A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
A rude New Yorker and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire on the car. Getting out, the boyfriend was about to start changing it when he spotted a cowboy sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke. He told his girlfriend that he would make the cowboy change the tire and for her just to wait there. "Hey, parrrrtner," he mocked, "Hows about you get down off of that horse and come over here and change this tire." The cowboy continued to roll the smoke and ignored him. "Hey, ****head, I told you to get over here and change this tire or I'm going to kick your a$$. The cowboy looked at him and then said, "I'll tell you what, fella. I'm going to finish my smoke. Then I'm going to get down off my horse, kick your a$$ and make you change that tire. Then while I screw your girlfriend I'm gonna make you hold my balls up out of the hot sand." Later, as they were driving on across the desert, the girlfriend says, "That cowboy was pretty tough, wasn't he, baby?" "Naw, he wasn't so tough," said the guy. "Did you see him flinch every time I dropped his balls in the hot sand?"
Frisco style: A San Francisco man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just stroking his *****, something she seemed to love doing. So he turned and asked her, 'Why do you love doing that?' She replied, 'Because I really miss mine.' __________________
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.' The plane took off , and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, ' Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. 'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man. Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' said his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that , so he asked the agent, 'What's going on?' The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb.'
The counter man in the Ice Cream shop saw a customer leaving the drug store across the way, heading for his shop. The customer entered, set a small Thermos container on the counter and unwrapped a condom. "Here, take this condom. Drop a scoop of ice cream in it." The counter man did so, and handed the condom, with its ice cream content, to the customer. The customer placed the arrangement in the Thermos jug, and capped the jug. "What," asked the ice cream purveyor, "is the reason for that?" "For three months, my wife has been bugging me for a deep freeze. Tonight, I'm going to give it to her."
a man walks into a bar and announces, "drinks on the house for everyone, except that queer at the end of the bar." a little while later he again announces, " drinks on the house for everybody, except that queer at the end of the bar." the queer was getting kind of upset when the man again said, "drinks on the house for everybody except that queer at the end of the bar." this really made the queer mad so he called the bartender over and asked for a full glass of ice cubes. the bartender asked, "what are ya gonna do with that?" if that guy calls out queer one more time i'm gonna dump those ice cubes in my mouth and go down and "coldcock" the SOB.
From the old Hollywood Squares game show hosted by Peter Marshall. Peter Marshall: True or false, George: experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant. George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em. Peter Marshall: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army! Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do? Paul Lynde: Make him bark. Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy? Paul Lynde: Why, that *****! Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body -- what is it? Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds? Charley Weaver: A divorcee. Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie What's The Matter With Helen? Who plays Helen? Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver -- that's why they asked the question. Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? Charley Weaver: His feet. Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak? Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water. Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit? Joan Rivers: Yes. It's daddy's turn.
Mottos to live by: Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them. If you can stay calm while all around you there's chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong 14 times gives you job security. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. Plagiarism saves time. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. We waste time, so you don't have to. Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away! Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break. Indecision is the key to flexibility. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
A Blonde Year in Review: January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said" 2-4 years!" April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!! May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down. September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!! What a year!!
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night," the Italian said, "I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once!?" the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "She said, 'I guess we had better stop -- it's time to go to the airport.'"
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of *****es, who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses on the train..... cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard h er son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again. She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen....
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
He laid her on the table, So white and clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat, He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast, And then he felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide -- he looked inside, All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms, ...And then he stuffed the turkey.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a beautiful bike with a for sale sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in." "When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a e stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another e stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the frickin dishes!"
Good Ol' Rickey Bobby was considered a sound sleeper. So one night when his wife Mary Sue awoke and didnt find Rickey Bobby next to her in bed she went searching. She looked in the Bathroom, no Rickey Bobby, She looked in the Den, no Rickey Bobby, finally she found him crying and sitting in a fetal position, just rockin', sobbin' and swayin' in the kitchen. Mary Sue, asked, Rickey Bobby, honey what's wrong baby? Rickey Bobby, said, you remember that night we did it in my car? Yes I do honey, Mary Sue said. And you remember when your Daddy found us that night? Why yes, Rickey Bobby I do. And Mary Sue, you remember when your Daddy put that Shotgun to my head and said, since you were under age, I must Marry you or spend 20 Years in Prison. Why, Yes Rickey Bobby I do, but honey why are you crying? 'Cause tonight I would of been released!
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and silk tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get anexact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man thenopens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image hasbeen processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy andsays, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." " That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy. "Wow!That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paidfor an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thingabout cows...this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker.He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. LETTER 1: Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. LETTER 2: Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again. LETTER 3: Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter. LETTER 4: Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said. Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God. LETTER 5: I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are Like onions". "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree". "A Christmas tree?" "Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy" She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV , I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his *****. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car. "I've got just two words for you," she screamed. "Drop dead!" And I've got just two words for you," Roger screamed back. "Let go!"
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming."Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist."He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser!" screamed the old lady." Try standing on the dresser!"
A touching story... In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbemb was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A big, dumb, but fairly good looking biker stops by the Harley shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. Next, he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The feed store owner said, "Put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand." "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. You can follow me through my short cut down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" "Holy smokes, Lady!" the biker said. "I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" "Well," the lady said, "set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs. When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!" She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you." Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker. The old woman says, you're going out like that?" And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you" She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says,"Yes, I'm single and Catholic! "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
A redneck went to see the Louisiana doctor and he put in a complaint because his wife was having too many little babies! She was having at least one per year. He commented, "Doc, ya gotta help me, I cain't git enough Welfare or steal enough ta feeds 'em all!" The doctor got down his medical reference book and looked up the problem. He told his patient, "The book says if a man's ***** was having too many brats, the doctor should remove the man's right testicle." He then administered anesthesia with beer bottles, took out his pocket knife an' performed the surgery. Three years later the man was back at the doctor's office complaining the surgery had failed; she was still havin' at least one kid per year! The doctor took his book back down and studied the problem. The doctor said, "Well, the book says if your wife is having too many brats to remove your right testicle, we done that. If she still has too many brats, then we should remove the left testicle. Butcha won't be able to git no nookie!" Once again he got a beer bottle an' his pocket knife and performed surgery. Another three years later, the SAME man was back complaining that operation had once again failed! His wife had 2 kids and was about 7, 8 months along with his thirteenth! The doctor was quite perplexed and got his book back down. After several minutes of study he told his patient, "It says right here if a man's wife is having too many brats to remove his right testicle. If she continues to have too many brats, remove his left testicle. We done did all that. However, the next page says, "If the man's wife still has too many brats after you have removed both testicles, you done castrated the wrong man!"
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.......... OH MY GOD!" Deadly silence........... Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a > > >> local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely > >> young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the > >> Sergeant Major for conversation. > >> > >> "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. > >> Is something bothering you?" > >> > >> "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." > >> > >> "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It > >> looks like you've seen a lot of action." > >> > >> "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." > >> > >> The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, > >> "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and > >> enjoy yourself." > >> > >> The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. > >> > >> Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this > >> the wrong way, but when is the last time you had > >> sex?" > >> > >> "1955, ma'am." > >> > >> "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking > >> everything so seriously! > >> I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a > >> private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. > >> > >> Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and > > >> said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" > >> > >> The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact > > >> voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." > >> > >> (Don't you just love military time?) > >
a redneck went to the doctor to see about a vasectomy, the doctor told him it would be $1200, the redneck thought that was too expensive. the doctor told him about a do-it-yourself method he could do at home. Hows that he asked. the doctor told him to light a cherry bomb, put it in a beer can and count to ten. he said he didn't see how that would work, but he went home and did what the doctor said. he lit the cherry bomb, put it in a beer can, counted to five on one hand, put the bag between his legs and continued counting on the other hand, 6, 7, 8...................
Lone Ranger & Tonto the lone ranger and tonto were out on the trail and the lone ranger had to take a crap. just as he squatted down a rattlesnake bit him on his *****. the lone ranger told tonto to ride in to town and find a doctor and ask him what to do. tonto found a doctor and asked him what he should do. the doctor told him if the poison wasn't sucked out the lone ranger would surely die. when tonto rode back to camp and the lone ranger wanted to know what the doctor said. tonto said, " oh kemosabe, the doctor said you're gonna die!" __________________
Pauly and Maury are having a drink at the bar and chatting. Pauly looks forlorn and Maury asks him what if there are any problems. Pauly: "I got fired from my construction job." Maury" "What happened?" "You know what a foreman is?" asked Pauly. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" "What's that got to do with it?" asked Maury "Well, he just got jealous of me," Pauly explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
Maxine Feckelbaum and Sheila Lift****z are sunning themselves out by the pool at the Fontainbleu Hotel on Miami Beach. Over by the pool running around is Herb, Maxine's husband, chasing two bikini clad 20 something hotties around the pool. Sheila leans over and says to Maxine, "Dalhling look at ya husbandt, he's chasing those young meidl" Maxine says, "Feh ! who cares" Sheila then becomes more agitated, and insists, "Maxine you need to do something look at him he is making a fool of you" Maxine then tells Shelia, she says, "Sheila dear, its just like dogs, they chase cars, but can they drive them ?!?!?"
An 85-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this-- First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Tina, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
Last night, my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' So she got up, unplugged the computer and threw out my beer. She's such a *****.
Teenage girl asks her mom if babies come from the same place boys put their penises? The mom says to her, yes,yes they do. Teenage girl thinks for a second then says" How does that not break all your teeth out?".
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in El Paso , Texas , while awaiting their respective flights. One is an American Indian from Lame Deer, Montana; another is a Texas cowboy on his way to Dallas for a livestock show; and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived in the U.S. from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, "At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward. "Once my people were few," he sneers,"and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?" The cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl: "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet… But I do believe it's a-comin'...Yup it’s a comin..
A teenage granddaughter Comes downstairs for her date With this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, Telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her! 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes. The next day the teenager comes down stairs, And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother That she has friends coming over And that it is just not appropriate.... The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, Then I can display my hanging baskets.
