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Official Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Lounge' started by GoPhins!, Mar 30, 2008.

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  1. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A drunk goes out one night and ties one on. Unfortunately, he has one too many and proceeds to barf all over his shirt. "Great, now what do I do?" he laments to the bartender.
    The bartender responds, "look, here's what I tell my customers. Take a ten-dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you go home, tell your wife that some guy threw up on you and gave you ten bucks to pay for the dry cleaning."
    The drunk, feeling confident, does that, and goes home.
    The next morning, his wife is doing the laundry, sees the shirt and asks, "what happened? You didn't get drunk again, did you?"
    The drunk responds, "Oh, no, I just had a beer or two. Some guy had a few too many and threw up all over my shirt. He left me $10 for the dry cleaning."
    "But there's $20 in here."
    "Oh, right. He also s**t in my pants."
     
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  2. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
    "I cant do that, officer."
    "Why not?"
    "Because I"m an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
    "Okay, we"ll just get a urine sample down at the station."
    "Cant do that either, officer."
    "Why not?"
    "Because I"m a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
    "Alright, we could get a blood sample."
    "Cant do that either, officer."
    "Why not?"
    "Because I"m a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
    "Fine then, just walk this white line."
    "Cant do that either, officer."
    "Why not?"
    "Because I"m drunk."
     
  3. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales
    girl approached him.

    Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

    Young Man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

    Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

    Young Man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't
    know what size I would need.

    Sales girl: May I hold your ***** to tell what size you would
    need? As she was holding the *****, she called for assistance:
    "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it
    LARGE... S**t! Give me a TISSUE !!!"
     
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  4. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
    "You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
    Three weeks later she was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the Captain.
    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing me."
    "He certainly is," replied the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
     
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  5. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A boss had to make cuts in his department, and had narrowed it down to two employees: Jack and Jill. There wasn't much to separate them, so he decided that whichever one showed up late for work would get fired. As it happened, they both came in half an hour early.
    So, the boss decided he would lay off whichever one took a coffee break first. Neither did.
    Then, he decided he would let go whichever one took a longer lunch break. Both worked through lunch and ate at their desk.
    Finally, he decided he'd let go whichever one left early. 5:00 came and went, and both continued to work.
    So, he decided to see who left first, and lay them off. At 5:15, both were still there. Same at 5:30. Finally, at 5:45, Jill got up to leave, and the boss came up to her and said, "Jill, I've got a real dilemma here. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."
    Jill responded, "well, I've got a bus to catch, so you'd better jack off."
     
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  6. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A man goes up to the sales counter and says "I'd like some Polish sausage, please."
    The clerk asks, "are you Polish?"
    The man responds, "now what kind of question is that? If I asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?"
    "No," replied the clerk.
    "So why are you asking if I'm Polish?"
    "Because, sir, this is The Home Depot."

    ---

    A friend of mine actually (inadvertently) played out a similar story in real life. He went to a a drugstore, and went to the counter. He began describing some horribly embarrassing personal problem and if they had any drugs for that. The girl at the counter stifled her laughter and said, "Sir, this is the photomat, the pharmacy's in the back of the store!"
     
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  7. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    In the waning days of the Soviet Union, a woman sent her husband to the market for bread, so the old man goes to the market and finds a long line ahead of him so he waits, and waits..... and waits. As he reaches the front of the line the man at the counter says " I'm sorry we're out."

    The old man is outraged, "I fought in the wars, I'm a veteran and a good party member! and you say I can't even get bread in this stupid place?!"

    A man in a coat and sunglasses steps from around the corner and says "hey comrade, I'd be careful if I were you. In the old days we'd have shot you for such treason."

    So the dejected man returns home to his wife who observes his empty hands and says "What? They're out of bread again?!?"

    The old man responds "It's worse, they're out of bullets too."
     
  8. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, a fly landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.

    The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

    The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

    The Irishman picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "Spit it out, ya filthy bastard!!!"
     
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  9. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A guy sits at a bar, opens a bag and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny piano player. The little man is about a foot tall. He sets them on the bar, and soon enough the little guy is playing beautiful music.
    The man sitting next to him says, "hey, that's pretty neat, where'd you get that?"
    The man with the miniature piano player says, "there's an old wizard just outside. He'll grant you one wish, but be careful, because his hearing's not so good."
    The other man runs outside, and says to the wizard, "I wish for a million bucks!"
    The wizard waves his wand, and soon, there's a whole bunch of ducks outside, quacking up a storm.
    The man goes back inside, dejected and says, "damn that old fart! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
    The first man says, "Hey, did you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
     
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  10. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
    The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
    The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
    Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
    The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
    The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"
    Confused, the bartender says no.
    "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
     
  11. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A traveling salesman stays overnight with a farm family. When the family gathers to eat there's a pig seated at the table. And the pig has three medals hanging around his neck and a peg leg. The salesman says, "Um, I see you have a pig having dinner with you."

    "Yes," says the farmer. "That's because he's a very special pig. You see those medals around his neck? Well, the first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the pond, and he was drowning, and that pig swam out and saved his life. The second medal, that's from when the barn caught fire and our little daughter was trapped in there and the pig ran inside, carried her out and saved her life. And the third medal, that's from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stock yard by a mean bull, and that pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boy's life."

    "Yes," says the salesman, "I can see why you let that pig sit right at the table and have dinner with you. And I can see why you awarded him the medals. But how did he get the peg leg?"

    "Well," says, the farmer, "a pig like that--you don't eat him all at once."
     
  12. cnc66

    cnc66 wiley veteran, bad spelur Luxury Box

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    booooo
     
  13. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A young man gets married. Unfortunately, unknown to his new bride, he's still a virgin. So, while his new bride is changing out of her wedding dress, he calls up his dad for advice on his wedding night duties.
    "Dad, how do I have sex with Julie?"
    The father, somewhat surprised by the question, decides he needs to put it as simply as he can. "Well son, what you do is you take that thing you played with as a little boy, and you put it where Julie pees."

    So he threw his GI Joe doll in the toilet.
     
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  14. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    Aw, come on! That was one of President Reagan's favorite jokes.
     
  15. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.

    The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up you look so excited."

    The groom replies, "I just had the best bj I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

    The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

    The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

    The bride replies, "I have just given the last bj of my entire life!"
     
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  16. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace."

    When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.
     
  17. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Stinking drunk

    Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

    He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

    When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

    The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

    Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away!"

    St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
    Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

    A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad"
    he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

    The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

    "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

    "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

    "Never" replies Brian.

    "Well just relax and let it happen."

    And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

    When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

    "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've s**t the bed"
     
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  18. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A priest was conducting mass one Sunday, and decided to take a straw poll of the congregation. "How many of you," he asked, "have sex at least three times per week?"
    About 1/3 of the congregation raised their hands.
    "And how many of you have sex about once per week?"
    Another 1/3 raised their hands.
    "And how many of you have sex about once per month?"
    Almost all the remainder raised their hands.
    The priest noticed that there was one man sitting by himself, who hadn't raised his hand yet, but was bouncing in his seat rather excitedly. The priest asked him, "and sir, how often do you have sex?"
    The man responded, "Once a year!"
    The priest said, "just once per year? But why are you so excited?"
    "It's tonight!"
     
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  19. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    :sidelol::sidelol:
     
  20. orangefinfan

    orangefinfan New Member

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    A first grade teacher in New York explains to her class that she is a Jets fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Jets fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"
    "Because I'm not a Jets fan," she replied.
    The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a
    Jets fan, then who are you a fan of?"
    "I am a Dolphins fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.
    The teacher could not believe her ears. "anie,
    why pray tell are you a Dolphins fan?
    Because my mom is a Dolphins fan,
    and my dad is a Dolphins fan, so I'm a Dolphins fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an Dolphins fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
    "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a JETS Fan!!!
     
  21. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Two newlyweds arrived at their room after the reception. The wife went into the bathroom to get into something more comfortable and emerged wearing only a bath towel.
    Her Husband told her to drop the towel because he wanted to take a picture of her in the nude to carry with him all of the time. Dropping the towel, the Husband exclaimed how gorgeous her body was and proceeded to take pictures.

    A few minutes later it was his turn, and he also emerged from the bathroom with only a towel around him. His wife , blushing told him to drop his towel, which he did. She stared for moment, then she decided to take a picture.

    Is this to carry with you all of the time? The husband asked??

    No, she said. I want to have it enlarged.
     
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  22. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

    After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a good solid long ring.

    Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

    To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
     
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  23. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Superbowl. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was WAY up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around. Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there.

    He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.

    The man replied, "No." So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

    "Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?"

    The man answers, "Oh, that was my wife's seat."

    "Where is she?" the guy replied.

    "She died."

    "Oh I'm sorry...don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?"

    "No, they couldn't come."

    "Why?"

    "Because they are at her funeral."
     
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  24. miami#1

    miami#1 Season Ticket Holder

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    booooo
     
  25. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London .
    One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
    Just before takeoff, a Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
    After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
    settling in when the Arab in the window seat said,
    "I need to get up and get a coke."
    "Don't get up," said the Marine, "I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you."
    As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it.
    When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said,
    "That looks good, I'd really like one, too."
    Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
    While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
    When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
    As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and
    knew immediately what had happened.
    "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go on?
    This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
    This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
    THE MARINES ALWAYS WIN!
     
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  26. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    (Warning: this one's pretty gross.)

    A leper goes to a football game. As you might expect, he's a bit self-conscious. He goes into the game, takes his seat, and as soon as he does, the person sitting right next to him, noticing his awful skin and open sores, recoils in disgust. The leper says, "I'm sorry I've offended you, I'll sit somewhere else."

    So he takes another seat, and sure enough, the person sitting next to him has to hold back their vomit. He apologizes again, and moves elsewhere.

    He sees an open seat next to a big, burly guy and thinks, "he looks like he's not easily offended", and asks if he can sit down. The guy looks at him and says, "yeah, sure."

    Midway through the first quarter, the big guy leans over and vomits. The leper says, "I'm sorry, it's obviously my fault that you're sick, I'll go sit somewhere else."

    The big man says, "it's not your fault, don't worry about it."

    Just before halftime, he leans over and vomits again. Again, the leper apologizes and offers to take another seat. Once again, the big guy tells him it's not his fault, and to relax.

    Finally, in the third quarter, the big man vomits a third time. This time, the leper says, "sir, you've been a really good sport, but I'm obviously making you ill. I'm going to go elsewhere."

    The big guy grabs him and says, "dammit, it's not your fault, just sit down and enjoy the game!"

    "Well, if it's not my fault that you're sick, who's fault is it?"

    "It's the guy behind you. He's dipping his nachos in your back."
     
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  27. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Three girls worked in an office with the same female boss and each day they noticed that the boss left work early.

    One day the three decided that when their boss left, they would leave shortly after her. After all, she never came back to work so she would never know that they went home early too.

    The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent time playing with her son and enjoyed her evening.

    The redhead was pleased to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

    The blonde was happy to get home early and surprised her husband but when she got to her bedroom she heard noises coming from inside.

    Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her boss lady riding her husbands dick.

    Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

    The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going to do likewise.

    "No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!!"
     
  28. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    Red Ring

    A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his *****. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

    ''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''

    ''Lipstick remover.''
     
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  29. phunwin

    phunwin Happy kids are Dolfans. Luxury Box

    A young man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of Jagermeister. The bartender says, "six shots of Jager? Wow, you must be celebrating something!"
    The young man says, "my first blow job."
    The bartender says, "well hell, let me give you a seventh shot on the house, then."
    The young man responds, "thanks, but if six shots of Jagermeister won't kill the taste, nothing will."
     
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  30. Section126

    Section126 We are better than you. Luxury Box

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    A Jet fan wearing a Chrebet jersey goes to buy a TV Set at a local Appliance store in Miami.

    he walks in and asks a salesman.."excuse me sir..how much is this television set.?"

    The Salesman laughing says "You dumbass jet fan!"...

    The Jet fan storms out of the store upset.

    The Jet Fan goes back home and does some thinking and decides that he is gonna wear a Dolphins jersey and an elaborate disguise so this Salesman who obviously hates the jets will actually help him.

    He returns with a Dolphin Jersey on and a fake mustache and asks the same salesman..."Excuse me sir..how much is this Television Set?"

    The Salesman this time laughs harder and says "WOW, you Jet Fans are really stupid."

    By now..the Jet fan has had enough and he confronts the salesman as he takes of the disguise "Okay..why won't you tell me how much this TV set costs and how the hell did you know I was a jet fan?"

    the salsesman responds: "Well, it was actually rather easy.... that TV Set you keep asking about...is actually a Microwave."
     
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  31. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

    The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

    The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

    The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

    Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

    At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

    The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
     
  32. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A man and his wife, moved back home to Newfoundland, from Ontario. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Ontario, was $2000.00 a year !! When they arrived in Newfoundland,................... they went to an insurance agency, to see how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, "$39.00." The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundland to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Ontario !!!! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well,.....here it is on the screen,......it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00
     
  33. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A lady goes into the bridal shop and wants a white wedding dress made for her fourth marriage. The clerk exclaims, "You can't have a white dress for your fourth marriage!"

    The lady asks, "Why?"

    The clerk explains, "Well, white dresses are for virgins. You've been married three times before so therefore you can't possibly want a white dress..."

    "I can too," says the lady, "because my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was a stamp collector, GOD I MISS HIM ....."
     
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  34. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Did you hear about the two guys who decided to spend their evening at the bar rating women? When the first gal walked in they both agreed that she was sorta plain. A 6 at the most.

    An old drunk at the end of the bar overheard them and said "Thassa 1/2."

    They ignored him and went on with their play. The next gal in was pretty cute so they rated her an 8.

    The old drunk looked around and said "Thassa 1."

    The two instigators ignored him again and the game went on. Then it happened that a real fox walked into the bar. That's a 10 goin' on 15 they both agreed.

    The old drunk shot her a glance and said "Thassa 3!"

    The beautiful young thing overheard him and felt rather insulted, so she decided to ask him what the hell kind of rating system he was using anyway. "I know I'm better than a 3!" she protested.

    He said, "Lady, I use the Budweiser rating system."

    "What's that?" she asked.

    "That's how many Clydesdales it'd take to pull you offa my face!"
     
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  35. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

    "Henry," she said, "You know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat." "And Henry," she said, "You know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!" "And Henry," She continued, "You know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

    "Oh, and Henry," She Said, "You know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . .
     
  36. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    First Cut is the Deepest

    Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey, what're you in for?"

    "I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried," said Tim.

    "Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!"

    "Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

    "I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered.

    "Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
     
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  37. Idahophin

    Idahophin Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    Little Johnny kept asking his mother about his father. Where was he? Little Johnny's mother finally told him, "Your father was hanged 8 years ago for killing some people." The next day at school the teacher asked what their father was noted for.

    The children responded, "He is a doctor, a priest, a teacher, etc."

    When it came to little Johnnie, the teacher hesitated but finally asked him what was his father noted for.

    Little Johnny, thought and then finally stood up and said, "My father was well hung!"
     
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  38. CinoEvil

    CinoEvil Season Ticket Holder Luxury Box

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    A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest
    beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

    Of course What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought an expensive woman's
    electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the
    Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
    carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

    'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

    'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
    asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

    'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

    The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
    declare from your waist to the floor?'

    'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,
    to date, unused.'

    Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.' Next!
     
  39. GoPhins!

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    Charlie had a massive heart attack and died, and his body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances.


    His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was.

    But Monica woman noted that Charlie had always preferred blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the mortician's continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the viewing and burial."

    The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

    To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she cried.

    The mortician responded, "Honestly, ma'am, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice."

    "Well surely it cost you plenty of staff time to undress both bodies and switch their clothes!" the woman said.

    "Well, no," the mortician said with a discreet cough. "We just switched the heads."
     
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  40. GoPhins!

    GoPhins! Premium Member Luxury Box

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    According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

    Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

    Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

    To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

    He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

    Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

    There are teachers ... and then there are educators.
     
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