Real-Time Review of Crash

DevilFin13 · Jun 20, 2008

This is a movie review site I frequent often. Its got some nsfw language. And its brutally honest and hilarious. This is part of their Boozehound section, where they mix alcohol and movies. I found this review to be pretty damn funny even though I've never seen Crash. Its a bit long and like I said nsfw due to language. http://www.pajiba.com/crash-boozehound.htm

Pop culture item consumed: Pajibans labor under a longstanding grudge match among various factions about the relative putridity of Crash, Paul Haggis’s 2005 Best Picture winner. As a vocal anti-Crasher, but after a semi-moratorium on Crash-bashing the past few months, it occurred to me that I might help resolve the matter. Because, really, who makes a better mediator than a boozy smartass with a mean streak and a strong bias? I decided to re-view the film and provide a real-time analysis. As always, there’s no extra charge for the douchebaggery.

Crash begins with a strong premise: Take a talented, multi-racial ensemble cast and script interactions among them as members of the same community to show the state of modern race relations. The film features Don Cheadle, Terrance Howard, Matt Dillon, Brendan Fraser, Thandie Newton, Sandra Bullock, Ryan Phillippe, Ludacris, and a host of solid character actors including William Fichtner. My recollection is that handing over this nice concept to Paul Haggis turns out to be like giving a fly-fishing rig to a one-eyed raccoon with rabies and lead poisoning. Sure, the animal likes fish, and this well-oiled machine is designed to catch fish. Given the mental acuity of the glorified rodent, however, the fishing rod just ends up wrapped around its neck, fish-hook firmly planted in one asscheek while Rocky ****s in the water.

Beverage consumed: Gin and ginger beer, my new favorite drink, at least for this week. Pour half of one 12-oz. bottle of ginger beer over ice in a Collins glass. Add a shot .. um, add gin to taste. Throwing one shot of gin at my mouth is like asking Prisco to hollow out the local bordello: Strap a plank to his *** and go to town.
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20:43 As Upstanding Negro and Wife begin to crack under RC’s abuse of authority, with Phillippe looking on, RC threatens them with “reckless endangerment” charges for engaging in oral sex while driving. If they’ll just go home, however, RC will exercise his discretion to forget about the whole thing. Except rubbing Newton’s *** and cooch, which he and Upstanding Negro (and I, regrettably) will remember forever. Upstanding Negro, voice cracking, apologizes and asks to be let go with a warning.
Where to begin with how ****ing stupid this scene is? I have not the slightest doubt that many white police engage in unjustified intimidation and oppression of black motorists every day. It is a testament to the shallow intellect of Haggis, however, that he expects the viewer to believe that this cop would be so ****ing dumb as to sexually assault a wealthy woman and manhandle her husband in an upscale L.A. neighborhood where he knows they live, after pulling them over on what would easily be proven an unlawful pretext by any competent civil rights attorney.

Then there’s Upstanding Negro and Wife, who slink away into the night to avoid trouble over a relatively innocent freeway BJ. Again, Haggis’s grasp of the actuality of race relations is so broad and immature that he apparently has never heard of a civil suit for police brutality. A wealthy black television producer probably did not succeed in life by being railroaded by stupid white people, even policemen. Surely, an intelligent African-American man, plugged into the influential L.A. entertainment industry, cannot be intimidated into silence by an empty threat after watching his wife get felt up by a mouth-breathing cracker. After a lifetime of presumably fighting twice as hard to get half as much, however, Haggis’s Upstanding Negro begs for a warning instead of telling RC, “Please arrest us so that I can have your badge swinging from my big black **** by tomorrow morning.” Even after they get home, he doesn’t file a complaint or take any other action.

This scene is what actually killed Johnnie Cochran.

Twenty minutes into Crash, one of the primary fatal flaws of the film is already glaring at me: These have to be the dumbest racists and the stupidest victims in all of history.
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