Prez's power rankings

PREZ’S POWER RATINGS WEEK ONE

(SORRY ONLY ALLOWS ME TO IMPORT TEN IMAGES)

THE CRAPTASTIC

32) SEAHAWKS - Oh that Pete Carroll. Brought in to turnaround the floundering Seattle organization, Carroll has been working hard to create in Seattle the legacy he left at USC, namely an organization that will have a two-year postseason ban, four years of probation, scholarship losses and the removal of several victories. An average defensive line, a poor secondary, a poor offensive line, average receivers and poor running backs should guarantee the removal of several victories and the postseason ban at least. Go Trojans!

31) RAMS - Steve Spagnuolo, the defensive, whiz kid, second year head coach, has a dilemma. Not wanting to be known as simply a defensive guru, he has painstakingly gone out of his way to avoid building a defense in St Louis. He instead has concentrated on introducing a new philosophy to football that he hopes will revolutionize the game and bring him the accolades a great football mind like his deserves. Bring in a fragile QB, give him an average offensive line with poor receivers and a powerful RB and couple that with a defense that lacks a defensive line, linebackers and a secondary. Apparently the idea is to manipulate the NFL rules protecting the QB and march down the field by the ingenious strategy of having the referees, out of compassion, throw personal foul flags on the opponents defense as they tee off on Bradford. Then on defense have the opponents offenses tire themselves out with all the touchdown celebrations they will have in the first halves of games. Once the second half starts, the opponents offenses will be too tired from all the dancing to be effective anymore. Genius, super genius.

30) CHIEFS - The Patriots of the West minus Tom Brady, Bill Belichik, Randy Moss, an offensive line, a defensive line and linebackers. The good news however for the Kansas City faithful is that rather than improve these glaring holes, the Chiefs decided to instead upgrade their video equipment to better steal the opponents signals. Nothing like using tried and true methods to establish a winning foundation.


29) BILLS - The NFL office is considering a change to Buffalo’s name to better reflect the modern era. The buffalo, strong, powerful, a true beast, is really a symbol of a bygone era. To better reflect a team that has Cornell Green and Demetrius Bell as starting tackles, Trent Edwards as starting QB, Aaron Maybin and Andre Davis as starting linebackers, the league is considering changing the name to the Buffalo Gerbils since they will be in the rectum of the league for quite some time. On a side note, Richard Gere is considering buying a piece of the Gerbils as the trend towards celebrity owners continues in the AFC East.

SHE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

28) BROWNS – After Lebron James left for Miami, many sportswriters wrote articles lamenting the sad state of Cleveland sports. To assuage the fears of the Cleveland Browns faithful, the ownership of the team quickly hastened to assure the team that the same fate that had befallen the Cavaliers would never befall the Browns. By denying the team of any scoring threats at the QB, WR and RB positions Cleveland fans can rest assured that none of their offensive players will leave for another city in hopes of forming a super team

27) BUCCANEERS - Who would’ve thought that the only two black guys on the planet named Josh happen to play QB for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Hoping to start a trend in breaking down perceptions, Tampa is looking to add two DEs in next years draft. Look for Manischewitz Jones and Moishe White to be high on their radar.

26) JAGUARS - Rachel Stieringer, 19, of Keystone Heights, was arrested on charges of possession of drug paraphernalia following the infamous photograph that attracted so much attention on the Internet. . This is clearly a case of overzealous police enforcement in that all the caring mother was trying to do was prepare her child for a lifetime of being a Jaguars fan


BUT SHE HAS A GREAT PERSONALITY

25) BRONCOS - Josh McDaniels has an inferiority complex. Coming to the AFC West, home of the legendary Al Davis, McDaniels has quickly embarked on proving that he and not Al Davis is the most insane person ever running a football team in the AFC West. Gone are Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Tony Scheffler, Alphonso Smith, JJ Arrington, Peyton Hills and Mike Nolan to be replaced by Kyle Orton, Demaryius Thomas, Daniel Graham, Joe Mays, Brady Quinn, Dan Gronkowski and Don “Wink” Martindale. McDaniels is obviously making these moves as a motivational tool for his team. Namely if you become good enough to warrant attention from other teams I will trade you. The remaining players have taken notice and promised not to become good enough to warrant attention. Elvis Dumervil even went so far as to tear his own pectoral muscle and land on injured reserve to guarantee he wouldn’t warrant attention this year. It’s great to see veteran leadership stepping up to the plate

24) CARDINALS - In a shocking development Matt Leinart was unceremoniously cut by the Cardinals barely over a week before the season. Apparently having binge drinking parties with under twenty year old girls is not the way to develop into a hall of fame QB. Damn you Ken Stabler, why didn’t you warn him? On the positive side he can now become the host of the next set of Girls Gone Wild videos. It’s every school boys second dream job

23) REDSKINS - Mike Shanahan has taken a page out of Redskins history and gone back to the glory days of George Allen’s Over The Hill Gang. NFL Networks will be forced to turn the volume up on their announcers so that they can be heard over the cracking and creaking of bones. The good thing though is that the referees and umpires will finally be able to relate to the players on a personal level

22) BEARS - The good news for Jay Cutler is he has an offensive coordinator that will formulate a plan for him to light up the league in passing yards and regain his status as one of the top QBs. The bad news for Jay Cutler is Mike Martz has decided he can do this without an offensive line. Sacked nine times in four quarters in the preseason would translate to 144 sacks over the course of the season. Which comes first for Cutler, 4500 yards or a 20% discount to the scooter store and lifetime supply of vicatin?

21) EAGLES - See Kevin Kolb run, see Kevin Kolb pass. See Kevin Kolb scream in pain as he gets sacked over and over again. Well at least the Giants and Cowboys fans will enjoy this year’s version of the Eagles

PREMATURE EJACULATION

20) RAIDERS - Apparently Al Davis has been frozen in a cryogenic freezer. It’s the only way to explain the last draft. The plan apparently is to unfreeze him only when the Raiders finally win another SuperBowl. The added benefit is the organization can save money on the ice needed for the celebratory champagne by just stacking the cases on his body as he thaws out

19) LIONS - There is much to be excited about if you’re a Detroit Lions fan. That is if you have Red Wings season tickets.

18) PANTHERS - Hoping to emulate the success of the last season’s New York Jets, Head Coach John Fox has transformed his team into a defensive juggernaut that will rely on the running game and a stifling defense. Ever a stickler for details, Fox has even gone so far as to rely on a ineffectual QB to lead the team to greatness. Apparently losing in the Super Bowl has made Fox aspire to nothing more than an appearance in the Conference Championship game.

17) JETS - **** the Jets! That is all.

THANKS FOR SHOWING UP

16) STEELERS - - Not many people know this but Pittsburgh has a small film industry growing. Movies such as Hoffa, Night of the Living Dead, The Deer Hunter, Gung Ho, Silence of the Lambs and Groundhog Day were all shot in Pittsburgh. The other growth industry is Women’s self defense courses in martial arts. Big Ben is more than just a football player. He’s an economic growth engine

15) 49ERS - - To prepare the team for the 2010 season and their division, Mike Singletary had the entire team watch the episode of South Park where Cartman enters the Special Olympics to win a gold medal but ends up losing to the special needs children anyway. He wanted it to be a warning to his team not to get overconfident. Strangely Alex Smith and Ted Ginn, rather then take the warning that Singletary had intended of becoming overconfident, were instead inspired by the story of handicapped athletes being able to beat their non handicapped competitors. Immediately after the film session Alex got a tattoo of Jimmy and Ted a tattoo of Timmy in dedication of the upcoming season

14) GIANTS - the offensive line can protect Manning about as well as Snooky can protect herself from right crosses thrown at a Jersey Shore bar. Still gotta root for them. For a team that saved the unbeaten record for Miami, gave us Bill Parcells and annoys the hell out of the Jester fans, you gotta wanna root for them to be better than Nacho Libre and the Fat Man’s defense

13) TEXANS - Every year the prognosticators predict Houston as the sleeper pick to finally reach the playoffs. Well this year is different. They are guaranteed to make the playoffs as a yet unreleased announcement by the NFL front office will guarantee their first playoff berth ever. Apparently the schedule for the Texans will be reworked after week four and the final twelve games will be against the Miami Dolphins. This should ensure a record of at least twelve wins

12) FALCONS – Well they got the pieces on defense. Unfortunately the offensive line is playing like the Atlanta Braves down the pennant stretch. Right now the infield of the Phillies could get three sacks on Matt Ryan. This is no way to treat Opie!

11) PATRIOTS – Apparently without the ability to spy on other teams offensive signals the New England Patriots can’t put together a defense worthy of a pop warner football team. And yet, Randy Moss feels underappreciated. Apparently he’s still upset that Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen instead of himself. It was all a mistake Randy. Tom actually thought her first name was Jism and well we all know how much he loves jism

10) SAINTS – Now that the Saints have won a Super Bowl, God feels perfectly justified in destroying the lives of the citizens of New Orleans all over again. He obviously felt a bit sorry for Katrina but now that they have the trophy, the Gulf oil leaks are only a prelude to what’s to come. Soon earthquakes, hail, locusts and Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton in a bikini will descend on New Orleans. May God have mercy on the citizens.

9) CHARGERS – News bulletin, Nate Kaeding kicker for the San Diego Chargers attempted to commit suicide last night by hanging himself. He failed as he attempted to kick the chair from underneath himself and missed it. As for the team, they will make the playoffs again but won’t win home field advantage throughout which will surely upset the San Diego faithful as they won’t be able to see the annual playoff collapse in person. Tradition is everything when you’re 68 and living on social security.

THE MONICA LEWINSKYS - CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR

8) DOLPHINS – Question? What do a coke addict and Jeff Ireland have in common? Other than Dez Bryant’s mom? Answer, a coke addict will tear up a perfectly cleaned room and leave it a mess in search of a rock of cocaine that he’s convinced has fallen behind the couch. Meanwhile Jeff Ireland will tear up a perfectly crafted 2nd and 3rd string roster in search of a rock of an offensive linemen he’s convinced has fallen in between the cracks of other teams rosters

7) COLTS - The over /under for Colts wins is 10 ½. The over/ under for games Bob Sanders will stay healthy for is 4 ½. I like under in both.

6) TITANS - That 70s show continues in Tennessee. A team dedicated to upholding the 70s tradition of football by being a run first team that relies on a stifling defense, they have no use for fancy passing or gimmick plays. Plus the coach sports a mustache that would make any 70s porn actor envious. Cant wait for Pet Rock night

5) BENGALS- Everything’s in place for Cincinnati’s third trip to the Super Bowl. They have a championship caliber defense, wide receivers that pose matchup problems for other teams, an effective running, a finally healthy Carson Palmer and the San Franncisco 49ers are once again competitive. Sadly the 49ers wont make the Super Bowl so the Bengals will have to wait another year

4) VIKINGS - Brett Favre will surely have surgery performed after his 20th season in the NFL is over. Hopefully it’s a lobotomy.

3) PACKERS - Ahh Green Bay where a woman who is out of your league means she goes bowling on a different night and filling up the gas tank means that the price of your pickup just doubled. And then there’s football. Aaron Rodgers and the NFC version of the Colts will come close with their aerial assault but the January weather will crush their dreams and send them packing into the arms of their 250 lb wives who are stronger and meaner than their linebackers.

THE COMBATANTS

2) COWBOYS - The Tony Romo and Wade Phillips show finally lead America’s team to the promised land of playing in the Superbowl where Wade Phillips will panic, Tony Romo will fumble, Felix Jones will run the wrong play and Dez Bryant will blame Jeff Ireland.

1) RAVENS - A Ravens win would crush the fad theory that only passing wins. A good enough reason to root for them.

 

Thanks. We were so close with Cameron and we didnt even know it

 

thanks. i'm not completely buying the packers either but the NFC is kinda weak this year except for a handful of teams so if things break right for them they could have an inflated record

 

if only the braves could lucky, if only the braves could

 

actually they built their team trhe way i thought we would build ours, receivers last. they should pass this year but they are a running team first. Ray Rice will be a monster this year

 

Lol I stand corrected

 

thanks. i think the ravens, titans, dolphins and other teams will still fall under the run first category. other teams like the patriots, colts, saints, texans will fall under the pass first category while other teams like the falcons, browns, chargers will fall under the balanced category. i think the way to determine what a team is is to try to take away a player and imagine how they would fair. which player would be more of a loss to the ravens - ray rice or anquan boldin? unless both get hurt for short periods of time this season you wont be able to compare statistics so you'll have to just imagine the outcome. I stand in the category that if ray rice goes down that team will have a hard time going to the playoffs. conversely if anquan boldin goes down they could still end up in the afc championship game like the did a couple of years ago. thats why i categorize them as a running team. take away the run they become innefectual, take away the pass, they can still function though obviously not as dominantly

 

thanks much appreciated

 

hey i even gave you a ginn reference though i thought it got a bit convulated

 

defense for dallas and offense for green bay really. plus they play in divisions where at most they have one competitor but you could throw in the monica lewinsky class into the mix. at this stage of the year you never know who is going to stay injury free and who is going to have a few surprise players step up.

 

they could, especially oakland since it plays in a weaker division. i still think they will have problems with their offensive line and though i think jason campbell is a big improvement he doesnt seem to have his timing down yet

 

well the thing is you're not going to win if you're too one dimensional. the saints dont win last year if pierre thomas doesnt emerge and their defense doesnt improve. The colts dont win without rhodes and addai and their defense getting hot down the stretch. too say a running team wont win without a passing game is like saying a team wont win with only three offensive linemen. i think the real debate is whether a team is better off being a run first play action team or a spread offense pass first team to set up the run. obviously you have to do both somewhat credibly but its really a debate about which philosophy is better and what positions you concentrate on. i think we can agree that without a franchise qb you are unlikely to win with either type of team so the debate focuses on which positions become more important wr or rb

 

you could be right about the cowboys but their defense is special. also the nfc only has a handful of teams that can get into the superbowl so they have less competition than an afc team