the movies and the ticket seller told him that his goose was not allowed in the theater. He ran around the corner and stuffed the goose in his pants. Then he bought his ticket and went into the theater. He selected a seat next to two elderly ladies.

During the movie he could hear his goose panting due to lack of air. He unzipped his pants to let the goose breathe.

Soon the lady next to him elbowed her friend and whispered, "Esther, Esther you won't believe what’s going on next to me."

Esther glances over and says, "Well, you've seen one you've seen them all."

"Well, maybe, but this one's eating my popcorn!"

On the first day of college, the dean/principal addresses the students pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?".

To this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

What does a gentleman say to another gentleman at a gay bar when he walks up to the bar?

"Excuse me sir..do you mind if I push your stool in?"

"Section126 wrote:

What does a gentleman say to another gentleman at a gay bar when he walks up to the bar?

"Excuse me sir..do you mind if I push your stool in?"

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit :up:

Why was the baby Strawberry sad?

Because her mother was jammed.

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Where do cousins come from?

Aunt holes!

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Q: Why do Scottsman wear kilts?

A: Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away.

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Q: What do you call a black pilot?

A: A pilot you racist.

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A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his
neighborhood bar and ordered a drink.
The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong.
"I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some teed-off husband
wrote me and said that he'd kill me if I didn't stop ****ing his wife."
"So stop," the barkeep said.
"I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill.
"The prick didn't sign his name!"

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area". He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement, she gets up and starts stripping right in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown.... I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing?"

Seconds before his death, he says... "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages......"

You might be a Redneck Jedi if:

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You ever uttered the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.

At least one wing of your X-wing is primer colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You describe the taste of an Ewok as "jus' like chicken."

You have ever had a B-wing up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on planet Dagobah is "them dadgum skeeters."

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you wouldn't have to wait for a commercial.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot!"

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on your flight helmet.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

You kinda think that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire "them damn Yankees."

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

In your opinion, that Cee-Threepio fellow "just ain't right."

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a Lazy-Boy recliner.

The REAL reason you got into a fight in the cantina was because you ordered Bud Light...and they didn't have it.

You knew Princess Leia was your sister all along.

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
"What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcast- ically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it BACK OPEN. "I TOLD YOU I WAS BROKE SAID THE LITTLE OLD LADY "Don't be SO hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he DUMPED a bucket of horse manure ALL OVER her LIVING ROOM carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they JUST cut my electricity off this morning."

A man and his wife are driving along a country road when he hits a skunk trying to cross the road. His wife,an avid animal lover,demands that he stop and help the skunk. After a brief argument he stops the car so his wife can get out and see if the animal is OK. After a few moments she walks back to the car with the skunk in her arms and says to her husband " He`s still alive, we must drive to the vet to help him". He replies, "are you nuts, no way you`re bringing that skunk in this car". She gives her husband an evil look and says " either you drive to the vet or I`m walking and if I walk you`ll be sorry. With that,he reluctantly agrees and drives to the vet. After a few minutes the skunk starts to shake and the wife says to her husband " take off your shirt so I can wrap it around the skunk to keep him warm". Now, the husband had all he can stand and says to his wife, "look,I wanted no part of this in the first place. I agreed to let you bring that thing in this car against my wishes but under no circumstances am I taking my shirt off so you can put it around that damn animal. If you want to keep the skunk warm just pull up your dress and put it between your legs". To which his wife responded " no way, I cant do that, what about the horrible stink". Her husband says ,"you`re absolutely right ,I guess you`ll just have to hold the skunks nose".

"RGF wrote:

A man and his wife are driving along a country road when he hits a skunk trying to cross the road. His wife,an avid animal lover,demands that he stop and help the skunk. After a brief argument he stops the car so his wife can get out and see if the animal is OK. After a few moments she walks back to the car with the skunk in her arms and says to her husband " He`s still alive, we must drive to the vet to help him". He replies, "are you nuts, no way you`re bringing that skunk in this car". She gives her husband an evil look and says " either you drive to the vet or I`m walking and if I walk you`ll be sorry. With that,he reluctantly agrees and drives to the vet. After a few minutes the skunk starts to shake and the wife says to her husband " take off your shirt so I can wrap it around the skunk to keep him warm". Now, the husband had all he can stand and says to his wife, "look,I wanted no part of this in the first place. I agreed to let you bring that thing in this car against my wishes but under no circumstances am I taking my shirt off so you can put it around that damn animal. If you want to keep the skunk warm just pull up your dress and put it between your legs". To which his wife responded " no way, I cant do that, what about the horrible stink". Her husband says ,"you`re absolutely right ,I guess you`ll just have to hold the skunks nose".

:sidelol::sidelol:

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to
ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money
if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would
know when the baby was born To keep it discrete, he told her to simply
mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

"What seems to be the problem, Madam?" asked the attendant.

"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a black man. I can't possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"

"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class."

The woman shoots a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and self-satisfied grin.

"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class".

Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues: "It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."

With that, she turned to the black man and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you..."

At which point, the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the man walked to the front of the plane.

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they are ugly and they stink.

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Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.'

The Body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder quickly puts his clothes back on and chases after her. When he catches up to her, he asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!"

Things you learn by having boys

1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all Four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh" it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCRs do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

25. Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to relieve themselves. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it. Looking around, she was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'"

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a game. The blonde, who's tired and just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention; and figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "it's your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs but comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references--no answer. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress--no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde says "Thank you" and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

The Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."