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Relationship trouble.

Discussion in 'Questions and Answers' started by Seeking Answers, Jun 22, 2009.

  1. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Me and my ex girlfriend were together for eight and a half years when I broke it off with her. I was pretty mean about it for awhile and I hurt her pretty bad. We have kids together so it makes it worse. We've been split up for a couple of months now and I cant help but miss her, like ALOT. I dont know if its just the lonely factor or what. But I mean I think I still love her...but I dont know. I was pretty unhappy with her, but now that I am away from her I am even more unhappy. I question my decision every day to leave....but I dont know what I should do from here on out.....any suggestions?
     
  2. Crappy Tipper

    Crappy Tipper AKA Hero13

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    Do you really miss her or are you just afraid to be single? I broke up with someone after eight years once (she was the devil) and had that period where I thought I missed her but realized that she really did suck and it was just that I had a shock of being single again was my real concern.

    Now I didn't have any children with her and that element you have to consider because you will always have to have a relationship with her based on your children.

    good luck.
     
  3. anlgp

    anlgp ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

    8 years and kids i'm going to guess you left for good reasons. that's not something you think about or take lightly.

    is there a chance you two could conceivably get back together and salvage anything? is it something you want to do or no? if you don't think it's possible then maybe apologize to her for being mean and continue moving on.

    you've got kids so think not only what's best for yourself but keep in mind that whatever decisions you do or don't make with her will affect your kids. if you feel you two can get back together and work something out then talk to her about it.

    if you just feel lonely and regret being mean to her then like i said maybe a heartfelt apology and suck up the lonely feelings. find a hobby, go out with friends, etc.

    being single takes time to get used to (going thru that myself) but it does start to become enjoyable after a while.

    don't get me wrong relationships are great and everything but good things do come from being single.
     
  4. Fin D

    Fin D Sigh Club Member

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    You cannot be with someone for 8.5 years, have kids, and then not be 100% sure if you love them or not. You're lonely, which completely understandable. You're alone for the first time in near a decade. It also seems like you feel a little guilty about something.

    1. From just what you wrote, it sounds to me like you were unhappy with her and are now unhappy without her. Not to be callous, but by the process of elimination the problem is in you. IMO, you have an unresolved issue or two, that you're looking to others to fill or fix.

    --OR--

    2. She hurt you. And the thought of being alone worries you or scares you. In which case read #1.

    You need a trustworthy person to help you sort some stuff out, whether it be a friend or a trained professional, and most importantly, put all your stuff aside when spending time with your kids. Which should be as often as possible.
     
  5. Boik14

    Boik14 Admin Club Member

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    Have you tried dating other women just to make sure you actually miss her and arent just lonely? If you have how do they make you feel; better or worse then when you are with her? Do you think about her when you are with them?

    If the answers are yes, worse, and yes you might actually miss her. If they aren't I would bet its just the loneliness that the other posters spoke of that you are feeling. Best of luck :)
     
  6. DrAstroZoom

    DrAstroZoom Canary in a Coal Mine Luxury Box

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    Hard to make a recommendation about reconciling without knowing why you left in the first place. Regardless, I would suggest making a no-strings-attached apology for the way you treated her during the breakup. It's the right thing to do, and the closure you get for making things right might be all you need to move on.
     
    Stringer Bell likes this.
  7. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    I haven't tried dating, I'm not exactly what you call, on the high stick of good looking, plus my self esteem is non existent. The thought of other dudes being around her bothers me. But I guess I dont know unless I try.
     
  8. Muck

    Muck Throwback Uniform Crusader Retired Administrator

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    That's nostalgia ****ing with your head.

    When you exit a serious relationship, it's natural to remember the good things about it, and very little of the bad. If you've got a lot of idle time to just sit there and stew on it, it's going to mess with your head. You're gonna wanna go back. You have to remember the reasons why you left. How you felt and the way you felt when you left. And find some strength within.

    Time heals all wounds. It may take you years to fully get over it. The fact that you have kids is going to prolong the process because you'll be seeing her, which sets things back. But you've got to find ways to occupy yourself.

    As was said, you don't go 8 years and kids without knowing whether you love someone. If you don't know, then you don't.
     
    daphins likes this.
  9. HardKoreXXX

    HardKoreXXX Insensitive to the Touch

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    If that's the only reason you're missing her, then you made the right choice in letting her go. Every time Ive gotten out of a relationship, that's the first thing that eats at me.

    After you get out and date a little, you wont worry so much about guys she's with. Jealousy is a tough emotion to deal with, but it'll pass.
     
    SICK and dolfan32323 like this.
  10. slickj101

    slickj101 Is Water

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    Like others have said, apologize if you have something that you feel you need to apologize for. It'll definitely help the relationship as far as maintaining good terms for your kids.

    It does sound like your just missing her bc you have a void and haven't tried dating.

    My advice is go out there and give dating a shot. If you strike out, you strike out. But you'll never know if you don't try. I've seen some women go with guys that you would swear would have to be billionaires, but not the case.

    Give it a shot, you don't have anything to lose.
     
  11. Stitches

    Stitches ThePhin's Biggest Killjoy Luxury Box

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    1. It is not unusual to still be unhappy after you were together for so long, and seems like you didn't leave on the best of terms.

    2. It is not unusual to still love someone after so you were together so long, even if you aren't together anymore. Loving the person, and being in love with them are completely different things IMO.

    3. Get a hobby. Pick up a sport or join a club/meeting group. Just do stuff to where you won't be sitting at home and thinking about her all the time. You will be much less unhappy, and you will eventually think about her less and less.

    You'll move on, and eventually meet someone you fit better with. Looks aren't everything, and plenty of women learn that when they get older. :wink2:
     
  12. Dolfan984

    Dolfan984 Underrated Free Agent

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    Yeah I broke up with my girl of 3 1/2 years about 8 months ago. I still miss her. I have another girlfriend (which I thought would make me get over her) but I still miss her. The thing was completely my fault too. We never really fought (I think max 3 times the whole relationship) so it was pretty much me being an indecisive *******. I obviously wouldn't tell my new girl this (who's a really cool chick in her own right) but if my ex told me today that she wanted me back I'd take her in a heartbeat. Nicest girl in the god damn world (and makes 50 bucks an hour) and I ****ing blew it. I completely regret it to this day. The grass really isn't always greener on the other side folks. If you got a keeper. KEEP HER. I seriously feel like I lost my wife even to this day. Now she has another boyfriend and we're still cordial but it's not like we ever talk anymore either considering we both have new people we're with. Long ****ing stories man....

    That's why in some of my posts I put "I'm a horrible person" because I am. Live and learn man, the only difference between our stories is kids, and that I'm with someone so I KNOW it's not the loneliness factor.
     
  13. daphins

    daphins A-Style

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    I fall in the minority of this, but I'd suggest NOT dating at this point. You're obviously a bit confused on who you are...or at the very least what you want, and I think it's unhealthy to start a relationship under those circumstances.

    I'd take a long time out from other women and focus on yourself. What are your likes and dislikes? What are you good at? What makes you feel good? Where do you want your life to go?

    One good place to start is asking what you compromised about yourself when you were with her. I got out of a 4 year relationship about 8 months ago, and I've had to take a long hard look at myself in the meantime. She was my best friend, my lover, and my other half in many ways. In addition to adding many things to my life she also took a lot away....i became less confident in myself, lost time to her deperession, cut music out of my life, and in a lot of ways redefined who I am.

    The time apart has been hard, but I'm getting stronger....not because of the distance between us, but because I'm finding myself again. I picked up the guitar (something I've always wanted to do), watched more football last season than I did over our entire relationship, read books and spend time at the coffee shop.

    After 8 years in a relationship you have a wonderful opportunity to find yourself again. Whether your future is with her or another, you'll bring more to the relationship if you're a complete person.

    Good luck bro.
     
    Ohiophinphan and Stitches like this.
  14. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    Thanks for the input guys.
     
  15. Dol-Fan Dupree

    Dol-Fan Dupree Tank? Who is Tank? I am Guy Incognito. Club Member

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    I would suggest writing a letter asking for forgiveness and then burn it. While you watch the letter burn forgive yourself.

    You say you have low self-esteem. Do you think you are good enough to make that diagnosis? What do you know about self-esteem to make you feel like you do not have any? If you didn't have any self-esteem, then how can you trust yourself if you know you do not have it?

    There are many ways out there to build self esteem. One of them will work for you. The "secret" is that you already have it and the thing you find is the thing that just allows you to feel it.

    My advice is to love yourself, forgive yourself, and find a way to make you the best you possible so you can do the best for your children.
     
  16. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    YOU broke it off, YOU were unhappy, YOU feel guilty.......

    There is a pattern here which troubles me.

    It sounds like there are depression issues going on in your head that may require professional, medical attention. Also there is no talk of counseling without or without your ex and/or children. Get some now!

    You also don't mention your kids. How are they? Do you see them? What are your feelings about not being as regularly in their lives? How do they feel about it?

    8 & 1/2 years, kids, and yet no marriage....why not, what does that say about your willingness to committ and provide? You say your self worth is near zero, why?

    Seeking, thank you for posting here. You need help, my brother, help that could start here but needs very seriously to move towards a more professional direction. Check out your county medical/mental health resources and what, if anything, your employer's health plan allows.

    Work at it and stay in touch!
     
    dolphindebby and Fin D like this.
  17. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

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    My kids are good, they are adjusting. They bug their mom about why I left alot, and I hear about it from her sometimes, not often but some. Its getting easier, well not easier, but I am coping better with not seeing them everyday. One of the highlights of my days use to be coming home to my kids, so its been an adjustment. We were actually engaged and had been for yrs, but for some reason or another never took the final step. I just dont see my self as having any worth, I dont know why I feel this way, sometimes I feel like a piece of garbage. I know I'm not, but I still feel that way. My mother did the same thing I am doing, she held in personal feelings for yrs until she had a breakdown....I told my ex I wanted to maybe start over and try dating maybe. I mean at one point there had to have been something in her I liked, and loved. I want to see if I can find it again. But the other night she layed all this heavy stuff on me text wise that made me realize why I broke up with her. Plus I think she has a drug problem, not a hardcore one...its something legal, but its still an issue. But she has learned to hide it and I have no proof. Just what my gut tells me.
     
  18. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    You may be breaking up with their mother but they will always be your kids. I can not urge you strongly enough to stay deeply involved in their lives. They may mean pain for you in seeing their Mom, but man up and stay in there for your kids!


    OK what does the ... mean to you? Do you think you are destined to the same fate? You aren't unless you choose to do nothing about it! Help is available and please get it! Your Mom's fate doesn't have to be yours unless you make it yours!



    Aaah, some vital new information. All the more reason to keep your head around for your kids.

    While you can not help her problems anymore than someone else can make you happy (you can only do that for yourself), you can and should push for your kids sake that she get the help she needs at the same time you get some help yourself.

    It is very likely both of you have some committmentphobic issues.

    As I review my earlier post, it could be read that it is only you that need work, for that I am sorry. Certainly your ex owns a piece of this but you are the one I am talking to and its an old counseling technique of mine, you only talk to/about the person facing you never a third person since they aren't in the room.
     

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